My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

Rocky looked at me, deep in thought while considering my words. “Maybe we are moving too fast, but when I make up my mind that I want something then I’m all in. If you’re dating me, then you’re sure as hell not dating anyone else. That would make me your boyfriend. I meant it when I used that word. Don’t think so much about everything, Violet. If something is meant to happen, then it will. If you aren’t ready to have sex yet, that’s fine. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not with you for the sex. If I wanted a quick fuck I could have nailed one of the girls Sergio picked up in Coral City. Think back to all the times we were going at it...you’re the one who started it. You kissed me in the car and you lunged at me last night. We can move at whatever pace you want. You just happen to be the one who goes full steam ahead and then I’m the one who puts the brakes on.” I’d like to put the brakes on this whole fucking conversation because it’s going nowhere fast.

  “You’re absolutely right. I’m an insecure asshole. One day we have a date, the next day we have a fight. By the end of next week we’ll be married, divorced, and arguing over who gets custody of the TV.” Maybe if I jammed a whole piece of pizza in my mouth, it would prevent me from saying anything else stupid. I’ll try it and see if it works.

  “This is not a fight at all, Violet. We’re two people discussing things like rational adults. If it was a fight, then voices would be raised and projectiles would be launched across the room. Rocky paused his explanation to warn me, “If you choke on that giant piece of pizza you just shoved into your mouth, I swear I’m not giving you the Heimlich maneuver.”

  That comment caused me to laugh, which did cause me to choke. I managed to cover my mouth before I sprayed pizza all over him. He shook his head in disbelief, probably regretting calling me a rational adult since that was clearly not the case.

  After I swallowed everything in my mouth, I asked “are we ok, now?” In response I got a soft kiss on the lips and he rubbed his nose on mine, Eskimo style. “We’re ok,” he replied.

  “Does that mean I can call you my boyfriend?” I shyly whispered.

  “Absolutely not. You lost that privilege. It’ll take some work to earn it back,” he teased.

  “I know I owe you. I’m going to have to work Saturday to make up for the time I was gone this week. On Monday I worked to finish up the eight hours from last week, on Wednesday we closed early to shoot guns, and on thursday we closed early after firing people. I think I only put in two and a half hours of work this week.” I counted it again to make sure my math was right.

  Rocky laughed. “Sweet, innocent Violet. That’s not the kind of work I meant.” Oh.

  “Don’t worry,” he continued. “In addition to being banned from using the term ‘boyfriend,’ you’re also banned from sex. I wouldn’t want to confuse you any worse then you already are.” Fuck. How do I dig myself out of this hole? I’m so deep I can’t even see daylight.

  “Ok,” I said, “I have a plan. Take off your shirt and I’ll give you a nice massage on my couch while we watch TV. This will help me in so many ways. I’ll get to pay you back for helping Stella, I’ll get to touch you, and I’ll get to watch some shows on my DVR.” Clever way to multi task!

  “My shoulders do hurt from work today so I’ll agree to that. But I get to pick what shows we’re watching.” He unbuttoned his shirt and took it off. I was treated to the exquisite sight of Rocky’s chest. He rolled over onto his stomach and put a pillow under his chin. “Give me your TV remote and get to work,” he ordered. I started rubbing his shoulders and using my elbows to knead his back. He closed his eyes and let out a big sigh. I guess I was doing a good job. I picked a TV show and threw the remote out of his reach so he couldn’t reject my choice.

  “What the hell is this?” he exclaimed as the program started.

  It was a reality show called “Mafia Princesses” that followed four twenty-something girls from New York City as they dated, fought, and shopped their way through life. “This is a GOOD show,” I told him. “The girls are fucking crazy. They make me look sane. The tan one has a different boyfriend every week and she treats them like shit under her shoe, yet they come back begging for more. The one who wears too much make-up keeps talking behind the backs of all the others and starting fights. Her name is Maria and she acts all tough but then just pulls everyone’s hair and doesn’t really fight. The one with dark hair and pink highlights has a deadbeat boyfriend who lies to her all the time and can’t hold a job. The last one with the pretty pixie haircut has anger management issues and her parents threatened to cut her off financially. She’s my favorite.”

  He groaned and argued, “I am NOT watching this crap. Find something else.”

  “No, I like this show. Besides, it’s in New York. Maybe you walked down these streets or ate at these restaurants. What if you know someone in the background?” I’d say anything to get him to watch the show. I was addicted to it every week.

  “Whatever. Watch what you want. Just keep working on my shoulders.”

  Rocky ignored the TV while I pulled out my best massage moves. I think he was half asleep when my phone beeped with an incoming text.

  “I got a text from Irina,” I told him as I read it aloud:

  “Hey, this is Irina. Do you want to hang out tomorrow? Go shopping or do something that girls do?”

  “That was a weird text. Who says ‘Do something that girls do’? Do you think someone stole her phone?” I handed him the phone to see for himself.

  “No, I don’t think anyone stole her phone. She doesn’t have any female friends here. She works at a bar with customers that are primarily men. She hangs out with Vasily, Dmitry, Sergio, and I. There’s no feminine influence in her life. She’s probably lonely for a girl to talk with. Let me tell you something about Irina. Don’t tell her that I told you because she’d kick my ass. When she was younger, she got tormented pretty severely by her sister and her sister’s friends. They were jealous of how attractive she was and they bullied her and made sure she was isolated. Vasily told me she didn’t have an easy time. I think she’s reaching out to you because she’s desperate for a friend. You should text her back. I think it would be good for her. You can discuss girl stuff like make-up and periods.”

  “That’s NOT what we talk about! Now I feel sorry for poor Irina if she’s stuck with you guys. I’ll text her back and offer to go out for lunch. I like her too. We bonded in the bathroom of the bar. She gave me good advice on how to get a guy that I liked.”

  “Oh, really?” Rocky said, suddenly interested. “How did that work out for you?”

  “You’re here with me now, so it must have worked pretty well. I can’t believe she got picked on because of her looks. She’s stunning.” She also seems like she could fight back and hold her own pretty well.

  “I think YOU have a thing for Irina. Sergio keeps asking me about that, by the way. He got all hot and bothered at the bar when you two were dancing,” Rocky admitted.

  “How could anyone NOT have a thing for Irina? She’s like a supermodel. You can’t tell me you don’t notice how attractive she is.” I totally noticed.

  Rocky smirked and clarified, “I’m not totally oblivious, she’s just not my type. I prefer irrational, neurotic, curly-haired girls who don’t hold it against me when I accidentally throw up on them.” Ooh ooh, I knew one of those!

  “Don’t forget over-analytical, says stupid stuff, and---” He kissed me before I could go any further. He always knew the perfect thing to do in every situation.

  “Violet, it’s getting late and I have to work tomorrow. Let’s call it a night.”

  “Thank you for tonight. For helping my friend and for putting up with me.”

  “It’s my pleasure to put up with you. Now go to bed and don’t think about ANY of the conversation from tonight. Just lay your head on your pillow and go to sleep while you think happy thoughts. I’ll see you tomorrow for your friends’ birthday party. Sweet dreams, baby.”

  He also knew exactly the right thing to say. I hope
my stupidity tonight would be forgotten tomorrow. I have to quit letting my insecurities get the best of me.

  Saturday, Two in the Morning, Week Two

  I couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing, turning, and replaying all the idiotic things I’d said the night before. The poor guy just wanted to take me out to dinner and I freaked because I didn’t know the exact reason he called himself my boyfriend. Who cares? Not to mention the whole “should I or shouldn’t I fuck him” fiasco. There was no way to get back to happy dreamland unless I solved some of my issues. The easiest solution was to make a list. If something is bothering me and I write it down, it helps make the answer more apparent. I got out a piece of paper and made two columns. It was a chart of the PROS and CONS of sex with Rocky.

  Pros to having sex with Rocky:

  1. He’s totally hot, looks bad-ass, and has the most amazing abs /cutest smile I’ve ever seen.

  2. He treats me right: he makes me laugh, makes me feel safe and protected, is nice to my friends, pays attention and really listens to me, fires people when they grab my ass, tries to teach me things (shooting and self- defense), sent me a sweet text, compliments me, and laughs at my jokes.

  3. His kisses are the best I’ve ever had, he doesn’t pressure me for sex, and he stops before we go too far out of respect for me and a lack of condoms.

  4. He smells really good.

  5. I bet he’d be GREAT in bed. He could show me things I never thought were possible.

  6. I’ve only been with one other person and I need to be more adventurous.

  Cons to having sex with Rocky:

  1. He could have sex and then decide he’s done with me and I’ll get hurt.

  2. He could have a disease and I could get it.

  3. I’ve only known him two weeks.

  I smiled to read the pros, while I made up excuses as to why the cons weren’t really valid. Con number one wasn’t really valid because I could be dating anyone, have sex with him, and get dumped anyway. Hell, I was married for eight years and still got dumped. There were no guarantees in life. So we can cross that one out. Life is no fun unless you take risks every once in a while.

  Con number two wasn’t really valid because I was definitely going to use a condom and I shouldn’t live in fear of disease. People get cancer all the time and there’s no way to prevent that. My dad lived a good life and took care of himself and died anyway. You could get hit by a bus crossing the street or get struck by lightning. You can’t live in fear. Life is no fun unless you take risks every once in a while.

  Con number three wasn’t really valid because we’ve been seeing an awful lot of each other. I saw him the Friday we met and ten of the next fourteen days after that. That puts us on the fast track. I’d equate that to about five weeks of dating if you assume normal people see each other two days a week. Besides, there’s no rule of how long you have to wait to have sex with someone. What if he got hit by a bus or struck by lightning and we never got a chance to have sex? I’d regret that for the rest of my life. Speaking of life, it’s no fun unless you take risks every once in a while.

  Whew. When you take the time to put it all on paper and really examine it from a logical standpoint, I’d be crazy NOT to have sex with him. That settles it. Problem solved.

  Saturday, Eight in the Morning, Week Two

  After waking up with an astounding sense of clarity and purpose, I ate some breakfast and got ready for work. I figured I owed Rocky for my lack of productivity during the week, so I should make an appearance at Grim Rock and finish my spreadsheet for the prior year. I had some new ideas on how to make the data easier to organize. Also it would be the most convenient place to meet Irina for our lunch date.

  I pulled out my phone to text Rocky as I arrived.

  “Good morning. Did you have sweet dreams? V”

  “No, because you weren’t in them. What are you doing this morning? R”

  “I have to get caught up at work. My boss is a hard ass. See you soon. V”

  I actually texted that last one as I entered the front door. Rocky was on his way from the factory to his office and he was staring at his phone while he walked. He looked up and broke into a wide grin when he saw me. “I thought you were at your real job this morning!” he exclaimed as he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

  “That’s all you got?” I teased. The kiss was way too short for my liking.

  He snatched me up in his arms, dipped me like we were dancing, and gave me a REAL kiss. An open mouth, insert tongue, forget my name kiss. Mmm.

  “Is that better?” he joked. “You’re in a good mood today. You must have slept well and took my advice not to overthink things, huh?”

  “I actually tossed and turned until I finally got up and made another chart. Everything’s perfectly clear now,” I explained. He laughed at my answer, not realizing I was completely serious.

  “You don’t have to work today, Violet. It’s Saturday.”

  “That’s okay. I wanted to finish last year’s chart and I had some new ideas to work on.” He went back to work and so did I. I was so immersed in the piles of papers and receipts and numbers that I didn’t notice the clock until it was almost noon. Irina would be here to pick me up pretty soon. I went to the bathroom to check myself out before she arrived. There was absolutely no use trying to compete with her in the looks department, but I could make sure I had no pen on my face or flyaway curls. I was wearing dark blue jeans, black ankle boots with a bit of a heel, and a tan corduroy short sleeved shirt over a black T shirt. It was pretty decent. My normal weekend outfit would be jeans and a t-shirt but I had to try a little harder now that I was hanging out with all the beautiful people.

  As I emerged from the bathroom, I found Rocky and Sergio sitting at the desk. “Good, you guys can see what my spreadsheet shows about year-over-year growth and decline.” They looked really bored until I explained it further.

  “This shows the percentage of increase and decrease in sales for the year at each vendor. The bars have the most growth, grocery stores have stayed the same, and restaurants primarily show a decrease. Irina’s bar shows the most year-over-year growth. I think you should have some events at bars to raise brand awareness. You could have shot girls handing out samples, fun contests, or whatever it is people do in bars. Sergio could hand out free T shirts and then when he yelled, ‘Look, we’re giving out free T shirts’ it wouldn’t be a lie like last time. You need to get your name out there. Are you on social media?”

  Rocky got a strange look on his face that I couldn’t quite decipher. He slowly turned to Sergio and then back to me. “We’re really not looking to have an online presence right now. We’d like to stay local for a while before we go any bigger. But I appreciate your suggestions.”

  That was weird. Why would you not want your business to grow and be as successful as possible? I wonder if there was something he wasn’t telling me. I didn’t have time to question him further because Irina chose that moment to waltz through the door. In typical supermodel fashion, she was wearing a red plaid miniskirt, black high heels, black cropped top, and black leather jacket. I might as well have stayed in my pajamas today.

  Rocky greeted Irina and asked her where we were going for lunch.

  “I don’t know, I’m not very hungry. I just woke up,” she admitted. This is how she looked after rolling out of bed?

  I shook my head in disbelief and Rocky whispered in my ear, “Relax, she puts her pants on one leg at a time, same as you do.” No, she puts on her designer heels one shoe at a time. I don’t have anything that looks like that in my closet.

  “What do you have a taste for Violet? I’m open to anything,” Irina said.

  Sergio started laughing and coyly suggested, “I bet I know what Violet has a taste for---”

  I turned and shot him a nasty look and Rocky wisely ushered us out the door before I could take further action. “I’m not walking you out to be a gentleman,” Rocky explained, “I want to see your reaction when you feast y
our eyes upon Irina’s car.”

  Irina turned and mused, “It’s a car, nothing special. Who cares?”

  Let me tell you, this was no ordinary car. I stopped in my tracks and my eyes bugged out of my head. Irina had a brand new cherry red Corvette convertible. “No way! Could you be any luckier?” I exclaimed.

  Irina looked down at her feet and seemed very uncomfortable. “I didn’t want it,” she mumbled.

  Sensing her unease, I changed the subject. “Well, we’re burning daylight and I’m hungry. Why don’t we go eat? You pick the place, I don’t really care. Surprise me!”

  Rocky nodded his head, pleased with me for some reason. He reached into his pocket and tried handing me a fifty dollar bill. “Here. You ladies have a nice lunch.”

  I gave him a dirty look and sweetly responded, “No, thank you. I already have a gift certificate for the restaurant.” He pointed out the fact that I didn’t yet know where we were going, but I gave him a kiss and jumped in the car before he could finish his thought. Irina was already in the driver’s seat, so away we went.

  “What was that all about, Violet? Why won’t you take his money?”

  “Because I have my own money. I don’t need him handing me an allowance like I’m twelve. It’s annoying.”

  “He just does it to take care of you. It’s how guys behave back where we come from.”

  “Where do you come from? 1954?” I thought that was amusing, but she didn’t laugh.

  “Well, I come from the Ukraine. The men take care of the women and treat them like they’re breakable. We don’t get to have a say or a choice in most matters. You think I’m lucky to have this car, but you don’t know how lucky YOU are.” I think I found a sore spot and I didn’t want to offend her.

  “Irina, you’re very beautiful and you dress really cool and you have a fancy car. That’s why I said you were lucky. I know I’m pretty lucky too. I have a nice house and a loving family and good health. Everyone is lucky in their own way. It’s all good.”