My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  I jumped out of bed before my alarm went off, still drunk with happiness over the events that occurred last night. Who better to share the news with, than my mom? So I dialed her number and prepared for the yelling.

  “Violet, every damn day you’re waking me up now. What’s the latest disaster?”

  “Good morning to you too, mom. There is no disaster today. It’s all rainbows and sunshine!” I chirped. “Last night was amazing! Rocky kissed me at work in front of everyone and then we went for a romantic picnic under the stars. We have a date tonight and he’s going with me on Saturday to Marjorie’s birthday party.”

  “Rainbows and sunshine, huh? And what brought about this drastic turn of events?”

  “Well, some loser smacked me on the ass at work and Rocky had a fit and fired him. The guy claimed he thought I was single, like somehow that would make it acceptable to whack me on the ass. Rocky kissed me like there was no tomorrow, to make it known that I was his. Then he fired the douchebag and we drove to a scenic overlook and had a picnic and it was really sweet.”

  “So you’re his now, hmm? Did he give you his letter jacket and his class ring too, Violet? You are your own person. You don’t belong to anyone. You better not have had sex at this scenic place of romance. I raised a lady, not someone with loose morals.” Damn. She could turn everything into a lecture!

  “No, mom, my virtue is still intact. Oh wait, I was married for EIGHT years. I’m not a virgin! I’ve had sex with one person my whole entire life. If I want to double that number to two, then I will. Nothing is wrong with sex between two consenting adults that use protection. Why don’t you lecture your sister if you have to talk to anyone about safe sex?” I hate it when she rains on my parade.

  “I’m only nagging at you because I love you and I don’t want to see you get hurt. Imagine how you’re going to feel if you have sex with this guy and then he never calls you again. You’ll feel awful. I’m trying to save you from yourself. It just seems like you’re moving very fast. You’ve had one date and now you have plans for the whole weekend. What’s the rush? Just be careful, ok?” I told her I wouldn’t jump into anything too serious and we ended the conversation. I was tired of being a good girl all my life.

  I was pulling into work, excited to tell Dottie about my wild night, when my phone beeped with an incoming text.

  “Good morning, beautiful. Have a good day and I’ll see you tonight. R”

  That was so nice and thoughtful of him. What should I text back? I wonder if I was the only girl he texted like that. What if I was one of many? Duh, I was the only one he was seeing TONIGHT. Maybe I should get my head out of my ass.

  “I’m looking forward to it already. V”

  I skipped in to work with a smile on my face. Rocky had that effect on me. Today would be good. How could it not? Ah, I had the world in the palm of my hand.

  Friday Night, Week Two

  My work day had gone well, and as I expected, Dottie was on the edge of her seat to hear all the juicy details about last night. We didn’t have long to chat because the workload was crazy. The phone didn’t stop ringing with customers having problems and eight hours seemed to pass in the blink of an eye.

  I raced home in order to have time to get ready for my hot date. After making sure all the appropriate places were shaved and perfumed, I found myself staring into a disorganized closet. Tomorrow’s party would be formal so maybe tonight should be casual? My clothing choices were greatly limited due to the fact that I hated at least half of everything I owned. After much debate, I decided on a pair of black dress pants, black high heeled open toe Vera Wang shoes, and a white blouse with embroidered designs on the sleeves. The phone rang while I did a final twirl in front of the mirror. One look at the clock told me it was five minutes before six. What if it wasn’t Rocky calling to cancel? I hoped everything was alright.

  The caller ID showed Stella’s number instead.

  “Violet, I’m having an emergency! I just got home with the girls after soccer practice and my house is flooded. Something in the upstairs bathroom must have broken and there’s water all over my dining room. Max had training out of town all day for work and he won’t be home for another hour. I can’t get ahold of my dad and I don’t know what to do. Water is literally raining down from the ceiling coming from my chandelier!”

  DING DONG. The doorbell sounded, announcing the arrival of my date. Fuck. I looked out the peephole to confirm it was him and opened the door while trying to talk Stella off the ledge.

  “Stella, sit tight. Rocky just got here and we can be at your house in five minutes, ok? No one is dead, you’ll be fine.”

  Rocky looked at me with concern as I explained the situation. “That was my best friend Stella on the phone in a total panic. We have to go to her house because something broke in her bathroom and she has a flood now.”

  “Let’s go,” he replied. “Tell me how to get to her house.”

  I gave directions while I briefed him on what to expect. “Stella lives in a two story house and she just got home with her twin girls. She said something in an upstairs bathroom must have started to leak and now she has a flood. The dining room is directly under her bathroom and evidently water is streaming from the light fixtures. Her husband is out of town for work and won’t be home for an hour. Her dad is a plumber but she can’t track him down. Do you know anything about plumbing?”

  He shrugged his shoulders and said, “We’ll see what we can do. It shouldn’t be too difficult. If I can fix some of the machines at work, then plumbing should be a piece of cake.”

  We pulled into her driveway to find mass chaos. The girls were running around in circles yelling, “Our house is under water!”

  Stella looked like a total mess with her arms full of sopping wet towels and a grim expression. “My brand new oak kitchen table is going to be RUINED!”

  Rocky walked over with an air of authority and broke in, “Take me to the bathroom and show me the problem.”

  Stella stared at him for a full three seconds before turning and marching upstairs. “I think the problem is with the toilet. There’s an inch of standing water in my bathroom and it’s starting to leak through the floor. I tried the shut off valve, but it’s stuck and I can’t get it to move. It’s pretty rusty.” They were in the process of remodeling their house and she hadn’t gotten to that bathroom yet.

  Stella wasn’t kidding about the inch of water on her bathroom floor. It was starting to creep into the hallway and saturate her carpet. Rocky went right over to the valve, applied some muscle, and got it to turn off. While he knelt down to do a full inspection of the toilet, Stella turned to me and gave me two thumbs up. She wiggled her eyebrows and mouthed, “Holy shit!” while Rocky’s back was turned. He must have earned her approval. Once his examination was complete, he offered a diagnosis.

  “It looks like the rubber gasket between the toilet tank and the seat must have failed causing your leak. Now that the water is shut off, we just have to mop up this mess and then see how bad it all soaked through into your dining room.”

  I took a second to make introductions. “Stella, this is Rocky. Rocky, this is my best friend Stella.” The twins chose that moment to barge in to the bathroom.

  “Are you Violet’s new boyfriend?” they teased in sing song voices. Oh shit. I forgot how embarrassing eight year old girls could be. I wanted to stick my head in the toilet in mortification.

  “Yes, as a matter of fact I AM Violet’s new boyfriend. My name is Rocky. Who might you be?”

  They didn’t get a chance to answer since they immediately dissolved into giggles and started taunting, “Violet and Rocky, sitting in a tree…K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

  Stella sternly told them to knock it off while she held back laughter of her own. I put my head in my hands to cover my embarrassment, shocked that he already broke out the “boyfriend” title. I’m sure he just said that to be nice to the girls. Stella, being a classy girl who had manners, stepped up and shook Rocky’s
hand.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Rocky. I’ve heard good things. I really appreciate you coming over to help. Can I show you the dining room now?”

  Rocky smiled and nodded his head. He followed Stella out of the bathroom and put his hand on the small of my back as we walked. I looked up at him and added my gratitude.

  “Thanks for helping. I owe you one.”

  “You don’t owe me anything, Violet. I’m happy to help.”

  I wasn’t paying attention because I was still fixated on his use of the word “boyfriend.” Maybe my mom was right and we’re moving too quickly. Or maybe he just said it in a joking way when he was talking to the girls. Damn it! I hate second guessing myself. Why couldn’t I just be happy without having to dissect every word he said?

  Rocky helped Stella and I move her dining room table so it would be out of the way of the dripping water. He started to take down the chandelier and Stella pulled me into another room for a private chat.

  “You look like you’re five seconds away from a panic attack, Violet. What’s wrong?”

  “He used the word ‘boyfriend’ and I don’t know if he meant it or not. My mom lectured me this morning about moving too fast. You don’t think we are, do you? Or do you think he was just kidding around talking to the girls and he doesn’t consider himself my boyfriend?” I frantically whispered.

  “Dumb ass, go take a look around the corner and tell me what you see,” she demanded. I peeked around the corner and saw Rocky unscrewing the chandelier lights. He had khaki pants that were now stained with water, and a black dress shirt tucked into a black belt. He turned around, caught me staring at him, and winked. I ducked back around the corner like a naughty kid busted for stealing from the candy jar.

  “I see a drop dead gorgeous man with water all over his nice dress pants.” What else was I supposed to see?

  “Exactly,” Stella confirmed. “He came over here to help with no complaining and no concern about ruining his clothes, he was nice to my kids, not to mention the fact that he’s VERY easy on the eyes. And you’re worried about what he meant when he called himself your boyfriend? You’re fucking mental! I know I told you to be careful, but I changed my mind after seeing all this with my own eyes! Why you haven’t screwed him by now is beyond me. What the hell are you waiting for?” Leave it to Stella to be blunt.

  “I don’t know! We didn’t have a condom. I really might have. I don’t rush into things. I’m paranoid. Why are you pressuring me?!” I blurted.

  “I’m not pressuring you. I’m trying to save you from yourself,” she hissed.

  What the hell? That was the second time today that people told me they were trying to save me from myself. Was I so bad that I needed to be protected from me? I don’t think so! Frankie was trying to save me from having sex too soon and Stella was trying to save me from not having sex at all. Talk about confusing!

  “That’s strange,” I responded, “because Frankie told me NOT to have sex. She said she was trying to save me from myself if it all went bad.”

  “Don’t listen to your mother! If you did that then you’d never have had sex at all!” she warned.

  A loud cough from the hallway alerted us to the presence of Rocky. “I hate to interrupt ladies, but the light fixture is down and we might want to think about tearing off some drywall to let the ceiling air out.” Oh shit. How much of that had he heard? He turned back toward the dining room while I made frantic hand motions at Stella and she returned them, arms waving.

  Rocky tore down some drywall after showing us how soft and soggy it was. Stella and I carried up box fans from the basement to get some air circulating and dry things off. By that time it was almost seven o’clock and Max was due home any minute. I was starving and admitted it.

  “I guess this means our dinner reservations were given to someone else. I’m hungry. What do you want to do about supper, Rocky?”

  “That’s entirely up to you, Violet.” He’d gone quiet since walking in on our hushed conversation about sex versus no sex and I was really starting to worry that he was pissed.

  Max got home, introductions were made, and Rocky explained what he’d done to temporarily fix the problem.

  “I sure appreciate your help, Rocky. I owe you one. Let Stella and I take you out to dinner one of these days to make up for ruining your date tonight, ok?” Max suggested. Max stood with his arm around Stella. He was a good husband, always doting on her and the kids. He was of average height and carried about twenty more pounds then he should have. Max was extremely good natured and put up well with being the only male of the household. His world revolved around his girls and it showed in the way his eyes lit up when he was with them.

  “It was no trouble at all. Glad I could help. Nice to meet you both,” Rocky responded.

  We walked out to the car after I promised to call Stella tomorrow and get an update on her water situation. I once again thanked Rocky for his help.

  “I just want you to know that I really appreciate you giving up a nice dinner to help my friend. Thank you.”

  Rocky sighed and shook his head. “Today is not going the way I planned at all. I’m hungry and I’m not in the best mood. What do you want to eat?”

  I bet I was the cause of his mood. “Why don’t we just get pizza somewhere? That’s fast and easy,” I suggested.

  “Fine with me,” he responded. Now we were down to three word answers. I didn’t like the way this was shaping up at all.

  “We can take the pizza back to my house if you want.” My house was clean and not too far away. It seemed the most logical option.

  We went to the pizza place, ordered, and waited in silence while it was being made. This was becoming awkward. I tried to replay the events leading up to this to see where I went wrong. He must have heard our whispered conversation and now he thinks I don’t want to have sex with him.

  We got the pizza and returned to my house. I set out plates and napkins while he washed up in the sink. “I’m sorry your clothes got wet and our date was ruined,” I blurted out.

  He grabbed some pizza and made his way to my couch. He shook his head and elaborated on the cause of his sour mood. “The whole day sucked actually. I had to do the work of two technicians instead of my job because I fired half the staff the night before. It took me three hours to get the broken machine recalibrated and up and running again. Dmitry had no luck last night with his visits to Lance and Enrique. Enrique apparently dropped off the face of the earth. His apartment was cleaned out and he doesn’t answer his phone. Lance was easy to find, but he didn’t appreciate Dmitry showing up on his doorstep to threaten him. Lance pulled out a baseball bat and Dmitry shoved a gun in his face in return. The situation should never have escalated that far. Then after a long day of work, my nice dinner plans get cancelled, my clothes get wet, and my girl gets all crazy when I call myself her boyfriend. Did I mention the heated debate I overhead about whether or not to have sex with me? It sounds like the decision is split with one ‘hell no’ vote and one ‘why the fuck not’ vote.”

  Wow. I don’t know how I get myself into these situations. My life would be so much easier if I could learn to shut my damn mouth. Time to do some damage control.

  “If I had a dollar for every time I said something stupid that I wished I could take back, I’d be rich. I’m a moron. But please hear me out and give me a chance to explain myself. I already told you that I’m an only child and extremely close to my mom. I talked to her this morning and she gave me a lecture about the fact that I didn’t even know you two weeks ago, and that I was moving too fast and needed to slow down. Then you use the word ‘boyfriend’ and I didn’t know if you said it because you meant if or if you were just joking around with the girls. I wanted you to mean it. I still don’t know why someone like you would be interested in someone like me. I’m filled with anxiety and I second guess and over-analyze everything. I can’t go with the flow. I freak out all the time,” I stammered.

  “I’m not
hing special, Violet. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. You should find some nice guy to take you to dinner or a movie and drop you off on your porch without trying to get into your pants. Someone who will treat you like a lady. Someone your mom approves of. A guy with money who can provide for you.”

  “Are you serious? I don’t want anyone else! You scrapped our plans to help my friend. You rolled up your sleeves and got dirty without a second thought. There should be NO doubt in your mind that I’d rather be here with YOU then be anywhere else with any ONE else. You said that yesterday and it bothered me then too.”

  “I said what yesterday?” he asked, looking confused.

  “You said you had nothing to offer me. That’s absurd. You’re the hottest guy I’ve ever met, but that’s not why I’m here.” I counted off the reasons on my hand as I spoke. “You’re loyal to your friends and dropped everything to help Stella, who’s a total stranger. You make me laugh and calm me down when my anxiety kicks in. For example, when we went to have target practice and all the guys whipped out their guns and I almost shit myself and you took me aside to reassure me it was ok. I feel special and treasured when I’m with you. Safe and protected, like you would never let anything hurt me. Whether it’s knocking raw burger from my hands or firing Lance for his ass grab, I know you have my back. I could give two shits about needing someone to provide for me. All I need is a roof over my head and food on the table. I want for nothing. I only want you.” I paused to come up for air and find a way to make him understand. “I know you don’t pressure me to put out. The pressure is all coming from an internal debate with myself. You have no idea how much I want you, but I feel like there’s an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. The devil says ‘he’s hot, he treats you right, quit being a pussy’ but the angel says, ‘it’s been two weeks dumbass. What’s the rush? Don’t do something impulsive.’ Sometimes it just takes me awhile to figure things out. I’m sorry I was a jerk today.”