My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  I stepped up and made introductions. “You both know Rocky. These are his friends Dmitry and Irina. Guys, this is my mom Frankie and my best friend Stella.”

  “I don’t care who these people are,” my mom rudely responded. “I care about what the hell is going on. Start talking, Violet!”

  “To make a long story short, Rocky’s crazy ex flew in from New York City to confront me. She has ties to the mob, so they figured it was safer if I stay with Rocky where he can keep an eye on me.” That about sums it up without adding in any unnecessary information.

  Of course that wasn’t good enough for her. “Do you have any idea of what you’re getting into with this guy? It sounds like messy drama that you don’t need. You’ve only known him for what--two weeks--and you’ve already slept with him and now his ex is after you? I didn’t raise you to be so reckless. Is this some sort of bizarre mid-life crisis?”

  I looked at Stella for help, but she just stared at me and waited for my reply. I had none. There was no way I could tell them who Rocky really was. That would go over just marvelously. Rocky is a mobster, Dmitry is a killer, Sergio’s family is legendary, and the Russian bitch is going to try and kill me in a few days. I couldn’t even imagine her response to that.

  I cleared my throat and said, “It is not a mid-life crisis.” I waited for more words to appear in my mouth so I could offer a logical explanation, but there wasn’t one.

  Thankfully Rocky jumped in on my behalf. “I know this looks bad, but I can promise you that I will not let any harm come to Violet. I’ve gotten to know her pretty well in only a short time and I can honestly say that she means the world to me. I will find a way to deal with my ex and resolve this situation as quickly as possible.” That sounded very mature and diplomatic.

  My mom’s reply was neither mature nor diplomatic. “What kind of fucked up person has a crazy ex-girlfriend who goes around threatening people after they’ve broken up? What else are you hiding from your past? I don’t want my daughter involved in any of this!”

  Rocky held his head high and continued to look my mom directly in the eye. “My ex was definitely one of my biggest mistakes, but that relationship ended two and a half years ago and I can’t go back and change anything now.”

  My mom was getting pissed that she wasn’t able to intimidate Rocky. She made one last attempt to take charge of the situation. “This guy has a lot of problems, but they are not yours, Violet. Get in the car. We’re leaving.”

  “No,” I said without hesitation.

  She glared at me and slowly asked, “What did you just say?”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I reiterated. I couldn’t make Rocky be the bad guy here or my mom would hate him for the rest of her life. I had to step up and handle my business. “While I appreciate you two riding to my rescue, I have a handle on things here. In a few days the crazy girl will be gone and we can all get back to normal.”

  “So you’re just going to hide here?” Stella asked. “What about your real job?”

  “I have vacation days,” I sheepishly answered.

  My mom was livid. “That’s great. Throw your whole life away for some guy you just met. Don’t come running to me when this all falls apart!” She yelled and stormed back to her car.

  Stella shook her head and said, “I sure hope you know what you’re doing.” She walked away without looking back.

  I watched them leave and then I turned to go back into the building. Rocky started to speak, but I held up my hand to stop him. “Please, I can’t handle one more thing tonight. Just let me go to sleep.” I went back to bed and pulled the covers over my head. I could not wait for this day to be over with. Mercifully, it was. I fell asleep exhausted.

  Wednesday Morning, Week Three

  I woke up in bed alone and called in sick to my job. At least my phone still worked after I threw it against the wall last night. Maybe today would turn out better than the clusterfuck I had to deal with yesterday. Fingers crossed! I told Dottie that I didn’t feel well at all and that I might have eaten something that didn’t agree with me because I was miserable. That was the truth. I didn’t feel well and I was miserable. It just wasn’t from eating anything, but rather from a tall blonde devil and her crazy vendetta against me. Dottie told me to feel better and check in later with an update. I felt extremely guilty for not telling her the whole story. I sulked into the kitchen and made myself some toast. That was all I could manage to gag down since I had a major case of anxiety. I really didn’t know how they were going to teach me to fight.

  At first glance, the whole apartment appeared empty. I took a closer look and noticed Rocky sleeping on the couch. He must not have come back to bed after the whole fiasco with my mom. Rocky sat up when I started banging around in the kitchen. He watched while I buttered my toast and poured a glass of orange juice. Since I was stuck here indefinitely, I might as well make myself at home. Neither of us spoke and it was starting to get uncomfortable. I broke the ice by taking my breakfast over and sitting on the couch next to him. He put his hand up and softly stroked my cheek.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Sorry for putting you in this situation where you fight with your mom and have to miss work. I’ll find a way to make it up to you. If there’s anything I can do…” he trailed off.

  “I want some fresh clothes. Can we go back to my house and get some things?” While that appeared to be a question, I wasn’t really asking. No matter what he said, I was going home for supplies. It would be nice to see my house and make sure it was still standing.

  “Dmitry is up on the roof keeping watch. As soon as Vasily and Irina come back, we can go to your house.”

  “Any word from Gypsy? What’s the latest on Ursula?” I wondered what she was up to last night.

  Rocky nodded and gave me an update. “Gypsy said they’re staying at a hotel. He followed them last night. Evidently they went to a bar for a few hours and then returned to their hotel room around two in the morning. He left after that to go get some sleep. He’ll check in on them again this morning.”

  “We need more people here. Dmitry and Vasily can’t keep watching the roof all day while Gypsy follows Ursula. This isn’t going to work.” I shook my head in disappointment.

  “Yeah, I can’t keep closing the factory every day either. Last week we closed for two nights, but that wasn’t a big issue. Most of the work happens during the day. I have four employees who work during the day, Monday through Friday. You’ve never met them because you’re at work. They’re the ones who deal with preparing all the ingredients and bottling the gin. The night crew mostly monitors equipment and temperatures and gets the bottles ready for shipping. I have a small storage room with a back stock of supply. It’s not that much though, maybe enough to last a week. That’s only in the event of an emergency…if there’s a problem with the equipment then I’ll still be able to fill orders. I have every intention of letting the day crew do their jobs this week. I can’t afford to send people home and pay them anyway,” Rocky explained.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Go to your house before the employees come and then get back here to keep an eye on things. That’s all I can do.”

  “I wish I was as cool and badass as you all are. If I was, then I could have fought Ursula and it would be over and you wouldn’t have all these problems right now.” I hung my head in defeat. “I have nothing to offer,” I added.

  “No, Violet, I’m not cool and badass at all. Your mom is right. My past is fucked up. We’re all fucked up in our own way. No one’s perfect,” Rocky admitted. “If I believed that you had nothing to offer, then you wouldn’t have gotten this far with me. I’d go back to New York City and it would be a lot easier. But that’s not the road I want to take. I want to make an honest living with this business and I want you. You’re worth fighting for.”

  I looked at him and he put his hand under my chin and tipped my face up toward his. He leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the lips that turned
into more. I wrapped my arms around him and we clung to each other for a few minutes, neither of us wanting to go back to the reality of the situation.

  There was a knock on the door, and Dmitry came in as we broke apart from our embrace.

  “I see she didn’t stay mad at you for very long,” Dmitry observed.

  “We’ll see how today goes,” I stated, not willing to make any promises. If it was anything like yesterday, then I didn’t know how much more I could handle. “I’m glad to see you Dmitry. Can we go on a morning raid to my house to get some fresh clothes? I’m done with the librarian look for a while.”

  Dmitry raised his eyebrow at Rocky, who in turn nodded his head.

  “Good, let’s go. We’re burning daylight here. I want to make sure my house is still standing.” I was running out of time until the day shift got here and it was clear we had to be back by then.

  Rocky went to get dressed and I stared at Dmitry impatiently. After waiting for a few minutes, I expressed what was on my mind.

  “So what’s the plan?” I asked.

  “The plan for what, exactly?”

  “The plan for the day. Do we have to sneak into my house or can we use the front door? How much time am I allowed in there so I can throw stuff in a bag? What happens after that? Where are you teaching me to fight? How long does that take? Do you think I can learn or am I hopeless? What are we going to do to Sergio when he comes back? Do you think he knows we’re pissed at him?”

  Dmitry took a step back and held up his hands. “Whoa, Violet. It’s way too early for all that. I haven’t even had a cup of coffee and you’re hitting me with all this. Can you try asking me one question at a time here?”

  “What did I miss? You look absolutely shell-shocked, Dmitry!” Rocky had thrown on a pair of jeans and a baseball hat and had already returned to the living room.

  “Violet is giving me the third degree and I’m not even fully awake yet. She has about thirty-two questions. Why don’t you answer them for her?” Dmitry replied, groggily.

  “Those were all legitimate questions. I expect answers. Go!” It was after seven in the morning, he should be fully alert by now.

  Dmitry ran his hands over his eyes and sighed. “Ok. We can use the front door to your house. You have exactly seven minutes to grab whatever you want and then we should go. After that, we can start your training. We train here. I don’t know how long it takes to teach you to fight because I don’t know what kind of shape you’re in. Sergio is entirely Rocky’s problem. I’m pretty sure he has no idea that you’re pissed at him. I’m not pissed at him. He’s an idiot. That’s nothing new in my opinion.”

  “Thank you. That was semi-helpful. Rocky, what are we going to do about Sergio?” That was pretty much the only question that was not answered.

  “What do you mean?” Rocky asked, “What are we going to do about what?”

  “Sergio’s disloyalty? Unloyalty? Douchbag-ery? How are we doling out punishment?” I clarified.

  “That should be the least of your concerns right now. Let’s take this one step at a time. First we get clothes. Then we come back here. Then we figure out what comes next. Let’s go!” Rocky herded us out the door and we shuffled into the parking lot to Dmitry’s waiting SUV.

  I looked up on the roof and I waved at Vasily as we jumped in the car. I asked, “How much sleep did you all get?”

  Dmitry answered, “Vasily got more than I did, but not enough to handle all your questions. You get exactly three more questions until we get back here, so I suggest you use them wisely.”

  “That’s fine. Sometimes I need boundaries or I’ll run wild. I’ll accept that.” It would be a challenge to only ask three questions the whole time we were gone.

  Rocky laughed. “I like this new tactic, Dmitry. I should have thought of it sooner.”

  “Fuck you,” I offered from the backseat. I spent the rest of the ride planning what I would spend my seven minutes trying to grab from my house. I had a decent list complied in my head by the time we arrived.

  We pulled in to my driveway and Dmitry went in first to do a security sweep of the house. Once he was satisfied that it was untouched, Rocky and I went in to grab my stuff while Dmitry stood guard in the driveway. “Remember…seven minutes!”

  I felt like I was on a game show and could only grab the most expensive items to win the prize. I grabbed a giant black garbage bag and made Rocky hold it while I threw stuff in. I went from room to room. In the bathroom, I grabbed shampoo, mousse, conditioner, soap, contact lens juice and case, hair brush, toothbrush, and hair dryer. I told Rocky that he was the countdown clock and had to give me an update on how long I had left. He told me it had only been thirty seconds, so I grabbed some acetaminophen, cough drops, and antibiotic cream.

  Next stop was my closet and dresser. I threw in all my underwear, bras, and socks. I picked a few pair of jeans, some turtlenecks, some t shirts, some sweaters, and some slutty shirts. I threw in a coat and some shoes for good measure. Rocky had to run to the kitchen for another garbage bag, so I just threw the stuff on the floor until he came back and packed it. I grabbed my pillow and my cell phone charger and we made our way back to the kitchen. The second bag still had some room, so I threw in cereal, granola bars, and candy bars.

  “What the hell? Are we going on a month long trek to the outer limits of the universe? I’m pretty sure I can go to the grocery store and buy you all this food,” Rocky said in disbelief.

  “Oh, too bad. Time’s up. Let’s go back to the car.”

  Dmitry was leaning against the SUV, in a stance that was decidedly NOT guard-like.

  “Look alive, incoming!” I yelled as we came out of the house with Rocky holding my bags of treasure.

  “How long are you staying at his house? Or are there dead bodies in there?” Dmitry questioned.

  “Not funny! I needed supplies. I’m sure there’s more I could have brought, but I was given a time limit.” I hopped up into the SUV and gazed sadly at my house as we pulled away. “Hey, I’ll use up one of my questions and ask why I only got seven minutes anyway?”

  Dmitry smiled and replied devilishly, “That’s the first number that popped into my head. It was pretty random. I didn’t feel like standing in your driveway for any longer than that. It’s early and I haven’t had coffee yet.”

  “YOU FUCKER! TURN AROUND, I’M GOING BACK!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

  “Lesson one of your training,” Dmitry explained. “Don’t let anything that anyone says get under your skin. If something does bother you, don’t let it show. Never let your opponent think they have the upper hand.”

  Rocky laughed his ass off, while I pouted in the back seat. I didn’t use up the other two of my questions, as I was silent the whole way back to Rocky’s.

  Rocky took pity on me and turned around. “Lesson two of your training is that you will take some blows. You can’t let it get to you. If your opponent wins a round, you have to suck it up and move on. You don’t let it bother you for the whole match. One lost round does not mean a lost fight. You don’t give up. You keep going.”

  “These are truly awesome nuggets of wisdom. Maybe I’ll write them in my journal to read later…oh wait, I’ll be dead because none of that’s going to help in a fight!” I declared while rolling my eyes.

  Thankfully we got back to the brewery and I unloaded my stuff. I felt better having familiar items with me. If I couldn’t be home, at least I could bring some of my home back here. I took a shower and dressed in a clean pair of jeans and a thin red sweatshirt over a black t shirt. I went in to the living room to find Irina, Dmitry, and Rocky waiting for me. Irina was dressed in skin tight black short shorts and a black long sleeve spandex shirt. I wondered if she had any loose fitting clothes at all. It must be tough to breathe. Her hair was in a ponytail on the top of her head. She was in full make-up. Awesome.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Time to start training,” Dmitry answered. “Are you ready?” />
  Probably not. “Sure.” Might as well get this over with.

  The four of us marched outside to the grassy field next to the parking lot. While I was showering, a training area had been set up. It consisted of a red cushioned mat covering some of the grass, one of the rubber training dummies that we shot at, and a heavy punching bag on a stand. It was pretty impressive.

  Dmitry instructed, “First we’re going to have Irina show you how to punch and where to punch for maximum effectiveness.”

  I watched Irina as she demonstrated by hitting the rubber training dummy. Then it was my turn. I tried to imitate her moves, but I didn’t have the strength that she did. She was doing high kicks and weird karate chops. I couldn’t even get my leg up that high, let alone kick the dummy in the right spot. After watching this for a while, Rocky walked off to go sit in the grass and make a call on his phone. I didn’t blame him; this was not pretty at all.

  Dmitry wasn’t frustrated. He tried a different tactic. “Violet, you have to be able to put all of your weight behind a punch. I want you to practice your stance and hit this heavy bag as hard as you can.”

  “Sure. Where are the gloves?” I hope he had good gloves that fit my hand.

  “No gloves. We’re not boxing here. This is a fist fight. You have to learn to punch with your hands only and no gloves.”

  Wait, what? That would hurt! I said as much and he told me, “You have to be prepared for a real fight. Ursula will not go easy on you. You need to be able to deliver a good punch that’s going to knock her on her ass and give her something to think about. Hit the heavy bag as hard as you can. Don’t be afraid of it. We need to get you used to the feel of hitting a solid object with no gloves on. Put your fear aside and do it.”

  “You do it,” I said.

  Unfortunately he did. Dmitry took three swift punches to the bag and it toppled completely over. He didn’t even blink or break a sweat.

  I sighed and got into position after he set up the bag again. I explained my stance and how I felt more comfortable punching with my left hand first and then a powerhouse punch with my right.