My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  “Are you going to explain that to Ursula before you hit her? No. Quit talking and do it.”

  I took a deep breath and hit the bag. It hurt because I had no gloves on.

  “Did you die? No. Did it hurt? Probably. Do it again,” Dmitry ordered.

  I hit the bag about half a dozen times, each punch harder than the last. I was getting more comfortable when Rocky came over to check on my progress. I wanted to show off, but I hit the bag too hard and grabbed my hand in pain.

  “Let me see,” Rocky demanded. I held out my hand and he complained, “What are you doing to her? You’re pushing her too far!” My knuckles were covered in scratches and starting to bleed from hitting the bag with nothing on to protect them.

  “No pain, no gain?” I sheepishly offered.

  “Do you want to continue?” Rocky asked me.

  “Yes, I’ve been out here for half an hour. I don’t know anything yet.”

  “Fine. Proceed. But slow it down a little.” Rocky looked at Dmitry and repeated himself, “Slow it down.”

  Rocky walked away to make another phone call. I was starting to get annoyed that he was not helping me, but instead spending all his time on the phone.

  Dmitry waited until Rocky was out of earshot and then smiled at me. “In fighting, you have to know how to land a punch and you have to know how to take a punch. Landing a punch involves patience and practice in order to be able to hit your target. The goal is to anticipate how they’ll move. It’s harder to hit a moving target than a stationary one. Try to hit me.”

  I looked at him blankly. What? “I don’t want to hit you.”

  He laughed. “You won’t be able to. I know how to dodge a punch. I can predict how you’re going to move and react to that. I guarantee you won’t land a single punch. If you do, I’ll give you a hundred dollar bill. Go ahead. Do your worst.”

  I sighed and made several futile attempts to hit him. It didn’t work because my heart wasn’t in it. I had no hatred for him. “It’s not working. I don’t really want to hit you. If you were Ursula, I might be able to.”

  “No, you wouldn’t. You’re afraid of hitting a real person. That’s something you’re going to have to get over. Irina, the same offer applies to you. If you can land a punch on me, I’ll give you a hundred bucks. A free shot to hit your brother-in-law. Show Violet how it’s done.”

  Irina broke into a wide grin. “Watch and learn, Violet.” She made about a dozen tries to hit Dmitry, but she failed at them all. He ducked and dodged and weaved and moved so fast that she didn’t stand a chance. She made one last try to sweep his legs out from under him, and he grabbed her by the arms and flipped her over, landing her on the gym mat.

  “Game over,” he said. “You lose.”

  Irina swore at him and got up. He turned his back to her and started to explain something to me, when she came at him from behind. He turned around, blocked the punch, and spun her, trapping her hands behind her back. She screamed at him in frustration.

  “Lesson three is to never turn your back on an opponent. Just because you think the fight is finished, doesn’t mean that they do.” Dmitry let Irina go and sternly told her, “That’s enough.”

  He continued the lesson. “Violet, you need to be able to take a punch. Have you ever been in a fight before? Has anyone ever hit you?”

  “No, never.” I had literally never been hit before.

  “Well, you’re going to be afraid until you get hit. We can’t have you be afraid. You have fear of the unknown. You need to get hit so you know that it won’t kill you. Irina, hit her once. Not too hard, though.”

  What? Absolutely not! I took a few steps back and widened my eyes in fear. I saw how intensely Irina tried to hit Dmitry. She’d kill me. “No. I’m sure I’m not ready for that.”

  Irina said, “You’ll be fine, Violet. I’ll do it quickly and get it over with.”

  “If you don’t want to get hit, either block the punch or hit her first,” Dmitry advised.

  I froze in terror like a deer caught in the headlights. I screamed and closed my eyes as Irina threw a punch at my face. I tried to put my hand up to block it, but she still connected with my left eye. It hurt, but not nearly as much as I thought it would. I opened my right eye and was met with the sight of Rocky holding Irina by the arm. No wonder it hadn’t stung as much as I thought, he must have grabbed her arm and absorbed some of the blow so I didn’t take it full force. Rocky had a look of total fury on his face. It was directed at Dmitry and Irina.

  “I go to make ONE fucking phone call, and you let her get hit in the face? You have three seconds to explain this to me.”

  While still holding my hand over my bad eye and trying not to show how much it hurt, I attempted an explanation. “Dmitry said I have to learn to take a punch and not live in fear of being hit.”

  “I was actually looking for an explanation from Dmitry and not you, Violet. Thanks though,” Rocky calmly said. He turned to Dmitry and warned, “Just keep in mind that whatever happens to her also happens to you.”

  He raised his hand to punch Dmitry and I screamed, “STOP!”

  “That’s enough!” I continued, “Dmitry was only trying to help teach me stuff. No more violence. Rule number twelve, don’t hit your friends!”

  “These are lessons, not rules. Also, we’re only up to number four and not number twelve,” Dmitry explained. He looked at Rocky and said, “Lesson three was to never turn your back on an opponent because they might not think the fight is over, even if you do. Are you going to hit me or not?”

  I considered the Rocky/Dmitry potential fight as a diversion and I eyed up Irina. She wasn’t really paying attention to me. I gave a war cry and tried to attack her, but she stepped to the side, pushed me, and I ended up falling flat on my face. That maneuver did not help my bad eye. Not at all.

  “What was that?” Rocky asked while helping me up.

  “Lesson five, use the element of surprise,” I meekly suggested.

  “There is no element of surprise when you yell ‘Argh’ before you attack someone and charge at them like a wild bull,” Rocky explained while shaking his head.

  “Also, we’re still only on lesson number four,” Dmitry advised.

  This was going nowhere! Rocky removed my hand from my injured eye and confirmed, “You might actually get a black eye from that hit. Your very first shiner, I assume?”

  I smiled and nodded my head. My first battle scar. My mom would be so proud. Ok, she would yell at me and ask me what the hell I was doing and tell me to go back inside where it was safe.

  “I didn’t even cry or anything!” I beamed with pride.

  I looked at Irina for more compliments on my bravery and she shook her head in disappointment. “You realize that I walked home four miles with a broken ankle once, right? I barely touched you and you’re ready to throw a parade for yourself.”

  Bitch. “If there was going to be a parade, you just rained on it!”

  “Ok. We’re going to go back inside, re-group, get some beer, and strategize,” Rocky said while grabbing my hand and leading the way.

  “What’s the beer for?” I asked.

  “I’m guessing that you’re celebrating your injury and the rest of us are drowning our sorrows of how hopeless you are,” Dmitry replied

  “That’s a fact!” Rocky confirmed.

  I tried to roll my eyes, but it actually hurt to do that.

  ----------------------------------------

  We ended up having a nice picnic lunch. Rocky had pizza delivered and we took a case of beer up to the roof to keep Vasily company and plot our next move. I had a bottle of water instead of beer because I needed to stay focused and it was too early in the day to get wasted. We sat in an odd assortment of lawn chairs, forming a circle around the pizza. Everyone was devouring their food and offering ideas to keep me alive.

  “Maybe we could get a stunt double for her? Do you think Ursula really got a good look at her?” Vasily questioned before letting o
ut a giant belch.

  “That’s thinking outside the box, bro, but I don’t think it will work,” Dmitry sighed.

  I was sitting next to Rocky and I nudged him with my elbow. “Look at my eye. Is it black and blue? How’s my bruise coming along?” I was quite pleased with the potential to have a black eye. It didn’t hurt as much after Rocky made me put ice on it and take an aspirin.

  “Really? That’s your main concern right now? Because if we don’t find a way out of this, you’re going to have a lot more bruises than that!” Rocky admonished.

  “And broken bones and internal bleeding,“ Irina added.

  “Maybe we just have to take a different approach. Isn’t she good at any hand to hand combat at all? Could we teach her one or two jabs or chops to hit Ursula in the throat and take her out in one blow?” Vasily suggested.

  Dmitry looked at me sadly and said, “Not really. She has no experience with fighting at all. She didn’t grow up like we did. You can’t learn a lifetime of skills in one morning. Maybe if we had more time...”

  I smiled and said, “Do you know what this all reminds me of?” I waited for anyone to answer but no one did. “It reminds me of the movie ‘Dirty Dancing’ when Johnny had to practice with Baby and teach her how to dance in the big show so Penny could get her abortion and not lose her job. Except in my case there’s fighting instead of dancing and I’m probably going to die.”

  “You’re not going to die,” Rocky promised, “I won’t let that happen.”

  “Good movie reference, Violet. I love ‘Dirty Dancing.’ Patrick Swayze is really hot in that movie,” Irina agreed.

  “No one puts baby in the corner!” Vasily shouted and opened another can of beer. I think it was his fourth.

  “Maybe Vasily should ease up off the beer, huh?” I suggested.

  “No, he’s fine. He just really likes that movie. I might have made him watch it two or three or twenty times,” Irina confessed.

  Dmitry was looking out the scope of the rifle instead of participating any further in this conversation. He perked up and waved to someone down below. “Sergio finally arrived. He’s making his way up here right now.”

  “Shoot out his tires!” I yelled.

  “Why is no one taking any of this seriously? It’s really starting to annoy me,” Rocky said.

  “I have a plan.” It had actually just come to me and it was brilliant.

  Rocky looked over at me and asked, “What now?”

  “I have a plan on how to deal with Sergio.”

  Rocky threw up his hands in disgust and yelled, “NO ONE IS TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU?”

  Sergio chose that moment to open the door that led to the roof. He was treated to the sight of Vasily smashing his empty beer can on his head, Rocky looking furious, and the rest of us just staring at him.

  “What did I miss? Sergio asked.

  Rocky was happy to fill him in. “Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m dealing with a group of insane monkeys who have no concept of reality. One is well on his way to getting drunk and the other three had the lamest training session I’ve ever seen. And this one,” he paused to point at me, “thinks it’s all a fucking joke!”

  “I don’t think it’s all a fucking joke!” I screamed back at him. “Do you know how frustrating it is that you’re all ninja super heroes and I’m a physical fuck-up? My life didn’t require me to know any of this stuff. I watched TV and read books. I was sheltered. My biggest worry is to not cut off a finger when I’m peeling potatoes. I have no exposure to any of this. I’m not the baddest mafia enforcer in all the land or whatever the hell you all are. Do you think I want to get hurt or killed? NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT!” I started to cry in shame in and frustration. I hated being the odd man out; the one who was different and didn’t fit in with the rest of the group.

  Irina came over to put her arm around me and soothed, “Don’t be afraid, Violet. We won’t let you get killed, ok?”

  “I’m not afraid of dying. I know a lot of dead people and dogs in Heaven. I’m afraid of disappointing you all. I know you’re just trying to help me and I don’t want to let you down.”

  They all stared at me in stunned silence.

  Rocky let out an unholy wail of rage. “I’ll just go out there and break Ursula’s neck myself,” he threatened.

  “And start a mob war that’s more violent than anyone has ever seen? The Russians will go after the Italians, and the Latinos and Asians will try to make a power play. It’ll be a bloodbath,” Sergio predicted.

  Rocky pointed to me and vowed, “I will not let her be sacrificed. Ursula has ruined my life once, she will not do it again. If she touches Violet, I will kill her myself and damn the consequences.” He shook his head and continued, “I ran away last time and I will not run anymore. This ends here and now. This is my problem, not Violet’s. It’s time that I acted like a man instead of a coward. No one controls me ever again. No one manipulates me. No one makes me run away from my own life, my town, my friends, or my family. We’re not backing down. This time, we fight!”

  He was met with a chorus of “Fuck yeah,” “Damn right,” and “Now you’re talking!”

  Rocky explained, “I made a few phone calls today to figure out a loophole and get Violet out of this mess. I talked to Sergio’s dad, Angelo, and he was quite helpful. The only honorable way to get out of a fight is to have someone else take your place. Angelo advised me to take Violet’s place and give Ursula the option to choose an opponent for me.”

  Dmitry objected to this immediately. “You know who she’s going to choose. She’s been pushing you to fight Alexei since day one.”

  Sergio shook his head and warned, “That’s not a good idea, Rocky.”

  “Who’s Alexei?” I asked. It seemed like everyone always knew things I didn’t.

  “Alexei is Ursula’s older brother. He lives in the Ukraine and takes care of business for their father. He’s a major player in the Bratva and also happens to be a championship boxer. He has a reputation for being ruthless in the ring. If there’s anything dirty he can do when the referees aren’t looking, then he’ll do it. It wouldn’t matter if he got caught because he has all the officials on his payroll anyway. Not that he needs to, he’s built like a ton of bricks,” Dmitry explained.

  “Why has Ursula been trying to get you to fight Alexei?” I asked Rocky.

  “Because she wanted to see who was more powerful. She wants to be with the biggest and the baddest. If I couldn’t beat him, then she would find someone else to be with. She has to have the best at all times. I never fought him though, just for spite. I had no problem with him. He stayed in the Ukraine most of the time and was rarely in New York anyway.”

  “But if you wanted to get rid of her, then why didn’t you just fight him and lose? It would have gotten her off your back,” I reasoned.

  “Pride and Honor. I would have looked weak and the Barsotti family would have looked pathetic by association.”

  “Also, Alexei usually hurts his opponents so bad that sometimes they don’t get up after the fight is over,” Vasily admitted.

  “What?!?” I exclaimed. Any relief I had about not having to fight just disappeared. “I don’t want to die Rocky, but I sure as hell don’t want you to either!”

  Rocky came over and looked into my eyes. “This is my battle, Violet, not yours. This is a long time coming. I have to face my past.” He turned to Dmitry and said, “Find a way to contact Leo or Ursula. Set up a meeting time tonight at Irina’s bar. We’ll challenge them to change the fight. Sergio, call Carmine and make sure he can be there, too.”

  Rocky took my hand and we went back to his apartment to talk in private.

  ------------------------------------

  “I don’t like this idea, Rocky. You told me that you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize your time on earth with me. This sure fucking sounds like you’re doing exactly that! Do you know this Alexei guy? Are you sure Ursula would pick him? Wha
t if he kills you? I don’t want you to die. I’m serious. Do you know what you mean to me? How important you are to me? I just found you and I’m not ready to let you go.” I was on the verge of a total breakdown here. I didn’t want to fight anyone, but I didn’t want Rocky to either. This was not the Stone Age. Issues should be discussed rationally and not lead to violence. It was so barbaric.

  “I know, Violet. You mean the world to me, too. Why do you think I’m doing all this? Do you think I want to watch as Ursula beats the shit out of you? Absolutely not. It’s my problem, not yours. Do you think I would agree to this if I thought I couldn’t win?”

  “What would you do if you thought you couldn’t win?”

  “Honestly? If I thought I had no chance and that he would kill me, I would take you and I would run again. Nothing is going to come between us. Not Ursula, not Alexei, not my past or yours. I want this over with. I want to be at peace with myself. I want every day to end with me in bed next to you and not having to worry about anything. That’s all I want. ”

  “But why do you have to fight at all? It makes no sense. People don’t solve problems this way in the real world! So what if you fight and you win? Ursula will be pissed off and she’ll still keep coming after you. This will never be over. I don’t understand how fighting one guy is going to finish things?”

  “I have to do it by the book and follow the rules or it will never be over. When I win, there will be nothing else Ursula can do. If she tries anything, then I’ll kill her and her father can’t come after me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.” Rocky took a step closer to me and wrapped me in his arms. “Trust me, ok? Trust me not to get killed. I promise you this will all work out in the end.”

  I sighed in defeat. “If you die, I swear I’ll fucking kill you! Maybe not in this life, but definitely in the next one!”

  He smiled and said, “That’s my girl.”

  Wednesday Evening, Week Three