Shadows of the Past

by Balik, Shea

  Guilt ate at Kassian for causing Hudson to feel bad. He shook his head as tears stung his eyes. “No. I told you. It was bound to happen sooner or later anyway. I’m just sorry you had to see me like that.”

  Like the guardian angel he had been all day, Hudson wrapped Kassian up in another hug. “No more apologies from either of us. We have a delicious meal to eat and then we can have some of that pie.”

  Hudson turned to the oven. Opening the door, he set the pie inside and set the timer on his phone. Then he grabbed a couple of plates and the casserole dish and headed to the small kitchen table.

  Kassian went to a drawer and got them some utensils. “I hope water is okay to drink. I don’t have anything else at the moment.”

  Hudson smiled at him reassuringly. “Water would be great.”

  After pouring them two glasses, Kassian sat down. Hudson dished out a portion that nearly filled his plate. There was no way he was going to be able to eat that much food, but when he saw Hudson put twice as much on his own dish, Kassian decided he wouldn’t say anything. Hopefully he wouldn’t explode by eating everything on his plate.

  Dipping his fork into the casserole, he brought some up to his mouth and took a bite. Spicy tomato sauce, with some sort of savory ground up meat were layered between pasta and covered in cheesy goodness.

  “Oh my god,” Kassian moaned. “That is so good.”

  Hudson had already downed at least a third of his meal. “I know. Jari’s lasagna is one of my favorite dishes. Thankfully the rest of the guys had been mostly consuming the roast beef so there was an extra lasagna for me to take.”

  Kassian surprised himself when he asked, “Will you tell me about your friends?”

  For the rest of the night he heard about the various people that made up Hudson’s pack. Kassian wasn’t sure he’d ever be comfortable around that many people, but he had to admit, having friends who were there when needed, did sound…good. Maybe one day he’d even be daring enough to meet some of them.

  CHAPTER 10

  Hudson was still mentally berating himself for leaving Kassian as they did the dishes after dinner. He should have known what would happen, but he’d gone anyway, proving his inability to be a good mate.

  It had just felt so good to be amongst his friends, even if only for a few minutes. Until that moment he’d walked back into the house, Hudson hadn’t realized exactly how much he depended on them to keep him grounded.

  Dealing with his troubled mate, especially as there was little he could do to help, had taken its toll on Hudson’s emotional state. He was frustrated and feeling helpless. Something Hudson wasn’t used to experiencing. He was a man of action. A person who got the job done, no matter how difficult it might be.

  So when he walked through the back door to find Edrick standing there as if waiting for him, Hudson had nearly dropped to his knees and cried in relief. Tears did fall when his friend and alpha took one look at him and pulled him into his arms, just holding him.

  A part of him was embarrassed to need the comfort, but he embraced his friend and held on tightly. He didn’t let it last long, but those few minutes had helped to give him the strength to confront whatever challenges Kassian faced. He may not be able to slay the demons that seemed to plague his mate, but he would help Kassian by standing by his side and holding his hand.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Edrick asked him.

  He did. If he was going to help his mate, then Hudson would need his friends’ advice. “Yes, but if it’s okay, I’d like to tell everyone at once and hopefully, get some food to take back with me.”

  Edrick nodded once, before turning on his heel and leading them into the kitchen. With its enormous table, the kitchen was where they hung out the most. For Lucca, it was because his mate, Jari, was in there preparing meals. For the rest of them, it had more to do with the kitchen being the one place they could let their guard down and be the with family.

  They may not be related by blood, but their bond was much stronger than blood. For their bond was forged in trust and protection. Hudson may not have ever told his friends just how bad life had been for him, but he knew they would have his back.

  “Hudson,” he was greeted by all his family as he walked into the kitchen. There was no censure for running away. Just love and acceptance in their voices.

  Hudson would always be grateful to have such an amazing family. He hoped they would be able to help him when it came to his mate. Several of the other mates had lived through hell themselves. At the very least, they would know what Kassian was going through.

  It was Chadwick, who finally had Hudson break down and laugh. For there was one piece of roast beef left. Chadwick glanced between Hudson and that piece of meat. His fork stabbed it and put it on his plate before he said, “Sorry you didn’t get any of the roast beef but we ate it all.”

  Then he stuck the entire piece into his mouth, which shouldn’t have been possible since it was at least twice the size of Chadwick’s mouth. Then he chewed, and chewed, and chewed. At one point, his eyes bulged out as he realized the mistake he’d made by trying to eat the whole damn thing in one bite.

  Several others rolled their eyes, while Nolan slapped Chadwick hard on the back, causing him to nearly choke. “You are such a dumbass,” Nolan told him. “Don’t expect me to save you when your stomach explodes.”

  Saber, Chadwick’s mate, chuckled. “Don’t listen to him, kitten. We all know Nolan’s instinct to help is too strong to let you die.”

  Nolan eyed Chadwick with disdain. “In his case I might make an exception.”

  As fun as this was, and most likely would be if Hudson let them continue, he was there for a reason. Not sure how to start, he blurted out, “I’ve met my mate and I need help.”

  That was all it took for his friends to stop their bantering. With all eyes on him, Hudson told them what he knew. Even as he talked, Jari had stood up and started putting together ingredients in a bowl while Harper stood up and filled two bags with casserole dishes and one of his pies. By the time he was done, Jari was nearly finished with whatever he was making.

  “I’m so sorry Kassian had to witness that. It can’t be easy to deal with the guilt.” Harper had hugged Hudson and whispered, “You tell him, whenever he’s ready, his new family is here for him.”

  “I don’t get it.” Hudson had heard Kassian mention the guilt he felt, but Hudson couldn’t understand why. “Why would he feel guilty? He was nine. There was no way he could have fought off the killer when his own parents couldn’t.”

  Harper looked up at him sadly. “That may be true, but all he knows is he survived and they didn’t. Then to have no one to help him through those emotions?” Harper shook his head sadly. “There are adults who go through tragedy that can’t deal with survivor’s guilt. I imagine a child without any coping mechanisms would find it much more difficult.”

  Suddenly, he wanted to get back to Kassian. He’d been gone far too long already. He glanced over at Jari who was still putting slices of cheese and candadian bacon on top of bread that lined the bottom of a casserole dish. “Are you almost done, Jari? I’m afraid to leave Kassian any longer. The last time I found him, he was reliving the nightmare of that day.”

  Jari nodded and kept piling ingredients into the casserole dish. “Five more minutes,” he said. “This is for breakfast, since I assume you’ll be spending the night with Kassian.”

  Like Hudson would chance leaving him again. An ice cold chill surrounded Hudson. Then his hair was pulled. Mila.

  “Dude.” Kellach pointed at Hudson’s head. “Did your hair just go up in the air?”

  It happened again three more times in a row. Mila was trying to get Hudson’s attention. “Shit,” Hudson cursed as he took the two bags of food Harper had prepared. “I’ve got to go. Something’s wrong with Kassian.”

  He heard a lid pop into place even as he raced to the front door. He went to his motorcycle and grabbed the go bag he always had in one of his saddlebags
. Then he strode to the truck they had purchased shortly after arriving in Miracle.

  Edrick was already there holding open the driver’s door with the keys in the ignition. “Good luck,” Edrick said. Then he handed Hudson the phone he’d left behind that morning. “Call if you need anything. We can meet you close by so you won’t have to be gone so long.”

  Grateful to his friend, Hudson gave him a nod and slid behind the wheel. Just as he was about to close the door, Jari ran up to him with another bag. “The breakfast casserole is in there. The baking instructions are inside. And give your mate a hug for me.”

  As touched as he was, another hard tug on his hair had Hudson shutting the door and putting the truck in drive. He didn’t know what was going on, but clearly Kassian needed him.

  The moment he pulled up to Kassian’s house and shut off the truck, he could hear the blood curdling screams. His heart sped up into overdrive as he raced into the house. Fearing the killer had returned and was intent on killing Kassian, Hudson slammed open the door prepared to fight.

  His adrenalin was on overdrive as he scanned the room to find his mate curled up in a ball, just like he had been that morning in the barn. As much as he wanted to go to his mate, Hudson took a few seconds to scan the room again, this time using all his senses to be sure no one was there.

  When he heard Kassian cry out for Mila, he knew without a doubt, his mate was once more reliving the past. Hudson never should have left him that long. It had taken far longer to pull Kassian back to the here and now than it had that morning and Hudson had to admit to being scared he wouldn’t be able to save his mate.

  Refusing to let Kassian stay in the past, Hudson had kissed him, hoping it would be enough to force his mate back to him. Thank God it had worked. But even after a delicious meal and Hudson telling Kassian about some of the antics of his friends, those pretty gray eyes were still haunted.

  Kassian may believe not talking about what happened would be best, but Hudson knew better. He’d excelled at keeping his emotions in a box where he couldn’t access them. But it didn’t work. Not really. For nightmares still kept him awake most nights.

  It was why he’d become a ghost hunter. He’d been sure the spirits of those he’d killed were haunting him. Not all of them, for most were the scum of the earth who had deserved to die. But the ones his old alpha sent him to kill, they were innocents. Their only crime was in disagreeing with their asshole of an alpha.

  When the last of the dishes were put away, Hudson cut them each a piece of pie. He handed one of the plates to Kassian and grabbed two forks along with his own plate. Then he took his mate’s hand and led him back to the living room.

  Once they were cuddled up on the couch in front of the fire, Hudson hoped Kassian wouldn’t kick him out for what he was about to say. “I want you to tell me about your family.”

  CHAPTER 11

  For several minutes Kassian froze at the request. No. Not a request, for Hudson hadn’t asked, he’d demanded. Okay, demand might be an overstatement, but it felt like it. If Kassian could spend the rest of his life without talking about his family again, he would.

  Hell, that’s exactly what he’d been doing for the last seventy-three years. What gave Hudson the right to make such a request?

  “Hey.” Hudson hand reached out and cupped Kassian’s face. He leaned in and for a moment Kassian was sure Hudson planned on kissing him, but instead pressed their foreheads together until all he could see were those piercing blue eyes staring back at him.

  “You don’t have to talk about that day, yet. But I think talking about the good times with them might help.” Hudson’s lips curved in a slightly crooked smile. “Did you know that Mila showed herself to me shortly after we arrived in Miracle?”

  His breath caught in his throat. “You’ve seen my sister? With your eyes?” Kassian would do anything for that chance. The thought of Mila allowing someone else to see her and not him, cut him deep.

  “Not exactly.” Hudson leaned back and took a bite of his pie. His eyes closed as if he were savoring it. “I’m what you might call a ghost hunter. It’s more of a hobby than a job, but I have equipment that is able to read varying temperatures and put them on a screen.”

  When Kassian’s mouth opened in astonishment, Hudson shoved some of the pie on his fork in. Sweet apples coated his taste buds. He gave a moan of pleasure as his eyes closed of their own volition. It was too good not to enjoy the experience fully.

  “Good, right?” Hudson asked.

  Not about to rush swallowing so he could talk, Kassian nodded. He heard Hudson chuckle as well as the scrape of the fork against the plate, most likely another bite for Hudson. But when he opened his eyes, Kassian found the fork right there before his lips. He didn’t hesitate to take the offered bite.

  “Spirits emit a very cold temperature, and I’m able to capture that on the screen.” Not quite sure what a screen was, Kassian wasn’t sure what to say to Hudson’s explanation. “So, in effect, I see them on the screen but it is nothing more than a white image caused by their thermal output.”

  “In other words, Mila didn’t physically appear to you.” It was childish but Kassian hoped he was right. If Mila was going to show herself, he wanted it to be to him.

  “Exactly.” Hudson shoved another forkful of pie in his mouth, finishing off one of the pieces. Then he set it down on the table next to the couch and picked up the other plate.

  He gave Kassian the next bite. It was weird having someone feed him like his mother had when he’d been a toddler. So why was he enjoying it?

  “Mila may not have shown herself, but she did lead me and some of my friends on several merry chases.” Hudson smiled. “Just when we thought she was going to show us something, she’d just disappear. Once, she had taken us to a lake. We thought it meant something and we searched that damn lake for hours but ended up finding nothing.”

  “It was probably Lake Oakley.” Kassian hadn’t thought about that lake in years. “We used to sneak out and go fishing in the summers. It has some of the best trout around.” He chuckled. “My parents would get so mad because Mila would always suggest fishing whenever we were given a list of chores she didn’t want to do.”

  “It sounds like you two were close.”

  Kassian snorted. “That’s an understatement. We’re twins and we did everything together. Although, she was far braver than I ever was, so it was usually Mila who suggested most of the adventures we went on.”

  Hudson put his hand in Kassian’s and gave it a squeeze. Damn if it didn’t feel good, too.

  “What about your parents?” Hudson asked. “Were they strict?”

  He heard something in Hudson’s voice but Kassian couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was. “Nah.” He shook his head and laughed. “Exasperated? Maybe. But they hardly ever punished either us for the scrapes we managed to get into. Although, they did make us do more chores and they were always the ones we hated.”

  The more Kassian talked about his family, the more he found himself smiling. Hudson had been right, talking about the good times helped. “As I got older, whenever I followed Mila on one of her crazy ideas, my father insisted I muck out the stalls.

  “We had two horses to help with the cattle we raised. My father used to say if I was going to do something stupid and make a mess of things, I might as well learn to shovel shit.” God, he missed his dad.

  “Sounds like they both loved you a lot.” There was a wistful tone in Hudson’s voice. But before he could ask about it, Hudson asked, “Don’t you think they would want you to move on with your life? Find happiness?”

  Kassian let out a hard breath. “That’s not fair. You have no idea what happened.”

  “Maybe it’s time you told me.” Hudson tugged on his hand until Kassian was leaning against that hard body safely within Hudson’s embrace. “I know it won’t be easy, but in the end, you just might not feel so alone in this.”

  Kassian was about to refuse when he felt his hair
tugged on, then something cold running along the sting as if saying it would be okay. “Mila,” he whispered.

  Something cold touched his cheek and Kassian knew his sister wanted him to tell Hudson everything. He just wasn’t sure he could. It was just too hard.

  “I’m right here, my little bunny.” Hudson’s reassurance helped. He still didn’t understand why, though.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Kassian tilted his head up to look at Hudson.

  “Anything,” Hudson said as if he were making an oath to Kassian.

  “Whenever you’re around, I feel…well, I guess the best word would be safe. Like nothing bad could ever happen to me so long as you’re here. You said we were mates, is that part of what it means to be mates?”

  “From what I’ve witness as my friends found their mates, feeling safe is a big part of it, but I think trust has more to do with being mated than anything else.” There was a wistfulness in Hudson’s voice, like he really wanted what his friends had.

  Except…he did. Or at least Hudson claimed they did. Since Kassian didn’t have any way of knowing if they were mates or not, he couldn’t be sure if Hudson had been telling the truth. But why would he lie? More importantly, why, when Hudson had told him they were mates, had something clicked inside of Kassian? Like a missing piece of the puzzle was finally found.

  “Not that being mated is easy, or at least it hadn’t been for my friends.” Hudson reached out and brushed back a strand of hair that had been blocking part of Kassian’s eye. “But I think the fact that they had to work to find their happiness only made them stronger as mates.”

  Kassian was unsure what that was supposed to mean. “How do you know we’re mates?”

  Hudson smiled. “That’s easy. When you first smelled me did you notice every cell in your body wanted to get closer, to breath me in until I was a part of you?”