Between the Rage and Grace

by Janna Hill

  “Did you forget something?” Maggie asked the stunned Clara.

  “Huh? What do you mean?” Clara stammered.

  “The doctor asked you to scratch his nose.” Maggie replied without ever changing her tone.

  Clara reached up and scratched the end of the young doctor’s nose.

  “I was just kidding, but thank you. I always wanted to ask a nurse to do that” He smiled. Clara noticed a smile creep across Maggie’s face too when she added,

  “As long as you don’t ask one to scratch you below the belt.”

  “How is she doing?” It was the voice of the paramedic, freshly washed and with a clean uniform on.

  “You guys still here?” Maggie asked.

  “Yeah. Burt’s catching up on some paper work. Crazy, isn’t it?” he asked staring at Linda lying near death on the stretcher.

  Chapter 7

  Linda Latrull

  “Well she’s patched up and stable. Wake me up if you need me.” The doctor stretched and yawned, his breath not nearly as foul as when he arrived.

  “This means we gotta open up the unit.” Maggie said, handing Clara the keys,

  “I’ll get someone in here, mean while you take Linda and go on back to the unit.”

  Clara was dumbfounded by Maggie’s composure.

  “How can you act like that is a stranger laying there – like it doesn’t move you one way or another?” Clara chided.

  “Because I have to” Maggie was glaring at her “and you’d better damn well learn to do the same if you’re gonna survive in this atmosphere.”

  Clara stood shaking her head for a moment but took the keys, raised the side rails and unlocked the wheels of the stretcher.

  “Want some help?’ The paramedic asked.

  “Sure.” Clara replied quickly.

  “By the way, my name is Steve.”

  They didn’t speak as they drove the bed carefully down the quiet corridors with Clara listening for every breath from Linda and thinking how just this morning she was the unit supervisor. What was she now?

  Once the door was unlocked Clara flipped the lights on and instructed the paramedic,

  “Let’s put her in room 6.”

  “That was some fancy work the doc did right there in the ER, pretty impressive huh?” Steve was stating a fact more than asking a question.

  “How did y’all know to find her?” Clara asked.

  “Huh?” Steve grunted.

  Clara rephrased the question, “Who made the call on Linda, how did you know what she’d done? Where to pick her up? Details man, I want details.”

  “Well it was a fluke thing really. Me and my partner were just riding through the park, we seen her car and pulled over to say hi. She didn’t answer so I got out and walked over to her and when I looked down and seen all that blood… well you know the rest.”

  “Did it surprise you?” Clara asked.

  “Hell yeah!” Steve exclaimed. “First I thought she had an internal hemorrhage but when we got her in the ambulance and seen what she had done to herself. I put an IV in while my partner, Burt – that’s my partner, while he drove.

  We didn’t try to stabilize her, just put the pedal to the medal and called Maggie to tell her we were on our way.”

  “Did Maggie know it was Linda? Did you tell her who you were bringing in?” Clara drilled him.

  “Sure. We told her.” Steve replied. “Why?”

  “I was just wondering.” Clara mumbled with her eyes on the floor.

  “Oh hell, Maggie didn’t tell you!” Steve exclaimed, “I’m so sorry Clara.”

  “No big deal.” Clara lied, “But I would like to have been better prepared.”

  “You mean you weren’t prepared?” he asked.

  “I guess I was prepared but the shock of seeing her… finding out it was Linda in the middle of everything was a little difficult.” Clara admitted with a twinge of embarrassment.

  “Could be if you had known it was someone you knew you might get all nervous and prone to mistakes. That’s what happens some time if you’re too close to a case. It’s best to keep an emotional distance.” Steve said putting his hand on Clara’s and with a gentle squeeze added, “Let’s get this lady settled in for the night, shall we?”

  Once Linda was situated and all the necessary apparatuses were attached Steve leaned down, sweeping the light auburn ringlets from her forehead and kissed her.

  “Get better baby, I’ll see you later” He whispered, wiped his eyes and walked away.

  Looking back at Clara he said “I’ve really got to go now, my buddy is waiting. It was nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too.” Clara told him, and watched as he walked out still wiping his eyes.

  Maggie met Steve in the hall outside ICU.

  “Is she upset with me?” Maggie asked.

  “I think she was” he told her, “but it looks like she’ll be okay. Night Maggie.”

  “Good night Steve.”

  Clara stood over Linda wondering what would drive a person to such extremes, what could be so horrible that this seemed like a better alternative. Twelve hours ago who would have guessed? She strained to get a feel for a motive; a reason she could wrap her mind around to make it make sense but none came.

  She heard the dull swish of the door followed by Maggie’s squeaking right tennis shoe approaching her but she didn’t turn around. She could feel Maggie standing behind her.

  “I didn’t tell you it was Linda because I didn’t want you to get anxious and have time to second guess yourself.” Maggie explained then added, “Be mad if you want to but this aint my first rodeo cowgirl.”

  Clara wasn’t mad. She understood Maggie’s intentions, her rationale and she could tell by the voice that Maggie didn’t want her to be upset.

  “I’m not mad at you” she said turning to let Maggie see her sincerity, “I was shocked is all.”

  “Well that crap will get easier too.” Maggie retorted sounding like her old self and tossing a neatly folded white piece of stationary on to the bed in front of Clara,

  “You might want to read this when you get time.”

  Maggie unfolded the paper noting the smell of liquor and the brownish red stains of blood and booze.

  Chapter 8

  The Letter

  I’m tired. This is where I get off

  Good bye from the late

  Linda Latrull, RN

  Clara folded the letter neatly and handed it back to Maggie, still trying to absorb the whole calamity.

  “Do you find it strange that she signed it Linda Latrull, RN? Maggie asked still seeming unaffected.

  “I find the whole darn thing strange.” Clara blurted out, “Why would she do it and who would even think to cut them self like that?”

  “A nurse.” Maggie replied.

  “Well there’s your answer to the signature as well.” After a moment of eerie silence Clara added, “Do you think she’ll wake up?”

  Maggie stared at Clara searching for the right words but she wasn’t good at the soft stuff, she hadn’t been for quiet some time so she answered the only way she knew how,

  “Oh she’ll wake up but what she’ll be when she wakes up remains to be seen. We’ll probably be getting a new boss that much is for sure.”

  Clara walked back to Linda’s bedside and stared down at the ghostly figure that appeared to be in a peaceful sleep. She is only twenty eight years old. Clara thought, though she had assumed Linda was a bit older looking at her now, lying so still, her skin was flawless with no crows’ feet or laugh lines. The pores of her face were so faint that the flesh almost looked like porcelain, a soft smooth mocha colored china. The same was true of her neck and hands. Clara lifted the cold soft hand and placed two fingers to the patient’s wrist. The pulse was strong and steady. She gently laid the hand down and walked to the foot of the bed, using her thumb Clara stroked the sole of the foot. Nothing happened. She repeated the same process on the other foot with the same response
– nothing. Oh Linda what have you done? She heard herself asking.

  “The blood work just came in and it doesn’t look good.” Maggie called out, “Kidneys may be failing.” There weren’t any other patients in the unit but she had a habit of yelling anyway when she thought the patients couldn’t hear her.

  “But it comes as no surprise. She’ll be shipped out as soon as her mother gets her to sign the papers.”

  Annoyed by the loudness and what seemed like a lack of consideration Clara marched over to where Maggie was sitting in front of the monitors.

  “I really wish you wouldn’t yell, it’s unprofessional to say the least!” Clara exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips without thinking.

  “Well why don’t you swell up like an old toad.” Maggie said in an intentionally loud and mocking voice but lowered it as she added “It’s not like she can her me ya know.”

  “No, I don’t know.” Clara argued.

  Maggie shrugged her shoulders and turned her face back to the monitor.

  Clara sat down beside her and started making notes on Linda’s unresponsive status.

  An hour past before either of them spoke.

  “Don’t get your hopes up Clara – that’s all I’m saying. I know you wanna think that Linda is going to wake up and be like hi y’all, that was a good nap.”

  Clara grinned despite her wanting to stay annoyed. “I’m not getting my hopes up but that doesn’t mean I have to give up either, does it?” She asked.

  Maggie thought for a second but didn’t have an honest answer so she just shook her head and forced a smile.

  “I don’t mean to be gossiping or trying to start any gossip Mag but I want to tell you something...” Clara struggled to find a delicate way to bring up the comment that had been troubling her – the one she had over heard Steve whisper to Linda before he left.

  “Oh honey, don’t call me Mag. I don’t do pet names, I don’t like it.” Maggie shot back with another forced smile but Clara could tell by the sharp flash in her eyes that she not only didn’t like being called Mag, it set off a fury inside the foul mouthed debutante.

  “I’m sorry” Clara gushed “I had no idea… I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “For Pete’s sake Clara just spit it out already.” Maggie said, now sitting straight up in the chair with her chest forward and her posture in full defense mode.

  “Steve called Linda baby and he kissed her-”

  Before Clara could finish the hurried sentence Maggie’s laughter interrupted her.

  Now completely relaxed, Maggie was leaned back in the chair, kicking her feet up and laughing hysterically.

  Clara watched her as she threw her head back, held her ribs and literally laughed until she cried. It made Clara feel like the butt of a joke and she had decided the woman had completely lost her mind. When the cackling finally died down to a series of giggles and sighs she informed of her of such.

  “Maggie Turner I believe you are crazy. That’s right!” Clara exclaimed sincerely,

  “I think you have taken leave of your senses. Mad one minute and in the next you’re sitting up in here cackling like a bloody hen at nothing.”

  “Whew.” Maggie blew off the last urge of laughter, stood, looked down at Clara who was still seated [looking a bit bewildered] and with thick southern sarcasm politely replied,

  “Don’t take that scolding tone with me darlin’. Do you think for one itsy bitsy minute that I need you tellin’ lil ole me how crazy I am? Why, I’ve been informed of that dreadful opinion by ones that consider themselves to be much better than you.”

  The air was thick and Clara had never felt so awkward and at a loss for words. She stared up at Maggie who now stood with her arms folded across her chest and grinning. An intimidating grin, not the phony forced smile Clara was familiar with.

  “You’re weird Maggie, really weird.” was all Clara could assemble, turning back pretending to make notes.

  “My lord Clara I know you are not making notes. You have one patient and she is in a damn coma. You have no confrontational skills at all, do you? It’s bad enough you are so naïve but-”

  In an instant the desk chair flew out from under Clara and she was standing inches from Maggie’s face. She could feel the muscles in her jaw lock as she growled through clenched teeth, “I may be naïve as far as you are concerned but don’t ever mistake my kindness for weakness and don’t ever, I mean ever try to bully me… That just might get you an old fashioned backwoods ass whoopin’ southern belle.”

  Unyielding, Clara watched as Maggie backed up but it wasn’t out of fear of her. There was something softer, almost painful in Maggie’s eyes now. Maggie continued her slow steps backwards until she reached the bathroom a few feet away, flipped the light on and locked the door.

  What just happened? Clara asked her self shocked and confused by her own aggressive behavior. Going over the conversation, the happenings that lead up to the bizarre event that had transpired moments ago she could recall almost word for word the entire night and admitted that Maggie got on her nerves, especially with the strange laughing but for her to loose her cool in such a way, that’s what troubled Clara the most.

  She rehashed the mental picture that had flashed through her mind as she stood up to face Maggie. She was hitting her - knocking her down, slamming her head repeatedly against a hard surface until her blonde hair was soaked red with blood and her face was no longer recognizable and then she kicked the unconscious heap for good measure.

  Clara didn’t have it in her nature to hurt people and the violent image shook her up.

  What is wrong with me? Would I have done that? She wondered.

  Some fifteen minutes later Clara heard the lock turn on the bathroom door, straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath.

  “I rarely say I’m sorry Clara.” Maggie said from behind the bathroom door, “But…I am.”

  Clara didn’t know what to say in return still trying to shake off the gory vision of her beating Maggie so she remained soundless.

  “Are you out there?” Maggie asked, “Will you say something, please?”

  “I’m here.” Clara finally replied.

  “Are you mad?” Came another question from behind the bathroom door.

  “No, are you?”

  “”No.” said Maggie

  “Are you scared?” Clara squeaked with tension.

  “Hell no I’m not scared.” Maggie answered boldly and Clara could imagine her crinkling her face and the apprehension dissolved.

  “Then why are you hiding behind the door?”

  “Honestly?” Maggie was speaking just above a whisper now.

  Clara stepped closer to the door and whispered back, “Yes, honestly.”

  “Because I’m ashamed.” Maggie confessed, “I’m ashamed of the way I treated you. I acted like a bully.”

  “I didn’t say you were a bully.”

  “No, you said if I bullied you – and it dawned on me… I was acting like a bully.”

  Maggie was crying. Clara could tell by the sound of her voice, as she leaned closer to listen Maggie turned on the water faucet and cleared her throat.

  “Why are you crying? Clara asked with her lips pressed into the crack of the door.

  “Do you have your mouth against the door?” Maggie asked.

  “Yes I do.” Clara said without moving.

  “That is dirty Clara. Why would you put your mouth on the door?” Maggie’s inquiry had a pitch of disgust.

  “I’ve had it in dirtier place.” Clara said, though she wasn’t sure that was the truth she thought it sounded like a good answer at the time.

  “Speaking of dirty places, so you didn’t know that Linda & Steve were fuck buddies?”

  Maggie’s remark caused Clara to jerk back from the door.

  “Hello? Are you still there?” Maggie called.

  “Oh, you have got to come out of there now!” Clara exclaimed while pushing the door open to find Maggie in front of the mirr
or applying face powder. Her eyes were as puffy as if she’d been crying for hours and the powder done little in the way of hiding her bright pink nose but Clara pretended not to notice.

  “You know what that means, right? Fu-”

  “I know what it means.” Clara said quickly to keep Maggie from repeating the profane reference. “But I had no idea they were in a relationship.”

  “They’re not.” Maggie said while putting the powder back into the deep pocket of her apricot colored scrubs, “That’s why they’re called umm- sex friends.”

  “For how long?” Clara asked.

  “Since she stopped doing it with Dr. Banter.” Maggie answered flipping the light off and stepping out of the lavatory with Clara following in astonishment, she continued.

  “The good doctor had to break it off when his wife found out.”

  “Her and doctor-”

  Maggie didn’t let Clara finish. She was on a mission to bring the green Clara up to speed.

  “Before Dr. Banter she had an affair with Ken in radiology. He was the one after the intern… I think his name was Kevin or Calvin? Anyway, that one wanted to marry her.”

  “Has she ever been married?” Clara asked, interrupting Maggie’s roll.

  “No. But before the intern-”

  “Have you ever been married?” Clara asked, again interrupting Maggie.

  “My gosh Clara! Do you want to hear this story or not? You have got to stop interrupting me!”

  “Okay, but first tell me if you were married or not.” Clara replied.

  Staring at Clara with suspicion and choosing her words carefully Maggie answered in all sincerity,

  “I simply don’t care for the institution of marriage.”

  Maggie hadn’t lied to Clara; she just hadn’t revealed the fact that was a life time ago.

  Chapter 9

  Maggie Turner