Between the Rage and Grace

by Janna Hill

  “You’re a man whore!” She managed to press the words out into his palm before his fingers clamped tighter and squashed her lips and gums together.

  Maggie could taste the raw iron flavor of his hand as her teeth gnawed deeper and deeper. She wished she had thought of that maneuver when the other body part had been forced upon her earlier.

  “You bitch!” he exclaimed.

  Maggie smiled as she watched the bright red drops absorb into the lavish Kahala terry cloth. “That’s what YOU can expect if you ever put anything else in my mouth.”

  Honolulu was every bit as beautiful as they had heard and the Kahala made sure that the newly weds were well taken care of as well as any guests the couple might have. Maggie enjoyed entertaining and didn’t mind at all that a large portion of her trip would be spent wooing the Hawaiian diplomats as well as one Japanese Prime Minister.

  The beautiful suite would hold six guests comfortably and at any given time two would be on the balcony smoking or exchanging secrets in the evening breeze, yet no one ever remarked on the glorious sun sets that captivated Maggie. She wanted to walk beneath the orange and reds on the beach with Ray, to hold hands and marvel at the hues of pinks and purples and on occasion she did so alone.

  “The good senator has scheduled a luau in our honor.” Ray smiled, folding his arm around Maggie but without turning his face from the half drunken Polynesian.

  “I am honored sir, but what has my husband said of such flattery?” Maggie asked hoping the native representative couldn’t see through their façade.

  “He promises me if you feel up to it then he will be honored as well.” He answered.

  Ray had begun making excuses of Maggie not feeling well to distance her from him. She imagined by the time they returned to Louisiana he would have her bed ridden and unable to communicate, after all that was much more civilized than an annulment. She secretly hoped he planned to send her back to Mississippi.

  “Well then a luau it is.” Maggie beamed, “What shall I do to help?”

  “Just show up at 1500 hours, that’s three P.M.” The senator smiled and planted a sloppy wet kiss at the corner of Maggie’s mouth.

  “You could have told him you weren’t up to it.” Ray growled when they were alone.

  “You tell him you’re not up to it Ray. I am fine.”

  Maggie could hear him sighing repeatedly as he undressed though she couldn’t discern his mood. He didn’t seem agitated really. Why do I give a damn? She wondered as she tucked the sheets and fluffed the pillow on the sleeper.

  “How long are you going to sleep on the sofa?” Ray asked in an unusually soft tone.

  “The honeymoon is over, you said so yourself.” Maggie answered.

  “I was upset. Are you going to hold that against me?” he pleaded.

  “Not those words Ray, I’ll get over them but you called me a whore – it’s what you done to me...” Maggie wanted to say more but her throat tightened and the tears began flowing.

  “We’ve got two more weeks here.” Ray said as he sat at the edge of where she laid, “I don’t want to spend it fighting.”

  “We’re not fighting.” Maggie replied, “I thought we had reached an understanding.”

  “But you called me backwoods. Mag I hate that. Why would you taunt me?”

  Maggie turned where he could see her face, “Are you really going to compare that to calling me a whore and shoving your…” again she couldn’t finish the sentence. It was too vulgar to say and too painful to speak about.

  Ray reached to wipe the tears and Maggie threw her hands up in defense.

  “Oh god Mag I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I don’t know what came over me to make me act so savage. I love you so much that the thought of another man touching you makes me crazy. I can’t ask you to forgive me because I can’t forgive myself.” Ray leaned into is palms and wept. His shuddering sobs shook her physically and emotionally as she found her hand resting on his leg.

  “I’ve wanted to fall down and beg your forgiveness everyday but I knew, I didn’t dare to hope you could ever forgive me.”

  Maggie watched the man who had two weeks earlier been filled with such hate and disdain toward her now confessing his love and regrets. It made perfect sense to her now…how he must have felt… being misled and maybe even lied to. He was in pain and she couldn’t bear to seem him hurting this way.

  “I forgive you Ray.” she said pulling him down beside her and spooning herself against his back “Please forgive me as well.” Maggie held the wreck of a man and they both cried their selves to sleep.

  “Walk on the beach with me.” Maggie begged pulling Ray from the sofa.

  Sleepily he rose, “Can we get some coffee first?” he yawned.

  Maggie poured two tall styrofoam cups full of the aromatic stimulant and yanked the tags from the swim suit and cotton shirt she had packed for him. “Put these on and we’ll have our coffee while we walk. Ray promptly obliged his young wife.

  “Isn’t it beautiful?” Maggie asked, kicking the soft blue waves and scampering to retrieve a shell she ran back to Ray. “Look honey. You don’t see `em like this in Biloxi.” She giggled putting the huge conch to her ear. Maggie listened for the swooshing echo but heard nothing. “That’s funny.” She said turning it left and right, examining her find.

  “Let me see it.” Said Ray.

  Just as Maggie stretched out her hand something moved inside the shell. “Is alive!” she squealed and sent the creature flying back into the Pacific Ocean.

  She and Ray were laughing so hard they hadn’t noticed the dark young man hurrying toward them and yelling, “Don’t you know how rare that is? The shell? Dumb Yankees.”

  Maggie was speechless. She didn’t know if she had harmed the creature throwing it in the water, maybe it was a protected species and this native was going to report her?

  “Why did you toss it back dumb Yankee woman?” the man scolded.

  “Wow, hold it right there.” Ray told the man. “I won’t allow you to speak to her like that – do you understand me?”

  The man threw his hands up and turned toward the direction he had come from,

  “Sorry dude but your daughter just threw away a day’s wages for me.”

  “Find another line of work.” Ray yelled at the man’s back.

  Maggie was impressed at the sight of her husband defending her. “Thank you.” She said hugging him close to her.

  Ray was ten years Maggie’s senior and though she had never considered it much of a difference it apparently was.

  “Did you hear him call you my daughter?” Ray asked.

  “Really?” Maggie replied as if she hadn’t heard but looking at Ray in the bright sun he did look older. The bags under his eyes may have been from crying, that and way too much of the Polynesian moonshine. The tip of his nose had a bluish tint with tiny vessels she hadn’t noticed before. Pulling his head toward her face she could see his glistening pink scalp through the thinning hair. “You just need to get a little sunshine.” She said softly kissing his forehead and temples like a doting mother.

  The first two weeks had been wasted but Maggie put that out of her mind.

  The luau was a fabulous success and just what Maggie and Ray needed to end their honeymoon on a happy note. A spectacular feast had been prepared in their honor and they danced on the beach with leis stacked to their chins. The flowery garlands draped over their heads seemed to annoy Ray but he graciously accepted each one. Maggie was thrilled by the colorful gestures of kindness.

  “You look adorable.” Maggie whispered to Ray when a young lady dressed in grass placed the last bright wreath over his head.

  “If you go for a man adorned with plumerias and carnation” he grumbled, “All I need now is a hat made of pansies.”

  Maggie had lost count of how many Blue Hawaiians she had drank but she knew it was one too many. The rum made her head swim and her vision blur as she strained to focus on the locals performing their ritualistic dan
ce around the fire pit she heard her husband announce.

  “We’d like to thank you generous folks for your kind hospitality. Our stay here in your beautiful state will always be fondly remembered. Now if you will excuse us, my wife is exhausted and I must see her to our abode. Again, we thank you.”

  Ray had made his speech, nodded to the quiet applause and swept Maggie into his arms to make an exit grand enough for a theatre audience.

  “But I wanted to see the dance,” Maggie protested, laying her head on his chest.

  “No Ma’am. You’ve had enough.” He replied.

  “Do you love me Ray?” she asked with a drunken slur.

  “You know I do Mag.” He replied, a little out of breath now wading through the sand.

  True the first two weeks were hell but the last two had been a spectacular dream on the paradise island and Maggie didn’t want to wake up.

  Chapter 11

  Maggie’s Loss

  “Are you gonna sleep all day Miss Lafont? Best try to git up a bit.”

  It was the voice of Tallulah rousing the exhausted Maggie.

  “Ima open these shades now missy, better make yo eyes ready.”

  Maggie pulled the Egyptian cotton over her face and murmured, “Thank you Tallulah.”

  “Mr. Ray’s comin in today. He’s gonna be here in time for supper, you gonna tell him?”

  “Yes Tallulah, I am going to tell him.”

  “Is you feelin sick this mornin’? I can fetch you some dry toast and warm tea. That was always a help to me and to Mr. Ray’s mama too.”

  “Yes Tallulah please. That would be nice.”

  When Maggie heard the door shut she scrambled to the restroom, turned the cold water on and splashed her face repeatedly. The wave of nausea subsided and she raised her head to inspect the figure before her. She hardly recognized the drawn pale person in the mirror.

  They had returned from Hawaii three months ago and it seemed she had been ill since the last night of their honeymoon when Ray carried her from the beach.

  Maggie barely recalled the long flight home and had blamed it on the rum but there was something wrong and she knew it.

  She had planned to redecorate the beautiful old plantation house given to them by Ray’s father. It had been in the family for close to two hundred years. There wasn’t much Maggie wanted to change about the historical mansion, just a few personal touches to make it their own.

  Mrs. Turner had kept her word and came to visit at least once a week, usually staying for several days though Maggie hardly noticed with most of her days spent between the bed and the bathroom of the apartment sized boudoir.

  Unable to keep much of anything on her stomach Maggie wasn’t surprised when she noticed her collar bones protruding like bowed timber at the base of her boney neck. Lifting her gown she could visualize the distinct outline of every rib then letting her eyes drop she observed the only thing that wasn’t sunk in was her abdomen which looked like a basketball had been shoved under her flesh. her emaciated frame convulsed and green bile splashed against the white marble sink.Ohhh god she moaned as

  “Awe honey child!” Tallulah cried rushing to Maggie’s side. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

  “I’m sorry Tallulah I’ve made another mess.”

  “Don’t you worry bout that none. That’s what I’m here for.”

  Tallulah helped Maggie back to bed and softly washed her face then held the cup steady while Maggie sipped the chamomile tea.

  Tallulah was a thick framed black woman that reminded Maggie of Aunt Jamima though she never said it out loud for fear of offending the angelic nurturer.

  “You have gots to tell Mr. Ray Miss Maggie! You shoulda done told him a month ago. You done let this go too long, way too long.”

  “There is nothing to tell Ray Tallulah that he doesn’t already know. You know how he feels – how we feel about this. Now please-”

  Without warning tea colored liquid spewed across the fine linens.

  “He don’t know the doctor said be shed of this or it’s gonna kill ya. It caint be he knows and let you lay up here wastin away.” The old nurse insisted, talking while she put a fresh damp cloth to Maggie’s neck and replaced the soiled sheet, “Mr. Ray is gone all the time, he don’t see what I see and when he calls you makes like ever little thang is fine.”

  “Nature will take its course.” Maggie argued.

  “That it will.” Tallulah agreed, “And maybe yo life in the doin. Y’all can make another baby ma’am.” Tallulah paused to weigh her words and put her hands on Maggie’s gaunt ashen face, “They is something bad wrong with this one precious. I seen thangs like this here before. If ‘n it lives and you die-”

  “I want to sleep now.” Maggie told her to put an end to the conversation.

  Tallulah didn’t press the matter and Maggie sunk back beneath the cotton sheets.

  It wasn’t as if Maggie had any control over it. If she did the life sucking parasite would have been expelled months ago.You better take care of yourself and make sure this baby gets born healthy, do you hear me young lady? The words of her mother ran through Maggie’s mind.

  Maggie had just dozed off it seemed when the rumbling started in her gut.

  It wasn’t the usual churning she was familiar with and there was no nausea accompanying it. She lay still waiting for it… a flutter followed by a tiny thump.

  Putting her hand to her belly she felt it again. Its kicking! Maggie stretched out on the bed and exposed her naked stomach to watch and when the flutter started again she could see a slight rise in the protrusion on her withered frame. “Hello in there.” She said quietly.

  It seemed to respond to her voice so she spoke again. “I’m gonna be your mother little man.” The communication went on for about ten minutes and when Maggie felt the thumps diminish she whispered, “You go on back to sleep now, it’s okay. Mama loves you.”

  A single tear of relief tickled the corner of her nose and she rang for Tallulah to bring her a full Sunday breakfast.

  Tallulah entered a half hour later with a huge smile and a tray loaded with soft scrambled eggs, bacon, French toast, grits and juice.

  “I never seen you look so good Miss Maggie.” She laughed as the starving mother to be inhaled the platter of food and kept it down. “May be you gonna be alright. You and the young un may hap.”

  Maggie consumed every morsel the maid had brought her. After showering she realized her endurance was not yet up to par and returned to bed for the best sleep she had had in months. Two hours later Maggie awoke feeling strong enough to take a walk and summoned Tallulah.

  “Would you like to take a walk with me Tallulah?” she enquired.

  “Not looking like you look.” The lady laughed, “`Spose I comb them rats outta yo hair first.” Tallulah seated Maggie out on the balcony. “You sit right here while I get you a brush and lay out somethun nice for you to wear. You done got so po aint likely nuthin’l fitcha but we’ll make do.”

  Tallulah chose a light yellow poly blend dress from the wardrobe, laid it on the settee and shoved a brush into her apron pocket. Before stepping back out onto the terrace she made the bed and turned down the covers.

  “Here we go Miss Maggie.” She said turning the patient so her back was to her,

  “Lawd child yo head is nappy!”

  Maggie didn’t bother remarking on the comment. She knew she looked a fright in her current condition.

  “How long have you known the Lafont family?” Maggie asked as Tallulah stood behind her on the sun drenched veranda brushing out a mat of blond tangles.

  “All my life.” Tallulah answered, “My Mama was maid to Mr. Ray’s Mama.”

  “Really?” Maggie asked in surprise.

  “Sho nuff and her Mama was employed here fo her. See my peoples was once owned by the Lafont’s.” Tallulah stated matter of factly with what sounded like pride to Maggie.

  “Why on earth would you stay after the abolition – well I mean why would th
ey? Didn’t they know they could leave? Did anyone ever say?” Maggie asked, thoroughly intrigued by the information.

  “Yessum, my mother told me what was told her that they was no cause to leave. Said the Lafont’s made sure they had money, land and educated um too. Said they always gave um Sunday off and Saturday if need be. Wuddint no beatin and rapin goin on here like in tha other parts I heard tell of. I b’lieve her too cause they paid all three o my sons through college – called it my bonus. I couldn’t a got that no where else.”

  “No ma’am I don’t believe you could have. So you’re fond of the family?” Maggie asked.

  “Love um like they’s my own. I got one son is a doctor thanks to Mr. Ray’s daddy”

  Tallulah beamed with pride and added, “The other two boys is teachers. Good teachers too.”

  “I bet they are. You must be so proud of them Tallulah– all three of them.”

  “I am Miss Maggie, I really am.”

  “So tell me about Ray when he was a little boy.” Maggie urged.

  “What’s be you wanna know?” Tallulah asked admiring and grooming the now smooth golden tresses of hair.

  “Everything.”

  The first memory that came to her of the young Lafont conjured pictures of the puppy he’d found in an old grain silo. Tallulah couldn’t bring herself to tell the ailing lady of how her husband hand broken the legs of the tiny orphan cur at every joint and tied its muzzle so it couldn’t cry out.

  Maggie abruptly slouched forward grabbing her waist.

  “What’ a matter Misss. Maggie?”

  “I’m not sure.” She said straining to speak through the debilitating cramp, “Can we go in now?”

  “Yessum. What’s wrong? You hurtin?”

  Maggie nodded her head and tried to stand but found that her legs would not support her.

  “Let me help you.” Tallulah said attempting to lift Maggie to her feet.

  “Oh lawdy lawd child, better let me carry you.” She said quickly as she swept Maggie up and carried her like a baby back into the bedroom laying her gently on the bed.