Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Ryan shrugs. “No one has ever said that.”

  “Girls don’t tell you that you’re hot?”

  “No, definitely not.”

  “That’s such a shame.”

  Ryan looks away from me and I don’t like it. I get up and move to his chaise. I sit toward the middle, where his knees are bent. With my legs under me, I lean toward him so that we’re touching. He doesn’t pull away or shift so we aren’t touching. But he’s still not looking at me.

  “I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I just call things like I see it.”

  Ryan shakes his head and stalls briefly before turning back to me. His eyes are focused and in control of my beating heart. How can one person make me feel this way after only knowing him for such a short time?

  “You have a very nice voice. I like listening to you.”

  “I’ll take that compliment any day, especially if it’s coming from you.” I expect Ryan to look away, but he doesn’t. He holds my gaze, driving home the fact that I’m already in too deep. There is no backing away from this.

  For a moment I can see myself leaning in, him meeting me half way. Just a small touch of the lips, enough to quench my desire, is all I need. I imagine him pushing his hands into my hair, capturing me with soft lips.

  I can hear muffled sounds, his lips are moving, but I can’t make out the words. I clear my head of the lust-filled images. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

  “I said, do you like what you do?”

  “Oh yeah, I do actually. Performing has always been a passion for me. I started in county fairs when I was about twelve and got noticed when I was fifteen. What about you, what’s your passion?”

  “To leave Brookfield,” he says with such sadness it makes me wonder why he’d want to leave.

  “How long have you lived there?”

  “All my life,” he says. His fingers go back to pulling on his shorts. For the first time I get a good look at him. His shorts aren’t new and the edges are frayed. He wears generic sneakers that look old. His black dress shirt is the only thing that looks new.

  “Why don’t you like it?”

  Ryan adjusts so he’s sitting up a bit more, but doesn’t move his leg from touching my arm. I like that he made sure we were still touching. “What’s to like? The town is divided. Half is these upper-class mansions and the other half is industrial with a working mill and small clapboard homes that were built to house the millworkers.”

  Without even asking I know that is where Ryan lives and, while that would matter in my group of friends (Alex not included), it doesn’t matter to me. If he lived under a bridge I’d still want to know him.

  “So what do you want to do when you graduate?”

  “I’m going to leave. Get on a bus and not look back. I want my life to be different from my parents’. My dad, he expects me to start at the mill when I finish school and work my way into becoming the fourth-generation Stone crowned foreman, but that’s not me.” Ryan gets up and moves over to the wall, peering over the side. I spin so that my eyes are on him, afraid to miss a moment.

  “I want to live in a place that is loud and busy. Somewhere where I can walk down the street at night and not need a flash light.”

  “Like New York City?” I ask, hoping the answer is yes.

  “Exactly like New York City or Las Vegas. Any place as long as the town never sleeps. I get so tired of listening to the cicadas and the coyotes in the middle of the night. I want to hear horns honking and people yelling.”

  “That can be annoying too,” I add. Even though I love the city and wouldn’t want to live any place else, there is something to say for the solitude of a small town.

  Ryan turns and looks at me, his arms resting on the wall. If I was brave, I’d stand and walk up to him and live out one of the many fantasies I’ve started to have about him, but I’m not there yet. Ryan pushes off the wall and comes back over to the chaise we’ve been sharing, albeit for a few brief minutes. He sits, his legs touching mine. He places his hand down on the cushion, centimeters from my bare leg and looks at me.

  “I’ve never met someone famous before. Why are you spending the night out here with me when you could be inside with your fans?”

  CHAPTER 7

  Ryan

  I don’t know where this small bit of confidence came from, but watching her sit there, the way the moonlight is shining off of her, makes me want to be next to her. Never have I had the notion to sit this close to a girl. No, that’s not right, Hadley is anything but a girl. She’s a woman and she wants to talk to me. For the life of me I can’t fathom why.

  Someone like Hadley Carter can have anyone she wants. She’s having this after-party and yet she’s out here on her balcony keeping someone like me company. For all I know she’s taking pity on me because I was alone and about to leave. I suppose leaving her party would’ve made her look like a fool.

  I’m close to her, so close that I can touch her if I wanted. I could move my fingers slightly and let her skin light mine on fire. I want to ask her what it feels like for her when we touch because for me it’s as if her skin is full of electricity and my body wants to know what it’s like to be touched by her repeatedly.

  Hadley shifts, her knee brushing lightly against my fingers. I don’t move, afraid that she’ll notice. There is a light tingling sensation coursing from her to me. I look down, briefly. She moves closer.

  “I shouldn’t tell you this since we just met, but when I saw you across the room I knew I had to know you.”

  “Is that a line you use to pick up people?” I blurt this out without thinking. Talking to a beautiful woman is all new to me. I know I’ve offended her when she pulls away from me, making sure we are no longer touching. Hadley adjusts herself so she’s turned away from me. I can no longer see her soulful brown eyes, just her golden hair, which is pulled tight into a ponytail.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, hoping to diffuse the situation. Normally my response would be to clam up and ignore the person next to me. Find something to tinker with or just look away. But with Hadley, for some reason I hate knowing that I’ve upset her and I don’t even know her. It’s not like I’ll see her after tonight.

  “It’s okay. I’m sure that is what a lot of people think of celebrities.” She turns back, gracing me once again with her beauty. “But no, Ryan, it wasn’t a line. I don’t show emotion because a lot of people want to take advantage of that weakness. I’ve never done a lot of the things I’ve done tonight.”

  “Like what?” I’m asking purely out of curiosity.

  “Like throw a party so I could get to know someone.” Hadley adjusts so her leg is touching my fingers again. They twitch when her skin touches mine. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything. I swallow hard.

  “Is that what you did tonight?”

  Hadley nods, leaning closer. “I wanted to talk to you away from everyone else. Earlier, you were in the corner and we were pressed for time, so I decided to have this party. The only problem is I only wanted to invite you, but that would’ve looked awkward. Would you have come?”

  “No.” I shake my head.

  “Why not?”

  I run my hand through the back of my hair. I’m not really sure how to answer her without hurting her feelings. “I came here with Dylan.” This is the answer I give her, which is apparently the wrong one because we’re no longer touching.

  “I didn’t realize Dylan was your girlfriend. I thought she said she was your friend.”

  I move closer, determined to keep touching her. “She’s my best friend, but we aren’t dating or anything like that. I don’t have a girlfriend, never have.”

  I wish I hadn’t said that because the look on her face is definitely one of pity. Her eyes study me, likely curious as to why I would say something stupid like that. I turn away, only to have her fingertips pull my chin toward her. I should’ve told her that I haven’t found anyone interesting enough to spend time with aside from Dylan and she’s the only one becau
se she made the effort. The rest of the girls just look at you, wondering if you’re going to be the one that they end up with after a prom night mishap.

  “I don’t care that you’ve never had a girlfriend.”

  I have to turn away so she doesn’t see me blush. She laughs quietly, which in turn makes me laugh. For having just met her, I’m feeling like I’ve known her for years.

  “Are you a good boy, Ryan, or is there a bit of bad boy hiding in there?”

  This question takes me by surprise and I play with the hem of my shorts thinking about how I’m going to answer. I look at her and try not to smile, but have a feeling I’m failing terribly.

  “I’m a good boy. I do as I’m told.”

  “Good boys are nice.” I think she’s flirting with me, but I’m not sure. But the way her voice changed when she said that makes me think that she is. I wish I wasn’t so lost when it comes to girls.

  Nice? I hope she’s not one of those girls who allow the men in her life to treat her like crap. I see the way my dad treats my mom and that’s not something I’d ever want to do.

  “But there is something definitely appealing when that nice boy brings out the bad that he has buried deep inside.”

  I nod and make a note of what appeals to girls if I’m ever faced with a decision on whether to be good or bad.

  “Tell me, what would a dream date be like for you, staying at home or on the beach?”

  I rub my hands over my shorts, wiping away the sweat. “Beach, definitely the beach. I try not to spend a lot of time at home. Can I ask you a question?”

  “Yes.” She says this with a smile like this is the best thing she’s ever done.

  “Do you like guys who dress casual or preppy?”

  “I like both. Casual is nice because it shows their relaxed side, but there’s something sexy about a guy who dresses up.” I’m curious if she likes how I dress. I’m neither casual nor smart. I’m a hand-me-down kid who can’t afford to buy jeans at a discount store. I can’t even believe she’s talking to me. Can’t she see I’m nothing?

  “Okay, my turn. Do you prefer girls in sweats or dresses?”

  I look at her and her long legs and know the answer. “Dresses. I like legs. I mean, if you have legs you should show them off, especially if they’re like yours. Not that I’m constantly looking at your legs. Okay, I’ll shut up now.” I can’t believe I actually said that out loud and want to internally hit myself for my inability to control my verbal filter. I turn away from her so she doesn’t see the embarrassment showing all over my face. Dylan has always said that I turn a lovely girly shade of pink when I say something stupid.

  Hadley reaches out, her fingers caressing my chin. She turns my chin toward her. Her eyes are smiling, if that’s even possible. “It’s your turn to ask a question.”

  I swallow and hate that she’s let go of my face. “Do you prefer singing songs or writing them?”

  “I prefer singing. I’m not very good at writing down how I’m feeling, so singing is much easier for me.”

  I wouldn’t have thought that about her. She seems pretty expressive. I could probably write a song about how I’m feeling. I’d have to title it ‘Confused, Lost and Freaking the Hell Out’ because I have this gorgeous girl sitting next to me and talking to me and not because she has to, but because she wants to.

  “Do you like girls with long or short hair?”

  I look at her and know my answer is based on what I’m looking at. “Definitely long, but without all that crap that girls put in it, ya know? I think I like the loose and natural look.”

  Hadley runs her hand through her hair and for the first time ever, I want to reach out and touch someone’s hair. I can feel my hand twitching and it takes all I have in me to stop it in fear of rejection. I need a distraction so I decide to ask her about her career.

  “If you weren’t a famous singer, what would you be?”

  Hadley thinks about this for a long time before answering and I use this time to study her. How she scrunches her nose while she contemplates her answer, how her fingers delicately play with the chain she has around her neck and how I really like the look of her perfectly formed lips. I can’t stop looking at them as she starts to answer.

  “Oh wow. I’m not sure. I’ve been performing for so long I don’t think I had the aspirations others did, but maybe a teacher like my mom.”

  “You’d be a good teacher.”

  “Why do you say that?” she’s giggling when she says this. I like that I’ve made her laugh.

  “Because you’ve already taught me a few things like how to find out what girls like and how to talk a bit more.”

  Hadley’s smile turns serious. She leans forward, her eyes traveling from mine to my mouth and back. This is about to be my first kiss and all I can think is that I should be the one making the first move. I lean forward, hoping to meet her half way. A throat clears behind us, she turns and I save myself from my face hitting her shoulder.

  The server is standing there with a plate of food and drinks. It’s amazing how they just know the right time to interrupt something that maybe shouldn’t happen even though I wanted it.

  The party in Hadley’s suite has quieted down, but neither of us wants to see what they were all up to. Each time the door opens I fear it's Dylan coming to take me away. I know I shouldn’t feel like that, but I’m having fun. Okay, not fun, but I like that I’m able to sit out here and learn. Hadley isn’t judging me like the other girls in school do. She isn’t giving me sideways glances or snubbing her nose at me. Last year I tried to talk to this girl, Jenna, but she wouldn’t give me the time of day. I heard her tell some of our classmates that she didn’t date beneath her. I knew what it meant and it hurt. Dylan tells me I’m good-looking, but I guess sometimes that’s not enough.

  Until now.

  I yawn and stretch my arms up over my head. Hadley takes this opportunity to poke me in the stomach. I grab her hand quickly and her fingers lace with mine like it’s the most natural thing to do. I look down at our conjoined hands and realize that I don’t want to let go.

  “Are you tired?”

  “I am,” she replies. “But I don’t want this night to end. I’m not sure what the morning will bring.”

  I pick up her phone and look at the time. It’s about three in the morning. The sun is going to be coming up soon. I’m curious as to why Dylan never came out here to get me. Did she even know I was gone?

  “I can leave you if you want to go to sleep.” I offer this solution, praying she’ll say no.

  “No, but I have an idea.” If her idea is letting go of my hand, I’m not a fan. She stands quickly and walks to the back of the chaise lounge and pulls the top portion down until it’s reclined. She’s back before I can comprehend what is going on. She’s kneeling in front of me, before she sits down. She pulls her dress down as far as it will go. I wonder if she’s cold and wish I could offer her a jacket, but I just have on my dress shirt.

  I watch as she lays down, her eyes on me the whole time. She’s on her side, on the edge, leaving space for me. I unbutton my shirt and pull it off, thankful that I’m wearing a t-shirt underneath. I lay it across her legs before turning on my side to lie next to her. She immediately pulls my hand into hers and sets them between us.

  “The sun is almost up.”

  “That means the night is almost over and I’m definitely not ready.”

  “Me neither,” I say. “Can I try something?”

  “Sure.”

  I sit up slightly and pull her up a bit with me. I slip my arm under her head and she falls into the curve of my elbow. I lie back down and pull her closer until her head is resting on my shoulder. For the first time I’m holding a girl in my arms. Something I’ve only dreamed of.

  “Is this okay?” I only ask for confirmation. She seems very comfortable with me holding her like this. I know I like it, I just hope she does too. I dread the sun coming up because that means everything ends. At least right no
w I feel like I’m someone special with her.

  “This is perfect,” she says, wrapping her arm around my waist. I set my head on top of hers and hold on for this emotional ride I’m about take myself on. I already know I’m going to miss her tomorrow when I have to face reality.

  I fight the urge to close my eyes, but it’s a losing battle. I want to prolong this night because I know that when the sun rises, it’s all over and tonight has been one of the best nights of my life. She’s going to go on to her superstar life and I’ll return to the dirt road and house that I share with my parents. School will start and I’ll just be another body in the cesspool of high school. Back to wearing clothes from the second-hand store and eating lunch at a table in the corner.

  Hadley will return the stage and find herself a man that is capable of and deserving of being seen with her. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I can’t help it. What if… what if I was Hadley’s boyfriend? Images of us standing side by side while she gets her photos taken flood my mind. They call her name and she looks only at me while flashes of white light go off repeatedly.

  Her image quickly changes to dust as realization slaps me in the face. I can never be that guy on her arm. She’d be embarrassed by me. She needs someone who can complement her in every way and that is just something I can’t do.

  Tonight is a fantasy. Something everyone dreams about, but only few can enjoy. No one will ever believe me. Not that I have anyone to tell. Dylan probably knows, but she won’t say anything. Or maybe she will. For all I know she could be jealous that I’ve spent all this time outside with Hadley while she’s been stuck inside. It didn’t escape my attention that only the server came out here. No other fans or her best friend.

  I rest my head upon her and breathe in her scent. I don’t know what perfume she’s wearing and I can’t describe what I smell. I’ve never been this close to a girl to learn all the things I should know about them. Seventeen years old and I’ve never been kissed. You’d think that is something a girl would say, but sadly that is my life. Having Hadley in my arms is surreal. I close my eyes and think about what it would be like to do this every night.