Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  CHAPTER 8

  Hadley

  I have never felt so warm before in my life. The early summer heat is flickering down on my arms and my back. I open my eyes carefully so the sun doesn’t blind me. I’m met with a white shirt as it stares back at me. My eyes trail up, squinting as the sun becomes brighter. I slowly emerge from his cocoon. He looks peaceful and content.

  I would’ve never imagined him as the man he portrayed himself to be last night, especially when he took off his shirt and used it as a blanket to keep me warm. No one has ever done something like that for me. And he did it after only knowing me for a few hours.

  Looking at Ryan, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need him in my life. I definitely want to spend time with him because last night was not enough. I’m not sure how to make that happen, but I will. Ian is going to flip. The age difference alone is enough to cause issues, but I don’t care. Ian is going to have to accept that Ryan is my friend… for now.

  I shift closer hoping to remember what his body feels like against mine. He sleeps so softly as if he doesn’t have a care in the world, but I know that’s not true. He has dreams, even if it’s just to move to a city, they are still dreams he should follow. My hand inches higher up his back and I wonder at what point in the past few hours did my hand move under his shirt and if he minded. I know that I don’t. Feeling his soft skin and the outline of his shoulders against my fingertips drives my thoughts to places they shouldn’t go. He whimpers softly and I remove my hand, not wanting to wake him. I’m enjoying the calmness that he’s sharing with me.

  My hand doesn’t stay still for long as I find his hair. It’s a bit shaggy, the in-style right now with teens. He at least has that going for him, aside from the fact that he’s gorgeous and makes my heart flutter every other second. My fingers push through his mane, massaging his scalp. He adjusts, leaning somewhat into my hand. I feel his body relax as he tries to move closer to me. His hand grips my hip tightly. I realize that this is turning him on. I know I should stop, but I can’t. Knowing I can do this to him, for him, encourages me.

  Has anyone ever done this for him? It’s a question plaguing my mind, but also one I don’t want to know the answer to. I know he said he hasn’t had a girlfriend, but what about a fling or a hook-up? I want to be the one who fulfills every fantasy that he has. Ryan buries his head into the crook of my neck, his nose skimming along until he’s rested by my ear. If I had any reservation about him, it’s gone. I thought he’d wake up and wonder where he is, but he knows. I have to fight the urge to take over, to guide him. I know nothing can happen. I have to remind myself over and over again. It has to become my mantra.

  “Can I try something?” he whispers, clearly awake and aware of what I’ve been doing. I nod, unable to find my voice. I don’t know what he’s going to try, but I’m eager and afraid all at once to find out.

  His lips touch just below my ear in the softest of kisses. He does it again and this time his fingers spread over my back, holding me to him. I know I should stop him. My mind is yelling for me to put on the brakes, but my heart is screaming for me to turn just slightly so that when his lips touch me again they will be pressed against mine in what’s surely going to be the most sinful kiss I’ll ever experience.

  I do as my heart commands, turning slightly. When his lips touch mine, he pulls back. His eyes are questioning me. I offer only the smallest of smiles and nod, hoping he understands that he can continue. That I want – no, I need – him to continue. I won’t be able to make the first move, but I can’t resist him if he does.

  Ryan’s kiss is soft and hesitant. He’s unsure of himself. As much as I want to take over, I don’t. I want to learn with him as he explores. He’s shaking, his nerves trying to get the best him. He kisses me once, twice, before pulling back. His eyes shine in the early morning sun as he stares at me. No words, but I can see the emotion written across his face. My fingers leave his hair and trail down his face, along the scruff of his cheek.

  “Was that okay?” he asks shyly.

  “Yeah, it was.”

  “Can I kiss you again?”

  Ryan doesn’t wait for me to answer, not that he needed to, my eyes and body are telling him yes even though my head is screaming no, but the moment his lips touch mine again my brain shuts up. I could get lost in him with these delicate caresses. He’s not intrusive or needy, nor is he slamming his tongue into my mouth and demanding attention.

  His large hand cups my face, holding it to his as his lips work over mine. I need to feel more, but I don’t dare break him of his trance. A throat clears behind me. He drops his hand suddenly and moves as far away as he can get from me. The chaise is still holding him close enough that I can feel his body heat, although I can tell that he’d rather be across the room from me than get caught kissing and I don’t blame him, but for other reasons. I’m sad and extremely disappointed that we were interrupted.

  I turn and find Alex standing just far enough way. I sit up and adjust the top of my dress and pat down my hair. I don’t even want to know what I look like right now.

  “Good morning.” My voice is hoarse and tired from singing last night. My usual home remedy of hot honey tea did not happen, but I wouldn't change anything that happened in its place.

  “Thought you’d like to know that breakfast is here and that Dylan is looking for you, Ryan.”

  I sneak a glance at Ryan. He’s a statue. I need to talk to him, tell him that I want to see him again, tonight, tomorrow and all the time in between.

  “We’ll be in soon.”

  I wait until Alex is behind closed doors. Once the door is shut, Ryan is off the chaise. He picks up his shirt and puts it on hastily. His fingers fumble with the buttons. I can’t stand watching him like this. I stand up and wrap my hands around his. He stills, his head hanging low. I so want to look into his beautiful eyes, but he’s not looking at me.

  I push each button into their respective slots; stalling the closer I get to his chest.

  “Ryan, please look at me,” I all but beg.

  His head rises slightly. There is torment in his eyes. I rise up and kiss him softly. His hand finds purchase on my hip and pulls me closer. My hands, flat on his chest, move to his neck and then the back of his hair. He pulls away first, releasing his hold on me, much to my dismay.

  “I sh-should go.”

  “Can I say something first?”

  Ryan’s hand finds the back of his head. He rubs his hair, pulling most forward. “You don’t have to say anything.”

  “Yes, I do.” I step forward, hoping he won’t step back. He looks at me briefly before looking at the door leading to the hotel room. “I’m just going to cut to the chase. I want to see you again before I leave.”

  Ryan’s eyes are sharp when he looks at me. There’s a hint of a smile forming, but he’s fighting it. “You do?”

  “I do.” I step even closer so that we are touching. His knees are touching my thighs, our hands brushing against each other. “I’m not ready for you to leave, but I know you have to.”

  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

  “Tell me you’ll come back tonight and stay with me.” I’m asking for trouble, I know this.

  “I’d be stupid to tell you no because I want to see you, but I’m just me and you’re you. You can have anyone you want.”

  He’s right, I can and have, but it’s always the same. I want something different, real. Ryan can offer me so much more than any of the other guys interested in me. He can bring me serenity when I need it with just his touch.

  “I have a charity ball tonight. Will you accompany me?”

  Ryan shakes his head adamantly. “I can’t afford clothes like that, Hadley.”

  I have to tread lightly because I know this is a sensitive subject. “Because I’m asking on short notice, I’ll have a tux sent up. I’m not asking because I need a date, I’m asking because I need to spend more time with you.”

  Ryan looks around as he shu
ffles his feet. He looks at the ground before setting his eyes back on mine. “Dylan is my transportation. I can’t offer her gas money. I’m sorry, I really am, but I’m not the guy who can just spend money like you’re used to. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I mean… we spent the night together and I kissed you and it felt like the best thing ever and now you’re asking me to come back. I’m confused.”

  Ryan’s little monologue takes me by surprise. I didn’t think he’d question everything at once and I’m not sure I’m ready to tell him exactly what’s going on in my head. Maybe after tonight, after he’s held me on the dance floor.

  “I’ll send a car or I’ll pick you up—“

  “You think I want you to see where I live? No thanks.” Ryan starts to walk away. I run and jump in front of him.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan. I don’t have the right answer except I need to see you tonight. I’m just asking for one more night.”

  CHAPTER 9

  Ryan

  Silence.

  Completely uncomfortable and awkward silence as Dylan speeds down the highway. Her posture is rigid, nothing like her usual self. The music is off and for the first time I wish we were listening to it. I’ve taken to looking out the window since she’s not talking or even singing.

  She hasn’t said much. She doesn’t need to. Her eyes said it all when she saw Hadley and I walk in from outside. If I didn’t know better I’d think that I hurt her, but I don’t know how that could be. I didn’t approach Hadley or even want to come to the concert.

  Although I’m glad I did.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket. I hesitate for a moment before pulling it out. My movements catch Dylan’s attention. I see her look at me out of the corner of her eye. I flip it open and look at the message from Hadley. I can’t help but smile at the heart she added at the end of her text.

  “Is she going to pay your phone bill?” Dylan asks in a very sarcastic tone.

  I shut my phone without replying. “Are you talking to me now?”

  Dylan shrugs. She maneuvers her car to our exit and makes a turn taking us away from Brookfield.

  “Where are we going?”

  “To talk.”

  “We’ve had two hours to talk.” I look behind me and shake my head. “You want to talk now that we’re five minutes from home?”

  She doesn’t answer me, just keeps driving until she reaches the old abandoned high school. The one our parents graduated from years ago before our new state-of-the-art school was built on the hill overlooking the town.

  Dylan shuts off her car and rests against the headrest. Her eyes are closed, but her lips are moving. I can’t tell if she’s talking to herself or singing whatever song is playing in her head. Either way, she’s not talking to me.

  I open the door and get out. She says something, but I slam the door and start walking. I’ll walk home from here. Anything to get away from whatever she has going on in her head. When I hear her door open I walk a bit faster.

  “Where are you going?” she yells. The gravel behind me crunches. She’s coming after me. We’ve never fought before and I’m honestly not sure how to handle her when she’s quiet like this.

  “Home, Dylan.” I say, turning around to face her. She stops short, putting her hands on her hips. She doesn’t look at me, but past me, toward the road.

  “I just… I’m just trying to process everything. It’s…you ran off with Hadley Carter last night. I sat up waiting for you and you never made it to the room. At first I thought you got lost so I went back up and her friend, Alex, said you guys were still talking. Who talks all night long?”

  “I guess we do.” I shrug and stuff my hands into my pockets. I feel my phone resting there. I’m almost desperate to pull it out and see if she’s texted me again. I told her more secrets in one night than I’ve told Dylan and I’ve known her for years. But with Hadley things just feel differently, like I’m supposed to know her.

  When she asked for my number I didn’t tell her it was a prepaid phone. I told myself that I’ll pick up an extra shift or mow some more lawns to keep my phone stocked with minutes. I’ll do whatever I can to talk to her, even if it’s just once a week.

  “That’s the thing. When you walked in, her hair was a mess. It looked like... you and her…” Dylan looks away, maybe she’s embarrassed. “Did you do something with her?”

  My gaze had been on Dylan until now. I look away, not sure how I want to answer that question. It’s really none of her business. I definitely don’t ask her what she does with guys so why should I tell her about me and Hadley? Hell, I can’t even believe most of it happened. But I definitely know I kissed her first. I made that move and she didn’t turn me down or away. She accepted it and wanted more.

  “You’re avoiding my question.”

  “No, I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

  Dylan steps closer, her hands balled into fists. I know I’m missing something. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s called me dense or dumb. All boys are dumb, she says. Her eyes are searching for a sign, anything to tell her what she wants to know. The only problem is that I don’t know girls. I don’t understand the facial expression or the dramatic sighs they let out every other minute. It’s not like I can ask my dad; he just pushes a book in front of me and tells me the answer is in there… somewhere.

  “I didn’t realize you even knew who she was.”

  “I didn’t, Dylan. I was about to leave the party when she stopped me. We went outside and started talking. It was better than sitting there by myself all night long.”

  “You talked all night long?”

  “Mostly, I don’t know.” I hate being questioned. My hand finds the back of my hair as I walk away from Dylan. People wonder why I choose to stay home. Simply put, solitude in my bedroom, surrounded by the dingy white walls is better than being analyzed under a microscope because I spoke to a girl all night long.

  “How do you not know?”

  I shake my head, wishing she’d let this go. I don’t want to talk about what Hadley and I did out on the balcony. I’d rather remember the way I held her in my arms or how she slept on my shoulder. How we didn’t need blankets. How kept each other warm. I don’t want to cheapen my memories of being brave enough to kiss her. My first kiss and I experienced it with a beautiful woman who wanted me to kiss her, repeatedly.

  “Are you not going to answer me?”

  “I don’t know, D. I don’t want to talk about what happened.”

  “Why not?” she asks, moving closer to me. “You’re my best friend. We tell each other everything.”

  No, she tells me everything. I sit and listen and nod when it’s appropriate. I’ve never had anything to tell her and I’m not sure I want to start now. Besides, what if Hadley doesn’t want anyone to know what we did.

  “You tell me everything. I’ve never had anything to tell.”

  “So nothing happened between you and Hadley Carter?”

  I shake my head.

  “You spent all night with her, on a balcony where none of us could see what was going on and nothing happened?”

  I shake my head. This time I bite my tongue to keep from speaking out. I hate lying, but protecting Hadley seems more important right now.

  Dylan sighs as she looks away. She turns away and starts walking back to her car. I think she’s upset. I guess she has a right to be. I did end up ditching her at the party in favor of Hadley. I just wanted to be with her, she made me feel… special. For the first time, I felt wanted.

  I walk back to the car, slowly. I’m waiting for Dylan to speed away leaving me standing here in a cloud of dust. When I reach for the door, the car starts. I hesitate. I’d like to think she won’t pull away, but I’ve seen others do it and it always makes her laugh so maybe this time she’s thinking she’d try it with me.

  I open the door and jump in, causing her to laugh. I start laughing, which eases the tension in the car. She pulls out and heads to my parents. The quick drive seems t
o happen so much faster. I’m dreading the moment I walk in and hope that only my mom is home. When she turns onto my dirt road, I see both my parents out front. This is not good.

  I give Dylan a silent goodbye as I slip out of her car. My mom smiles softly at me. Her long blond hair is nothing like Hadley’s. Where hers is full, my mom’s lays limp upon her back as if there's no life there. Her brown eyes are hidden behind dark, chunky glasses. I’ve told her many times to get contacts because I think she’s beautiful, but she mutters something about being vain and leaves the room.

  My dad comes around the front of his truck. His coveralls are stained with grease. He’s wringing his hands together with an old towel. His blue eyes bore into me. I have to look away, breaking eye contact and remembering that I’m almost eighteen and I’ll be leaving soon. My intention is to stay until graduation but I may not make it.

  “Hi,” I say meekly. My dad scares the living shit out of me and I don’t want to cross him. The way he’s looking at me makes me think I’m about to be told to go out back and pick my own stick for an ass beating.

  My mom looks over and smiles. I wish she’d smile more. Somehow I think when they started dating she expected a bit more out of their relationship, but no, Joe Stone was destined to stay in Brookfield and follow in his daddy’s footsteps. I don’t know what my mom wanted to be, but it couldn’t be a receptionist at a small construction company. I’m sure she had dreams.

  “I’m just going to go shower.”

  “Hold up,” my dad barks out. I stop immediately, afraid to move a muscle. “You have a curfew and you missed it. I know your mom gave you permission to attend the concert, but this other crap you pulled doesn’t fly. You’re grounded for a week. The list of chores is on the counter.”