Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I knew I’d have some sort of punishment when I got home, but I wasn’t expecting this. I nod as I walk into the house and head straight for the bathroom. I take my allotted five minutes and wish they weren’t home so maybe I could sneak another three minutes. In and out as fast as I can and into my room before my dad comes down the hall. I slip into clean boxers, shorts and a t-shirt and lie down. I know I have chores to do, but I need a moment to figure out what I’m going to do tonight.

  CHAPTER 10

  Hadley

  “Stop pacing.”

  I turn and glare at Alex. I can’t stop. I’m anxious and nervous. More nervous than the first time I went out on stage at twelve. Performing is second nature, almost like sleeping. But this… this decision has so many ramifications – not only for me, but for Ryan – and I can’t help but feel my heart in my throat right now.

  When he texted and told me he was grounded I wanted to cry. I did cry. I also screamed into my pillow and kicked my feet. Only when he texted back saying he’d do something he had never done before did I start to smile.

  And now I’m pacing. My hands are red from the constant pulling that I’m doing on them. I should sit, but I’m afraid I’ll wrinkle my dress. All I want is to see him again.

  “You really like him, don’t you?” Alex asks as she places her hands on my shoulders in an effort to calm me down. I look at Alex and admire how beautiful she is. Tonight she’s wearing a light brown mermaid-style dress with a chocolate brown bodice. The contrast with her skin tone is perfect. Her long, dark hair is swept up into a French twist with just minimal make-up highlighting her eyes. I’m in awe of how natural she looks tonight.

  “I do. I can’t explain it, Alex. It’s almost like the sun is shining on me for the first time. Looking at him from across the room the other night was one thing, but talking to him or when we touched for the first time, it’s like I burst into flames.”

  “Are you going to ask him to finish the tour with you?” she asks this jokingly. My face deadpans and hers morphs into nothing less than horror. “What is it?”

  I shake my head. “I’m in so much trouble.”

  “Why? Did you have unprotected sex?”

  “No, nothing like that, although with what I’m feeling right now I probably wouldn’t have told him no. But we can’t do anything like that, at all.”

  “Does he have a girlfriend or a wife?”

  I look at Alex with tears forming in my eyes. She dabs them gently before they spill over and ruin my make-up. “He’s only seventeen, Alex.”

  Alex doesn’t need to tell me what she’s thinking. I can see it on her face. I imagine that is what my face looked like when Ryan told me, but everything told me to forget that he’s not yet of age and still be a part of his life. I can wait. I can be patient.

  “Hadley –”

  “I know, Alex,” I interrupt her. “Believe me, I know, but I can’t be away from him. I just can’t. He makes me feel…” I cover my face with my hands and fight the tears. Her arms wrap around me. She’s soothing me even though she knows I’m making a huge mistake.

  “This can become dangerous, sweetie. You’re an adult and should know better, but I understand the feelings, sometimes they’re so strong you just can’t ignore them,” she whispers into my ear.

  I nod because she’s right. If I ignore them not only am I denying myself happiness, but I’ll be hurt and sad and can see myself withdrawing from my life. “I have to have him in my life,” I mumble from behind my hands.

  “How far did you guys go last night?” she asks as she steps around me, pulling my hands away from my face.

  If it was anyone but Alex asking, I’d punch them. I know she’s asking because she’s my best friend and that’s what best friends do.

  “Nothing at first, just holding hands and I fell asleep on him. I couldn’t help it. But in the morning, he kissed me and I wanted it so bad. I didn’t stop him, I couldn’t.” I want to look away from her, but don’t want her to think I’m ashamed of what happened with Ryan, because I’m not. If I had to do it all over again, I would. I wouldn’t hesitate.

  “You need to be careful, Hadley. I’m not going to give you a tongue lashing because you’ll end up getting that from Ian when he finds out. Besides, I’m your best friend and I like seeing your face light up when you talk about him.”

  I pull her into a fierce hug. “Thank you.”

  She taps me on the shoulder, I look at her and she points. I turn and there he is, dressed head to toe in black with the black bowtie hanging loosely as if we were just returning home after a long night. Alex releases me and walks over to Ryan. His eyes go wide as she reaches for his neck.

  “Let me fix this for you,” she says so sweetly that I want to hug her again. We could have a love-in and I’d be happy missing the party just for that. I stifle my laugh as she tugs and straightens the tie for Ryan. He stands there, stock still, probably afraid to move.

  “There, now you’re perfect.” She turns to me and winks. “I’ll just be outside the door.”

  Ryan watches me as I watch Alex leave. Once the door is shut, I move to him, faster than I mean to, but I need to touch him. It’s been under ten hours and I’ve missed him so much. My hand reaches for his, his fingers interlocking with mine. I pull him gently to me. He almost stumbles into me before he catches himself.

  “Sorry,” he says. He’s biting his lower lip, trying not to smile.

  “Were you trying to tackle me?”

  “Maybe.” He shrugs and looks away before I catch the smile. I reach up and pull his face toward me so I can see him.

  “I would’ve caught you.”

  “You already did.”

  I want to kiss him, desperately. My eyes go from his eyes to his mouth and back again. This time he does smile, but not the ‘I got a puppy’ smile, but the ‘Yeah, she’s my girl’ smile. And I definitely like being on the receiving end of that one.

  “So what did you do?” I’ve been dying to ask him since earlier. All he said was to keep the plan as we had it.

  “I snuck out. My parents, they don’t check on me, haven’t in years, so I figured why not? You wouldn’t happen to know how a car ended up in front of my house, would you? One that just so happened to have this tuxedo and invite?” Ryan pulls the ball invitation out of his coat pocket and shakes it.

  “I haven’t a clue about the car,” I say while trying to fight a grin. “I can’t believe you snuck out. I don’t want you to get into trouble over me.”

  Ryan leans in. “Hmm… I heard that you like bad boys so I thought I’d give it a try.”

  I’m not sure if I should be happy or pissed off that he did this to be with me, but the thought of him being a bad boy is exciting. My heart and brain aren’t agreeing once more. The logical part is saying he shouldn’t be doing this, but my heart is screaming for me to jump in his arms and show him how thankful I am.

  There’s a soft knock at the door, I look over his shoulder and move to answer. His hand finds my waist, holding me in place. Before I can say anything his lips are on me, soft and slow. He pulls away too soon, but his expression tells me that he’s happy he did that.

  “I wanted to do that before we went out there.” His head motions toward the door.

  “Yeah, we can’t do that out there with all those people. Listen, when we're out there, you’re with Alex. I don’t like it and I don’t expect you to either, but we can’t be seen together because there will be questions and we can’t have that. I won’t be able to do this,” I press my lips to his briefly. “Know that I want to.”

  He nods and grabs my hand pulling me toward the door. He swings it open, startling Alex. Her smile brightens as her eyes take in our handholding. Ryan gives my hand a squeeze before letting it go.

  Alex opens the next set of doors and stands aside letting me go through. As soon as I am over the threshold, the music shifts and the master of ceremonies announces my arrival. I plaster my bright I’m happy to be here smile
and stand there for a few moments allowing people to take my picture. This will be the first time Ryan and I are photographed together even though he’ll be standing next to Alex. Only he and I will know the significance of what tonight means.

  I turn and look at Ryan. He extends his arm to Alex as if he’s done this a hundred times. Alex takes his arm and leads him through the maze of tables, whispering something into his ear. A server signals to my table; I offer him a slight nod. Ryan releases Alex’s arm and pulls out her chair first and then mine, effectively dismissing the server. As soon as I’m seated, he pushes me in slightly before taking the seat next to Alex. I try to hide my jealousy. I’m sure it’s evident on my face. Alex snickers at me. I roll my eyes and lean over toward Ryan so I can talk to him.

  “Where did you learn how to act like that?”

  Ryan picks up the glass in front of him and takes a sip of the water. He holds the glass in his hand, as if he’s admiring the glasswork. “My grandma made me take an etiquette class once.”

  “Why?”

  “I had to escort her to the opera once and she wanted everything to be proper.”

  “Just once?”

  Ryan looks away and shifts in his seat. I wish he was sitting next to me so I could reach under the table and comfort him or maybe take back the question. He looks down at his place setting and fiddles with the napkin sitting there. A server appears, placing his dinner in front of him. He looks up quickly and says thank you.

  He watches the server as he places my dinner in front of me. I look at the server briefly before gazing back at Ryan, waiting for an answer.

  He clears his throat. “She died the night of the opera. We went out to dinner, to the opera and out for coffee afterward with some of her lady friends. The next morning she never woke up.”

  “Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry.” My heart breaks not only for Ryan, but for myself because I can’t comfort him. Alex rests her hand on his arm, playing the part just so I can be in the same room as him. The things she does for me.

  CHAPTER 11

  Ryan

  I spend a lot of time with Alex as Hadley has to be on stage or meeting with other people. Alex tells me that Hadley is a very private person and that although she can’t be with me tonight, she wants to be.

  I wish I knew what is going on with Hadley and me – or maybe there isn’t anything going on at all. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act around her, but everything feels natural and exciting. Kissing her tonight was something I had thought about since I left her hotel earlier this morning. I didn’t know if she’d want me to, but she did. I haven’t a clue where all these feelings are coming from, but I know it’s Hadley. She’s bringing them out of me. I just don’t know how to control them.

  I watch as she works the crowd. I’ve never looked at how women dress before. My mom has the same look all the time. She never varies. Dylan wears a lot of jeans and shorts. I’ve never seen her in a dress. I guess it’s because she’s just one of the guys. Hadley, though, looks so beautiful in her pink dress. Her hair is pulled up away from her bare shoulders. When we were together earlier, I saw glitter sparkling off her skin and thought how lucky it is to be the inanimate object that gets to be a part of her for the night.

  Her dress isn’t bulky like the one Dylan wore to prom last year. I remember shopping with her and having to carry it to her car. I don’t know how she moved in it, but when she tried it on, she declared ‘this is the one’ by spinning in front of the mirror.

  Hadley’s dress fits her, showing me the perfect spot to place my hands when we are able to head back into her private dressing room. Never have I had the desire to kiss a girl until I kissed her this morning. I wasn’t nervous or anxious. Everything felt right and now I want more. So much more of her and her lips pressed against mine.

  Alex pulls me away from where we are standing. She sets her arm inside the crook on my elbow. She makes it look as if I’m guiding her when in reality I’m following her, hesitantly. I trust her not to take me too far away from Hadley. We stop at the bar and she orders us two Cokes, handing one to me, before leading us to the terrace.

  She sets her coke on the table nearby and looks at me. “We have a problem.”

  I’m taken aback because I thought the night was going well. “Um… okay.”

  “It’s not what you think, or maybe it is, I don’t know, but I can tell by the look on your face that you’re scared. Hell, maybe you should be.” She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. Hadley and Alex are so different. Where Hadley seems calm, Alex is on edge. “Your age is going to be a problem. Her uncle isn’t going to like any of this when he finds out.”

  I look at her, not knowing what to say. I know I’m only seventeen, but surely Hadley knew this before inviting me.

  “Hadley likes you, Ryan, and she has no intentions of letting your age affect a relationship between the two of you.”

  Hadley and I haven’t discussed anything, let alone a relationship. I’m not stupid. I know she can do better than me. I’m just a boy from a small town who has nothing to offer her. I’m here making memories that will last me a lifetime. Ones I’ll only be able to share with myself.

  “I can tell you’re confused.”

  “Maybe a bit,” I reply.

  Alex turns me so I’m facing her. Her hands are firm on my biceps. “She likes you a lot. If you think yesterday and tonight is how she is, you’re sadly mistaken. The only reason you’re with me now is because you’re seventeen. She needs to protect herself.”

  “She’s embarrassed?” I ask.

  “Hell no,” Alex says. “She’s breaking the law if she pursues you.”

  I hadn’t thought about the law or how being underage affects her. All I’ve thought about is how Hadley makes me feel when I’m next to her. Not even next to her, but in the same room. It’s like I’ve never seen the sunshine before until I met her.

  I stuff my hands into my pockets and step away from Alex. I don’t know how to respond and I’m still confused about something Alex said. “What did you mean by ‘how she is’?”

  Alex reaches for her Coke and takes a drink, keeping the glass in her hand. “Hadley doesn’t pick up fans, ever.”

  “I’m not a fan.” I blurt out.

  Alex shakes her head. “Anyway, you’re someone special, even I can see the way she looks at you. Hadley likes you and I don’t think she’s going to let you go.”

  A group of people approach us, silencing our conversation. Alex turns and leans against the railing, chatting animatedly with the group. She doesn’t introduce me and I’m okay with that. I’d rather not know any of these people. Alex is working, I can tell. She pulls out her phone and starts talking about Hadley’s appearances. It dawns on me that this could very well be the last time I see her. She has a life away from here, a real one. One that requires her full attention and that’s something I can’t compete with.

  She’s not going to have time for a high school senior. I should’ve told her no when she asked me to attend this party with her. I should’ve left her on the balcony last night and saved myself from hearing what I’m sure she’ll be telling me later tonight.

  I step away, Alex doesn’t even notice and I walk back into the party. I scan the crowd for Hadley, but don’t see her. That’s my sign. I know it is. Taking a deep breath, hands in my pockets, I resign myself to accepting that whatever this is, or was, with Hadley is just a dream. With one last look around and a silent goodbye, I head for the door.

  “Why is it that every time I go looking for you, you’re about to walk out of my life?”

  I turn and find Hadley behind me. Her dress is bunched in her hands, as if she’s about to start running. She motions toward the room we were in earlier. She looks behind her briefly before walking over there and opening the door. I follow her in and shut the door behind us. She opens the second door, the one leading to her room. She waits for me to enter before shutting and locking it behind me.

  “You were going to lea
ve without saying goodbye?” she turns, her brown eyes penetrating mine.

  “I was just trying to save myself from the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech I’ve heard about before.”

  “That’s not fair,” she says as she moves closer to me. She lets go of her dress, her finger in my face. “I want you here with me. I wish I could show everyone out there that you’re my date and not Alex’s. You don’t know what it did to me to see you treat her so well.”

  My eyes immediately go to her mouth. I can’t help it. I’m a guy. She licks her lips and leans toward me. She knows what I’m thinking and maybe she wants me to kiss her again. Her hands rub up the lapels of my jacket, her eyes on me.

  “I don’t want you to leave, Ryan. In fact, we need to figure this out tonight so I can see you tomorrow and make plans to see you again on my next break.”

  “You can have anyone—”

  She silences me with her lips. My hand finds her waist, holding onto her as if I’m afraid she’s going to go away. Her hands leave my jacket, one moving into my hair and the other pressing under my jacket against my white dress shirt.

  Her tongue traces my bottom lip, my mouth opening on instinct. When her tongue touches mine, my mind explodes. Heat soars through my body, urging me on. My hand grips her waist tighter, pulling her closer. My free hand cups her face. My thumb gently rubs along her cheekbone until I spread my fingers out behind her head, holding her to my mouth.

  She pulls away. I’m not ready. I’m desperate for her. Hadley rests her forehead on my chest. Her hands leave my hair and circle my waist. I hug her back, taking advantage of her exposed skin. I place small kisses on her shoulder, her neck, purposely staying away from her mouth because I know if I return there I’ll want more.

  “I’m here for one more day,” she says, tilting her head, giving me more access to her neck. “I want to see you tomorrow.”

  I stop and pull back. This is exactly why we can’t work. Someone like Hadley Carter shouldn’t have to stoop to be with someone like me.