Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Looking into her eyes, I want to get so lost in the magic they hold. I drop my hand from her cheek, her expression changes immediately and she steps back.

  “If you don’t want to be here, Ryan, then just go.”

  “It’s not that. Believe me when I say that. I’m just confused.”

  “About what?”

  “This,” I say, motioning between us. “It doesn’t make sense.”

  Hadley steps forward and picks up my hand. She places it over her heart, my fingers brush against her breast. I attempt to control my breathing in front of her. I’m having so many firsts in such a short amount of time and each one with her. She makes me feel amazing.

  “Do you feel this?” she asks as she taps my hand with her fingers. She smiles when I nod. “You do this to me.”

  “But –”

  “No buts. Just hear me out. I heard what you said the other night and I remember. Material things don’t mean anything to me. This…” she rests her hand against my heart. “Means everything to me. It’s one thing if you don’t feel the same as me – and if you don’t, I’ll walk away, but I have a feeling that you do.”

  “You could get into trouble.”

  “It’s a risk I’m willing to take. We’ll be careful.”

  “My parents won’t like this, they won’t approve.”

  She steps closer, my hand moving with her body, cupping her neck. “They shouldn’t. I’m too old for you, but I’m willing to try and play by the rules for the next few months.” Hadley kisses me full on the lips. I wrap my other arm around her, pulling her as close as I can.

  “Can I see you tomorrow?” she asks, breaking our kiss.

  “I have church.”

  “I like church.”

  I can’t help but smile and start nodding like a love-struck teenager. Now I know why Dylan acts the way she does when she says she’s in love. I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but I don’t want to fight her. She drags me over to the love seat and we sit and talk about my town and how behind-the-times it is. When I put my arm around her, she snuggles into my side. I rest my head on top of hers and close my eyes, dreaming of what life can be like with Hadley.

  CHAPTER 12

  Hadley

  “How do I look?” I ask Alex as I straighten out my dress. Alex French-braided my hair this morning before we made the two-hour drive to Brookfield. Ryan wasn’t lying when he said time had forgotten his town. Half of it’s modern and thriving, but the other end is full of dilapidated housing and buildings that look like they’re functioning, but barely able to stand.

  “You look fine.” Alex slams the car door and meets me in the front. She’s none too thrilled to be going on four hours of sleep and about to sit through a church service. I can’t remember the last time I went to church, maybe for my cousin’s wedding. I thought Alex was going to kill me when I told her we were going. I believe her eyes turned red.

  “I’m nervous,” I say as I adjust the large hat I just put on. The last thing I want is for people to recognize me.

  “You should be.” She links her arm with mine. We start walking toward the church. People stop and stare as we pass by. I’m not sure what they are looking at. Maybe the fact that we're wearing sunglasses and the sun is still sleeping. Or is it simply because we don’t belong here?

  “I can’t believe we are doing this,” she mutters as we step into the church. It’s small compared to the church my cousin was married in. This has about twenty pews on each side and there isn’t a balcony like the churches I’ve been to in New York. There is a choir singing. They're all wearing white robes. I didn’t even ask Ryan what denomination he is, not that it matters. I just hope we aren’t inside some voodoo sect.

  After I convinced Ryan that I wanted to attend church, he finally relented. He probably thinks of me as some stalker willing to attend a service just so I can see him. I’m not, at least not yet. I think as long as I figure out a schedule that works, I’ll be okay.

  What worries me is the rest of my tour. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the next month. I’ll be on the west coast, a place that I used to love and look forward to visiting, until now. Alex asked me on the way here, “why Ryan?” And all I could say was, “why not?” I can’t describe how he makes me feel and I’m not talking about when he touches me, but when he looks at me. It’s like we were meant to know each other. Maybe not be together, but definitely be part of each other’s lives forever.

  Although, not being with him isn’t an option for me, at least not right now. Last night when he was with Alex, I felt anxious and uncomfortable being in that room full of people. In a matter of twenty-four hours I’ve become dependent on someone. Someone that society says I can’t have.

  I spot the back of Ryan and tug on Alex’s sleeve as I start moving toward him. This part isn’t planned. We didn’t talk about what I’d do when I got here. We walk around the back of the church, staying clear of the center aisle. My eyes are trained on Ryan as he sits forward, either mesmerized by the choir or asleep. If it were me I’d be sleeping. I walk in first, my movements catching his eye. His expression is one of shock and quickly changes into the smile I’ve grown so quickly to love.

  I sit next to him and look at his parents, but keep a safe gap between us. This is as close as I can get. His mom wears her blonde hair down, the top pulled back into a barrette. Her dress is gray, solid in color and she holds a Bible in her hands. His father is in an old, brown suit jacket. The color is so faded the elbows look almost white. I look around and see others similarly dressed on this side of the church, but on the other, people are dressed in new, flashy clothes.

  I jump slightly when his fingers touch mine. I wasn’t expecting a display of affection and I’m a bit sad when he pulls his hand back. He looks at his parents before turning his attention back to the preacher.

  There is distance between us during the sermon, which I expected. What I didn’t expect was the tingling sensation coursing through my body. When the service ends, his mom looks at me. She doesn’t smile, but appraises me. Her eyes travel up and down as if she’s never seen another female before.

  “Mom, I’d like you to meet my friends, Hadley and Alex.” Ryan looks at me and smiles. “This is my mom, Sally Stone.”

  “Mrs. Stone,” she says, without offering her hand. Alex pinches my side briefly.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Stone.” I offer her my hand and should’ve taken her hint that we weren’t going to shake hands. She looks down at my hand as if I’ve dipped it in meat sauce. I drop my hand and smile. I’m a performer, winning her over shouldn’t be this hard.

  “Are you new in town?”

  “No, ma’am, we’re just visiting. I met Ryan –”

  “You just met Ryan and were already touching him?” The way his mother looks at him makes his head drop. I want to ask her if she believes in love at first sight or that instant connection you feel with someone that makes you do crazy things, but I don’t dare.

  “Mom?” Ryan’s voice is soft, questioning. Nothing like the voice I’ve been playing over and over in my head since we’ve met.

  “I’ll see you downstairs, Ryan.” She turns and walks away from us. I watch her retreat to people she must know. A few of them point, but she shakes her head, not even turning around to see if we are watching her as she blatantly talks about us behind our backs.

  “I’m sorry about my mom.” His words are quiet, meant only for me. I wonder if Alex makes him nervous or if he’s just always this shy. I’ve seen glimpses of someone different underneath, someone that I fully want to explore if given the opportunity. I have a feeling that he’s saving that side of him for a rainy day.

  “Don’t be,” I say, placing my hand in his. I need to touch him, especially when he’s this close. “She’s a mom and protective of her boy. I get that.”

  Ryan runs his free hand through his hair, creating a mess of waves. I’m curious if he always keep it this shaggy or if he wears it shorter, or maybe
even longer. Not that I’d like him any different.

  “There’s coffee and cookies downstairs if you want to come down.” I nod and look over at Alex, who is clearly bored.

  “Coffee and cookies downstairs,” I say quietly. Her eyebrow rises as if I’m joking. This is so off-the-chart for her. Alex shakes her head and walks away. I can’t tell if she’s mad or actually going to go downstairs. I didn’t ask her to leave. Maybe being here as a third wheel isn’t her idea of fun.

  I look back at Ryan and smile. He’s been watching me this whole time. “Coffee and cookies it is.”

  Ryan smiles and starts looking around. He pulls me out of the pew, gripping my hand tightly. We walk in the opposite direction, away from the main door we came in. He brings us down a dark hall and into a small room. I follow in behind him; it’s dark, with only a tiny window at the top of the wall, near the ceiling, letting in a streak of light.

  I turn at the sound of the door closing, at the same time Ryan is pulling me to him, knocking off my hat. His hand cups my face, his lips not hesitant like before, but daring. I weave my hand into his hair and gasp when I feel his tongue touch mine. He lets go of my hand, wrapping his arm around my waist. His grip is firm, bringing us closer to each other. His hand trails down my face, my neck, my shoulder and finally his fingertips brush along the side of my breast.

  I pull him closer and shift our bodies, his leg between mine. When he moans I know he feels the same sensation that I do and that makes me stop and pull away from him. I’m thankful that the minimal light casts only shadows in this room, because I don’t want him to see the pained look on my face. And I definitely don’t want him to think I’m rejecting him, because I don’t want to, but I have to.

  “You make me want to try things I’ve never thought about before.” His lips ghost on my neck, sending shivers down my spine. I want to pretend that I don’t know he’s only seventeen and give into his raging hormones. It’s like I’ve woken a sleeping giant and now that he’s alert, there’s no stopping him. I don’t want to imagine him looking at or even thinking about touching another woman, only me. I’m selfish in thinking that I’ll be enough for him, especially when all I can allow is kissing and even that is probably taking it too far. Standing here in this darkened room, with a horny sexy boy who makes my skin feel as if it’s being burned, all I can think about is showing him how good we can make each other feel.

  I step back, putting distance between us. I sense his body go rigid, pained. He lets me take his hand when I reach for it, although I can feel his resistance.

  “Have no doubt that I want this between us,” I whisper so prying ears beyond this door can’t hear what I’m about to tell him. “Have no doubt that I want to feel you pressed against me, to let you explore and learn what your touch does to me. As much as it pains me to not touch you and claim you publicly – to tell the world that I’ve found someone that I want to spend every conceivable moment with, even after two days – we have to be cautious and act as if we’re friends. Trust me, it’s killing me. People always say you know when you’ve found that one person and I know, without a doubt, you’re the one.

  “We just have to be careful. There’s going to be a day when we can do this and not have to worry about the consequences.”

  “I can’t help myself, Hadley. I look at you and I imagine things that I want to do and try with you. I’ve never had these types of thoughts about anyone until I met you, until you let me kiss you.” Ryan bridges the gap between us and kisses me forcefully. “I don’t want to help myself.”

  “I can’t either, but we need to try, for both our sakes. Your mom clearly doesn’t appreciate your new friend and once she finds out who I am and how old I am…” I shake my head at the thought. When Ian finds out about Ryan, shit is going to hit the fan. I can’t imagine what Ryan’s mother is going to do, or his father. “We need to be careful.”

  “We’ll be careful,” he says, his lips brushing up against mine as he speaks the three words that will hopefully keep us safe.

  CHAPTER 13

  Ryan

  Having Hadley in this dark room only spurred the thoughts I’ve been having about her. I’ve never thought of a girl that way before until now. When I close my eyes, I picture what she looks like with me hovering over the top of her, or pressed against the wall with her legs wrapped around me. These visions of lust cloud my mind. Holding her hand simply ignites a fury beneath my skin with anticipation of what could come.

  When my fingers brushed against her breast, the thought of knowing I could touch her freely, even if it was behind layers of fabric, sent a thrill right through me. Having her pull away, though, is not my intended plan. I know she’s being smart, cautious. That should be me. I should protect us, shy away from her to keep her safe. I know what my mom is going to say when she finds me alone. A conversation I don’t want to listen to.

  Hadley is right, though. This friendship, or what I want to consider a relationship, needs to be kept quiet. The last thing I want is for Hadley to be in trouble because of me. If kissing her in private is all I’m allowed to do, then so be it. I’ll take what I can get until my eighteenth birthday. I’m hoping then that she’ll still want me.

  “You should go downstairs. I’ll follow behind.” She says this with confidence while my heart is aching for her to come with me.

  Opening the door, I peek out into the hallway, looking for Reverend Monroe. I saw him and my father walk toward the basement before I brought Hadley in here, but I don’t want to take any chances. I need to protect Hadley from the scrutiny she’ll face if we get caught.

  I give her hand a quick kiss before stepping out into the hallway. There’s a soft glow from the nightlights used to illuminate a path. I take a deep breath before entering the church, walking down the aisle and descending the stairs.

  People are gathered, as normal. They congregate by their job or financial status. I hate this church. Reverend Monroe preaches about giving back to the community and treating everyone like family, yet the rich are on the right and the poor on the left. We’re segregated by status and told, without using the words, to never cross that imaginary line.

  Dylan pushes me into the corner, her face full of anger. I’ve never seen her cheeks so red. Her teeth are clenched, causing her jaw to protrude slightly. Her grip is strong as she squeezes my arm for effect.

  “You invited her to church?”

  “Not really. She asked if she could come. Besides, what’s the big deal? No one can tell who she is or anything. She’s wearing that stupid hat.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” Dylan says through pursed lips. “What is going on with you and her?”

  I shrug. If I’m supposed to be careful, I can’t really tell Dylan that I’ve taken on the newfound hobby of French kissing her idol. “We’re friends. I make her laugh.” The last part is a lie, I’m not sure that I do and I haven’t told her any jokes to find out.

  “I think there’s more to this story. You spent the night with her.”

  “I didn’t, Dylan. I told you this. We talked and it’s all thanks to you. Had we come home like planned we wouldn’t be having this conversation and I wouldn’t be grounded.”

  “You’re grounded?”

  “Of course I am.” I don’t tell her it’s all worth it. I wouldn’t trade that first night with Hadley for anything. Nor the second, although my parents don’t know about the early sneaking in I did this morning. “It doesn’t matter what my mom says, she cowers to my dad and you know that.”

  “I’m sorry.” Dylan sounds remorseful. She knows my home life is anything but stellar. While she and most of my classmates are living the life of luxury – even the same ones in my neighborhood have more than I do – I’m stuck in the sixties where the man rules and the wife does everything he says. And the children – they have no voice.

  I spot Alex in the corner. Her eyes are trained on me while she’s talking to another parishioner. Her eyes turn to the entry way and I follow. H
adley steps through. She looks calm and reserved. Dylan turns and shakes her head.

  “Really?”

  “What?”

  She looks back at me. “You like her, don’t you?”

  Like? No, that word does not begin to sum up how I feel about Hadley. “She’s… nice,” I mutter, catching Dylan’s look all too soon. She steps back as if I’ve hurt her, stabbed her. She shakes her head, her eyes downcast, examining the white tile floor stained yellow from years of abuse. I don’t understand what just happened.

  “Did you sleep with her?” she whispers. I look at her, at Hadley and then back at Dylan. I shake my head. We slept, but not in the way Dylan is asking. Her mouth drops open, a small gasp of air escapes. She doesn’t believe me. I know this by looking at her. I reach for her as she turns and runs away. I call out her name, but it’s too late. She’s gone and people are staring, including Hadley.

  This small incident catches the attention of my mom. She looks from me to Hadley and frowns. Mom loves Dylan and is probably figuring things out. It was a mistake agreeing to let Hadley come to church.

  Hadley excuses herself and walks over to me. I motion for her to follow me back upstairs. If we were going to talk, I’d rather do so without an audience. The soft tap of her shoes echo behind me as we climb the hardwood stairs. I want to reach behind me and hold her hand, but I don’t. I push open the door leading to our small courtyard and walk to the bench that sits under the large oak tree that my dad and I made a few years ago and donated to the church.

  I reach for Hadley’s hand as I sit down. I don’t know what we’re doing out here. I just wanted to get away from the stares I was getting downstairs. Hadley stands in front of me, her dress blowing lightly in the breeze. I look up at her and smile. I already feel at ease with her away from everyone.

  “What are we doing out here?”