Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “I’ll call you after my show, but I did want to tell you this – I’ll be there next weekend.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. It will only be two days, but I need to see you. We’ll figure out the rest later, you better get to class.”

  “Bye, Hadley.” She says bye and ends our conversation. I hold my phone, the one she made sure I would take, pressed against my mouth in deep thought. I’ll be seeing her next weekend, which cannot come fast enough.

  “You’re talking to her on the phone?”

  I jump at the sound of Dylan’s voice. I look up to find her standing there, in front of me. I never saw her come in the courtyard. Her hands are on her hips and she’s scowling. We haven’t spoken much since church. She still picks me up in the morning, but our conversation is very minimal.

  I stand and brush off my pants, pocketing my phone. I know she saw the iPhone. Her eyes are trained on me. She looks different. Not the same Dylan I’ve known for the past few years. Her expression is hardened, almost as if she’s upset.

  I know I have to answer her. I also know she’s not going to like it. That day driving back from Hadley’s Dylan made it very clear how she felt. Those feelings don’t change overnight.

  “We talk.” I shrug and step forward. Her hand comes out and stops me. We’re standing shoulder to shoulder, facing in opposite directions. The air is thick with tension. My relationship with Hadley has caused this hiccup in our lives.

  “You talk?” she asks in barely a whisper. I nod and step back to look at her. To really look at the girl I’ve called my best friend, my only real friend. Her eyes are swimming with tears and I don’t know why. Is it so bad that I’m talking to Hadley?

  “Why are you crying?”

  Dylan shakes her head. “It’s nothing. I just miss my friend.” Her head falls forward to my chest. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a hug. We’ve done this before, but it feels awkward now. Her arms hold me tight, as if she’s trying to hold on for dear life.

  “Do you want to hang out after school?” No, I don’t, but I can’t say that to her. Things shouldn’t have to change for us, even though I know they have. I’m not sure if I want things to change because I, too, miss my friend. I miss having someone to talk to. Maybe I can discuss my feelings about Hadley with Dylan.

  “Sure,” I say, knowing this makes her happy. I should want to hang out. It’s not like Hadley will be calling after school anyway. She has work.

  Dylan pulls away, looks up at smiles, her gray eyes shining. By saying yes, I’ve made her happy. When she tries to hold my hand, I pull away. I know Hadley and I aren’t defined, but I like Hadley and don’t really want to jeopardize whatever it is that we have. The look on Dylan’s face tells me nothing. Her eyes drop, but she stands next me. She keeps in step with me as we walk to our side-by-side lockers and pull out our textbooks for our next class.

  She waits for me to shut my locker before turning into the hallway traffic. We have only two classes left before we can leave, both of us having a free period at the end of the day. From looking at her though, I have to wonder if she still wants to hang out after school. Who knew that not holding hands would get this reaction?

  I sit down behind her. The same seat I’m always in when we share a class together. I lean forward, moving her hair out of my way and whisper to her. “Are you mad at me?”

  She shakes her head and hands me a note. I stay where I am, allowing her long, dark hair to be a curtain from the teacher’s prying eyes.

  We have the homecoming dance in a few weeks and I was wondering if you’d like to be my date?

  We’ve never done the dance thing before; she’s always had a date. I’m surprised she’s asking when I know there will be a line of guys waiting to take her. I’m not sure how to answer her. I know I can’t take Hadley, but would hate to say yes to Dylan and find out Hadley will be in town that weekend. I’d miss time with Hadley and I don’t want that. There is also the possibility that Hadley and I are no longer together, or whatever it is we are, and I’d miss the opportunity to take my best friend to homecoming. Not that I can afford homecoming.

  Don’t you want to go with someone who can afford to take you out?

  I hate writing those words, but it’s the truth. Dylan deserves to be treated like a princess, not a second-rate citizen from the slums. I have nothing to offer her except my discount at Stan’s Burger World. I fold the paper and slide it under her arm. The teacher is lost in a lecture and I’m not paying attention.

  The note is back under my hand within seconds. I’ve never understood how girls can be so stealthy.

  I don’t need those things to have fun. Just you ;)

  I read the words over and over. I’m caught on the ‘just you’ part. Dylan has never said things like this to me before. It’s all new. I’m not sure what to make of it and, once again, wish I had a guy I could talk to.

  OK.

  I slide the paper back to her and wait. I’m staring at the back of her head, wondering what I just agreed to. She doesn’t write back, nor does she turn around, so I have no idea if she’s happy. I mean, she should be happy, right? She asked me to the dance and I said yes.

  I should be happy too, right?

  Except I’m not, because all I can think about is telling Hadley what I’ve done and what her reaction might be. Maybe she won’t even react because I’m reading too much into what we have going on.

  I don’t know.

  The only thing I do know is that I’m confused about her and now Dylan. Being with Hadley, my thoughts are places they’ve never been before. My body is directing me to do things I haven’t even dreamed about with her. With Dylan, I look at her as if she’s just one of the guys, yet we are going to a dance together.

  CHAPTER 16

  Hadley

  “What’s this?” I ask as Alex tosses a newspaper in front of me. “Am I front and center again?”

  She sits down, falling into the white overstuffed chair. She kicks her legs over the side and smiles. I know something’s up. Picking up the paper, I open it. There are red circles in the classified section highlighting houses for sale. I look up at her. Her smile is devious.

  “I have an apartment. I don’t need to buy a house.”

  “I don’t think you looked at where those houses are located.” She pulls up her hand and starts looking at her freshly manicured nails.

  I turn to the front page and stare at the name that has been a part of my life for the past two weeks, Jackson. Alex wants me to buy a house in Jackson. Doing this would give us a place where we can be together without having prying eyes around us or having to pretend. It’s still not being public, but it’s better than nothing.

  “I don’t know, Alex. Don’t you think this is sort of presumptuous? I mean, what if he doesn’t want to be with me like I want him. He has his whole life ahead of him to pick someone. I’d look like an idiot if I bought a house and he didn’t want me there.

  “He has a life away from me. I’m this weekend thing, occasionally. He probably has another girlfriend that he’s keeping from me.”

  “You’re impossible.” Alex gets up and moves to the window, throwing open the curtains. The sun is shining. Misleading the people of Chicago in thinking it’s a gorgeous day. That is, until you step outside and get whipped by a gust of wind, which is the main reason, I’m holed up in my hotel. I wanted to shop today, but am not in the mood to deal with the weather.

  “I’m not. I’m being realistic.” I set down the paper and pull my knees to my chest. “What if I’m just passing his time? He’s said so himself that he plans to leave when he’s eighteen. What if I don’t factor after that?”

  Alex turns with her hands on her hips. She’s glaring at me. “Like I said, you’re impossible. That boy let you come to church, where his parents were, just so he could have a few hours with you before you left. He snuck out of his house to attend a charity ball with you. That boy is smitten with you, probably just as much as yo
u are with him.”

  I roll my eyes at her. She walks away, leaving me to contemplate what she’s said. I’ve been so scared to love since my last boyfriend.

  I swore off relationships. Then I met Ryan.

  I wipe the errant tear from my face and go to look for Alex. I find her, reading on her bed. I crawl up beside her and snuggle into her. I love her. She always knows what’s best for me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m just seeing things with clearer eyes.”

  “I’m scared to open up to him. I’m going to get hurt.”

  Alex rolls on her side, moving me in the process. “I don’t think you have to worry about that with Ryan. Hadley, he didn’t even know who you were. This is a guy who sat in the corner of a meet and greet with you and almost left the after-party. Clearly if he wanted you for your fame or money, he would’ve been all over you the first chance he had.”

  I nod, knowing she’s right. I close my eyes and think about Ryan. I’ve been counting the days, only a few more until I can see him. Even if it’s for minutes each day, seeing him will be enough to hold me over for the next time.

  If I buy a house in Jackson, I could be there more often instead of being in New York. Nothing is holding me there, especially when I’m not touring.

  We could be together.

  The loud chanting reverberates though my body. I get chills when they yell my name. My foot taps to the sounds coming from the crowd. They’re here to see me, which still amazes me. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I’m leaving right after the show. Alex and I are flying into Jackson. There will be no meet and greet, no radio show winners hanging out with me after the show. I’m taking time for me, something I’ve never done.

  I take the stage and the crowd gets louder. The songs flow, the clothing and hair changes work, and the fans – they’re happy. When the lighting allows, I can see some of their faces. They’re smiling, laughing and some have tears in their eyes. I know for some of them this is a dream come true. They’ve been waiting years, saving pennies and traveling far distances to see me on this stage. For that, I’m thankful.

  Alex meets me at the side, handing me my bottle of water. She’s packed our luggage and ordered a car to wait for us. She takes my hand and guides me down the hall, opposite of where I need to go. Ian is expecting me in the pressroom. He’ll be pissed when I don’t show, but telling him what I’m about to do will only set him off. It’s not that he doesn’t want me in a relationship, it just needs to be on his terms and with someone he designates the ‘proper’ person.

  Sadly, for me, Ian’s idea of a ‘proper’ person is not mine. He’s brought guys around before, but none that I’ve ever wanted to stay. The one Ian wants, the one that he deems good for my image, is my ex and that’s not about to happen.

  The driver is waiting by the car when we push open the side door. Alex follows me into the car, and the door slams behind us. Once the driver is in, we’re off.

  “Excuse me, where is our luggage?”

  “Already in the trunk, Ms. Carter,” the driver says before putting up the partition. I relax as soon as we hit the road away from the venue. Alex holds my hand, a grin spread across her face. She loves it every time we do something that undermines Ian. They’re not fans of each other.

  The drive to the airport is quick. I’m pleasantly surprised to find there are no lines at security. With our bags in hand, we run to our gate. We get there with a few minutes to spare. I’m asked for a few autographs, mostly from young girls. Alex declines requests for photos.

  We board before everyone else, which I never understood. Being in First Class, people walk by and recognize us, each one staring as they pass by. It would make sense for us to board last. I know people get tired of waiting though, so I get it.

  I’m surprised to see how booked our flight is. Who knew Jackson was a travel destination? The flight attendant hands both of us a drink while we wait for everyone to board.

  “Would you like something to eat?” she hands me a menu just as my stomach growls. Alex starts laughing and asks the flight attendant to come back. I look over the menu and even though I’m hungry, airplane food is so unappealing.

  “It looks gross.”

  “Not in first class.”

  I tell Alex what I want and she orders it for me. The flight attendant tells us that we’ll get it as soon as the captain gives the okay.

  Alex hands me the paper, the same one I thought I left in the hotel. “I called a few that I liked since you didn’t bother to tell me which ones you liked.”

  “Alex—”

  She shakes her head. “It doesn’t hurt to look.”

  She’s right. I look over the list and see that I like them all. Alex knew that though. I look over at her, her eyes closed, but she’s trying not to smile. I bump her arm with mine and she breaks out in giggles.

  “So, are we taking up residence in Jackson for a bit?”

  I want to say no, I do, but I can’t get over how convenient it would be for me to carry on with Ryan and I hope that he’d want me close, at least until he turns eighteen.

  Once in the air, Alex and I eat and make small talk with the people next to us. They’re from Jackson and overheard us talking about buying a house. The man is a real estate agent and offers to help me find a house. I take his card and promise to call him. The woman is an interior decorator and Alex snags her card right away.

  “You know, that’s the business we should go into.”

  “What’s that?” I ask her.

  “You buy houses and I’ll decorate and we’ll sell them for profit.”

  “Defeats the idea, don’t you think?”

  Alex shrugs and picks up her book and starts reading. I lean back, closing my eyes. I conjure up an image of Ryan and I sitting on my couch, enjoying the privacy of a home. Thinking about him makes me realize that I won’t be able to see Ryan tonight, but tomorrow is a different story.

  I startle when the captain comes on to tell us we’re about to land. I must’ve fallen asleep. Moments later, our plane touches down. The only thing I can think about is Ryan. I pull out my cell phone and text him.

  I’m in town

  I barely put my phone away before it vibrates. I pull it back out and smile.

  I can’t wait to see you. Tell me where and I will be there

  I can’t hide the elation and show Alex the text message.

  “I told you so.”

  CHAPTER 17

  Ryan

  I think telling Dylan I’d go to Homecoming with her is a mistake, but I can’t change my mind now. She’s told my mom. If I knew she was going to do that I would’ve said no. I’ve always known Dylan to be sneaky, especially with her parents, but I didn’t expect her to burst in after dinner with magazines to show my mom the dresses she’s thinking about.

  I wanted to run into my room and hide under the bed. Instead, I was forced to sit at the table while they gushed over things I have no interest in. I think I took up the art of eye-rolling every time I heard ‘this is perfect’. My mom should’ve had a girl.

  Dylan finally left, leaving me to deal with my mom all by myself. I want to tell her that I really don’t want to take Dylan to the dance and that I only said yes because she’s my friend and I knew it would make her happy.

  But the look on my mom’s face, when she put her hand on my cheek and smiled, I knew I couldn’t say those words to her. I said goodnight and went to my room to wait for Hadley’s call.

  Only Hadley doesn’t call, she texts telling me she is in town. The moment I received her text I wanted to jump out my window and run to her. Unrealistic, I know, but I need to see her. I need to know she’s real and that what I was feeling when she was here is still the same. That the simple touch of her turns my skin into flames. I want to remember the burn.

  I hate waiting. I hate knowing that she’s two hours away and that I can’t be with her. I pace my room, listening for my parents. I’ve
grown weary of them since the incident at church. They didn’t ask me about Hadley, I wish they did. I wanted to be able to say I’ve met someone that I want to get to know better.

  But they don’t ask.

  They just stare.

  They walk around and look at me out of the corner of their eyes. My dad will shake his head or mumble something under his breath as he walks by, but nothing else. Don’t they care? I held a girl’s - no, a woman’s – hand in church. Someone they don’t know and have never seen and they can’t be bothered to ask me who she is.

  My mom, aside from Dylan coming over, hasn’t said anything to me. She hasn’t asked about my homework or my work schedule. She hasn’t even asked me how school is going. It’s like I don’t exist. I’m afraid to interrupt her. If she’s not cooking, her nose is buried in her Bible and I know not to bug her while she’s reading. Yet, she’s always reading and probably praying for my salvation.

  I look at my phone; she hasn’t texted back. I wish I knew where she was staying because I would go there. I don’t care how long it takes me to walk. Knowing Hadley is at the end of the road waiting for me makes it all worth it.

  But is she waiting? I second-guess her and myself. What if she’s here to tell me we can’t be anything but friends, especially after her manager saw the pictures of us? Pictures I still haven’t seen and would like to. I’d like to have at least one picture of us together. A memory.

  The thought of her not wanting to be with me eats away at me, like a thousand fire ants biting and pinching into my skin. The itch is there, the desire to be something to her, yet I’m afraid to scratch because of who she is.

  Guys at school talk about her. I hear all about the things they want to do to her. I don’t know if this is normal, I’ve never liked a celebrity before. The only person I can ask is Dylan, but I’m afraid of what she might say. I know she doesn’t like me talking to Hadley. The look Dylan gave me in the courtyard was evidence enough. I wonder if Dylan feels like this is her fault. Does she not want me to be happy?