Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Hadley can make me happy. I know this deep down in my heart. I don’t care about the girl all the guys are fawning over. They don’t know the real Hadley. They only think they know the one who stands on stage night after night singing her heart out.

  They don’t know that she likes to be held or how soft her hair is. They don’t know what her lips taste like or how they mold and fit perfectly against mine. These are secrets that I know about her and intend to keep.

  When my parents’ door shuts, I know this is my cue. I have to text her. I can’t wait any longer. Tomorrow is too far away. I need to see her now.

  I need to see you.

  I pace back and forth, no doubt wearing a hole into the carpet with my hand in my hair, tugging at the ends. I keep looking at my phone, counting the seconds, minutes, until I see her name appear on my screen.

  What’s taking her so long?

  She doesn’t drive. Or maybe she does. I’ve only ever seen her get into a car and Alex was driving, but maybe Alex isn’t with her this trip. No, I’m sure she is. They are inseparable. Why isn’t she texting me back?

  I look at my message, it says delivered. I know she got it. Unless her phone is off. No, her phone is never off. Maybe her manager came with her and is keeping her busy.

  I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.

  My parents’ door opens and closes again. There are faint footsteps. They stop in front of my door. I step carefully to my bed and sit on the edge. I slide as quietly as I can onto my mattress, cautious of alerting whoever is standing at my door that I’m awake.

  They’ve never done this. At least, that I’m aware of. I can’t tell if someone is still at my door or not. My phone vibrates in my hand. Hadley is calling me, her gorgeous face lighting up my screen. I can’t answer it, not now.

  I hit ignore and immediately feel my stomach drop. She’s going to think I don’t want to talk to her and that’s not true. I need to tell her before she has these thoughts.

  Parents are up and standing at my door.

  She’s going to run for the hills. I would if I received a text like that. There are more footsteps and another door opens and closes. I can make out some movement. A light comes on, illuminating the hallway. Shadows pass in front of my door, but they don’t stop. Maybe they were just checking to make sure I’m asleep.

  Call me soon. I’m at the church ;)

  I look down at my phone and re-read the words that she sent. Relief washes over me. She does want to see me and couldn’t wait, but does that mean she’s here to break-up? I won’t let her, I can’t. She makes me feel alive. She makes me feel things I’ve never felt and I want to explore those feelings with her.

  I have to sneak out. That is the only answer.

  I’m on my way.

  She’s worth getting in trouble for. That is what I tell myself. She’d do the same thing for me. I get up, not worrying about the noise. I pull up my blinds and slide my window open. Getting out is the easy part. I hoist myself up and onto the windowsill and jump. I look back, half expecting my bedroom light to be on. I slide my window shut, leaving just enough of a gap so I can open it later.

  I walk along the house, peering around the corner. I don’t see any movement. Nothing to alert me that someone is out there lurking around like me. I duck under the kitchen window and turn the corner, hurrying along the side of the house. My shoes squeak in the wet grass, likely leaving footprints marking my escape.

  When I get to the front, I look at the picture window. I notice there are candles burning in the living room. They’re red, casting an eerie glow. Never have I seen my mom burn a candle. I didn’t even know we owned any. I look harder, stepping closer. My mom is sitting on the floor, a book in her lap, probably her Bible.

  I turn away and run as fast as I can until I’m at the end of the street. I don’t know what I just witnessed, but I definitely don’t want to see it again. I slow down and jog the rest of the way to the church. I wonder if my mom will check on me. I sort of hope she does so that she’ll at least talk to me.

  When I get to the church, I run to the tree where we last sat. She’s not there. I hear the creak of metal against metal and realize someone, I hope her, is on the swings. I walk fast, trying not to be so eager until I see her. My stride is wide, covering as much ground as possible.

  She stands. I walk faster. Her arms are down at her sides, her face beaming. I don’t care how dark it is, I know she’s smiling. I’m in a dead sprint, scooping her up into my arms when I reach her.

  I bury my nose into the crook of her neck and inhale. I need to bottle her up so I never miss the way she smells when I’m not with her. Her arms wrap tightly around me as she giggles. I feel her lips, pressing tiny kisses against my neck. This is what I want. What I need. She’s answering my questions without me having to find the words to ask.

  I can’t wait any longer. I set her down and pull back so I can see her, take her in. She’s in jeans and a sweatshirt, looking nothing like the other girls in my school. My hands cup her face. She holds my wrists, anchoring us together.

  I lean in. She lifts her face, her eyes looking from mine to my lips. She steps closer, as if that was even possible. Her hand finds my hair, allowing mine to spread out, my fingers working into her hair. My heart beats faster. It’s in my throat. I swallow hard and wet my lips.

  “I want to kiss you so bad.”

  “I want that, too.”

  CHAPTER 18

  Hadley

  I can’t stand it. I pull up on my tippy toes and press my lips to his. I know I shouldn’t. This is so wrong. I try to pull away, to stop myself, but he doesn’t allow it. He holds me to him, his hand cupping the back of my head firmly. His tongue traces my lip, I sigh, melting into his embrace.

  I’m an adult, I know better. But he doesn’t allow me to pull away. He holds me, pressing us together. Our lips dance against each other creating the rhythm only they can keep up with. My hands roam over his sweatshirt, sneaking under his shirt, fingertips brushing against his skin. He pauses. I’ve caught him off guard.

  Now is the time to stop. To pull away and put some space between us. We can’t act like this, like common teenagers making out in the park. I’m not that person. I can’t be and neither can he if he’s with me.

  “Ryan.” I’m breathless as I speak against his lips.

  “Do you want to go inside the church? I know how to get in.”

  I should tell him no. The words should flow easily from my mouth. My head should be shaking and my legs stepping away, but that is not the case. I’m not in control and I need to be. My problem is that my heart and mind are connected and they both want Ryan, so I nod and follow behind him as he pulls us toward the dark and empty church.

  “Wait right here,” he says with a kiss. I watch as he disappears down a set of steps. I jump when I hear something slam. I look around, weary of my surroundings. An owl hoots from somewhere in the trees sending shivers, not the good kind, down my spine.

  “Hey.” His voice startles me, I scream. My hands quickly cover my mouth. Ryan pulls me to him, kissing me on the top of my head. “You’re shaking.”

  “You scared me.”

  “I’m sorry.” He bends and kisses me, increasing my heart rate, but for the better.

  I pull away, still shivering, but in a good way this time. He smiles and takes my hand. He leads us down the stairs, closing the door behind us. I’m confused as to why I didn’t just come with him earlier. He pulls us through the dark room, navigating like he’s done this many times. Maybe he has. Maybe I’m not his first.

  We walk through a doorway, the area lightened by a few candles. There is a blanket spread out on the floor, catching my attention. This is why he didn’t bring me down with him and made me wait outside.

  “I really don’t know what I’m doing, I’ve never…” Ryan looks away, embarrassed.

  “It’s perfect and well worth getting the crap scared out of me.”

  Ryan shakes his he
ad, turning to me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  “It’s okay,” I say, stepping closer. His arms come around me. The soft glow of the candlelight gives me just enough to catch the glint of happiness in his eyes. I can’t help it. I lean up and kiss him. His reaction is instant and mirrors mine. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m not pressuring him to do anything he doesn’t want to. The problem is that I need to stop this. It can’t go further than it already has. Even that is too much and very dangerous.

  I step back, ending the connection between us. Ryan frowns. My finger trails over the sad lines appearing on his face.

  “We have to be careful, Ryan.”

  “I’m not sure I can.”

  I shake my head, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck. My fingers play with his hair. He closes his eyes, clearly enjoying the sensation.

  “Believe me when I say this.” I lean forward, pressing my lips against his. “If you were eighteen, I wouldn’t be saying no.”

  He opens his eyes wide. I bite my bottom lip. I think I’ve gone too far. That was more than he needed to know. I’m so stupid. He has no intentions of doing anything other than kissing. I read too much into this.

  “What can we do?”

  I raise my eyebrow at his question. He tries not to smile. “What do you want to do?” I ask, not afraid of what his answer will be. This will help us take care of the elephant in the room. We’ll know where both of us stand. Well, at least, where he stands. I know what I want.

  Ryan leads me to the blanket. We sit down, knees touching each other. We hold hands. Ryan plays with the ring on my index finger, his finger running over the top, back and forth.

  “I’m not sure how to answer because everything that I’m doing with you, it’s all new, but I feel so good when I’m with you and when I’m not…” his head shakes, “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  “I feel the same way.”

  “You do?”

  I nod. “I do. I needed to see you. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but it’s been the longest weeks of my life. Everything has changed for me.”

  “Me too.”

  “So tell me, what do you want to do?”

  Ryan leans forward. “All of it,” he whispers into my ear. He lingers there, buried in my hair. I lean into him, fighting the urge to kiss him.

  “We need to talk.” I don’t know what possessed me to say those words. He pulls away, his face marred with sadness. I shake my head and smile, hoping to convey anything but sadness. I need to diffuse the situation. “About us and what we are to each other.”

  “Okay,” he says. His response is hesitant. Maybe he’s not ready to define us. I could be jumping the gun, but I have to know. I can’t imagine him with anyone else and I don’t want to be with anyone but him.

  “Can I say something first?”

  “Of course,” I answer immediately, interested in what he has to say.

  “I know this might seem stupid, but I’d like to call you my girlfriend.” I look at him questioningly. “I mean, not that I’m going to tell anyone, but I’d at least like to think of you as my girlfriend and you think of me as your boyfriend.”

  I start laughing. I can’t help it. We think so much alike it’s scary. He tries to pull back, but I don’t let him. I move into his arms, whether he wanted me there or not. I sit on his lap, facing him. His arms wrap around my waist, pulling me closer.

  “I want to call you my boyfriend. Hell, I want to walk down the busiest street holding your hand and sharing a cookie, but we have to wait for that to happen. I’m telling you, Ryan, the day you turn eighteen, everyone is going to know you’ve got me.”

  “My birthday is still months away. Who says we’re still going to be together?”

  “I say.”

  For the next hour or so we make-out. Clothes stay on and hands stay on the outside. We both had to stop a few times, especially when his hand brushed against my breast. I had to fight every urge I had to lean in and remove my shirt so he could touch me properly. Or when I pushed myself into his hard-on and he hissed, I knew I had gone too far.

  Being held by him, though, that makes all of this worth it. We fit together.

  “I have something to ask you.”

  Ryan leans up on his elbow, hovering over me. “I think I’m supposed to ask you to prom, since it’s my school.”

  I push him lightly. He falls back, taking me with him. He holds me tight to his chest. I rest my head there, listening to his heartbeat. “Prom would be fun. I didn’t go to mine.”

  “Will you go to prom with me, Hadley Carter?”

  I sit up enough to look at him. He’s smiling. “I’d be honored. And now I have something to ask.”

  Ryan folds his arms behind his back and gives me the go ahead look.

  “I’m thinking about buying a house in Jackson.”

  Ryan sits up, moving me in the process. He rests on his elbows, me on my knees. I can’t tell if he’s upset or confused.

  “You want to live in Jackson?”

  I nod.

  “Because of me?”

  I nod.

  “Will I be able to come over?”

  I nod.

  “I think I like the idea.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah, I mean, I still won’t have a car, but I’ll walk if I have to just to see you.”

  I run my fingers through his hair, moving his bangs away from his face. “You’ll never have to walk to see me. I’ll send a car or meet you someplace. Or hell, maybe pick you up at your house because I’m determined to win over your parents.”

  “I don’t want to talk about my parents, but I do want to talk about you buying a house here. I like this idea a lot.”

  “It was Alex’s.”

  “I think she’s going to be my best friend.”

  Ryan’s lips find mine and this is how we spend the rest of our night, into the morning. We don’t sleep, sharing kisses and covert touches. When he holds me, whispering into my ear how he feels so different with me, I want to wrap us up in a bubble and take him with me. I don’t want to leave this moment.

  When the sky turns light, we break apart. I help him clean up the used candles and put the blanket back. We walk hand in hand to my car. He kisses me quickly before he runs off down the road without looking back.

  The only reason I get behind the wheel is because in six hours I’ll be seeing him again.

  CHAPTER 19

  Ryan

  Leaving Hadley at her car wasn’t my idea of fun, but I stayed out later than I had planned. My dad wakes up early on Saturdays. I intended to only be out for a little while. Oh who am I kidding? I’d still be with Hadley if I knew I’d get away with it.

  I’m trying to pace myself, but the longer I take, there’s more of a chance that my dad will be awake and looking for me.

  When I hit my street, my biggest fear comes to life. The garage door is open, he’s awake, but his truck is gone. There’s a chance he knows I’m not home or he left earlier and didn’t look in to wake me up. I have no way of knowing. I have only one decision to make. Sneak in or walk in through the front door like nothing is amiss.

  I do the latter. Better to face the music. Walking up the path, my mom is sitting in the living room. A vision from last night flashes before me. She’s dressed in her casual Saturday clothes of gray slacks and a white dress shirt. She’s doing a puzzle. Her table is set-up in the living room. Her hand moves slowly as she looks for a place to set the next piece. When she finds its destination, she picks up her coffee cup and takes a drink, her eyes never leaving the puzzle board.

  I wonder if she’s happy. When I look at Hadley, she’s always smiling. Her eyes are so full of life that you can’t help but be curious about what goes on in her life. Her laugh, it makes you want to tell her jokes just so you can hear the sounds she makes. My mom, she doesn’t smile or laugh. I can’t remember a time when she did. That thought alone makes me sad. Shouldn’t my dad want her to be hap
py? Isn’t it his job to make sure his wife, the woman he took vows to love forever, is always smiling?

  I take the last few steps and enter the house. It’s quiet, the clank of the door shutting echoes throughout the house. She shifts, her eyes only looking up briefly before she looks back at her puzzle. I thought for sure she’d smile at me. I’m her son, is she not happy that I’m home?

  I don’t know what to do. It seems that since Hadley came to church, my mom has been more withdrawn than usual. I wish she were more like Dylan’s mom, active and vibrant. Mrs. Ross is always peppy, sometimes too much according to Dylan, but at least she smiles.

  I sit down on the couch, rubbing my hands on my jeans. I stop quickly when she turns and looks at me.

  “Mom?” my voice cracks. She looks up briefly, before picking up her next piece.

  “Go change your clothes, Ryan.”

  I look down and realize that I’m in the same clothes from yesterday. I get up without hesitating and head to the bathroom and take my five-minute shower. I put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before making my way back into the living room.

  She hasn’t moved. Or maybe she did get up to re-fill her cup, but I doubt it. Her legs are crossed, just as they were when I came in. It’s as if she’s a statue. Maybe she thinks if she moves, she’ll crack and fall to pieces.

  I pull a chair from the dining room and sit across from her. Doing a puzzle upside down doesn’t really have any advantages, but it is quality time with my mom. I see a slight hint of a smile when I pick up a piece. I try not to stare, but seeing her cheeks rise, even for a brief moment, is nice to see.

  “Who’s the girl?” She doesn’t look at me when she asks. Her voice is soft and caring.

  I take a deep breath and place my puzzle piece in the proper location. “Her name is Hadley Carter.”

  “Yes, I remember that much, but who is she… to you?” Her eyes meet mine and I can’t tell if she’s upset or not. There is no emotion coming from her.

  I clear my throat. My fingers fiddle with the puzzle piece I’ve just picked up. “She’s my girlfriend.”