Words I Couldn't Say (Promise in Prose #1)

by Tessa Teevan

  “Wow. I never knew you had such a way with words,” I admitted, startled and strangely aroused by it.

  “I didn’t, either. It’s you, Ava. You bring out the best in me. You always have.”

  “When did you really know?” I asked. Once again, I knew I should keep my questions to myself, but I was also curious as to how long I’d stupidly held him at arm’s length.

  “Have you ever wondered why I call you Little Bird?” he asked.

  My nose wrinkled, and I frowned at his non-answer. “You told me it was because of Dad calling me Aves—which are birds.”

  It was true. Tucker had had a weird fascination with cardinals when we were kids—so much so that he had gone on a bird-watching trip with his dad for his ninth birthday. Tucker was kind of a nerd. An adorable one. One Christmas, he’d gotten a National Geographic book on birds, and when he had seen the term Aves, he’d taken to calling me that.

  He grinned. “True. But there’s another reason. And I’m going to show you exactly what that is now.” Tucker took my hand and led me towards the car, where he held my door open.

  I was dying from anticipation of what exactly he meant. My eyes widened when he pulled up to one of Cincinnati’s oldest karaoke spots.

  “What are we doing here? You hate karaoke.”

  “You’ll see. Patience, baby.”

  My belly tightened. I loved when he called me baby.

  Twenty minutes later, when he was up on stage and singing an unknown-to-me Ed Sheeran song called “Little Bird,” I realized I loved that nickname so much more. The song seemed to be about a boy who wanted to kiss a girl. He loved the girl, but he wasn’t sure she felt the same. He was afraid to make a move too soon, before they were ready.

  It was clearly a song written for us.

  Or, well, what used to be us, because from then on, I would kiss him every time he asked. Heck, he wouldn’t even have to ask.

  Tears were running down my cheeks by the time Tucker leaped off the stage and crossed the room. Then he kneels in front of me, using his thumb to wipe the tears away.

  “I hate karaoke. But, when I first heard that song when I was thirteen, that’s when I knew. I really, really love you, Little Bird.”

  I released something between a half laugh and a half sob. Then I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him until we were both breathless. “I’ll never tire of hearing you say that,” I admitted against his lips.

  “Good. Because I’ll never stop.”

  THAT ONE KISS—THAT ONE night—changed it all. For the rest of the summer, we weren’t just inseparable. We were inseparable. If you were looking for Tucker, you’d find him with me. And vice versa. Sure, we’d been that way before, but now, not only would you find us together, you’d find us touching. Whether it was innocent hand-holding, thighs touching, or Tucker pressing me up against the side of the movie theater with his tongue shoved down my throat and his hands toying with the button on my jeans, you’d find us. Previous playful banter shifted into teasing of a different kind. Everything had changed, and it was perfect.

  Our post–high school plans were suddenly all the more exciting. Tucker’s father owned a construction business, and while he had spent his summers working with his dad, taking the business over wasn’t in his future. He wanted to be a journalist nearly as badly as I wanted to be an actress. I couldn’t wait for us to be in California, pursuing our dreams in the most perfect way—together.

  With Tucker, I spent my last summer in Ohio learning the ins and outs of pure pleasure. For weeks, we explored each other with a fervor my dad, if he’d had any clue about, would kill my new boyfriend and probably lock me away in a convent forever. Still, we hadn’t gone all the way, and the more he touched me, the more I wanted him. I hadn’t been ready before, and he hadn’t pushed.

  Eventually, however, I couldn’t take the waiting any longer. Those aching loins were on fire for him, and before we left for college, I wanted to be with him in the most intimate way, in our most special place.

  There was a small forest behind our houses, and not too deep into the woods was a tree house our dads had built when we were kids. In our younger years, that’s where we’d spent our time playing board games or cops and robbers, or when he was feeling kind, Tucker would play the Flynn Ryder to my Rapunzel. The completely platonic kind, but I should’ve known that no girl could resist his charms or boyishly handsome smile forever.

  As we got older, we studied there or used the treehouse as an escape—usually from our younger siblings. While I was eight when my first brother was born, Tucker’s was five years younger than we were, and the older he got, the more he wanted to hang around.

  So, once our blindfolds had come off and we’d realized what we meant to each other, the tree house had become our hiding spot (even though our parents knew exactly where we were) and, more importantly, our making out spot. And I’d decided that, if we were both going to be leaving for college and had no idea when we’d even be back in Cincinnati, it would be the perfect—most special—spot to fully give myself to him. As soon as I’d decided, I’d no longer wanted to wait.

  Fortunately, I didn’t think he was going to make me.

  After spending nearly an hour kissing on the old couch we’d commandeered for the tree house, my body was on fire. This was it. We’d been dancing around the idea of sex for what felt like ages, and now, lying there with my jeans unbuttoned, my shirt completely off, and the cool summer breeze acting as a perfect contrast to Tucker’s heated lips kissing my skin, I knew it in the very bottom of my heart. I was ready. I wanted this. I wanted him. And I wanted him now.

  My hips rose to meet his bulging erection, pleasure shooting through me at the friction our bodies created. A soft moan escaped my lips. His fingers, which had been trailing along my stomach, traveled up my torso, where he pushed my bra aside and lowered his head to worship my already puckered nipple. It tightened the moment his lips sucked, his tongue expertly licking until I was writhing beneath him. My hands grasped his ass, holding him closer to me until I was grinding against him in a hurried frenzy.

  “Tucker,” I breathed, my voice raspy and filled with unmistakable desire. “I want—”

  My words halted when he lifted his head and our gazes locked. His eyes searched mine, and when he smiled, revealing a perfectly round dimple, I knew he was aware of what I was saying even if I hadn’t gotten the words out.

  His hand brushed the hair out of my face. “You’re sure?” he asked, to which I only nodded. “Ava, I need you to say it out loud. To know you’re ready for this.”

  Swallowing hard, I brought my hand to the back of his neck while continuing to stare into the depths of those mesmerizing baby blues. “I’m ready. I’m sure. I love you, Tucker. Now, love me, too.”

  “I do love you, Little Bird,” he whispered.

  My heart fluttered at his lifelong endearment.

  “I’ll always love you,” he emphasized.

  After a quick kiss, he rose from our makeshift bed. My heart beat wildly as he retrieved his jeans to get protection. Just as he was setting his wallet down, his phone buzzed, threatening to ruin our moment. But, instead, Tucker ignored it, and the vibrating ceased but then immediately started again. Casting me a look of regret, he hastily picked his phone up to see who the offender was.

  “Twelve missed calls. What the hell?” he said more to himself than to me. He pressed the phone to his ear, once again giving me a rueful smile. Seconds later, all the blood drained from his face. He closed the phone with an eerie calm then hurled it across the room.

  I jumped at the crash then watched as he raced across the room, quickly dressing. Dread seeped into me, deep down into my bones. Something was very wrong, and I had no idea what had happened.

  “Tucker, what’s going on?” I asked, rising from the bed and following his suit by putting my shirt back on and situating my jeans.

  “We have to go.” It was terse. A muscle in his jaw twitched as he forced those words out
.

  Gone was the playful, sexy man who had been on the verge of making love to me. Without another word, he took my hand and led me down the ladder. I could barely keep up as he ran out of the woods and to his house, where my parents were already waiting on the back deck for us.

  The dread spread throughout my body when I took in their grim expressions. My mom, with gentle ease, took me from Tucker while Dad placed his arm around Tucker’s shoulders and led him towards the house, away from me.

  I was still in the dark, but I knew, in that instant, our lives were about to change forever.

  I wish I’d been wrong.

  Because the moment the police officer stepped outside and asked if he was the son of Kevin and Julia Manning, the first domino was struck.

  It wouldn’t be long before they all fell and none of us were left standing. Not me. Especially not Tucker. And nothing I would do would ever be enough to make it okay. Nothing would ever change what happened that day. We’d never be the same.

  “Capsized.”

  “Lost at sea.”

  “No bodies recovered.”

  “A tragedy no one could have expected.”

  “Those poor boys.”

  “What will Tucker do now?”

  “What will happen to Tanner?”

  It was all I could do to get through the funeral by Tucker’s side. The hushed whispers at the wake, however, were nearly more than I could handle. As much as I wanted to run away to the solace of our tree house, I remained by his side the entire time. I knew he wanted to retreat, too.

  If not for his thirteen-year-old brother, Tanner, I was almost positive he would have. Instead of running away, he put on a brave face, thanking those who offered sympathies. Accepting more meals than his freezer could hold. And dodging questions of his future.

  A future I was agonizingly unsure of.

  For years, we’d had a plan. Even as best friends, we had already known we’d end up in California together. I was planning on studying theater at UCLA while trying to get into acting. He’d been accepted to USC’s School of Journalism. Sure, we wouldn’t be at the same school, but we’d be close enough—hopefully with roommates who didn’t mind a little us time.

  All of that had been in the cards, on track to happen, until the night he’d gotten the call.

  What should’ve been a celebration of twenty-five years together had turned into a nightmare. His parents had been enjoying a romantic anniversary trip on the Atlantic Ocean when a freak storm came out of nowhere, capsizing their boat. The search-and-rescue Coast Guard team searched for days, finding nothing. Not even a shoe or the smallest article of clothing.

  The days ahead passed in a whirlwind. Or perhaps it was more of a fog. With only one living adult relative, some distant great-uncle he barely knew, Tucker was left to deal with the aftermath. Of course, my parents were there with him every step of the way, but it wasn’t the same.

  Tucker was barely eighteen years old, and unexpectedly, he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Instead of deciding which parts of his wardrobe he’d be taking to college and if he wanted to upgrade from his Cincinnati Reds baseball bedding to something a bit more mature, he was forced to choose between different types of caskets and tombstones. His once thought-out future now hung in the balance, and all he could do was take it day by day.

  And, as each day passed, it became more apparent: Nothing between us would ever be the same. Tucker had been rocked to his core, and nothing I could do would bring him the comfort he needed. I told myself that he just needed time. He just needed space. I told myself that, once he got to California, he’d look ahead to the future. Naturally, he’d continue to grieve, but maybe in another place, a sunny setting, his outlook would change.

  Even at the time, I knew it was wishful thinking. But it was all I could do.

  “I’M NOT GOING TO CALIFORNIA, Ava.”

  Tucker’s words played on repeat in my head, but they wouldn’t quite sink in. He’d changed in the days after his parents’ accident. It had been expected, and while he grieved, all I could do was give him an outlet, a comfortable shoulder, and be there for him whenever he needed me. So¸

  when we’d been watching a baseball game and I’d commented on how I’d miss watching the Reds in California, he’d dropped the bomb on me.

  In hindsight, I should’ve known that it was coming. How could Tucker go to California after the loss of his parents? But that’s the thing about hindsight, right? It’s only a bitch when you realize how wrong you were.

  “What do you mean you’re not going to California?” I’d sat up and twisted to face him, sure the alarm on my face was apparent.

  As he said the words, he stared at the television, not even giving me a passing glance. “Exactly that. I’m not going to California. I can’t. Not now.”

  I cupped his cheek, forcing his face to turn, and his eyes at last met mine. They were dull, lifeless, and I hated it. I hated this so much. I wanted my Tucker back. My happy, goofy, life-of-the-party Tucker. I had no idea if he’d ever come back to me.

  “You can come later. When things get settled. Maybe just take off a semester or something,” I said, already knowing one semester wouldn’t be enough.

  Tucker grabbed my wrist and took my hand off his face. His eyes were steady and unblinking as he stared at me. He gave me the slightest shake of his head, and his jaw clenched before he responded. “I lost my parents, Ava. My parents. More than that, so did Tanner. He’s not going to lose me, too. There’s no way. We’re all each other has,” he insisted with a vehemence I’d never witnessed coming from him.

  I was about to remind him of his father’s uncle when he continued, clearly having read my mind.

  “There is no way in hell I’m sending him to live with an old, crotchety great-uncle he barely knows. I’m not going to USC, Ava. At least, not now. Not any time soon. I can’t leave him.”

  “But…” Even as I tried to say the words, I couldn’t argue with the truth, so I trailed off. I’d have been selfish if I’d tried to talk him into leaving.

  Even though I’d stopped myself, it was like he read my mind again and disapproved of my thoughts. His face reddened as he balled his hands into fists. Through clenched teeth, he practically seethed. “I have responsibilities now. He’s my responsibility now. And, yeah, maybe I wanted to study journalism, but you know what? Life happens.” He scoffed. “Or, in this case, death happens.”

  My heart was torn in two. How could I have been so selfish to think he could leave Tanner? But how could he give up on all his hopes and dreams? How could he give up on me?

  Even as the thought crossed my mind, I hated myself for having it. If anything ever happened to my parents, Heaven forbid, and I found myself in Tucker’s shoes, I’d do the same. If I had to, I’d give up everything for my brothers. That’s when I knew. I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—try to change Tucker’s mind.

  The realization was the first crack in my soon-to-be shattered heart. And still, ever the glutton for punishment, I continued.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, unable to keep the tears from spilling onto my cheeks. There was really nothing more I could say. Nothing would change his mind, and while part of me understood, my heart was breaking nonetheless.

  A sob escaped my lips, and while I tried to mask my pain, I was doing a shitty job of it. Tucker’s thumb came to my chin and lifted it until my eyes met his. The obvious pain in them was nearly my undoing. Yeah, my heart was shattering into a million pieces, just like Tucker’s world had on the night of the accident.

  “Ava, this isn’t forever. This isn’t permanent. I love you. This hasn’t changed that. If anything, it’s made me realize how much more I love you. It’s taught me we have such little time on this Earth, baby, and it’s important you spend it with the ones you love. You’re it for me, Ava. Whether we’re one hundred feet or a thousand miles apart. You’re the only woman I’ll ever love. The woman I’m meant to spend my life with. It’s you.” His soft
smile was earnest, as if he thought his words would erase all our pain, all of our heartache. As if words would be enough to keep us together.

  But, even though they were beautiful, they were just that.

  Words.

  I swallowed hard, knowing, yet still unable to stop myself, that this was the beginning of the end. “I love you, too, Tucker. But I’m leaving and I don’t have any plans on ever coming back. If I make it out there, I’ll be in California for the rest of my life. So, where does that leave us?”

  “I know it seems like a long time, but Tanner graduates in five years,” he reminded me. “Once he’s settled and in college or working in the business, I can come out there, too.”

  “And until then?” I asked stupidly.

  He shrugged, but I could see the weight of the world resting on those broad shoulders. “Weekends? Phone calls…” he trailed off, and I wondered if it sounded as illogical to him as it did to me. “I’ll visit when I can.”

  I bit the inside of my mouth to keep the tears from spilling onto my cheeks. This was hard enough without breaking down.

  “Tucker, long distance doesn’t work. We haven’t even been together that long, and the thought of starting our relationship by being apart for five years? That’s a disaster waiting to happen. We’ll fall apart and you’ll find someone else. I’ll be heartbroken, and instead of only losing my boyfriend, I’ll have lost my best friend, too. I can’t do it.”

  “You can’t do it,” he repeated, sounded dumbfounded, reeling back from me almost as if I’d struck him.

  I wanted to take it back, but I knew, to my very core, we’d never work if we were thousands of miles apart. As much as I would miss my family, I had no clue how often I’d be able to travel back to Ohio for summer or winter breaks. California was my fresh start, and I was going to work my ass off to follow my dreams. Those dreams, unfortunately, didn’t involve Ohio.

  “We may not have been together long, but I love you, Ava. I love you enough to try,” he pushed. “Don’t you love me, too?”