Words I Couldn't Say (Promise in Prose #1)

by Tessa Teevan

  “I do love you, Tucker. I’ve loved you my entire life, even if it’s only recently changed from friendship to this kind of love. But I’m not my mom. I’m not ready to settle down at eighteen. I have dreams. Hopes. Goals. Don’t you?”

  Even as I said the words, my heart was breaking. Tucker couldn’t leave Cincinnati. I couldn’t stay. We were at a stalemate. A standoff. And I was the one to pull the trigger first, effectively killing any future we ever had.

  His jaw tightened. “You, Ava. You’re my dream.” His whisper was so subdued that I barely heard the words. But his intent was loud and clear. The repeated words from the night of our first kiss was a crushing blow to my soul.

  “That’s not true,” I protested. “You want to be a writer. You never wanted to go into the family business.”

  “I have no choice!” he exploded, his chest heaving and his face twisting with pain and turning a shade of red I’d never seen before. “My parents are dead, Ava! Dead. As in not coming back, never walking in this house ever again. I am all Tanner has. I’m not leaving. I can’t.”

  “I can’t stay, Tucker,” I mumbled so low that I wasn’t sure he heard me.

  The moment the words spilled out of my mouth, my heart was under sudden conflict. How could I leave Tucker after he’d lost so much? And yet, how could I give up on my dreams? I wanted to promise to stay there in Cincinnati with him. I’d be right next door, or I could even move in and help with Tanner. We’d always been family, and though it took me a while to realize it, somehow I’d always known that Tucker and I would one day have our own. Why not start now?

  But, as nice as the thought was, I couldn’t bring myself to say it because, in the back of my mind, if I stayed, I’d eventually come to resent him. And, if we tried long distance and didn’t work out, our friendship would be over forever. A clean break seemed like the best-case scenario.

  Or perhaps it was the most selfish one. I’d never felt more self-loathing than I did right then.

  “I’m not asking you to. I know you have dreams. I’ve heard all about them since you were six years old. All you’ve ever wanted to be was an actress. I’d never ask you to give that up. I’m just asking for you not to give up on me. I’ll do everything in my power to make this work. Just, please, don’t give up on us.”

  “It won’t work. We’ll fall apart,” I whispered.

  He rose from the bed, and like a coward, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

  “Then I guess I have my answer.” He scoffed. “Well, that was fun while it lasted. Take care of yourself out there.”

  “Tucker, I’m not leaving for another three weeks. This doesn’t have to end now. It doesn’t have to end at all. We can still be us,” I insisted, hesitant to bring my gaze up to his. When I did, I immediately regretted it once I saw the pain in his eyes. The pain I’d caused.

  “I won’t continue this knowing we have an expiration date. This?” He waved a hand back and forth between us. “This is over. As of now.”

  “You’re breaking up with me?” I asked, unable to believe what was happening. Looking back, I knew that it was stupid. I’d just broken his heart. How could I have expected him to consider three more weeks when I wouldn’t even give us a chance at long distance.

  “No, Ava. This is your choice. But just know I’m not your dad. I’m not chasing you until you realize we’re meant to be together.”

  I threw my hands up in protest. “I’m not asking you to!”

  “Aren’t you?”

  “Tucker, this is crazy! I don’t want to lose you. That’s all!” I was practically screaming at him, desperate for him to understand that this was for the best. At least, for now.

  But he didn’t. Instead, he landed the final, fatal blow straight to my heart. “You aren’t losing me, Ava. You’re letting me go.”

  We stood there, in our current standoff, staring at each other, willing the other to make the first move. I barely kept the tears at bay, and when one spilled over, I couldn’t stand there any longer memorizing the face of my best friend, my first love, and, now, my first heartbreak. So, without another word, I twisted on my heel, sprinted out of the house, and fled across the lawn.

  As I threw my front door open, I collided with my dad’s chest. Warm arms immediately enveloped me. Arms that were usually soothing, but nothing could alleviate my pain. Not even Dad.

  “Daddy…” I cried, unashamed of the fact I hadn’t called him that in years. “It’s over.”

  My dad, as goofy as he was, was also incredibly astute and knew exactly what I meant. He simply drew me in closer as he led me to the couch and held me while I cried. His gentle hand smoothed my hair out. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t ask questions. He just let me cry, and I was so thankful for it.

  “Jeremy, what in the—” My mom’s panicked voice broke through the sound of my sobs.

  I felt Dad’s head shake.

  “Later, Tod,” he called to my mom.

  The sweet nickname he had for my mom was a bullet piercing my heart. Tucker didn’t think he was like my dad, but that was so wrong. He was exactly like him, and that was part of why I loved him. Part of me wondered if I was more like my mom than I wanted to let on, thanks to the sudden ache in my heart from having lost Tucker.

  I didn’t know how long I cried into my dad’s T-shirt or how I even made it through the next three weeks. By the time I left for UCLA, I was a zombie. A wreck. Tucker had been a staple in my life, and I’d lost him.

  Scratch that. He was right. I hadn’t lost him. I’d let him go.

  Watching happy and in-love my parents was almost a curse. It was the evidence of what I’d thrown away. The evidence of what I’d left behind when I’d gone to California. It was the one thing I told myself I’d never wanted, but in the end, it turned out I truly did. Only it was too late.

  Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have parents whose love story is the thing fairytales are made of? How was I supposed to live up to that? The bar had been set way too high, and I wondered if I’d ever measure up.

  Life wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t that easy. The passing of Tucker’s parents was proof that life was messy. Just when you think everything is perfect, the universe decides you don’t deserve such happiness and then ruins it. My parents were an anomaly. Don’t get me wrong. I loved them and know how fortunate it was they were still blissfully in love after a lifetime together. Grossly in love at times. The amount of PDA I’d seen in my own household would put the kids in my high school to shame. I never thought I’d have a love like theirs though. I never thought I’d want it.

  Finding your soul mate in high school? That’s like waiting for lightning to strike in the same spot twice. In other words, it wasn’t going to happen for this girl, even if my life was paralleling theirs a little too closely for comfort.

  Tucker, my best friend and the boy next door since childhood, was always a little too close for comfort. Except he wasn’t too close. He was exactly where I wanted him to be. Or well. He had been until I pushed him away.

  It’s often said that history is bound to repeat itself—I always shook my head and disagreed. But, sometimes, you can’t fight nature. And the way he’d made—and still made—me feel? It was the most natural feeling in the world. It was like home. Comfortable. Cozy. I’d find myself wanting to wrap myself up in the memory of him and bask in the warmth in my heart.

  And then his parting words would seep back in, shattering my heart all over again.

  “I’m not your dad, Ava. I’m not chasing you until you realize we’re meant to be together. If you choose to leave, you’re doing so knowing exactly what you’re giving up.”

  And then I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.

  I’d left.

  Tucker was not my dad.

  He’d let me.

  Tucker hadn’t lied. He didn’t chase me. He didn’t call. He didn’t write. And, when I returned home from college for winter or summer breaks that first year, he was nothing
but a ghost. Even though I didn’t like to admit it, I spent long, lonely nights staring at his window, wishing, hoping, praying that the light would turn on, even if it was just a flicker, and I could gather the courage up to go over to see him.

  It never did.

  So I stopped making any effort to go home.

  Unfortunately, that didn’t halt the pain.

  They say hindsight’s a bitch, but that’s an understatement. Hindsight is a never-ending agonizing torture that always burns under the surface and recedes until you’re on the brink of healing. Then it flares up to envelop you in the flames all over again.

  It was true. Over the course of the next five years, I went through a cycle. Anger—mostly at myself, a little at him. Melancholy riddled with paramount loneliness. Determination, telling myself that I’d get my shit together and get over the guy once and for all. But then something would happen to force the house of cards to crash down all around me. I’d get a hint of his favorite aftershave and I’d burst into tears, wishing the scent had been due to being held in his arms as he told me everything was okay. Or I’d get drunk, go to my Ugly Girl Cry playlist, listen to Clarence Carter’s “Strokin’,” and simultaneously laugh my ass off and cry my eyes out. Sometimes, I’d begin with laughing, but within sixty seconds, I was crying, reminded of how ridiculous Tucker looked the first time he sang the song at karaoke—courtesy of my father, of course.

  And then that was when it was the worst. The reminder of how much Tucker was like my dad. How much I wanted to be like my mom. But, unlike her, I was a coward.

  So that was my cycle. Pain. Regret. Anger. Melancholy. Determination. Heartache.

  Wash. Rinse. Repeat. For five long years. All the while wondering what he was doing but never mustering the courage up to find out.

  Yeah, I was a coward, indeed.

  WHEN I WAS FINISHED RELIVING the past, I sat back in my chair and watched as Tawni’s expression changed from confusion, to awe, and then to what appeared to be disbelief. It was strange, finally telling her the truth. Telling anyone the truth. I’d been holding it inside for so long that I strangely felt free. Well, not really free. I was still strangled by how much I missed him. How much I craved him. How much I hated myself for messing the best thing I’d ever had up and being too much of a coward to change it.

  After I’d let it all out, Tawni released a sigh and brought her rounded, hazel eyes to mine. “Damn, girl. I had no idea. I thought…maybe you were into chicks or something,” she said.

  I waited for her to laugh, but there was no hint of teasing.

  My eyebrows narrowed, and I leaned across the table and answered her with a hiss. “Just because I tell you you’re hot all the time doesn’t mean I’m into chicks.”

  Her face broke out into a broad smile, her eyes dancing with delight as she teased me. “I know, girl. But it was getting pretty intense and I just wanted to lighten the mood for a moment. Seriously though? I would’ve never guessed you were harboring some hidden feelings for a man you’ve loved your entire life. God, it’s like one of your movies and you just haven’t reached your own happy ending yet.”

  “Happy ending? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be getting that. At least, not with Tucker. Five years,” I lamented, looking up and finding her watching me with scrutinizing eyes. “Five years to the day since he told me he wasn’t chasing me. And he wasn’t lying. It’s been five years since I’ve seen him. Four since I’ve been home. Yeah, there’s no happy ending for us in the cards. There’s no us in the cards. As much as he once loved me, he hates me now. So much that he couldn’t even stand the sight of me. Sorry, Tawni. No happy ending for us.”

  Her head tilted to the side for a moment before her eyes rounded with delight and her lips curved up into a beaming smile. “Girl, this is perfect!” she squealed.

  I wondered what the heck she was drinking and why didn’t I have a glass of it right in front of me? “Umm…my breaking my best-friend-turned-almost-lover’s heart is perfect?” I asked while trying to swipe her glass to make sure she was truly just drinking beer.

  She swatted my hand away before I could get a sip. “Okay, so it does sound pretty bad, and I don’t know how one would come back from that. However,” She sat forward, placing her hand under her chin, “You know who came back from that? Trevor and Abby. He had to fight to the bone to win her heart back. You’re going back to Cincinnati, and now, you can do the same!”

  “I hadn’t thought of that,” I lied, not surprised Tawni had come to the same conclusion I had after I’d read the script.

  But, now that I’d traveled down memory lane, fear had crept up in the back of my mind. Trevor and Abby were fictional characters. The author had written their story how he’d wanted it to turn out. This was real life, and it didn’t usually work out that way. The thought that I could waltz back into Tucker’s life and have him take me back was, while thrilling, pretty damn unrealistic.

  “I don’t even know if he’s single,” I said, my heart twisting at the thought of another woman with him. Touching him. Kissing him. I shuddered then signaled the bartender. “Two shots of Jose, hold the lime.”

  Once they had been set in front of me, I tossed them back both in quick succession, only to look up and find Tawni’s head tilted while she took her time studying me.

  “Stop that,” I insisted, waving my fingers in her face. “Don’t do your psycho-analysis bull stuff on me. Not today.”

  Her eyes sparkled, and if I hadn’t known better, I’d have thought she was already imagining my reunion with Tucker. I wished I could have one ounce of her optimism.

  “Maybe he’s single. Maybe he’s not. But you won’t know until you get there.”

  “I wouldn’t even know what to say, Tawni. Or what to do. Just knock on his door after five years? ‘Hi. Remember me? I walked away and broke your heart when you were grieving over your parents’ deaths. I was an asshole, a selfish cow, but I’m back now and I’m sorry. Can we kiss and make up?’” I scoffed. “That sounds ridiculous, even to me. He probably hates me.”

  A perfectly manicured eyebrow arched in my direction. “Honey, I don’t know the man, so I can’t say what he does or doesn’t feel…but you were young. So was he. Life happened, got in the way, but now, life is giving you a second chance. You even said he was willing to wait to be with you for five years. And what’s it been? Five years. I don’t see what could have changed in that time.”

  “Everything has changed! I’ve changed. I’m sure he has, too. And what about everything that’s happened since I left? For my entire life, I waited for him, Tawni. For someone special, the man I loved, to give my virginity to. After I left Tucker, as much as I wanted to throw myself at the first man who looked at me to forget him, I couldn’t do it. So, what did I do? I turned down every single man who asked me out on a date because of some idiotic deep-down hope that Tucker would still, one day, be my first.” I scoffed. “I doubt he’s done the same.”

  Another jolt of pain hit my heart.

  “You’ll be my first. And my last.”

  The once romantic sentiment resonated profoundly. Maybe I was stupid to still be holding on to my virginity when it’d been five years of radio silence from Tucker.

  “Maybe I should just get it over with and sleep with someone,” I muttered, knowing I’d never go through with it.

  Tawni tsked. “Look around you, Ava. There are plenty of men in this bar who would bend you over and make you scream if you so much as crooked your finger in their direction. Hell, you could probably do a subtle nod towards the bathroom and the condom would be unwrapped before you even had your jeans unbuttoned.”

  I rolled my eyes at her ridiculous exaggeration.

  “Every single time you walk into this bar, eyes all over the room light up, just waiting for the elusive Ava Banks to notice them. But do you? No, not once, because you’re still in love with Mr. Cincinnati and can’t stand the thought of being with anyone else even though you’re doing absolutely nothing to make t
hings right between you two. God, now it all makes sense!” She sat back and folded her arms across her chest, seemingly pleased with her analysis, waiting for me to challenge her.

  I couldn’t because she, without a doubt, was absolutely spot-on.

  After my one-time disastrous foray into the world of dating, I’d decided I hadn’t needed it. Nothing my fingers couldn’t do themselves, especially when we didn’t have to have an awkward conversation afterward. Not that I would have told Tawni that. What we did in our own bedrooms, only mere feet down the hall from each other, was our own business.

  “Or maybe it’s because I don’t want to get a reputation,” I quipped. She was right, of course, but my sentiment was, also. “Slut-shaming is pretty big in Hollywood these days, you know.”

  She laughed at that. Actually laughed. “Are you kidding me? If there’s anywhere to be a slut,” she said with air quotations, “it’s Hollywood. But that’s not what I’m talking about.”

  I waved a dismissive hand in her direction. “Oh, come on. You know there’s a complete double standard. Not just in Hollywood, but in life in general. Men can do whatever they want. Us? We’re expected to wait in our little Rapunzel castles until Prince Charming’s done screwing all the maids and finally comes with the keys to our chastity belts.”

  Tawni burst out into laughter. I, personally, didn’t find it funny because it was true.

  “If someone slut-shames a woman for having safe, pleasurable sex,” she said, “I say fuck them. This isn’t the nineteen fifties. We aren’t meant, as you said so eloquently, to be chaste maidens waiting for Prince Charming to arrive on a white steed with the hardware that leads to our happy place.” She snickered. “Although that last part isn’t a bad thought.”

  “You’re awful,” I teased.

  “It’s the twenty-first century. There are things in place to prevent diseases and unwanted pregnancies. I don’t find anything wrong with seeking pleasure just for that. Pleasure.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like you’ve put some thought into this,” I said, already having known that this was one of Tawni’s favorite soapbox points.