Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  “She changed her mind when you said that you wanted to have a kid,” he says quietly, and I almost stop breathing. I think back to the last night I was with her, how I got caught up in the moment and we were going at it…it was intense and I was so fucking happy and I asked her to have my baby. I remember the look on her face, like I had just told her I went bankrupt and lost all our shit. A cross between her being terrified and disgusted. I cover my face with my hands.

  “I didn’t mean right fucking then!” I shout out loud.

  “Ian, she didn’t think it could ever happen. She was scared and thought she was cheating you out of what you wanted.” His voice is quieter now, like he’s walking on eggshells.

  “She told me she was going to tell you before that happened, but I don’t think she really was. I think she was going to keep trying to hide it from you…she convinced herself that she could make it work but, when you brought up kids, her having a baby, she couldn’t exactly hide that from Megan, from you. She made a bad decision, one I wish I could have talked her out of, but she really was trying to not hurt you. She thought letting you go was the best thing.”

  I hate the fact that tears are coming from my eyes now but I can’t stop them. Before long I’m crying so hard my body is rocking. I feel Blue sit beside me; he brings a hand to my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry br—Ian. I should have just said something, but she was so fucking stubborn she convinced me it was the best thing and I couldn’t change her mind! I didn’t know what it was like to have her disorder, and a small part of me didn’t really believe her, that she was going to stay gone, that there really was another part of her…but then I saw, and it was surreal and insane and mind boggling because Megan was so different from her. I really didn’t know what to do. I became friends with Megan but she was already really into Kam, and he was Katy’s brother. I thought I was in love with Katy. Everything just snowballed so I kept waiting and hoping for Aly to come back, to talk some sense into her, but she never did.”

  I finally still myself.

  “Keep going,” I tell him. He lets out a breath.

  “So I finally thought that if I could get Megan to see you, if I could get her to remember you, give her some information about her past, that Aly would come back. She’d connect the dots and we’d figure it all out. But she didn’t and I realized I’d fucked up everything. I was lying to you, to Megan, to Katie and Kam…it was just shit! It’s all shit.”

  I glance at him and see that he has tears in his eyes, and I wonder when we become such little bitches?

  Alana did this and it makes me sort of laugh.

  “What?” he asks.

  “If anyone could make a grown man feel like a bitch, it’d be my girl,” I tell him. He nods, a ghost of a grin on his face.

  “I really fucked up and I know there’s nothing that I could ever say to fix this, to make you trust me again. But I swear I’d never lie or keep anything from you about this ever again, I swear to God. Just let me help try to figure this out, to make all of this right,” he pleads. I don’t answer. I don’t know what he could do to make this right, to fix it. This mess seems beyond repairing.

  “Why’d you tell me now?” I ask him curiously. “Was the guilt just too much?” I ask him. He wipes his eye and shakes his head. “No, Kam met with me. He found out about you,”

  he says quickly.

  “Megan didn’t tell him about me?” I ask, almost feeling betrayed. Was I so insignificant that she didn’t bother to mention me to the supposed love of her life?

  “Kam’s family is…they’re like this rich political aspiring powerhouse. They’re cool people but I think she thought it may have been too much for him to handle. Katie told me that Kam said he was Megan’s first love…”

  My stomach flips over and the coffee and last night’s whiskey comes out my throat and all over the floor. Our conversation is on pause while we both go and get buckets of water and soap to clean it all up. It’s almost a welcome interruption to the intensity that was filling the room. Once the last part is cleaned up, I speak first.

  “What’d he want to know? Did you tell him her ex-husband is crazy as fuck and won’t ever give up on her?” I say pointedly, and Blue covers up a snicker.

  “I didn’t, but I made Megan tell him about you.”

  “What did she say?” I ask, trying not to sound desperate.

  “I don’t know exactly what she told him but he knows you exist. To what extent, that I don’t know.” I clench the mop in my hand tighter before carrying it off to my small storage closet. Blue does the same with the bucket.

  “How do you think it went?” I ask, hoping against hope that maybe him knowing the truth would be too much. I mean, this shit is a lot to handle and I know a lot of guys who wouldn’t be able to. It’s selfish but I don’t give a fuck. If Megan didn’t have this Kam guy it’d make it a lot easier to convince her that I can love both her and Alana, that they’re one—or should be—and whoever is with her should understand that.

  Blue nods his head solemnly.

  “I don’t think he’s going anywhere bro. He’s head over heels for her.”

  I feel my jaw tighten and let out a deep breath. He hasn’t really had to deal with the shit parts of this. I know for a fact he hasn’t met Alana. Megan hasn’t run away screaming from him. She’s told him the truth, she hasn’t given up on them. I fight the thought that maybe their love is stronger since Alana gave up on us, but I don’t know if she did. She thought she was doing what was right. That’s selfless, even though she was wrong.

  “But Alana came back, you said.” Blue interrupts my thoughts and I nod.

  “A second time,” he reiterates. “That means she’s fighting right? She’s not content with just riding it out in the background anymore. If she’s fighting for you, we have to fight for her,” he says, and I frown.

  “How? How am I supposed to fight for her? Megan doesn’t want me anywhere near her,” I tell him, feeling defeated, dehydrated, and exhausted with everything that’s been laid out on the table.

  “That’s the point. She must not want to see you because Aly’s trying to get back to you. If Megan ran away from you after everything happened like you said, then Megan’s scared of her coming back obviously,” Blue says, trying to muster some enthusiasm in his voice.

  “Just don’t give up hope man.” Blue pats my shoulder. “Kam’s a good guy but I don’t see him being able to deal with Aly. You could love them both.”

  I push a hand through my hair and look at the shattered picture of Alana that’s behind the TV. I walk over to it and see her face staring back at me full of life, promise, secrets. I can’t give up on her, even if I’m tired and emotionally exhausted. I can’t walk away from her, pretend that she never existed, let Megan lead the life she wants without trying again. I’d be lying to myself if I did, so this pity party needs to come to a close. I just need something—a sign—to keep fighting, to not give up…something. I look at Blue, who’s face has gone blank.

  “Megan just texted me. She wants to meet with both of us.” His tone is reticent, but what he said is exactly what I needed to hear.

  Chapter 9

  Ian

  My stomach has been wobbly all day, my thoughts all a cloud of her. Megan/Alana, the women who both flipped my life upside down. It’s been a day since that text came through. My sign, I’ve come to think of it as, said Megan wanted to meet with us the next day. Thankfully it gave me time to sober up, get the stench of alcohol out of my skin, and to flush out my brain and try to think clearly. I keep running through my thoughts of what to say to her, how to explain that we have to figure things out, that if Alana…no, not if. Alana is her, and she’s still in there somewhere. We have to come to a conclusion that will make both of them content even if that’s her taking space from both me and this Kam guy. I can’t tell her who to date or see romantically but that she sure as hell shouldn’t commit to marrying this guy.

  I’m trying to figure out how t
o do this without overwhelming her or scaring her off. I don’t want a repeat of the outcome that landed her in the hospital, but Blue will be there to be our buffer. He’s nervous as hell too, and has decided to be honest with her about meeting Alana first. I’m sure it’s going to suck for him to come clean. Blue has been someone she trusted and he lied to her for Alana and for me. Even though Megan is a lot more in control of her emotions, being the more rational of the two, she’s going to be pissed off. I just hope she believes I wasn’t in on it, that this wasn’t a trick.

  I really wish Blue would just wait until things are steadier, more concrete and not as messy, but then that’d make me a hypocrite. I’d be asking him to do what he did for Alana, to me, and I can’t ask him that. I hope Megan will know that I can’t pretend to be shocked to see her, that I could barely pretend to only want her friendship, to not want Alana back—her back.

  The address she texted us to meet her at is somewhere we haven’t been before. It’s on the same block as Megan’s apartment but it’s different. We find a park about a block and a half away and walk towards it. I want to pull Blue along faster; he’s walking like a man in a funeral procession. I know this conversation isn’t going to go as well for him as I hope it will for me. I don’t even expect for anything to be solved, really. I just want it to be a step in the right direction. A beginning, a bridge between the two of us—because the last time I saw her, the bridge we had broke.

  “You’re going to be cool right?” he asks.

  “Yeah, I’m cool. I don’t want a repeat of last time,” I tell him honestly, and he nods. As we get closer to the apartment, my stomach drops. Cal and Dexter are standing outside on the porch. What the hell are they doing here? Blue and I exchange a glance.

  “Stay chill,” he tells me, his voice steady. I grit my teeth but don’t say anything. Cal sees us first, but the other one, Dexter, comes down and greets us. I feel my blood pressure rise. What if Megan’s not here? What if it was some kind of twisted play for them to tell us to stay away from her? I try to remain calm but adrenaline is already pushing through my veins.

  “We come in peace,” Dexter announces with his hands up in a truce, a self-satisfied smile on his face. Blue and I stop before going up. Cal and I both stare each other down.

  “Is Megan here?” I ask tightly.

  “She is. We’re just here for support,” Dexter explains calmly. Blue and I exchange a look. Support for what? We knew Megan and Alana before these guys even knew she existed.

  I glance up at Cal, ready for some shitty comment to be thrown at me.

  “It’s what he said,” Cal mutters, without his usual condescending tone. I glance at Blue who looks as skeptical as I am. Neither one of us are used to this, these big brothers and supposed gatekeepers. I’m not used to Alana having anyone but me. But hell, I don’t give a shit if they’re here. It’s not going to stop me from saying anything I planned on, and I guess I can understand them wanting to be here for her after what happened last time.

  Cool.

  I don’t want any problems today. Shit shouldn’t be so fucking complicated all the time.

  “Good,” I say, making my way up the stairs with Blue behind me. The apartment is big but there’s not much furniture in it, and I realize it’s probably a model unit they own and rent out. As we go further in we notice Dexter and Cal both remain outside, which is a little more comforting. And then I see her. She’s not facing us, but sitting at a round table in a dining room, her long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. She turns to greet us, and I wait for my heart to lift, but her expression is reserved. There’s no light in her eyes but she gives us a small smile, even if it looks forced, as she stands.

  “Thanks for coming,” she says. Blue approaches her for a hug and I’m jealous that she gives him a warm embrace. Her and I only exchange awkward forced grins, and my nerves ramp up again. This is going to be a hell of a lot harder than I thought.

  “Have a seat,” she says, gesturing to the chairs at the round table, and we both do. We’re quiet like we’re parents at a parent-teacher conference with our kid, who was caught screwing off.

  “I’m so glad you’re okay,” I tell her. The words come out heighted and sound desperate even to myself. She looks away from me as soon as I finish, but I notice her skin is flushed.

  “It happened but we’re past it. I’m completely fine,” she says, her tone becoming a smidge more friendly.

  I nod. She looks good, just some red swelling around her chin. There’s a bandage on her hand, but she looks so much fucking better than I thought she would after seeing her on the ground like that.

  “You’ve got some expensive bodyguards out there,” Blue jokes. This time her smile is genuine, and I’m jealous. I can’t help but be a tiny bit happy that she’s about to become as upset with him as I was as the course of this conversation goes on, but then I check myself, realizing that’s the last thing I should want. Blue is my go-to when her and I can’t communicate. If she is upset with him I won’t have any way to reach her, and I suddenly want to tell Blue not to say anything.

  I fold my arms across my chest to keep from touching her, reaching out to her, remembering her—Megan’s—lips on mine. Her body against mine. How she gave in. I want to bring it up to make her admit it happened but I know that’s not the smart thing to do. Though from the way her eyes are avoiding mine, and her skin reddening, I think she already remembers.

  “Are you moving here?” Blue asks. I want to tell him to stop with the small talk. I can barely sit still and just want to get to the point, to push pass the awkwardness and pleasantries and get right down to it.

  “No, it’s one of Cal’s buildings. He says it’s one of his Airbnb properties. Crazy right?” she says brightly, soaking in the easiness of the question.

  “Why didn’t you want to see me Megan, when you were in the hospital?” I cut in. The brightness in her eyes dulls as soon as they land on me and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it isn’t a punch in the stomach.

  She lets out a small breath but it’s long. She starts to stroke her hand with her thumb—something I’ve never seen Alana do—so I guess this is a Megan thing.

  “And why are your brothers here? Are you scared of me now?” I continue. Blue nudges me to I guess chill, but this is starting to feel weird. Us meeting at the place she doesn’t live in, with her brothers standing outside as if she needs protection from us…who am I kidding—not us, me.

  “They’re here because of what happened last time Ian. I’m okay but I could have been killed.” Her voice is slightly raised and it stings me. She’s right, she could have died, and it causes my adrenaline to be replaced with guilt.

  “Alana attacked me,” she forces out. I look at her, confused.

  “What do you mean?” Blue asks before I can.

  “After what happened,” she says, almost cringing. Her eyes land on mine briefly and my heart dips a little.

  “Alana was angry and she started shouting these piercing profanities at me. I was so caught off guard that before I knew it I was in the middle of the street, and the car was right there.”

  Shit!

  This is my fault. I feel a truckload of guilt pour down on me thinking of what Blue said, how maybe Alana didn’t want Megan and I together, and this basically solidifies that. I’m furious at Alana because she could have gotten them killed, and at the same time my heart rate speeds up because she’s still in there, she still cares. I scold myself for being a selfish idiot.

  “I’m sorry Megan,” I tell her sincerely. “About what happened…”

  “What happened was inevitable.” Her words shock the hell out of me, but her tone is really fucking dismissive. I’m confused, and glance over at Blue, who seems to be as well.

  “I think it was good that it happened. We both were able to see that regardless of what you thought we had, you and I, it wasn’t between us. It was between you and Alana,” she says confidently, but I feel my expression break.

&nbs
p; “You’re Alana.” I’m tired of the bullshit, pussyfooting around, separating them. I can do that but she shouldn’t.

  She glares at me, like I’ve thrown water in her face.

  “No. No, I’m not, and that’s what you keep failing to understand,” she says, her voice raised.

  “Isn’t the whole point of DID to get you both to come together? Because it’s you, and you’re both the same.” My voice is raising now, and I feel Blue’s hand on my shoulder.

  “No Ian, Alana is impulsive, reckless, and selfish. Her almost getting us killed showed us that!” she counters, and before I can reply she’s starting again.

  “Besides, obviously Alana wouldn’t be content with the idea that you want to keep forcing. She doesn’t want it! She doesn’t want us together, you and I. Besides, I’m in love with someone else!”

  Her statement is a punch in the gut, then her expression softens.

  “I’m sorry,” she adds quietly. “I wish it wasn’t that way, that things were different, that Alana didn’t hurt you, that you weren’t involved in this. But we—you and I—have to be adults. Mature, reasonable adults, and put an end to this.”

  I’m glaring at her now.

  “Megan, I know the accident scared you, and Kam has plans for you, but with everything going on do you think that you should even be with anyone right now? Maybe you just need time to heal and figure things out. Shouldn’t you just take things slow until that happens?” Blue says, keeping his tone easy and thoughtful. He’s doing a hell of a lot better than I am. I’m ready to argue, to tell her she’s wrong, that we can figure it out!

  Her gaze leaves us and she focuses on her hands. The room is silent. I can see her thinking, urging herself to say something. I have things to say too but I want to hear her response, without starting another verbal battle.