Worse, Worser, Wurst

by Nancy Krulik

  Princess Pulverizer frowned angrily. “I’m not just any kid,” she insisted. “I’m Princess Pulverizer. I’m strong. And really smart. I figured out a way to get in here even though the door was locked, didn’t I?”

  Lester rolled his eyes. “You’re not the first one to get into this room,” he told her. “The great Sir Loin was here. A whole army of Salamistonia’s finest soldiers made it past that door. But none of them were able to get me out of this cage.”

  “I’ve met that army,” Princess Pulverizer told him. “They seemed pretty wormy to me.”

  Lester sighed. “Go back to your castle, Princess. You do know how to get home, don’t you? Follow the foot-prince.”

  Princess Pulverizer groaned. “That’s an awful joke,” she told him.

  “What do you expect?” Lester replied. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to be funny when you’re locked up in a cage?”

  Princess Pulverizer looked around the room. There had to be some way to free Lester.

  Just then, the princess spied a giant key. It was hanging from a hook on the wall—just out of Lester’s reach.

  “The wizard put the key right where you can see it, but you can’t get to it,” Princess Pulverizer said. “That’s mean.”

  “The wizard’s a pretty mean guy,” Lester replied. “In case you hadn’t noticed.”

  Princess Pulverizer had noticed. Turning soldiers into worms definitely wasn’t nice. There was no telling what the wizard would turn her into if he woke up and found her in here talking to Lester the Jester.

  Quickly, Princess Pulverizer yanked the heavy key from its hook. She jammed it into the lock and turned it.

  But the lock didn’t open.

  “Um . . . aren’t you forgetting something?” Lester pointed out.

  “What?” Princess Pulverizer asked as she tried over and over to turn the key.

  “There’s a spell on that lock,” Lester said. “You can’t open it unless you are selfless and pure of heart. And something tells me you’re not either of those.”

  Oops. Princess Pulverizer had forgotten all about that.

  The princess knew she was brave and smart. But that didn’t make her selfless.

  In fact, some people might say she was a little selfish.

  Not to mention spoiled.

  And stubborn.

  Those things probably kept a girl from being pure of heart.

  “Face it, Princess, you’re not cut out for the rescuing business,” Lester told her.

  Now Princess Pulverizer was getting really angry. Lester the Jester was one ungrateful jerk. Here she was risking her life to save him, and he was being awful.

  “I have half a mind to just leave you here,” Princess Pulverizer told him angrily.

  “Half a mind sounds about right,” Lester agreed. “But that’s okay. Princesses are rich. You can hire someone to do your thinking for you.”

  “I’m not the one who got myself caught and put in a cage,” Princess Pulverizer told him.

  “Not yet,” Lester reminded her.

  Suddenly, the princess heard noises coming from the hallway. “What’s that?” she asked Lester nervously.

  “Sounds like the Wizard of Wurst is sleepwalking again. He does that sometimes.” Lester glanced at the expression on Princess Pulverizer’s face. “Oh, don’t look so scared. You’re okay—as long as he doesn’t wake up and find you here.”

  Princess Pulverizer gulped. “I have to go now,” she told Lester.

  “Yeah, I figured a kid like you was sure to chicken out,” Lester replied. “And speaking of chickens—do you know what you call a crazy chicken?”

  “No,” Princess Pulverizer replied. “What?”

  “A cuckoo cluck,” Lester told her. He began laughing hysterically.

  Princess Pulverizer frowned. That joke was horrible.

  She had to free Lester, and soon. He was already forgetting how to be funny. And if he couldn’t be funny anymore, it wouldn’t matter whether she got him back to Salamistonia or not. Because the whole point was to make the people laugh again. And no chicken joke was going to do that.

  “Don’t worry, I’m not a chicken,” Princess Pulverizer promised Lester as she hurried for the door. “I’ll be back—just as soon as I figure out a way to open that lock!”

  “If you figure out a way,” Lester called after her. “And from where I’m sitting, that’s a very big if.”

  Chapter 7

  “Turning princes into toads is easy. Turning them into frogs is not.”

  It was early the next afternoon, and the wizard was teaching Princess Pulverizer about spells that transformed one thing into another.

  “The problem is, you have to get the prince near water to turn him into a frog,” the Wizard of Wurst continued. “These days, princes don’t like to go near water. They’re all too afraid of messing up their hair.”

  That made Princess Pulverizer smile. She knew how vain princes could be. She’d caught more than a few fixing their hair in her father’s mirrored ballroom.

  “Did I tell you about the footman I hired to clean my silver and dust my furniture?” the wizard continued.

  That surprised Princess Pulverizer. She hadn’t seen any servants in the tower. As far as she knew, it was just the wizard and her—and Lester the Jester.

  “Do you still have a footman?” she asked the wizard curiously.

  “No,” the Wizard of Wurst replied. “Now I have a footstool. That’s what I turned the footman into when I caught him stealing my silverware.”

  A footstool? Quickly, Princess Pulverizer took her feet off the stool in front of her. As she put her feet on the ground, she swore she heard a tiny voice say, “Thanks.”

  The wizard walked across the room and suddenly flung open the doors that led to the balcony.

  Princess Pulverizer took a deep breath. It was the first fresh air she’d felt on her face since she’d entered the wizard’s tower. She wished she were out there in the woods with Dribble and Lucas, enjoying the great outdoors, instead of being stuck here with the wizard.

  “Come here,” the Wizard of Wurst commanded. “I want you to meet the latest victim of my magic.”

  The princess walked out onto the balcony and looked around.

  Coo. Coo. Suddenly, she heard a pigeon.

  Sure enough, in the corner of the balcony there was a small pigeon coop. Inside the coop was one lonely white pigeon with just a splash of gray on his wing feathers.

  “Meet Jacob,” the wizard introduced him. “He said he wanted to be my apprentice and learn magic—just like you. But I soon learned that wasn’t why he was here at all.”

  Now the wizard had Princess Pulverizer’s attention.

  “Jacob was a spy for the Wild Witch of Sandwich,” the Wizard of Wurst continued. “She sent him here to learn my magic tricks so she could use them against me. I don’t take kindly to apprentices helping my enemies.”

  Gulp. Princess Pulverizer wasn’t sure if that was a warning—or if the wizard was actually on to her. Either way, it was making her very nervous.

  Maybe it was best if she left without trying to rescue Lester the Jester.

  Why should she risk spending her life covered in feathers for a guy who didn’t like her anyway?

  Lester was mean.

  And nasty.

  And not particularly funny.

  Was he really worth rescuing?

  Unfortunately, the answer was yes. It was a knight’s job to save people who were in trouble—whether she liked them or not.

  Princess Pulverizer was going to have to find someone who was pure of heart and have him—or her—open Lester’s cell.

  Because she wasn’t going to be able to do it. If the princess was being honest, she was only interested in saving Lester so she could get closer to her goal of g
etting into Knight School.

  Which was not exactly the way somebody selfless and pure of heart would act.

  Grrr. This was so frustrating. The princess had been in the tower two days already and she was no closer to freeing Lester.

  To make matters worse, there was nothing to eat in this place but liverwurst.

  Liverwurst and eggs for breakfast.

  Liverwurst on white bread for lunch.

  A liverwurst cookie for a snack.

  That cookie had been especially disgusting. Liverwurst doesn’t taste so great when it’s dunked in milk. What Princess Pulverizer wouldn’t give for one of Dribble’s sandwiches right now.

  Princess Pulverizer didn’t just miss Dribble’s cooking. She missed everything about the big guy. The way he smiled when she made a joke, and how he burped when he’d had too much to eat.

  The princess missed Lucas, too. Sure, he was afraid of his own shadow—literally. She had actually seen him try to run away from it! But Lucas was a wonderful friend. He saw the good in everyone. His best friend was a dragon that everyone else feared.

  Even Princess Pulverizer had doubted Dribble when they first met. She had been pretty mean to him. But Lucas didn’t even know how to be mean. He was . . .

  Selfless and pure of heart! That was it. Lucas was going to have to be the one to free Lester the Jester!

  It was the perfect plan.

  Except for one little detail.

  Well, a big detail, actually.

  Lucas wasn’t in the tower. He was out in the woods with Dribble. And the princess had no way of getting a message to him.

  She couldn’t just ask to go for a walk in the woods. The wizard was watching her way too closely. And he might not let her back in.

  Coo. Coo. Jacob flapped his wings and moved sadly to the other side of the coop.

  “Stop that!” the Wizard of Wurst shouted. “I can’t teach if you’re making noise.”

  Coo. Coo, the pigeon repeated.

  “Sometimes I just want to let that pigeon loose in the forest,” the wizard groaned angrily to Princess Pulverizer. “But with my luck, he’d fly right back here.”

  Princess Pulverizer’s eyes opened wide. Her heart thumped excitedly. The Wizard of Wurst didn’t know it, but he’d just given her a great idea.

  Now she knew how to get a message to Dribble and Lucas!

  As the Wizard of Wurst went back into his office, Princess Pulverizer snuck a few bits of bread from her sandwich into Jacob’s cage.

  The pigeon pecked hungrily at the scraps and looked up at the princess gratefully.

  Princess Pulverizer smiled and snuck him a few more pieces of bread. It was important that she be on the pigeon’s good side.

  After all, Jacob was going to have to be the one to save the day!

  That night, after the Wizard of Wurst went to bed, Princess Pulverizer snuck out of the small room near the stairs that she had chosen as her bedroom. She tiptoed quietly onto the balcony outside the wizard’s office. Then she walked over to the pigeon coop and knelt down so Jacob could hear her clearly.

  “I’m going to set you free,” she whispered to the pigeon.

  Jacob looked up at her curiously and cooed.

  “Shhhh . . . ,” the princess warned nervously. The last thing she needed was for Jacob to wake the Wizard of Wurst.

  “I need you to fly this note to my friends in the woods,” Princess Pulverizer explained as she held up a small slip of paper. “After that, you can try to find your way home. Maybe the Wild Witch of Sandwich knows how to turn you back into a person.”

  Jacob cooed and nodded his head up and down.

  He understood!

  Or at least Princess Pulverizer hoped he understood. It was hard to tell. Pigeons were always cooing and nodding their heads up and down.

  Princess Pulverizer opened the pigeon coop and carried Jacob over to the edge of the balcony. She tucked her note into his beak, held him up, and . . .

  Uh-oh.

  There was a slight problem with Princess Pulverizer’s plan.

  Make that a huge problem.

  She didn’t know where to point the pigeon.

  Princess Pulverizer looked out over the vast forest below. Dribble and Lucas could be hiding anywhere out there.

  Just then, Princess Pulverizer saw billowy smoke coming from a cluster of giant evergreen trees that were very close by.

  Dribble made a lot of smoke when he cooked grilled cheese.

  That had to be them—it just had to be.

  “Okay, Jacob,” Princess Pulverizer said as she set the pigeon free. “Fly to where you see the smoke. Give my friends the message.”

  Princess Pulverizer crossed her fingers for luck as Jacob took off into the night sky. She needed the pigeon to get that message to Dribble and Lucas.

  Lester the Jester’s freedom—and the fate of Salamistonia—depended on it.

  Chapter 8

  Princess Pulverizer looked to the left.

  She looked to the right.

  She twiddled her thumbs.

  And wiggled her toes.

  The waiting was making her crazy. It was morning already, and Lucas and Dribble had still not arrived.

  Scary thoughts were flying through the princess’s brain.

  What if Jacob hadn’t gotten her message to them?

  What if Jacob had gotten her message to them but they’d decided not to come?

  What if they had gotten lost on their way to the tower?

  And then there was the scariest thought of all: What was going to happen to her when the Wizard of Wurst discovered Jacob was gone? Without Dribble and Lucas to help her, it would be just her against the wizard.

  Princess Pulverizer didn’t like those odds one bit.

  “ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?” the Wizard of Wurst bellowed at her.

  That snapped Princess Pulverizer back to attention. “Yes. I’m listening.”

  “Good,” the wizard said. “Now, because we are outside, you have to be very careful with the way you aim the wand. There are no walls to contain your magic.”

  Princess Pulverizer nodded.

  “You see that snake?” the wizard asked, pointing to a green-and-yellow garden snake resting beneath a big apple tree. “Turn it into a cow. We need fresh milk.”

  Princess Pulverizer walked over to the snake and pointed her wand. “Sorry about this,” she whispered to him. Then, in a loud, firm voice, she chanted, “We can’t drink snake poison if we want to live. So turn this snake to a bovine with fresh milk to give.”

  There was a flash of green smoke. When it cleared, the princess saw a long, thin vine with green and yellow leaves slithering up the side of the tower.

  “What have you done now?” the Wizard of Wurst asked angrily.

  “I just tried to turn the snake into a cow,” the princess told him.

  “But you didn’t say cow,” the wizard pointed out. “You said bovine.”

  “Which is another word for cow,” Princess Pulverizer insisted. “I was being creative.”

  “Did I say you could be creative?” the Wizard of Wurst shouted. “You are the worst wizard’s apprentice ever!”

  A slow grin began to form on Princess Pulverizer’s lips.

  “What are you smiling about?” the wizard demanded angrily.

  “Um . . . nothing,” Princess Pulverizer lied.

  Actually, the princess had good reason to smile. She had just spotted Lucas and Dribble sneaking out from the woods.

  Luckily, the wizard hadn’t heard anyone sneaking up behind him.

  The Queen of Shmergermeister’s ruby ring was sitting on the tip of Dribble’s tail. So the dragon was walking in complete silence. And since Lucas was riding on Dribble’s back, his feet weren’t making any sounds, either.

 
Princess Pulverizer was very impressed. Putting the ring on Dribble’s tail was a stroke of genius. The wizard had no idea . . .

  “AAAAACHOOOOOO!”

  Suddenly, Dribble let out one of his giant dragon-sized sneezes.

  The sneeze was so loud and powerful, it knocked the wizard to the ground with a thud. His magic wand flew out of his hand.

  Princess Pulverizer frowned. So much for the element of surprise.

  “Sorry,” Dribble apologized. He wiped a dragon-sized booger from his nostril. “I have allergies.”

  Before the wizard had a chance to get back on his feet, Princess Pulverizer leaped into action, ripping the vine from the wall and wrapping it tightly around the wizard’s body, making sure his legs were bound together and his hands were tied tightly to his sides. Now, even if the wizard could somehow reach his magic wand, he wouldn’t be able to aim it.

  “You traitor!” the Wizard of Wurst cried out.

  Princess Pulverizer was sick and tired of hearing the wizard’s ranting and raving. She grabbed an apple and shoved it into his mouth. Now he couldn’t speak, either.

  Lucas and Dribble stared at her in amazement.

  “I’ve never seen anyone move so fast before,” Lucas said.

  Princess Pulverizer smiled proudly. But this was no time for compliments. It probably wouldn’t take long for the wizard to untangle himself from the vines. So unless they wanted to become worms, pigeons, footstools, or something much, much worse, she knew they’d better get moving.

  “Come on, you guys,” Princess Pulverizer ordered as she raced toward the tower. “We’ve got a jester to free!”

  Chapter 9

  “Why me?” Lucas asked a few minutes later. He was facing a corner of the room, several steps away from Lester’s cage, shaking with fright.

  “Because you’re the only one who can do it,” Princess Pulverizer insisted.

  “But I don’t want to be the one who breaks the Wizard of Wurst’s magic spell,” Lucas insisted. “If I do, I’ll be the one he’s maddest at.”