Worse, Worser, Wurst

by Nancy Krulik

  “You have to open the lock, Lucas,” Princess Pulverizer insisted. “I can’t do it, because I’m not selfless or pure of heart.”

  “What about Dribble?” Lucas asked her.

  “I don’t have thumbs,” Dribble explained. “You can’t turn a key without thumbs.”

  Lucas frowned. “I never thought of that.”

  “It’s not always easy being a dragon,” Dribble admitted.

  “Hey, big guy,” Lester called to Dribble. “You know what time it is when a dragon sits on your fence?”

  “What time?” Dribble asked him.

  “Time to get a new fence.” Lester started laughing.

  “That’s not funny,” Dribble replied.

  “Everybody’s a critic,” the jester muttered under his breath.

  “This is no time for joking around, Lester,” Princess Pulverizer told him. “We’ve got to get you out of here. Please, Lucas. You just have to—”

  But before Princess Pulverizer could finish her sentence, she heard the wizard’s angry voice coming from the hallway.

  “MOVE IT!” he shouted.

  Uh-oh! The wizard had obviously spit out the apple the princess had shoved in his mouth. Now he was free to bark orders.

  But how had he managed to get up the stairs with his arms and legs tied up?

  The princess ran to the doorway—just in time to see a whole army of worms slithering right toward her.

  The worms were carrying the Wizard of Wurst down the hall on their backs!

  “Faster, you army of spineless, slimy slitherers!” the Wizard of Wurst commanded. “Or I will turn you into something a lot worse than worms!”

  The worms slithered faster. They were obviously taking the wizard’s threats very seriously.

  Princess Pulverizer gulped. “Come on, Lucas,” she said, trying to remain calm. “You have to free Lester right now. The Wizard of Wurst is on his way!”

  “Bet you can’t say that five times fast,” Lester joked.

  Princess Pulverizer ignored him. “Please, Lucas,” she urged.

  But by now the wizard had arrived. The very sight of him made Lucas shake.

  “Don’t worry about the wizard,” Princess Pulverizer said. “He can’t do anything without his magic wand.”

  “Look behind me,” the Wizard of Wurst told her.

  Uh-oh. Out in the hallway, the princess spotted a long, skinny worm. He was slithering along with the wizard’s magic wand on his back.

  Lucas began to cry.

  “There’s nothing to worry about,” Princess Pulverizer soothed. “The wizard’s arms are tied to his sides. He can’t aim his wand. He can’t even reach it.”

  The wizard shot Princess Pulverizer an evil grin. “That’s what you think,” he replied. Then he barked out a new order. “Mouse! Start chewing! Or else!”

  Immediately, a tiny frightened mouse scurried to the wizard’s side and began chomping away at the vine that was wrapped around his body.

  Within seconds, the Wizard of Wurst was free. He leaped to his feet and grabbed his wand.

  “FROZEN WITH FEAR, ARE YOU?” the wizard asked Lucas. “I can make sure you stay that way.”

  “Wh-wh-what does that mean?” Lucas stammered.

  The wizard pointed his wand straight at Lucas. “You’ve come to release Lester. But your mission is lost. With a wave of my wand, you’ll be frozen in fro—”

  “No, you don’t!” Princess Pulverizer shouted out. Before the wizard could finish the word frost, she leaped in front of Lucas—without a single thought for her own safety.

  “Aachoo!” Dribble sneezed wildly. His tail swung around, and bam—knocked the magic wand right out of the wizard’s hand!

  Princess Pulverizer reached out and caught the wand in midair.

  “Frost!” the wizard said, finishing his spell.

  “I’m rubber, you’re glue!” Princess Pulverizer called back to him, waving the wand at the wizard. “Your words bounce off me and stick to you.”

  It was a lousy spell, and the princess knew it.

  There was a good chance that any minute now she’d be frozen solid.

  Suddenly, there was a flash of ice-blue smoke. And when it cleared . . .

  The Wizard of Wurst was standing there. Frozen. He looked like an ice statue.

  But Princess Pulverizer wasn’t even a bit chilly.

  Princess Pulverizer stared at the Wizard of Wurst with surprise.

  That spell couldn’t have worked.

  It shouldn’t have worked.

  Except it had.

  “You did it!” Dribble cheered.

  “Okay, Lucas, you’re safe now,” Princess Pulverizer assured her pal. “Open the lock.”

  Lucas moved closer to Lester’s cage. But his hand was shaking so hard, he could not fit the key into the lock. “I—I—I can’t do it,” he stammered helplessly. “I can’t stop shaking. It takes me a while to calm down.”

  Unfortunately, they didn’t have a while. Princess Pulverizer slumped. “I’m out of ideas,” she admitted. “I’m sorry, Lester.”

  “This isn’t over,” Dribble insisted.

  Princess Pulverizer gave him a sad, defeated look. “It is, Dribble,” she said. “Lucas can’t do this. He’s too afraid.”

  “But you’re not,” Dribble reminded her. “You’re never afraid.”

  That wasn’t exactly true. Princess Pulverizer was afraid sometimes.

  Not that it mattered. “Fear isn’t the problem,” she explained. “I can’t open the lock because I’m not selfless or pure of heart.”

  Dribble shook his head. “I just saw you jump in front of Lucas when you thought the wizard might hurt him. If you ask me, that was pretty selfless. And pure of heart.”

  Hmmm . . . That’s true.

  “It’s worth a try,” Princess Pulverizer agreed finally. She took the key from Lucas and inserted it into the lock. Then, ever so slowly, she gave it a turn.

  CLICK.

  The lock popped open!

  “Woohoo!” Lester pushed open the door of his cage. “I’m out of here!”

  “Right behind you!” Princess Pulverizer started toward the door, stopping only to admire the Wizard of Wurst’s wand in her hand. It was proof of the good deed she had just accomplished. She knew her father would be impressed.

  “Come on, Lucas,” Dribble said. “It’s time to go.”

  But Lucas wouldn’t move. He just stood there. Petrified. Again.

  “What are you afraid of now?” Dribble asked him. “The wizard can’t hurt us. He’s frozen solid.”

  Lucas pointed at the army of worms. “I hate creepy-crawly things.”

  “Don’t be afraid of them,” Princess Pulverizer said. “They were once an army, mighty and strong. But to fear them now is just plain wrong.”

  Poof! Suddenly, there was a flash of purple smoke. And when it cleared . . .

  Princess Pulverizer was standing face-to-face with an army of soldiers.

  Tall, strong soldiers.

  Soldiers who had swords.

  “What did you just do?” Dribble asked Princess Pulverizer nervously.

  “I must have been aiming the wand at the worms when I said they were an army, mighty and strong,” Princess Pulverizer answered. “I didn’t mean it to be a spell.”

  “You gotta be more careful where you point that thing,” Lucas told her.

  As if being surrounded by armed soldiers wasn’t bad enough, the sun was now high in the sky. The tower was getting warm. Before long, the wizard would defrost. And when he did, he was sure to be angry.

  The princess and her friends had to get out of the tower.

  Unfortunately, the soldiers had them surrounded.

  “Um . . . what’s that guy doing?” Dribble pointed to a soldie
r who had just pulled his sword from its sheath.

  Lucas started to cry. Again. “We’re done for!”

  Princess Pulverizer didn’t blame Lucas for being afraid. This time, it really did seem like they were in trouble.

  She stared up at the soldier’s long, sharp sword, and studied his angry, mean . . .

  Hey! Wait a minute.

  The soldier didn’t look mean.

  Or angry.

  Or scary.

  And he wasn’t aiming his sword at her, either. He was raising it victoriously straight up in the air.

  And he was smiling.

  In fact, all the soldiers were smiling.

  “Hail, hail Princess Pulverizer!” another soldier cried out, raising his sword in victory, too. “She’s freed us.”

  Soon, all the soldiers were cheering. “Three cheers for Princess Pulverizer!”

  “Whoa!” Princess Pulverizer gasped as one of the soldiers lifted her in the air.

  Whoops. The magic wand slipped from the princess’s hand as she struggled to hold on to the soldier’s shoulders.

  “Somebody grab that wand!” the princess shouted.

  But the soldiers didn’t hear her. They were cheering too loudly. “Hip, hip, hooray for Princess Pulverizer!”

  Crack.

  Crunch.

  Snap.

  As they marched out of the tower, the soldiers stomped on the wizard’s magic wand, breaking it into pieces.

  So much for proof of the princess’s good deed.

  “What a waste of time,” she grumbled as the army carried her out of the tower and onto the road that led to Salamistonia.

  “It wasn’t a waste of time,” Dribble disagreed, as he marched alongside her with Lucas on his back. “You turned the worms back into soldiers.”

  “And you freed Lester the Jester,” Lucas added.

  From her perch high up on the soldier’s shoulders, Princess Pulverizer could see Lester the Jester happily leaping and spinning his way down the road.

  “I really relish the idea of finally eating a delicious salami on rye,” Lester shouted gleefully. “Get it? Relish?”

  “That’s the wurst joke I ever heard,” Dribble groaned. “Besides, I’d rather have a grilled cheese sandwich.”

  “Do you know what you call the watery cheese you find around a castle?” Princess Pulverizer asked Dribble.

  “No,” the dragon replied. “What?”

  “Moat-zarella cheese!” Princess Pulverizer laughed at her own joke.

  Dribble and Lucas started laughing, too. So did a few of the soldiers.

  But Lester wasn’t laughing. “Stop being such a ham,” he called back to her. “I’m the jester here, remember?”

  Chapter 10

  “So I told the vegetarian, you’re making a big mis-steak!” Lester the Jester said, finishing a joke he’d been telling in the King of Salamistonia’s banquet hall that evening.

  Everyone in the room started laughing.

  Well, everyone except Dribble, Lucas, and Princess Pulverizer, anyway.

  “I don’t get it,” Dribble whispered.

  “Me either,” Lucas admitted. “But everyone else is laughing. Maybe we’re missing something.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Princess Pulverizer told her friends. “The point is Lester’s back, and the people of Salamistonia are happy again.”

  Dribble took a lick of his dessert and made a face. “Why would anyone think a salami-flavored ice cream sundae was a good idea? This stuff is gross.”

  “I know,” Lucas agreed. “What’s this gooey yellow gunk dripping all over the ice cream?”

  “Mustard sauce,” Princess Pulverizer told him.

  “I can’t eat this stuff,” Dribble groaned.

  “Shhh . . . ,” Princess Pulverizer whispered. “The king is about to speak.”

  All eyes turned to the head of the table as the King of Salamistonia stood and raised his goblet.

  “I’d like to thank the person responsible for bringing laughter back to Salamistonia,” the king said.

  Lester stood up tall. He puffed his chest proudly.

  “To Princess Pulverizer!” the king continued.

  “To Princess Pulverizer,” the guests echoed, raising their drinks as well.

  Lester slumped over and frowned. “Hey, what about me?” he muttered.

  The King of Salamistonia smiled at Princess Pulverizer. “Thank you,” he said.

  “You’re welcome,” Princess Pulverizer replied. “But I didn’t do it alone.”

  Once again, Lester stood tall and puffed his chest.

  “Lucas and Dribble helped a great deal,” the princess continued.

  Lester groaned. “I don’t get any respect,” he said.

  “We are a team,” Princess Pulverizer said, smiling at Lucas and Dribble. “It takes the power of three to defeat evil people like the Wizard of Wurst.”

  “I salute all three of you,” the king replied. “And as a token of my gratitude, I am presenting you with this sword.”

  Princess Pulverizer smiled as she took the sword from the King of Salamistonia. Now she had a token she could show her father.

  “Thank you,” she told the king. “I will treasure it.”

  “I hope you will also use it,” the king said. “Because that sword has magical powers. It can reveal when someone is being untruthful.”

  Lucas looked at the sword. “How can a sword do that?” he wondered.

  “All you have to do is point it directly at someone,” the king explained. “If he is telling the truth, the sword will remain still. But if he is lying, it will begin to quiver.”

  “That is sure to come in handy,” Princess Pulverizer agreed. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” the king replied. “I hope you all enjoyed your dinner tonight.”

  “It was delicious,” Dribble told him.

  Princess Pulverizer pointed the sword at the dragon. Instantly, it began to quiver.

  Dribble’s cheeks turned purple—which was what happened whenever the dragon was embarrassed. “Um . . . I mean . . . it . . .”

  The king laughed. “Salami-flavored ice cream isn’t for everyone,” he admitted.

  Then he turned to Lester. “Isn’t there something you want to tell our guests?” he asked the jester.

  “Sure,” Lester agreed. “Do you know what the groceries said when the lettuce brought a salami to the party?”

  The king shook his head. “No kidding around, Lester. You need to thank them for freeing you.”

  “Oh, that,” Lester said. “Thank you. I’m really glad to be home again. And that’s no joke.”

  “You’re welcome,” Princess Pulverizer replied. She reached out and shook his hand.

  “So, I guess this is goodbye, then,” Lester said.

  “Oh, we’re not saying goodbye,” Princess Pulverizer replied.

  “We’re not?” Dribble asked.

  “You mean we’re staying here?” Lucas wondered. He sounded very confused.

  “No, we’re leaving,” the princess assured her friends. “But we’re not saying goodbye. We’re saying, ‘Until we meat again!’”

  The quest continues . . .

  And now, here’s a sneak peek at the next

  Bad Moooove!

  “Cheddar, swiss, and fresh ricotta.

  Grilled cheese on rye is a party start-a.

  Gouda, brie, and a mild havarti.

  Cheese is welcome at any party.

  Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Dribble the dragon was happily singing his favorite song as his best friend, Lucas, danced along. They were both in a really good mood this sunny morning.

  “I love that song,” Lucas said as he kicked his legs and wiggled his hips. Clink. Clank. Clunk. His hea
vy suit of armor set the beat as he danced.

  “Me too,” Dribble agreed. “Who doesn’t love a good cheese song?”

  Princess Pulverizer, that’s who.

  The princess wasn’t enjoying Dribble’s song at all. She was sitting by the riverbank with her hands clapped over her ears. She had a really sour look on her face. Even more sour than a big hunk of tyrolean gray cheese.

  But Dribble and Lucas weren’t about to let a grumpy princess stop their fun. So Dribble kept singing. And Lucas kept dancing.

  “Roquefort, taleggio, and a smelly blue. The stinkier the better, they say that’s true.”

  “Will you cut that out?!” Princess Pulverizer shouted angrily.

  Dribble stopped singing.

  Lucas stopped dancing.

  They both stared at her.

  “Come on,” Dribble said, trying to urge the princess out of her bad mood. “It’s a gorgeous day. The birds are tweeting. The crickets are chirping. Everyone’s singing.”

  “And you’re all making me nuts,” Princess Pulverizer replied.

  “Why are you in such a lousy mood?” Lucas asked the princess.

  “Because we’re just sitting here, doing nothing,” Princess Pulverizer told him.

  “No we’re not,” Lucas said. “Dribble is singing. And I’m dancing.”

  “But you’re not supposed to be singing and dancing,” Princess Pulverizer told Lucas. “We are supposed to be out there helping people. That’s what a Quest of Kindness is all about.”

  “Oh, that again.” Dribble groaned.

  “Yes, that again,” Princess Pulverizer told him. “We haven’t helped anyone since we freed Lester the Jester from the clutches of the evil Wizard of Wurst.”

  “That’s because we haven’t come across anyone in trouble,” Lucas said. “Which, if you think about it, is a good thing.”

  “No it’s not,” Princess Pulverizer insisted.

  Dribble and Lucas stared at her.

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” Princess Pulverizer explained. “I don’t like seeing people in trouble. But I really do need to find someone to save. You guys understand that, don’t you?”