His Cowboy Heart

by Jennifer Ryan

“Jamie, honey, I’m really okay, but you look a little worse for wear. Are you okay? I hate that what happened reminded you so much of your past.” Sammy absently pet Zoey as she slept at his side.

  Jamie went past Colt and Luna and leaned over his grandfather. “I’m okay, because you’re okay. He loves you so much.” She looked around at all of them. “They all do. You’re really lucky to have so many people to love and support you.”

  “Anything you need, honey, we’re here for you.” Granddad reached for her hand and held it tight.

  Jamie surprised Ford and leaned down and kissed his grandfather on the head next to the bandage without an ounce of reluctance. “I’ll leave you with your family. There’s something I have to do. Thank you for what you said in the truck. It helped.”

  Ford had no idea what she meant. Judging by the faces of his family around him, neither did they, but his grandfather nodded in acknowledgment.

  Jamie walked toward the door, leaving Zoey on the bed and not saying anything to him. He stopped her before she left. “Where are you going?”

  “I need to ask Dr. Bowden something.”

  He finally put together her tense stance, inability to move fluidly, and the crease in her brow drawing her pain-filled eyes together.

  “You’re in pain.”

  “I forget to bring my meds with me.” She leaned in close and whispered, “I hurt my back and shoulder lifting him. It’s not that big a deal compared to what he’s been through. Take care of him. I’ll take care of me.”

  He grabbed her arm before she left. “Jamie,” he pleaded, but he didn’t know what for. He wanted her to let him back in, not hold him off because of what happened between them. Right now, he didn’t care about any of it. He only cared about the misery etched on her face, stiffening her body, and pulling her away from him.

  She pried his hand from her arm. “There’s something I need to do. Stay with your family.”

  “Do not leave. I will drive you . . . wherever you want to go.” He hated that he didn’t know where she wanted to be right now.

  She slipped out the door and closed it. He kept his back to his family trying to figure out his own head and heart.

  “Is everything okay?” Sadie asked.

  “No. Yes.” He turned to them, gripped the end of his grandfather’s bed, and squeezed his hands tight. “I don’t know.”

  “She looks haunted,” Luna said. “She’s really having a rough time. I feel so bad for her.”

  “Yeah, well, it doesn’t help that something happened and it’s driven a wedge between us,” he admitted. He looked at his grandfather. “What did you say to her in the truck? What helped her? Because sometimes I feel like nothing I say or do is right or helpful or even gets through to her.”

  “You don’t believe that.” His grandfather continued to pet Zoey’s head as she slept. “Zoey helped. Your love helps. Even your anger and frustration helps. You have no idea what it’s like to take a life. To watch someone you’ve fought beside and lived with die right before your eyes in such a brutal way.”

  They’d all heard stories of their grandfather’s time in the military, but nothing too terrible. Mostly stories about buddies he’d served with and some wild antics. Probably because their grandfather didn’t want to scare them with war stories.

  “She never said she shot anyone. Did she tell you that?”

  “She didn’t have to. I see it in her. She’s a soldier, Ford. She’s trained to fight in combat.”

  “She drove a truck.”

  “A very dangerous job when the enemy not only wants you dead, but what you’re carrying, and they’ll stop at nothing to get both. Cut off the supply chain, you gain ground, supplies, and you can win. She was a target every day she did her job. You think she drove back and forth and nothing ever happened. That girl has more guts than you can possibly imagine. Every day she fights to stay alive. Every day she remembers who she is, what she did, what she lost. Those thoughts are so heavy in her mind, processing anything else is just too much sometimes. She’s rooted in discipline and duty. You’ve given some of that back to her, but it takes time to settle into a new life, a new routine. She’s done well. You’ve said so yourself, but you have to expect setbacks.

  “Pick the worst thing that ever happened to you and amplify it by ten thousand. That still isn’t enough to compare to what happened to her in the middle of that war. Your mind isn’t meant to endure the things she’s seen and done. That’s why we call the flashbacks in her mind nightmares. Let me tell you, that doesn’t begin to describe the terror she goes through.”

  “Granddad, I know she’s hurting. I’ve seen her in the grips of one of those nightmares. They scare the shit out of me and I don’t even see what she’s seeing.”

  “No. But you see what she goes through and it scares you to not be able to protect her from that recurring trauma. That’s a mild version of what she feels about not being able to protect the friends she lost.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

  “You are a good man, Ford. You have done everything you can for her. Keep doing it. In time, her mind will heal. I hope you can hold on long enough for that to happen because she’s a remarkable woman.”

  “I know that. There is no way in hell I’m letting her go. Not this time.”

  “You never said, Grandpa Sammy, what you told her in the truck.” Luna squeezed his hand.

  Grandpa Sammy looked up at Ford. “Deep down, she believes she’s broken. I told her she’s damaged. Damaged can be fixed. I told her that what she saw, what she did, was a terrible thing, but she is not the terrible thing.” Granddad’s gaze bored into Ford’s. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but if it’s not completely broken, it can be fixed if you want it.”

  He did want it. He wanted her and the life he dreamed of, with them living on the ranch and raising a family, just like his brothers had found with their wives, the women they’d fought to hold on to, too.

  He left his grandfather’s room without a word in search of where Jamie had run off to earlier. She’d said she needed to talk to Bell. He found the doc standing outside one of the draped cubicles on the other side of the reception area.

  “Bell.”

  “Ford. Everything all right with your granddad?”

  “Yes. He’s fine. Did Jamie come and find you?”

  “A little while ago.” Deep concern filled Bell’s eyes. “She needs to get some sleep.”

  “Did you give her the meds she asked for?”

  Surprise filled Bell’s eyes. “She didn’t ask me for any meds. She asked to use a computer.”

  “What?”

  “She said she needed to contact her psychiatrist.”

  Surprised, he scrunched up one side of his mouth. It wasn’t her usual day or time to talk to Dr. Porter. “She did?”

  “It’s a good sign, Ford. She had a difficult day. Instead of letting it overwhelm her to the point where she can’t cope, she wants to speak to someone who can help her make sense of it.”

  Yeah, she needed the kind of help he couldn’t give her. He wanted to make her better. He wanted to be the reason she got better. But he really needed to face the fact that Jamie needed to do it herself. He couldn’t fix everything, though he tried damn hard.

  Though she faltered last night, she found her inner strength again today to come after him to make things right, to save his grandfather. She knew she needed help and asked for it from her doctor. She needed him, but he needed to be with his grandfather, and she’d pushed him to do that for his sake.

  She put him first, not herself. “Where is she?”

  “In my office in the adjoining building. Second floor.”

  “Thanks, Doc. I appreciate you helping her.”

  “I just lent her my computer. She literally brought your grandfather back from the dead.”

  Ford took a second to absorb that statement. He raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t believe after all she’s been through, s
he ends up saving him like that.”

  “She’s trying to save herself, too, Ford.”

  “I know she is. She’s so damn strong. Sometimes she doesn’t give herself enough credit for everything she does to get through the day.”

  “She’s got you to remind her. When are you going to marry her?”

  “I still have to ask her.” The answer surprised not only Bell, but himself.

  He planned to do it when she was well again. But what if what his grandfather was trying to tell him was true, that her healing was a long road with many setbacks and turns with no real end in sight? That Jamie would have to find a way to deal with what happened and work to make the good days outnumber the bad. He could live with that, so long as he had Jamie by his side. They’d make a life together. The best life they could have despite the obstacles they’d face. They’d do it together.

  Chapter 29

  Jamie clicked off the call to Dr. Porter and sat back in Dr. Bowden’s chair. The office was filled with books and plants, a nice place to enjoy the quiet for a few minutes. She needed time to compose her thoughts about what she’d say to Ford.

  “Jamie.”

  Her gaze shot up to him standing in the doorway, hesitant to come in and see her.

  “Are you done, or do you need more time to talk to your doctor?”

  She sighed. “I’m done. How did you know I was here?”

  “Bell told me you needed someone to talk to.” He hung his head. “I’m glad you turned to your doctor, but I’m sorry I made it hard for you to talk to me.”

  “I made it hard for me to talk to you, because I acted irresponsibly.”

  He looked up at her again, his lips tilted in a sardonic half frown. “I can’t imagine the toll it takes on you physically and mentally to work so hard every single minute of the day and have all that hard work fall apart on you the second an old friend knocks on the door.”

  “I lost it.”

  He nodded. “Yes, you did. But that doesn’t mean you’ve lost all the ground you’ve made up since you got home. It doesn’t mean you start over. You start from where you left off and keep working at it.” Ford walked into the room, took the chair in front of Dr. Bowden’s desk, and brought it around to sit next to her.

  She spun the swivel chair to face him, though it cost her to move. A rippling fire of pain burned in her shoulders and down her back.

  Ford read the pain in her eyes. “You’re really hurting.”

  “It’s nothing compared to how I feel about losing you.”

  Ford leaned in and took her hand. “You haven’t lost me, Jamie.”

  “I know you’re grateful I saved your grandfather, but that doesn’t excuse what happened last night.”

  “Did you have sex with Tobin?” He bit the vile words out.

  The thought made her stomach quiver. “No. Absolutely not.” She pressed her lips together. “I didn’t remember very much this morning, thanks to the epic hangover, which I deserve, but over the last several hours more and more has come back to me.”

  He touched the worry crease between her brows. “What’s bothering you?”

  “He wanted you to think we slept together.”

  “Yeah, I got that.”

  “I made it very clear I plan to stay here. I told him that I love you. Not that it was any surprise to him. I’ve been in love with you forever.”

  Ford brought her hand to his lips and kissed her palm.

  “You’re very sweet, but please stop moving me.” She clenched her jaw.

  He gently set her hand back on her thigh. “You’re really in a lot of pain.”

  “I don’t pop those pills for show.”

  He looked around for her purse, which she’d left in her truck at his house. “Where are your meds?”

  “I left them at home. I forgot to grab them on my mad dash out to find you.”

  “Come on, we’ll go get them. Maybe Bell has something she can give you before we go.”

  “No, wait. I have to tell you what happened.”

  “What?” He didn’t sound like he wanted to know if it had to do with Tobin.

  “Before you arrived for dinner, Tobin told me that I froze in the middle of the battle. My friends needed me, and I didn’t do anything.”

  Ford’s eyes narrowed. “That can’t be right.”

  It didn’t feel right. “Why do you say that?” She really needed to hear his thoughts.

  “A guy’s pointing a rocket propelled grenade launcher at you. You don’t sit there, you make a run for it and jump out of the truck.”

  True.

  “You sense a threat at your door, you get a gun, ready to shoot whoever is on the other side.”

  True.

  “The shed is burning and you know I’m in there, and the fire doesn’t stop you from busting me out, despite how it reminds you of what happened to your back.”

  True again.

  “You find my grandfather dead in the truck. You bring him back. Jamie, you don’t freeze. You act. Every time, even when you aren’t in your right mind. Even if you did freeze that one time, you were burned, in terrible pain, scared, and under attack, an imminent threat all around you. You can’t blame yourself for your brain being unable to process all of that and more and still act in such dire circumstances. And why the hell would he tell you that, knowing you were in a bad place?”

  “He made it sound like I was to blame, but I sensed an ulterior motive.”

  Ford’s eyebrow cocked up. “Like what?”

  “He’s very adamant about you being bad for me.”

  “He’s jealous.”

  “A little, but it’s something else.”

  “I don’t know where you’re going with this, Jamie. He wants you.” Anger flashed in his eyes. “He slept in your bed last night to let you and me know that’s where he wants to be.”

  “I think he did it more to make sure you left me.”

  “If he doesn’t want you for himself, why?”

  “Because I told him that because of you I’ve been able to recover more of my memory of that time and not fight it because I know no matter how dark my world gets you’ll pull me back into the light.”

  “Ah, Firefly, you’re the one who lights up my world.”

  She smiled and sighed out her relief that she hadn’t irrevocably damaged the bond they shared.

  “I wish I could express how much your love lights me up inside.”

  Ford squeezed her hand. “When you smile, I can see it.”

  “You make me want to smile all the time, even when I can’t see any reason to smile.”

  “I want to kiss you so damn bad, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You should really stop talking yourself out of kissing me.” She’d said something similar to him in the stables in the early days, when their relationship had been even more tenuous than it was this morning.

  Ford stood, planted his hands on the chair arms, and leaned in and kissed her softly. His warm lips brushed hers in a soft caress, then settled over hers and held. Love poured into her in a soft warm wave that temporarily numbed the pain and made everything all right. He broke the kiss, leaned back, and stared down into her upturned gaze. “I love you. Everything else we can figure out, but that I know.”

  “I love you, too. That’s why I think you should stay away from me.”

  “What? No.”

  “Tobin wants me away from you because he thinks that I’ll remember my past if I have you to help me break through the block in my mind. He doesn’t want me to remember something. What, I don’t know, but if he’s willing to come all this way to make sure it doesn’t happen, what will he do if he thinks I will remember and you can help me with that?”

  Ford fell back into the seat in front of her. “Jamie, that’s a little far-fetched, don’t you think? Isn’t it more reasonable to think that he wants to break us up so he can have you for himself?”

  “I’m telling you he doesn’t want me to know something about what h
appened that day. He wants me to believe I’m better off never remembering.”

  “If you truly believe that, then I’m definitely not leaving you alone. If he thinks you will remember, what if he comes after you next?”

  Jamie hadn’t actually considered that. “What could I possibly know that would make him want to stop me from remembering?”

  “I’m not convinced that’s really what he’s doing here. He has to know that seeing him might spark your memory.”

  “His arrival sparked my survival instinct. I went full-on defensive and got a loaded gun. Even when I saw him, something inside of me resisted. I tried to talk myself out of it. Tell myself over and over again that he’s a friend. I overreacted. But still, it took everything I had to let him in that door and not shoot him on sight.”

  “Jamie, baby, why didn’t you say anything to me when I arrived?”

  “I was being crazy. Unreasonable. Irrational. Pick your favorite. If you hadn’t shown up, I don’t know what I would have done.”

  “You called for backup.”

  “What?”

  “You went on the defensive and you called for backup by texting me. You fell back on training. My grandfather said something about you being rooted in discipline. It makes sense.”

  “So you believe me.”

  “I believe that you’ve been living on instinct for a long time. Something about him tripped your enemy meter. Why?”

  She let her head fall back against the chair. “I wish I knew.”

  “You’re exhausted, baby. Come on, I’ll take you home.”

  “I can’t go home. There’s a bad man in my house.”

  That made Ford smile. “I meant home with me.”

  “Really?” It seemed too much to hope that they’d gotten past this with one conversation, though she had tried to be as honest and forthcoming as she could to show him she had nothing to hide.

  “You’re sorry. I’m sorry. You won’t do it again. I won’t do it again. Let’s move on. I missed you so damn much and it hasn’t even been a day.”

  “I feel like it’s been a month.”

  He tilted his head, reached out and swept his thumb across her cheek. “You look like you haven’t slept in one.”