In Love and War

by Natalie Brock

  Kay was lost in her thoughts of Alexander. She snapped out of her dream state when Sal touched her arm. She looked at Sal. “Sorry, what did you say?”

  “I asked if you were able to help him -- the English patient.”

  For a moment, Kay wasn’t sure which English patient Sal meant. Then she remembered the RAF officer. God, that seemed like it happened years ago. “Oh. Um. No, he didn’t survive.”

  “Oh. That’s too bad. Was he a relative of Sir Fielding’s?”

  Kay shook her head no. “No, he was a Group Captain with the RAF,” Kay explained the situation in a detached manner. “His plane crashed and went up in flames. He suffered third degree burns all over his body. Poor man lived for several days afterwards, but really, he was barely alive.”

  “Ew. What a horrible way to die.”

  Kay nodded. “There really wasn’t anything I could do for him, except administer painkillers. He must have been in horrible pain, even though he was essentially comatose.”

  Sal nodded. “Like I always say, war is hell. I’m sure you did everything you could do for the poor guy.”

  “I hope so. Oh ... you know something. I think you knew him.”

  “Knew who?”

  “The man who died. He was here. He was training flight crews at our base a couple months ago, when I first arrived. His name was Group Captain Welles. Edward Welles.”

  Sal looked at Kay for a long moment. Kay saw the color drain from Sal’s face and watched Sal clasp her hand over her mouth.

  “Sal? Are you okay?”

  Chapter 66

  “The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the bastards who started it.”

  -- General George S. Patton

  “The man who died. He was here,” Kay told Sal. “He was training flight crews at our base a couple months ago, when I first arrived. His name was Group Captain Welles. Edward Welles.”

  Sal looked at Kay for a long moment. She shivered and her stomach turned. She brought her hand up to her mouth to stifle a gasp.

  “Sal? Are you okay?”

  A sob escaped Sal’s throat. Then another. And another. Then Sal doubled over and crumbled to the floor as the floodgates opened. Tears ran down Sal’s cheeks and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

  She felt Kay sit down beside her on the floor, wrap her arms around Sal, and whisper, “Shhh, it’s okay.” But Sal was inconsolable. She was crying hysterically as Kay cradled Sal’s head against her shoulder and rocked her soothingly.

  Sal had been so stoic up to now, keeping her emotions bottled up like a good little soldier. She didn’t ever want to show weakness, and she always believed that crying was the worst thing she could do. Sal was a realist, and she understood very well that she lived in a man’s world. Crying was for women, and Sal couldn’t afford to act like a woman if she wanted to succeed in the Army.

  But when Kay told her Edward was dead, it all came flooding to the surface and spilling over -- not because she was sad that Edward died, but more because she wished him dead. The day of the rape, the day after, and every day since, she wished he would die. But not just any death. No, Sal wanted him to die a fiery, painful death and to burn in hell. And that’s exactly what happened. Edward put her through her own private hell and now he got exactly what he deserved.

  She didn’t tell anyone about the rape, and now she knew she never would. Sal lifted her head off of Kay’s shoulder as she wiped away the last of her tears.

  “Are you alright?” Kay’s kindness almost moved Sal to tears again. Sal took a deep calming breath and nodded. She held onto the cot as she rose to her feet again. Kay got up too. She took a handkerchief out of her locker and offered it to Sal.

  Sal dabbed her eyes. “Thank you, Dr. Nolan.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Kay asked, her eyes full of kindness.

  “No,” Sal replied sternly. “And I don’t want you to mention this to anyone else either. Is that clear?” Kay nodded and Sal gave her back the handkerchief. She smoothed her uniform, stuck out her chin, then turned and left the dorm.

  Chapter 67

  Every day between breakfast and lunch, Cathy waited by the tree, the tree with “M & C” inside the heart Michael carved. She hadn’t seen him since the day after they spent the night in the barn. And she couldn’t stop thinking of the last thing he said to her. “Don’t worry, Cathy. Everything will be okay. I promise.” Then why didn’t everything feel okay?

  She knew that Michael was taken into custody and confined to his quarters. Still, she figured she’d see him around. His punishment couldn’t be indefinite, could it?

  Cathy sat against the tree and pulled at some strands of grass. She comforted herself by reliving the night in the barn, playing the scene over and over in her mind’s eye, like a movie.

  It was nothing like she expected it to be, nothing like she had heard. The other girls in the orphanage told her stories, mostly horror stories, about how much it was going to hurt, and how guys just used you for sex and tossed you aside. She was told she’d be nothing more than an object and that sex was something most girls merely endured. Those stories sure made sex sound unappealing and she really had no interest in ever trying it ... until Michael.

  All that time she spent practicing kissing Michael in preparation for seducing David, emotions were stirring inside. She was beginning to feel physical urges that were previously unknown to her. Still, she was sure her first sexual experience would be with David.

  The first time she saw Michael -- her first day working as a line server at the Commissary -- she thought he was adorable. A really cute boy. But right behind him in line was David. David was mature, rugged, sexy, a real man. She convinced herself that he was who she wanted. And Cathy was fiercely tenacious when she wanted something. So all the while she was getting to know Michael, she clung tight to the belief that David was the man she just had to have.

  And all that while, she worked so hard not to fall for Michael, but he made it next to impossible. He was charming and attentive, so sure of himself, so confident, yet so accepting of her naiveté and insecurities. It seemed incredible to Cathy that someone like Michael could care so deeply about someone like her. But he did. So when the time finally came to give up her virginity, she was actually glad David was nowhere in sight. It was Michael who was there. And, in spite of everything she’d been telling herself, it was Michael she wanted -- but not because of any bombing. It was because she had fallen in love with him.

  She discovered during that first time, that the experience she was so scared of for so long, was really never anything to fear. Michael was tender. He was kind and gentle. And he seemed more concerned about her than he was about himself -- a very different reality than her peers warned her to expect. It wasn’t fast or rough and it didn’t hurt. In fact, it was surprisingly pleasurable.

  Cathy couldn’t help but smile as she remembered that night -- the deep, endless, passion-filled kisses. The touching, the tickling, the tingling, and especially how loving and reassuring Michael was. If she closed her eyes and concentrated hard, she could still feel Michael’s hands fondling her breasts, and the way those caresses sent an intense sensation to a lower part of her body, making her yearn for consummation. She remembered the warmth of his body linking into hers and feeling like they were one person instead of two.

  Afterwards, they slept on and off in a spooning position, with Michael nested behind her. Locked in his arms, she felt so safe, so contented. He held her close all night, and they made love again and again. And she had to admit she loved it. She loved being loved, and she loved being wanted. And yes, she loved Michael.

  Cathy knew she would remember the night in the barn for the rest of her life. A girl never forgets her first time. And she would always be grateful that her first time was with Michael, a man who truly loved her, a man she truly loved. She knew now that she never wanted to be with any other man ever again. She wanted to spend the rest of her life loving Michael.


  So where was he now that she was ready to tell him how she feels about him? Where was he now that she was ready to give him her whole heart?

  Chapter 68

  May 26, 1944: By now, the troops that would land in Normandy on D-Day and immediately afterwards were in camps all along the south coast of England.

  Kay was operating on a soldier who had several bullet wounds, the worst was caused by a bullet lodged between two of his vertebrae.

  She had to keep reminding herself to concentrate because these days, her mind was a wandering fool. In the weeks since she returned from Merrifield, no matter what else she was doing, saying, seeing, or talking about, daydreams invaded her brain. Sometimes they were closer to fantasies than dreams, and they were always about Alexander. She told herself it was probably because they had unfinished business.

  They spent most of the time she was at Merrifield just dancing around each other. He kept her at arms’ length with his sullen moods and sour disposition, but there was always an undercurrent, always a thread connecting the two of them. She felt it from the first, but it wasn’t until a few days before she left that she knew he felt it too.

  And when he finally revealed that he was interested in her, she thought he was going to be the one. She thought she found a way back to the land of the living and that Alexander Fielding was the one to rescue her. She even allowed herself to fantasize about living with him at Merrifield as Lord and Lady Fielding. What a crock.

  She had only herself to blame for getting so wrapped up in someone she hardly even knew. That wasn’t like her. Kay never jumped into anything without thinking through all the angles. Her mother always said she had a good head on her shoulders. She was analytical, scientific, and calculating, not impulsive and emotional. Except for this one time.

  But it was over.

  It was over and she was never going to see him again and the unfinished business was never going to get finished because Alexander wasn’t the man she imagined him to be. He was certainly no Prince Charming, and she probably wasn’t who he fancied her to be either. At least she learned the truth before any real damage was done, before she made a commitment to him. If nothing else, she was wiser for the experience and she would never take a chance like that on love again. Never.

  “Dr. Nolan! Dr. Nolan!” The sound of a nurse calling her name snapped her out of the daydream. “Are you alright?”

  Kay glanced at the nurse. “Yes, Maxine, thanks. We got the bullets out. It won’t be pretty, but at least he’ll live. Time to close.” Kay sutured the soldier and left the operating station. She breathed a heavy sigh as she pulled off her scrubs and stepped into the clean room.

  She was washing up when Willie, the Company Clerk, entered the room. “Dr. Nolan, the Colonel wants to see you right away,” he said.

  To say Kay was surprised would be an understatement. The Colonel never summoned her. In fact, she wasn’t sure she even knew where the Colonel’s office was, just that it was in the administrative building, a building she never had the need to enter.

  She followed Willie across the Quad to the administrative building, wishing she had taken the time to at least run a comb through her hair. Her heart beat faster and faster as she got closer and closer to the office. She heard her footsteps echoing through the corridor of the building and she was sure that she was going to be informed about some tragedy in her family. She prayed it wasn’t her mother, but prepared herself for the worst.

  Willie knocked once and opened the door to the Colonel’s office. Kay walked up to his desk and said, “You wanted to see me, Colonel Morton?”

  “Dr. Nolan, I presume? There’s someone here to see you.” The Colonel gestured toward the wall behind Kay. She turned around and there was a man seated in a chair. He rose to his feet and Kay’s jaw dropped. It was Alexander.

  Chapter 69

  Alexander looked at his pocket watch, but time had no meaning anymore. What mattered was that the wait was nearly over. Only a few more minutes and Kay would be walking through that door and into his arms.

  He pictured the encounter over and over, ever since Kay left Merrifield. He made up his mind on that day that he would give her some time to cool off, but it wouldn’t be forever. He was determined to go after her, determined to win her back.

  The Colonel tried to make small talk while they waited for Kay, but Alexander was too jittery to talk. He was utterly focused on seeing Kay again, on pleading his case, on making her understand why he deceived her and begging her for forgiveness -- on his knees if necessary. One thing was certain. He was not going back to Merrifield without her.

  At last, the door to the Colonel’s office opened. Kay entered, turned around and her eyes locked with Alexander’s.

  “I’ll give you two some privacy. Take your time.” Colonel Morton walked past Kay and exited his office.

  Kay couldn’t believe she was standing face to face with Alexander. Looking into his gorgeous face with those regal features, grey eyes, and oceans of jet black hair, it was hard for Kay to think. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him. She never expected to see him again, and now, she wasn’t sure whether she was furious with him or thrilled to see him. He clearly took note of the expression on her face.

  “Kay, darling, please don’t be angry with me for coming. I had to see you.”

  Furious, Kay decided. “Do you realize how presumptuous it was of you to come here like this, to come to the place where I work and have me called out of surgery?”

  “I ... I didn’t think they would interrupt you during surgery.”

  “They didn’t. They wouldn’t. Unlike you, the Army has their priorities straight. Life and death are taken very seriously here.”

  “Please don’t minimize my concern about life and death, Kay. You of all people know what I’ve gone through.”

  Kay looked down. She knew exactly how to get to Alexander. She knew the right buttons to press to bring him pain and to bring him joy. And as angry as she was at him, she didn’t really wish to cause him pain. She looked back up at him. “What are you doing here, Alexander?”

  He took a step forward. “As I said ... I couldn’t stay away any longer. I think about you all the time, Kay. In fact, you’re all I can think about lately. I miss you ever so dreadfully.”

  Kay pictured herself throwing her arms around Alexander, kissing him senseless and telling him how much she missed him too. She shook off that fantasy. “I’m sorry to tell you that you wasted your time coming here, Alexander. I can never forgive you for what you did.”

  “Can’t you try, darling?”

  Kay shook her head from side to side. “You deceived me. You lied to me, Alexander. How could I possibly forgive that? You manipulated me into staying at the estate for your own selfish reasons, when I was desperately needed here.”

  “I needed you too, Kay. You know damn well I needed you too.”

  “For a sprained ankle?”

  “No, for heaven’s sake. For a broken soul. A soul I believed was beyond repair until you entered my home. Do you know why I was out on the grounds when Welles’s plane crashed on the property?”

  Kay shook her head no.

  “I was going to end my life. It’s true. I had a pistol in my hand and I was going to shoot myself. But then the plane came crashing to the ground and set my life on a different course. It felt like I’d been given a chance to save a life, to redeem myself, in a manner of speaking. That’s the reason I was so distraught when he expired. It felt like I failed yet again in my effort to save a comrade.”

  Kay often wondered why Welles’s death affected Alexander so deeply. Now she knew.

  Alexander continued his entreaty. “I don’t know why a higher power deemed my life worthy of saving and Welles’s life worthy of sacrificing, but that’s exactly what happened, Kay. He was sacrificed so that I might live ... live to meet you. You came to Merrifield to save the life of one English patient, and you ended up saving the life of another ... mine.”

  Kay was m
oved by what Alexander was saying. She could see that he meant it too, but she was hoping he couldn’t see her resolve melting away because it still didn’t change the fact that he deceived her. “Then why couldn’t you have been honest with me, Alexander?”

  He shook his head. “I should have been. I wish I had been. But ... hell, I’d been alone for so bloody long. I was so out of practice interacting with people, especially women. I was certain that if I told you I had feelings for you and wanted you to stay, you’d run the other way. And then we would never have had a chance. We would never have fallen in love, or made love. And I can’t answer for you, but I wouldn’t trade that for anything. You see, before I met you, I was dead inside. But after? I started to believe there was a reason I survived when all of the other men on that transport died. Do you understand, Kay? That reason is you. No one ... and I mean no one ... has ever made me feel the way you make me feel.”