In Love and War

by Natalie Brock

  -- German soldier Franz Gockel, writing to his family about the landings on Omaha Beach on June 6, 1944.

  Michael’s head dropped back onto the gurney. “Oh God. For the love of God. Why? ... Why? Why the hell am I still alive?” Michael grabbed Mary’s forearm. “Help me, damn it. Do something. You need to do something.”

  As David entered Triage, he saw Mary standing next to a gurney. The wounded soldier on the gurney had a stranglehold on Mary’s forearm. David rushed over and pulled the soldier’s hand off of Mary. “What the hell is going on here? ... Nurse, are you alright?”

  David looked at Mary and saw tears in her eyes. He picked up the soldier’s chart from the floor and started reading the notes that were written by the Air Ambulance team who transported wounded soldiers across the English Channel from Normandy, France to Devon.

  Stepped on a land mine while carrying another soldier to safety. Legs blown off. Sutured in flight.

  David looked at the soldier. The man’s face was dirty and his hair was caked with mud.

  Michael grabbed at David’s shirt and spoke haltingly between coughs. “Doc ... doc ... you have to do something.”

  “Soldier, I’m sorry,” David began. “There’s nothing I can do about your legs....”

  “No, no ... you don’t understand,” Michael winced from pain.

  “I’ll order you a painkiller,” David said. “It’ll help you sleep. You need to rest.”

  “No, no rest. I need you to ... Doc, listen, if you can’t ... if ... if you can’t save my legs, then ... don’t ... don’t save me.”

  Mary pushed herself in between David and the gurney. “Stop it. Don’t talk like that, Michael. It’s going to be okay.”

  David looked at Mary, then he looked at the name on the chart he was holding. Finally, he looked back at the soldier. “Oh God. This ... is Michael???”

  Chapter 81

  Mary dabbed the tears that were rolling down the sides of Michael’s face, not even noticing the tears that were rolling down her own cheeks.

  “Stop it. Don’t talk like that, Michael. It’s going to be okay.”

  Michael was gasping for breath, but he had things he needed to say. “How is it possible that ... that you’re so sure about everything ... when I’m sure about nothing?”

  Mary tried to smile encouragingly, but her cheek muscles didn’t seem to be working. “I just have faith, that’s all.”

  “I used to have faith. Now I have no legs.”

  No amount of medical training prepared Mary for this. How could she respond to a comment like that? “You can still have a normal life,” she said.

  Michael turned his head to look at Mary. “Are you freaking kidding me? If that’s what you think, you’re a little idiot and you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Despite his fading strength, he began shouting at her. “I can’t walk. I can’t work. I can’t have sex. I can’t do anything without someone’s help. I can’t even die.”

  Mary’s heart was breaking, but she decided the best thing to do was to treat Michael like she’d treat anyone else. “Don’t yell at me!”

  Sally was finishing up with a patient in another part of the Triage unit when she heard raised voices.

  “I’ll yell at you if I want,” Michael said. “It’s the only thing I can still do.”

  “Fine,” Mary said defiantly. “If it makes you feel better, then yell at me all you want.”

  Michael lowered his voice and looked up at the ceiling. “It’s 1944, Mary. There isn’t going to be any modern-day medical miracles for me. And I refuse to spend the rest of my life sitting in a wheelchair selling pencils on a street corner like those old World War One veterans back home. I refuse to be a burden to my family. Do you understand?” He turned his head to face her. “Now are you going to help me or not?”

  “I am helping.”

  Michael coughed and shook his head from side to side. “No. No, damn it, you know what I mean. Mary, you ... you once ... you once told me that you became a nurse so you could help people. Remember?”

  “What’s going on here, Clayton?” Sal demanded.

  “Um. Nothing. He’s just a little upset.”

  Michael laughed wryly. “A little?”

  “Where did Dr. Mason go?” Sal quietly asked Mary.

  “I don’t know,” Mary answered. “He was just here. I didn’t realize he left.”

  Sal turned her attention to Michael and tried to diffuse the situation. “Look,” she said to him, “I realize that you’re going through a rough time, Soldier, but please don’t abuse our nurses. They’re just here to help.”

  Michael looked at Mary. “Only one way you can help me.” He grasped Mary’s hand. “Please Mary, help me. Help me now.”

  Mary saw the desperation in Michael’s eyes and her stomach turned. She felt ill and she felt terrified. She knew exactly what he was asking her to do. Here was a man she once thought she loved, a man she would have done anything in the world for, anything he asked. But in her wildest imagination, she never thought he’d ask her to help end his life.

  Sal looked at Mary and nodded. “Get him a painkiller, Nurse,” Sal said. Mary nodded slowly and left to get the medication.

  She walked to the medicine cabinet and stared at the array of pill bottles. Which ones would make everything better? Which ones would make this nightmare end? Which ones would turn the clock back to yesterday?

  Mary stood in front of the medicine cabinet sobbing, wrestling with herself over the right thing to do. She looked over her shoulder at Michael. Mary quickly turned back to face the medicine cabinet again. It was too hard for her to look at him, too hard for her to see him this way.

  Meanwhile, Sal spoke to Michael in a soft voice, trying to get him to calm down. She placed a soothing hand on his shoulder. “Would you like to talk to someone, Private? A chaplain?”

  “Cathy. ... Where’s Cathy?”

  “You mean Mary? She’s getting you something for the pain,” Sal stated. “But I’m inclined to get you a different nurse.”

  Michael lifted his head and began to shiver. “No! I don’t want a different nurse,” he said, grimacing with pain. “I need ... I need Mary. She’s the only one who can help me. ”

  “Don’t upset yourself, Soldier.” Sal covered his body with blanket. “I’ll get Mary for you -- only if you promise to be nice to her.”

  “Cross my heart ... and hope to die,” Michael said, dropping his head back onto the gurney.

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  As soon as David found out that it was Michael on that gurney, he bolted out of the hospital without telling either Mary or Michael where he was going. He had to find Cathy and tell her that Michael was here.

  He ran into the Commissary and all eyes turned to see the doctor standing there out of breath wearing bloody scrubs. He looked in Cathy’s direction and saw her plating up the Tuesday dinner special. Fish sticks and mashed potatoes.

  But Cathy didn’t see David until he was behind the counter walking toward her. A spoon fell from her hand when she caught sight of him. The distressed look on David’s face scared her to death. Her heart stopped in that moment, and everything began moving in slow motion. He reached for her hand and pulled her around the counter and out of the Commissary.

  Suze and Maggie looked at each other. They left their stations and followed David and Cathy.

  ~~~~~~~~~

  Back in Triage, Mary returned to Michael’s gurney holding a cup of water in one hand and the medication in the other. “It’s okay Major Bradley,” Mary told Sal. “I’ve got this handled.” Sal nodded and went to check on other patients.

  “Thank God you’re back. I thought you deserted me.”

  “Never.” Mary smiled sympathetically and took his hand. She wasn’t sure whether he was the one who was trembling or if she was.

  Michael looked into the palm of his hand and saw that Mary slipped him a fistful of pills. He looked at Mary with tears and gratitude in his eyes, then he brought his h
and to his mouth. Mary held the back of his head with one hand and held the cup to his lips with her other hand. He drank the water and swallowed the pills. Then he took her hand again and held it tightly. “Stay with me?”

  Mary nodded as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She stroked his perspiration-damp hair. “Do you remember the day we met, Michael?” she asked. “Do you remember how you pulled the shower curtain up and left me naked for the world to see?”

  Michael nodded, having a hard time keeping his eyes open. “What a memory to die with, right? ... Thank you, Mary ... for everything.”

  “You don’t have to thank me,” she sniffled. “I’m a nurse. Remember? It’s my job to help people.”

  From the corner of her eye, Mary saw a group of people rush into Triage. She looked over in their direction.

  Cathy stood at the entrance, her eyes searching the roomful of wounded veterans. David pressed his hand to her back and guided her toward Mary.

  Cathy felt lost and confused looking at Mary’s tear-streaked face. Mary placed Michael’s hand into Cathy’s before taking a step back.

  Behind Cathy, David put his arm around Mary’s shoulder and she leaned into him. Suze and Maggie hugged each other. And Kay, who entered Triage to see what the yelling was about, stood beside Sal.

  Cathy looked down at Michael’s hand in hers for a long moment before she finally looked at his face. Her mouth fell open. “Oh God no,” she whispered, as tears began rolling down her cheeks. This can’t be Michael, she thought. He barely looked like her Michael; eyes closed, face dirty and bruised, unanimated, unsmiling, undimpled. Very gently, she stroked his face with the back of her hand, and he slowly opened his eyes.

  “Cathy?” he wheezed. “I must be dreaming. I thought I’d never see you again. ... Is it really you?”

  “It’s me, Michael. I’m here ... holding your hand.”

  Michael grew agitated. “No. No. No, you shouldn’t be here. I don’t want you to watch me ... I don’t want you to see me this way.”

  “Shhh. It’s okay. It’s okay, Michael.” Cathy felt dizzy. She felt sick. This was too much to take. She always believed Michael would come back to base, come back to her, but she never imagined he’d come back like this. Not like this.

  She swallowed the lump in her throat. “All that matters is that we’re together.” She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it, as she tried in vain not to cry. “And I’m never letting you go. Never again.”

  Michael drew a breath. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry I had to leave without telling you,” he said weakly. “But ... I want you to know something. I want you to know there wasn’t one second I wasn’t thinking about you.”

  “And there wasn’t one second when I wasn’t thinking about you,” Cathy nodded, stroking his face and his hair. “See? Even a war can’t come between us, Michael,” she said softly. “We’re forever ... just like the message you carved on our tree.”

  Michael opened his mouth to speak, but his throat was too dry and no words came out. “Shhh. You don’t have to talk. I’ll talk,” Cathy told him. “I have so much I want to tell you, Michael.”

  “Tell me,” he managed to whisper.

  “We’re going to have a baby, Michael. Isn’t that incredible? ... So you have to hold on for me ... for me and our baby.”

  As she continued to hold his hand between both of hers, she could feel him squeezing her hand tighter and tighter and tighter, until his fingernails pressed into her skin. “That’s right, Michael. We’re going to be a family, just like we talked about on the way back from the stables. Remember? ... We have so much to live for.”

  Michael nodded weakly. He raised his hand to touch her face, but he couldn’t reach her. His hand fell back onto the gurney and he closed his eyes for the last time.

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  Cathy drew a halting breath. “Michael? Michael! Oh god no. No. Please don’t die. Please open your eyes, Michael. You have to open your eyes.” She cupped his cheek. “Please Michael. Please don’t leave me. You promised ... you said everything was going to be okay. You promised me.”

  Cathy fell on top of him crying and laid her head on his chest, her body shaking. “Michael ... Michael ... I need you, Michael. I need more time.”

  The women gathered behind Cathy were all crying, and when Mary realized that Kay was there, she ran into her friend’s arms. Not knowing what else to do, Maggie walked up behind Cathy and gently rubbed her back. Cathy slowly straightened up and looked into Michael’s lifeless face. She leaned forward. His face was still warm as she pressed her cheek against his and whispered in his ear. “I love you, Michael. Know that I loved you.” She nestled her cheek against his face and moved back slowly until her lips connected with his. She tenderly kissed him one last time.

  Maggie couldn’t watch any more. Her heart broke for Cathy and she marched out of Triage, out of the hospital and into the Quad. She felt her heartbreak turn to anger as she got closer and closer to the administrative building. She barged into the Colonel’s office.

  “Maggie!” Bill rose from his chair when he saw the redhead. She walked behind his desk and slapped his face as hard as she could. “Ow,” he said. “What was that for?” He rubbed his cheek where she hit him.

  “You said ... you said there was no harm ... no harm in him leaving sooner ... as long as your precious Sergeant was happy.”

  “Maggie, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What ...”

  “I can’t even tell who’s the enemy in this war anymore.” Maggie was shaking with anger and speaking between sobs. “Well you need to know something, Colonel. ... You need to know that ... that .... There ... Are ... Consequences.” Maggie covered her face with her hands and broke down in Bill’s arms.

  Chapter 84

  “They have given their sons to the military services. They have stoked the furnaces and hurried the factory wheels. They have made the planes and welded the tanks. Riveted the ships and rolled the shells.”

  -- President Franklin D. Roosevelt

  ~One Month Later, July 4, 1944~

  It was Independence Day back home in the states, but here on base, it was a day like any other, except that it felt like a change was in the wind. Sally was summoned to Colonel Morton’s office.

  As she entered the administrative building she glanced at the bulletin board on the wall just inside the entrance. Usually, she walked right by it, but today she stopped.

  The bulletin board displayed the names of soldiers who came through the 1044th. The first column listed those who were honorably discharged. They served their tours of duty and were home now. The second list contained the names of soldiers who served the 1044th but didn’t make it home alive. And a third list displayed the names of soldiers who were brought into the surgical unit and died there. Sal always thought there should be a list of soldiers who survived -- those who the medical team treated successfully. If she were in charge, there would be.

  After D-Day, the list grew a lot longer. Michael’s name was added. So was Joe Douglas, and about a hundred other soldiers from the 1044th. Shortly after D-Day, the base held a memorial service for the fallen, and Sal was among those who helped prepare more than a hundred bodies to be shipped home. Sal bowed her head out of respect for all the boys who gave their lives for their country.

  She took a deep breath and continued down the corridor toward the Colonel’s office.

  Sal wracked her brain trying to think of some infraction committed in her unit that she was going to get called on the carpet for. She really couldn’t think of any, but she was prepared for anything as she waited in the outer office, chatting with Willie, the company clerk. She tried to pump him for information, but he was tight-lipped, as usual.

  She thought about checking with Louis to find out if he knew why she got called to the Colonel’s office, but she had worked too hard to keep her distance from him ever since they broke up. If she spent any kind of time with him, she knew there was a danger of getting
sucked back into a relationship with him. And that’s not what she wanted anymore. She was proud of herself for sticking to her convictions and staying strong and independent.

  Finally, the Colonel’s door opened and he waved her in. “Sit down, Major.” Sal took a seat. “I’ll get right to the point. I’ve been hearing things about you from a lot of different people.”

  Uh oh, Sal thought to herself. I’m in trouble now. “Oh? Like what? From who?”

  “From most everyone in the surgical unit. From doctors, nurses, medical assistants. From my fly boys. From Sergeant Richards. Everyone tells me you pretty much run the show around here, even though you’re assigned to the medical unit.”