Cycling to Asylum

by Su J. Sokol

  “If you say so. But you’ll have to wait then. Until David has time. Meanwhile, I guess I can just keep living here and going to my old school.”

  “But we have our interview next week. For permanent residency. If you’re not home …”

  Nothing about missing me, just about how I’m going to screw up their application.

  “You don’t need me. You and Daddy … You never really thought about me when you made your plans. If it’s so important for me to be there, I guess you’ll come and get me yourselves.” I wait but she doesn’t say anything. “I gotta go now, Mommy.”

  I look up to see Rebecca smiling at me. She looks relieved, satisfied. For some reason, this makes me angry. I turn and look at Michael. He’s smiling too, but it’s a nice smile. Who cares why Rebecca looks satisfied, why David seems angry, or about Mommy and Daddy and their craziness. At least Michael and I get to be together for now.

  FORTY-EIGHT

  Simon

  Last night I had a terrible nightmare. We were on our bikes, like the Bicycling Family, when suddenly everything became horrible and wrong. All around us was broken glass and sharp pieces of twisted-up metal. The air felt heavy and thick and tasted like it was filled with poison chemicals. Up ahead, I could see that things were nice, with sun and grass and flowers and animals, but no matter how fast I biked, I couldn’t get there. Then I realized that Siri wasn’t with us anymore. I tried to call her, but she was too far away. Mommy and Daddy were way ahead and didn’t realize that Siri had fallen behind. I didn’t know whether to go back for Siri or forward to get Mommy and Daddy. Before I could decide, I saw that we were all trapped. The road was twisting up and around like a Mobius strip and there were huge chunks of pavement flying through the air. We were being shot at by robo-riot cops armed with giant phaser guns. I tried to scream but I couldn’t get enough air. Then I woke up.

  When I pushed my way into Mommy and Daddy’s room, I thought I was having an asthma attack. Mommy ran to get my medicine while Daddy held me. Once my heart slowed down, I realized I could breathe again. So instead, Mommy just rubbed my back until I fell asleep. This morning, I remembered the last time I slept with Mommy and Daddy. It was after Daddy got out of the hospital, just before we moved here.

  All day while I’m at school, I think of last summer and how awful it was. I don’t feel like playing soccer with my friends, or even drawing. I just keep thinking about stuff. Maybe I did something wrong and I’m being punished and that’s why bad things keep happening to my family. Violence is wrong, but I hit Keri anyway and really hurt him. But that happened after Daddy was in the hospital. Could something that happens after something else still cause it?

  What if Siri had been home instead of at camp last summer? Should I tell her what happened? But Mommy and Daddy didn’t want us to know. They must’ve had a good reason. And it’s bad to tell secrets, to be a tattletale. Everyone says so, Siri especially. If I tell her the secret now, for sure I’ll be doing the wrong thing, one way or another. Either I shouldn’t ever tell, or I should’ve told a long time ago.

  I try to think of what Mommy and Daddy would want me to do. One thing they’re always saying is that you can’t control what happens, but you can still try to choose good over bad. And each day brings new choices. So doing something bad yesterday doesn’t mean you can’t do something good today. You can try to do better, and even if that doesn’t erase the bad thing, it still adds good to the world.

  After supper, Daddy kisses us good-bye to go to work. He turns to Mommy again.

  “Are you sure it’s OK I’m going in tonight? I could explain …”

  “It’s OK. Your job’s important. We’ll be fine.”

  Daddy still seems like he’s not sure, but Mommy kisses him good-bye again and pushes him out the door. After he’s gone, I ask Mommy if we can call Siri ’cause I need to talk to her.

  “What do you want to tell her?” Mommy asks.

  “It’s private. Please?”

  “We can try, sweetheart, but Rebecca and David don’t always pick up my calls.”

  “If I do a holo-call they’ll see it’s only me.”

  “I guess there’s no harm in trying. I’ll wait in the bedroom.”

  I go to the screen and activate holo-call. Mommy and Daddy always only use voice. Then I tell the screen to call not Rebecca and David, but Michael. Michael picks up.

  “Hello? Simon?”

  “I need to talk to Siri.”

  “She’s here, but …”

  “Please, I need Siri’s help with something.”

  Michael winks and tells me to wait a sec. He was always one of my sister’s nicest friends.

  “Hi Simon. How are you?”

  “I miss you.”

  “I miss you too, but we may have to wait a while to see each other again. When David’s work is less busy or when Daddy or Mommy decide they can come get me.”

  “But they can’t. It would be dangerous.”

  “It’s OK if you want to believe Daddy and Mommy, but …”

  “Mommy cries all the time. I hear her at night, crying and saying your name. And Daddy … his eyes are so sad. Sometimes he even looks all weird and spacey like … like when …”

  “Like when what?”

  “Listen, I wanna tell you something.” I hear a voice in the background. A grown-up voice, I think. “Are you still just with Michael?”

  “No.”

  “Can you do me a favour? But first, I want you to know I never told. About the French, I mean. I never told Daddy or Mommy or anyone that you could speak French.”

  “I know, Simon. You’re a good little brother.”

  “But now I need to ask you to speak French with me. So we can be private.”

  There’s a pause and then she says, “D’accord.”

  I switch to French as well. “Cet été, quand tu étais au camp de baseball …” and I tell her everything that happened.

  “Mais, ils nous ont dit que …

  “Je le sais. They wanted us to think it was an accident, but it wasn’t. A cop broke Daddy’s bones with a phaser stick on purpose. Daddy almost died. He was in the hospital for the whole summer. From the day you left for camp until two weeks before we picked you up. And even when he came home, he wasn’t all better. He was thin and could hardly walk around. I never seen Daddy so tired and … I don’t know. Like beaten down.”

  “Comment tu t’en es rendu compte? Wait, hold on Simon.”

  I hear her talking to someone as she turns away from the screen.

  “Simon needs help with his homework … Yeah. Just a few more minutes.”

  “OK, Simon. J’suis là.”

  “I found out what really happened from Henry,” I tell her in French. “He heard his mom talking about it on the phone. Me and Henry, we had it all planned. We were gonna kill the cop who almost killed Daddy.”

  “Oh, Simon.”

  “But then Daddy and Mommy and I left on the train, for the bike trip. So I never got to. I thought we’d do it when I got back to New York.”

  “So you didn’t know either? That they planned to never go back?”

  “No. But when Daddy told me, I couldn’t be mad. Not after what happened this summer.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “It was a secret. Daddy and Mommy didn’t want us to know. At first, I thought knowing might be dangerous. And then I thought maybe they just didn’t want us to feel bad or scared or anything. I don’t know. But one thing I do know is not to tell secrets. I learned that at school and I learned that from Henry and I learned that from you.”

  I hear voices in the background. Siri blanks the screen. Then she’s talking to me again.

  “Écoute, Simon. Thanks for telling me. But I still don’t know what I can do. David …” Even though she’s still speaking in French she lowers her voice. “He’s probably the only one who can take me back, if Daddy or Mommy can’t come. But I’m beginning to think maybe Michael’s parents planned this all a
long.”

  “You have to escape somehow, Siri. Or maybe we can rescue you …”

  I turn. Daddy’s standing in the doorway watching me. I never even heard him come in.

  “Simon? Are you still there?”

  “Yeah. I’m here.”

  “I have to hang up now. But I’ll do my best to convince David to take me. Tell Mommy and Daddy that I love them. And that I’ll try to get home as soon as I can.”

  When I hang up, Mommy comes out of the bedroom. Daddy walks towards me too.

  “Why aren’t you at work?” Mommy asks Daddy.

  “It’s OK. They said they could get by without me today. I wanted to be with my family.”

  Mommy hugs me and Daddy kisses the top of my head. He wraps his arms around Mommy, with me still in the middle. He hugs us both so tight I can hardly breathe, but I’m not scared. It doesn’t feel anything like an asthma attack.

  FORTY-NINE

  Janie

  I’m preparing my arguments. I think of all the times I’ve done this for a client, even when the case was hopeless. Some people imagine that emotion has no role to play in argumentation. This is bullshit, as anyone with a flair for winning arguments knows. Logic, consistency, and accurate information are important, but true passion has no peer in sharpening your rhetoric.

  At least, I tell myself this as my body trembles, and tears threaten to close up my throat. Somehow I have to convince Rebecca to do the right thing and send Siri home.

  “I know you think you’re helping,” I say. “I can imagine the kinds of things Siri told Michael. But remember, she’s an adolescent. Exaggeration and drama are normal for her age.”

  “Michael doesn’t do those things. And they’re the same age.”

  “He’s a boy.”

  “I thought you were so non-sexist.”

  “There are developmental differences. Wait until he’s fifteen or sixteen and talk to me.”

  “You’re just making excuses, Janie. You need to accept the fact that Siri wants to be here. She was happy to come with us to Brooklyn.”

  “Of course she’s missed her friends, but she told you she wants to come home now.”

  “She was pressured to say that. Besides, if you really cared, you’d get her yourself.”

  “We’ve been through this. I know you don’t want to believe …”

  “Don’t start with that again. Has Laek actually gotten you to swallow his crazy, paranoid fantasies? Sometimes I think he’s cast a spell on you. I never trusted him. He’s too slick. David agrees with me. Any man who doesn’t like baseball …”

  OK, maybe it’s time to forget logic. There must be some way to reach her.

  “Rebecca, please. For the sake of our friendship …”

  “A true friend wouldn’t have left like you did, without so much as a good-bye.”

  “It was necessary. My other friends understood, why can’t you?”

  “You told Magda, though.”

  “I had to tell one person. Maybe I did the wrong thing, but I never meant to hurt you.”

  “But you did. You deserted us, me and my family, like we were nothing.”

  “I’m sorry! It’s not what I wanted. But please, as a mother, how can you do this to me?”

  “As a mother? I asked myself the same question a million times. How you, as a mother, could do this to Michael and Siri. Knowing they were in love.”

  “In love? They were just twelve years old!”

  “Michael’s been depressed and heartbroken all year. His grades are slipping. And David and I are fighting again.”

  “You can’t lay all that on me. You and David already had problems. Before Georgie …”

  “Shut up! If I’d have listened to you, Georgie would never have been born. Sometimes you have to … to do things to keep a man.”

  “Is that what this is about? Another new child in the household? A crisis to pull the two of you together? You can’t use a child like that. And Siri’s not even your child!”

  “Maybe not, but it’s me who has her best interests at heart. You never acted like normal parents. Letting them ride the subway, living on a public street …”

  “Rebecca, this isn’t about Siri riding the subway or not living in a gated community. This isn’t about her at all. You’ve essentially kidnapped my child for your own reasons.”

  “Kidnapped? How dare you! But if that’s what you think, call the police. Or just come and get her. But you won’t do either of these things, will you? You’d rather hold on to that fantasy about Laek being in danger. Well just go back to him now, your beautiful perfect partner, and live your delusional little life together. But you’ll have to do it without Siri.”

  “You’ve really lost it. What you’re doing, it’s … it’s crazy, wrong.”

  “Is it? You know I saw the two of you that night in the park.”

  “What?”

  “The night of the concert. The night that Michael and Siri had their first kiss. David and I had argued, but then Michael came and gave us the good news. He was so happy. I went to look for you, to tell you. I’d always hoped that some day we’d be one big family.”

  “I … I don’t remember seeing you that night.”

  “No, you and Laek were too busy rutting like animals in the middle of the park.”

  “Fuck you,” I say, immediately wishing I could take it back. “I’m sorry, but …”

  “Don’t apologize, it’s classic Janie. And a perfect way to end this pointless conversation.”

  “No, not until we resolve this. You need to send Siri back. If you don’t …”

  “Don’t threaten me. You’re forgetting that David works for the government. So you’d better just stay on your side of the border. And don’t call me again.”

  “Rebecca, wait …”

  But she’s already terminated the call. I stare at the screen, unwilling to believe that it’s over. In court, I’d have a chance to rebut at least. It can’t end like this! It just can’t!

  Laek comes up from behind me and wraps me in his arms.

  “Is Simon asleep?” I ask.

  “Yeah. I told him a story. Like one of your stories. With rescues and reconciliations and happily-ever-afters.”

  “That’s good because I’m fresh out of stories. Oh Laek, I fucked that up badly.”

  “There’s nothing you could’ve said that would’ve made a difference.”

  “I’ve always thought that if you could find the right words, if you put your heart and soul into communicating, that … I should call her back.” I try to pull away but Laek holds me fast.

  “Janie, stop. You’re shaking. And it doesn’t matter how eloquent you are, or how right. The person you’re talking to still has to be listening. And sane.”

  “What are we going to do?”

  “I’m gonna bring her back.”

  “No, Laek, no.” I pull myself out of his grip. “Please, you can’t. It’s too dangerous.”

  “I can do this. It’s the only way.”

  “There has to be another way. I’ll go. I’ll go and get her.”

  “Tell me how you’re gonna do that, Janie. Cross the border on your Uni? They’ll have you in a second. You’ll be detained and then … who knows what. You’ll sure never make it to Brooklyn. No. This is something I need to do my own way.”

  “Please, I’m scared. I can’t … I can’t lose you both.”

  I start crying, thinking of the morning in Brooklyn when Laek left for the demonstration, after seeing Al, after our argument. If only I had done something to keep him from going. I knew it would be dangerous, that it was a bad decision. I should have thrown myself in front of the apartment door, anything to stop him!

  Laek presses my face against his chest. “Shh, it’s OK.” he murmurs. “I’m not planning to do something crazy. I promise you. I can do this, Janie. I’ll bring her home.”

  I think again of when he left for that demonstration. That day he was angry. Angry and scared. But now? He se
ems calm, confident. All I feel is his strength, his determination. I let myself relax in his arms, thinking how much he’s healed from his traumas since we’ve been living here. This new place has been so good for him. But we’ve lost Siri. What have I done? Was Siri right, the night I told her we wouldn’t be returning to Brooklyn? Was I sacrificing her, choosing Laek over my own children? Fresh tears fill my eyes as I think about this.

  “Siri,” I sob. “My poor baby. My poor baby.”

  “Please, Janie, please. Don’t cry. I love you so much. I can’t bear it. Please trust me.”

  I rub my eyes and try to stop crying. “What are you thinking of doing?”

  “I have an idea. Part of a plan. I’m still working out the details, but I’ll need help. From a lot of people. Can I count on your parents? Your brother?”

  “They’ll do whatever’s needed.”

  “Good. And Philip. He’ll coordinate everything in New York. And I’ll need Magda. And … and Erin. Actually, Chris. And …”

  “What?”

  “I’ll need Al. For the border.”

  I grab his arms. “No, Laek, no. Not Al. I don’t trust him.”

  “I can trust him for this. I can. I wouldn’t risk it otherwise.”

  I don’t answer. I just start crying again.

  “Janie, listen.” He lifts me up in his arms. “Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a lonely boy. Lonely and scared and filled with pain. One day someone came and took him into her heart and made him her family. The boy moved away from the pain and the loneliness and the fear, because deep down, he was a person who loved life and was filled with hope. So the boy, now a man, made the girl, the woman, a promise. He promised that he’d never throw his life away. Because he loved her and his children so much. And because she’d helped him love life again. Together, they worked to heal the world and make it a better place.”

  “And then what happened?”

  “And then? Well he took her, and laid her down …”

  As he says this, he carries me over to our bed and gently puts me there.

  “… and he undressed her carefully, never taking his eyes off her …”

  I watch Laek as he watches me, mesmerized.