Who R U Really?

by Margo Kelly

  “Why would you say that?” I whispered.

  “Say what?”

  “That my screen is screwed in?”

  “Because most are—”

  “Then how would people get out if there was a fire?”

  “I don’t know . . . but I still don’t think you did it.”

  I grabbed the drawstring and yanked the blinds up. It was dark outside, except for a sinister glow coming off the distant moon. My breath fogged against the cold and darkened glass. I had no idea if the screen was screwed in or not. It sounded stupid though, because people would need out if there was an emergency. But I’d never tried to remove it myself . . . I’d only seen it done in the movies.

  “I think you’d be too afraid to upset your parents by sneaking out,” Derek continued. “So, don’t tell me things that aren’t true. We agreed to never lie to each other.”

  “I’m not lying,” I said. “It did happen.” I leaned my forehead against the cold glass and wondered if anyone was outside hiding under the dogwood and maple trees staring back at me. I could almost see myself from a lurker’s perspective: my silhouette against the window; the phone to my ear; my warm breath puffing against the glass.

  I dropped the blinds and sank to the floor out of sight.

  “Okay. It’s late,” Derek said, “and I’ve got to get to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He was dismissing me. He ended the call before I even had a chance to respond.

  A knock sounded at my door, and I nearly screamed.

  I snatched my comforter from the floor, tucked my phone under it, and hurried to the door. Had my parents heard me talking? I tried to recall the conversation and remember if I had raised my voice. I opened the door. Relief flooded through me when I saw my brother.

  “Who are you talking to?” Seth asked.

  “Nobody.”

  “We share a wall, and I could hear you. Mom and Dad will take your phone away if they find out.”

  “Are you going to tell them?”

  He straightened and looked at me for a moment. “No,” he said, “but stop talking so late, or I will.” He walked away.

  I closed my door and leaned against it. My world started to spin too fast, like I was on a carousel of bobbing horses. It spun faster and faster. I couldn’t focus on the people around me anymore. I wanted off the ride.

  CHAPTER 19

  People kept disappearing from my life. Janie was gone. Derek stopped texting me after our late night story exchange, a couple of nights ago now. And Dad left for a two-week business trip. He was gone before I even woke up.

  I should’ve been relieved Derek wasn’t texting, because I wanted to end it with him. Really. I did. I needed to focus on the upcoming basketball tryouts and schoolwork, and not worry about a relationship with a guy in another state. But I couldn’t stop myself. I sat on my bed and texted him. He didn’t respond.

  I went through the motions of the day, dreading every moment of the weekend. At least during the school week I had something I could focus on and somewhere I belonged. At home, without Janie, without Derek, I had nothing.

  After school, I climbed into bed with the intention of reading for the rest of the day and into the evening, but I dozed off, and the book that failed to hold my attention slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor. The sound startled me awake.

  I leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed my notebook from my backpack. I reread entries in my diary about Derek. I had a hard time being upset with him when I recalled the sweet things he had said to me over the last several months. I flipped through the pages until I got to the back of the notebook. I contemplated my quote collection and starred my favorites. I sure hoped Mom planned to give me a new Quote of the Day calendar for a Christmas gift.

  My phone vibrated with a text from Derek. Before I finished reading it, another one buzzed in from him.

  I miss u—Derek

  Can we talk?—Derek

  Yes—Thea

  Let’s do it on Skadi—Derek

  K—Thea

  We logged on and played late into the evening. We leveled up our characters, something we hadn’t done in quite a while, and debated song lyrics.

  Kitsuneshin: Have you ever googled hidden messages in music?

  ImmortalSlayer: Nope.

  Kitsuneshin: You should sometime. It’s amazing what some lyrics really mean.

  Kitsuneshin: Like your story the other night had a hidden message.

  ImmortalSlayer: What RU talking about?

  Kitsuneshin: The story about u sneaking out and meeting Tim.

  ImmortalSlayer: Oh? And what was the hidden meaning?

  Kitsuneshin: I’ll explain when we talk on the phone later tonight.

  ImmortalSlayer: Tell me now.

  Kitsuneshin: No. I want to hear your voice. When can I call?

  ImmortalSlayer: Well . . . my mom and Seth are still up. They might hear us.

  Kitsuneshin: Go see what they’re doing and then call me when u can.

  ImmortalSlayer: Ok.

  I logged off. The clock on my monitor showed it was after ten already. Mom usually went to bed by now, but I heard her and Seth in the family room. I moved to the archway and hovered, like a spy, trying to decipher what they were talking about.

  “Hi, Thea,” Mom said. Seth scowled at me. His disapproval never surprised me.

  “I’m going to bed. Are you guys staying up?” I asked.

  “No. We’re about to head that direction, too,” Mom said and patted Seth on the shoulder. He said good night to her and headed down the hall.

  “Janie’s mom called me today,” she said with no warning. Were Mom and Seth discussing this? Did he tell her about my late night phone calls? I held my breath.

  “Did you and Janie have a falling out?” She didn’t wait for my reply. “Her mom suggested that you’ve been a bad influence and that you’re involved with a twenty-year-old.” Mom rested her hand on my shoulder like this was no big deal . . . like we were discussing what to have for dinner. “I think we should talk about it,” she said.

  I cleared my throat and plopped down on the couch.

  “I know you’re a good kid,” Mom said, “but I’m troubled by your behavior.”

  “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “I didn’t say you had, but what’s this about a twenty-year-old?” Mom sat next to me on the couch. “Is she talking about the guy you played Skadi with?”

  “Probably.” Truth.

  “Are you still playing Skadi?”

  “Not really. I played tonight for the first time in a long time.”

  “Was he playing also?” Mom was too calm. Why wasn’t she yelling at me?

  “Yes, but we’re just friends.”

  “All right, but maybe you and I could spend more time together while Dad’s out of town, and you could spend less time online.”

  “Whatever.” I was done with this conversation, but Mom kept talking.

  “When does basketball start?”

  “Monday.”

  “Did you get all of your homework done?”

  “Yes.”

  “Would you like to talk more about this guy or about Janie?”

  “No.”

  “Well . . . know that I love you and you can always talk to me about anything.”

  “Right.”

  She gave me a hug, and we headed our separate directions. Her calm attitude had me freaked. Shouldn’t she be upset? I texted Derek the details. He suggested we wait another hour before we phoned. I didn’t know if I could wait that long to find out what he meant by the hidden meaning in my story.

  When our house was as quiet as a schoolyard on a Sunday night, I called Derek.

  “So, tell me,” I said.

  “Tell you what?” he teased, but it frustrated me.

  “What you think my hidden meaning was.”

  Derek lowered his voice to a chestier tone. “I don’t believe you ever snuck out.” Before I could protest, he said, “I think you to
ld me that story because you want to sneak out . . . and because you want to be kissed.” He stopped speaking, and my heart rate increased. Uncertain where this was going, I remained quiet.

  “I think you want to be kissed by me,” he whispered.

  My stomach twisted, and I realized I was breathing through my mouth instead of my nose. I pressed my lips together. Derek continued speaking in his soft rhythmic way, and I struggled to keep up with him.

  “I know I want to kiss you. I want to pull you into to me, caress your face with my fingers, and then place my lips to yours. I would linger there, and breathe in your fragrance, before I draw you in closer and feel your body press—”

  “Stop.” The word carried out on a breath. I wasn’t sure he even heard me.

  “—next to mine. The taste of our tongues melting into each other. My hands stroking your—”

  “Stop! What are you doing?”

  “I’m telling you how much I love you. I want to be with you in every way.” My stomach clenched, and I considered the possibilities of what he meant.

  “Have you ever done cybersex?” he asked.

  The question jolted me upright in bed. “No, and I don’t want to talk about sex.”

  “Why not? It’s just fantasy. We could—”

  “No. We can discuss anything else, but not sex.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because . . .”

  “Okay, but understand . . . I didn’t mean real sex. Just fantasy.”

  “No. Neither. Let’s talk about something else.”

  “Sure.” Derek’s voice was back to normal.

  I had to switch the phone to my other hand because my palm had become slippery with sweat. I drew up my blinds and opened the window to let in some cool fresh air.

  “What do you want to talk about?” he asked.

  “I don’t know . . . How’s your dad doing?”

  “Still drinking,” he said. “I don’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t listen to me or care about what I have to say.”

  “I’m sorry.” I climbed back into bed and clutched my comforter. “My dad is gone for a two-week business trip. He didn’t even say goodbye before he left.”

  We spoke awhile about our dads, and at some point, I fell asleep with the phone next to my ear.

  ■

  I woke up with a start the next morning when Mom swung my door open. “Good morning, sunshine!” she said it too loudly. “Oh my, it’s cold in here.” She rushed to my window and closed it. I shoved my phone under my pillow.

  “Why was your window open?” Mom asked.

  I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and tried to remember.

  “We cannot afford to heat the entire outdoors. Plus, it’s not safe to have your window open during the night.” I could feel a full lecture coming on, and I tried to preempt it.

  “Sorry, Mom. I was hot and wanted some cold air. I must have fallen asleep before I closed it.” I yanked the comforter up around my neck.

  “Hey . . .” She tugged at the blanket, but I had a tight grip. “Get up. I want to take you out shopping for some new basketball shoes today and some shorts and shirts for practice.”

  “Sweet! When are we leaving?”

  “As soon as you’re ready.” Mom switched on my bedside lamp and patted my nightstand. “Where’s your Quote of the Day calendar?”

  “Finished it last month. I need a new one.”

  “Finished it?” She barely got the words out before she laughed. “A calendar by nature is supposed to last you three hundred sixty-five days.”

  “Well, Mom, some things just don’t last.”

  “I suppose you’re right.” She picked up my dirty shirt and socks from yesterday and threw them into my hamper before leaving. Mom needed everything in its place.

  ■

  While shopping, I set my phone to vibrate in my pocket. Derek texted a lot. I read them and replied in the privacy of the dressing room. Otherwise, I’d have to come up with a new excuse for the constant texts, because Mom knew it wouldn’t be Janie. I asked Derek to stop texting for a while, but he didn’t.

  She knocked on the slatted door. “Hurry up!”

  I opened the door and modeled the shorts and a shirt for Mom. She nodded her approval, and I closed the door to change back into my own clothes. While Mom was at the register to pay, I walked outside to read a message. She was faster than I expected and caught me in the middle of replying.

  “Who are you texting?”

  “A friend from school.” I clicked Send and pocketed the phone.

  “Who?” Mom blocked my path to the car.

  “Emily.”

  “Oh. I haven’t heard you talk about Emily in a long time.”

  “I’ve had to reconnect with old friends since Janie isn’t talking to me.”

  “We need to discuss that more,” Mom said and started for the car. I didn’t think she actually wanted to . . . she just wanted me to be a perfect daughter with no problems. A place for everything and everything in its place. We got into the car, and Mom turned to me.

  “Have you been spending more time on the Internet than I know about?”

  “I’ve followed your rules and kept my door open . . . like you’ve asked.”

  “What about that Kit character?”

  “What about him?”

  “What do you talk about?”

  “Skadi.”

  “Really?” she pushed.

  “Sometimes we compare song lyrics. Nothing major.”

  “Can you mend the situation with Janie?”

  “I don’t know. She’s told a lot of lies.”

  “Like what?”

  “I think she’s bulimic or anorexic or something. She lies about eating and throwing up.” Mom’s face went white. I stumbled upon the perfect diversion. If Mom worried about Janie’s eating habits, she wouldn’t focus on me.

  “Does her mother know this?” Mom whispered as if she feared someone might hear us.

  “Yeah. I told her because I was so worried, and that’s why Janie isn’t talking to me anymore.”

  “Oh, dear. Janie is such a sweet girl.”

  I nodded and wondered if I really should tell Janie’s mom. But I couldn’t. She thought I was pond scum and would never believe a word I said.

  Mom wrapped her fingers around the steering wheel. “I should call Janie’s mom and see if there’s anything I can do to help.” I raised my eyebrows. That wouldn’t work! I shook my head and tried to come up with a quick way to discourage her.

  “I say wait. Sometimes people have to solve their own problems.”

  Mom scrunched up her lips. “I don’t know.” She started the car, and we headed home. I crossed my fingers she wouldn’t talk to Janie’s mom.

  Once home, Mom went to the kitchen to make dinner and I went to my room to read, mostly a book, but also a lot of texts.

  After dinner, Seth went out with friends for the evening and Mom asked me if I’d like to play a board game.

  “Uh. No. Why would I want to do that?” I hadn’t played one in a long time. They were called board games for a reason. They bored me.

  “Fair enough. Would you like to come to my room and read with me?” That I considered. Maybe it would be nice to spend some time together and reconnect.

  “Sure,” I said. Mom seemed surprised. I ran down the hall to my room and collected my big comforter, my pillow, and my book. I carried the load to Mom’s room and piled everything on her bed.

  “Did you leave any space for me?” she asked. I flopped on top of it all, and we both settled in for some good reading. Even though I set my cell to vibrate mode, the room was so quiet my phone could be heard a mile away. I ignored it. It vibrated again. I ignored it again.

  Mom lowered her book. “Why aren’t you checking your texts?”

  “I was at a good spot in my book.” But I was interrupted now, and I’d have to check. I held it close to my face and read the text messages. All from Derek, curious what I was doing. I rep
lied.

  I am reading a book in bed with mom—Thea

  Ah. Wish u were doing that with me.—Derek

  LOL—Thea

  Seriously! I want to be with you!—Derek

  Someday . . .—Thea

  “Who was that?” Mom asked. I realized she’d been watching me the whole time, but I was sure she couldn’t read the small display on the phone from where she was. I slipped the phone into my pocket and came up with an answer.

  “It’s Emily. She’s watching a boring movie with her family and wanted to know what I was doing.”

  “Okay.” Mom lifted her book. My phone vibrated with four more texts. I tried to ignore it, but the room was too quiet, and the air was becoming thicker. I struggled to take a deep breath and relax.

  “I’ve got to go the bathroom.” I set my book down and climbed out from under my comforter.

  I didn’t want to use Mom’s bathroom, because she’d hear that I wasn’t truly peeing. So, I walked toward the other bathroom and stopped in the hallway to text Derek.

  U gotta stop texting me so much tonight. My mom will suspect something.—Thea

  I don’t deserve you—Derek

  Yes u do.—Thea

  Really. I’m lucky to have u in my life.—Derek

  Thanks—Thea

  Love you—Derek

  Me too—Thea

  Do you want to play Skadi?—Derek

  No I need to spend time with Mom.—Thea

  Come on, please? Just for a while.—Derek

  Ok. Be there in a minute.—Thea

  I went back to Mom’s room and gathered my stuff. “I’m going to bed. I’m super tired.”

  “Okay,” Mom said and narrowed her eyes at me. I expected her to challenge my lies, but she didn’t. Once in my room, I closed the door and shoved my comforter behind it. I turned on the computer and logged into Skadi. We played, but chatted mostly. Derek tried to bring up the topic of cybersex again. I told him no again.

  Kitsuneshin: Don’t get mad. I was trying to do you a favor.

  ImmortalSlayer: What does that mean?

  Kitsuneshin: I feel like I should at least offer to have cybersex with you.

  ImmortalSlayer: Why?

  Kitsuneshin: Because I feel guilty.

  ImmortalSlayer: Why?