I Am Not Myself (Post Apocalypse Stock Market, Book 2)

by Timothy Cox

He took his time. The screaming sounded familiar.

  He couldn’t believe it. Standing at the ice cream box was Crazy Farmer.

  ‘Hello?’ He asked. ‘Anyone in here?’

  He said it so casually that Rhino almost answered him. He closed his eyes (a thing he usually did around danger), and walked away. When he reached the exit he heard glass crack behind him.

  ‘Well isn’t this my lucky day?’

  Rhino’s body froze like a manikin. He looked at the floor thinking that maybe it was just his–

  ‘I was hoping we’d bump,’ he chuckled deep. ‘Why don’t you turn around and face me like a man you shit.’ Glass cracked.

  Rhino turned. Crazy Farmer didn’t look happy; his eyes were the size of golf balls and his lips red. He brushed his frazzled hair and smiled.

  ‘There’s no need for trouble.’

  ‘No trouble?’ He laughed at the thought. ‘Not so tough now are you? Not hiding behind no–’ he waved his hands up ‘–tall building are you?’

  Rhino stepped backwards. Farmer stepped forward. ‘I’ll just be leaving now.’

  ‘Not until I’m finished with–’

  Rhino knew he was good at one thing. Running. He turned and jumped away like it was the Olympics. He felt his head spin – he didn’t stop – he kept running. He passed the dolphin, a few burnt cars, and glanced. He was winning. Farmer wasn’t so fast. Rhino laughed. He was actually going to outrun him. Stupid Farmer. He passed a few buildings and glanced again. Farmer wasn’t fast but he kept on running. It was that skinny body of his.

  ‘Get back!’ He screamed.

  Rhino saw a building he knew well and contemplated running inside. He chose against it. He knew his best option was to run as fast as he could. He ran around the block and glanced again. He didn’t see Farmer. He looked back in front and ran straight into a pole. He fell so hard that he knocked his head against the pavement. He didn’t waste any time getting up. He stumbled forward dazed. He felt warm liquid run down his neck.

  ‘There you are!’

  ‘Dammit,’ he whispered. He didn’t want to look behind, his voice sounded close. He ignored the daze and told his body to run. He felt a hand grab his shoulder. He looked around and kissed Farmer’s fist.

  ‘Now!’ He punched, ‘I’m going to teach you a lesson.’ His face reddened; a few veins bulged from his skinny neck. Rhino tried blocking. The punches came in quick. ‘I’m going to fucking kill you!’ A punch hit Rhino in the mouth. Everything around him went loud. He tried breathing for air. And then the punches stopped. He heard Farmer cry.

  Shit barked and bit. He got a good chunk from Farmer’s leg. Rhino couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His new friend Shit was saving his life for a change. He got up from the floor and hopped towards the road. He picked up a pole and tiptoed back to Farmer. He gave him a whack over the head.

  Rhino felt a sharp pain in his chest and winced. ‘Shit come!’ He waved at the dog.

  (9)

  Shit was in before him and barked.

  ‘Yeah, ok, just relax.’ Rhino felt the pain in his chest intensify. He knew something was wrong. Crazy Farmer landed a few good blows. He chuckled and wiped his head. He felt his fingers wet but didn’t look. He watched his new friend jump up the window wall as if checking for danger. ‘I’m telling you now Shit. If you–’ he moaned and fell to his knees.

  Shit looked around and barked.

  He got back up and held his chest. ‘Shit, I feel like I’m going to die.’ He watched him sniff around; its tail bobbing furiously. ‘Sure, make yourself at home.’ He stumbled towards the window and checked outside. He didn’t see any Crazy Farmer – a good sign. He glanced and saw the door still open. ‘Shit, close the door please.’

  The dog looked up.

  ‘Can you please close the door?’ He waited a few seconds and shook his head. ‘You don’t speak English do you?’ It went back sniffing. ‘Fine, I’ll do everything myself.’ He coughed drops and closed the door. He needed to sit down.

  His companion went over to the fridge and sniffed around it.

  ‘I wouldn’t open that if I were you.’ He went over to the corner and sat down. Shit didn’t listen to him. ‘That’s where I do all the nasty work,’ he chuckled. He ripped toilet paper from the wall and rubbed his neck. He didn’t realize until now how much he was bleeding. ‘Hey Shit?’

  It looked around.

  ‘If anything happens to me can you promise me one thing?’

  It went back to sniffing.

  ‘If I die, promise me you’ll look after the place.’ He dabbed his head. ‘I was going to do some…renovations today,’ he pointed at the walls, ‘maybe even paint the wall, but then I ran into your old friend.’ He felt his knees shake. ‘Hey Shit are you–’ he grunted and got down onto the floor. He looked up at the window and saw a few dust particles. It started glowing bright colors. He heard barking near him. He felt his head go heavy. He tried getting up and collapsed.

  (10)

  Cold slime tickled his cheek. It felt good. He wasn’t going to say no to an ice cube. Darkness around him made him want to carry on sleeping. He told himself not to give up. His words echoed around him. He felt the ice cube move from his cheeks to his forehead.

  ‘…you can stop that now…’ for a moment, he saw a glimpse of real life. It was just as dark. He wanted another glimpse of real life. He saw a face in the room with him. The face had two eyes, a nose, and…

  Rhino chuckled. ‘Hey Shit,’ he rubbed his chest, ‘how are you?’ He closed his eyes and listened to the barking. He now knew where that cold slimy feeling was coming from.

  Shit barked too close to his head. He licked Rhino’s face and stopped. It looked at him with steady eyes; waiting for some reaction. When it didn’t see any it began walking around him. He started chewing his ankle like it was a bone.

  ‘…hey stop that, it’s ticklish.’ He tried kicking but didn’t have the energy. He let him carry on chewing the bone. The tickling stopped. His hand bobbed. ‘Hey stop–’ it hurt ‘–hey I said stop Shit.’ His arm swung left to right – his hand locked in jaw – the sudden pain made him open his eyes.

  She stared at him with his hand in her mouth. Her mouth did a good job locking his fingers. Her hair was darker than the night around them and long enough to touch the floor. She smiled on all fours while swinging his hand left to right. Her eyes were what frightened Rhino. They were marble black; cold as a river in winter.

  Rhino screamed his lungs out. The burst of adrenaline ripped his hand from her hard lips. He jumped back against the wall and shouted at her. She ran away to the other side of the room. He was shouting at Shit. He frowned – he had to make sure. He closed his eyes and pinched himself. When he opened his eyes he saw Shit, only Shit, and just Shit. He wiped chilly drops from his head and laughed.

  Shit cocked its head and barked.

  He put both hands on his face and cried. Warm tears made its way through his fingers. He was fighting demons inside him; things that didn’t make any sense. He tried fighting them but it was impossible. The demons, his buried thoughts, forced itself to exposure. They had been colluding a while now; waiting for the right moment to strike – waiting for that moment when a person was weak and alone. He remembered a time; a distant once upon a time.

  Shit sensed Rhino’s energy and walked over. He lay against him.

  He patted Shit with his left and cried in his right.

  He saw a house in front of him as vivid as the burning sun. Green grass led way to a beautiful porch. There was a woman at the door waving. But who was she waving at? Him? Someone behind him? Her smile revealed a set of clean white teeth. Her eyes sparked at the sight of…she was waving at him; he knew that now. Who was she? And why did she look so happy to see him. He needed his questions answered; his curiosity sated. So much so that he could smell the freshly cut lawn, the warm breeze on his skin, and the strangest urge to kiss her. A part of him knew that everything was about to change after this. He d
idn’t know why; he just knew. A gut instinct. He saw himself walk forward to her. The closer he got to her the larger her smile grew. When they were hugging distance she–

  He lowered his hand from his eyes and looked at Shit. Shit looked at him. ‘Hey you ok buddy?’

  He lowered his head onto his lap.

  Rhino rubbed its fur with long strokes and wondered about life. There were things in his mind he was trying to understand. Most of it felt like a blur; a shadow of rogues playing with his mind. He felt like he knew about an old life, but that was impossible. His life was where he was now. His apartment, the red bucket, the burnt cars. That was his life. He bit his tongue and thought harder. There had to be a reason for all of this confusion. What did his mind conceal? He looked at Shit for an answer. Shit was too occupied relaxing in his lap.

  The night was quiet. A thing he wasn’t used to. There was always noise somewhere, the roof above, thumping, screaming – but tonight was different. There was not a single bump. Not even the roof; not a single footstep. He found this odd. He thought about the vision he had about the past. The woman he saw made him delve deep into thought. Her smile made him feel something he had not felt in a long time. It made his chest feel light and his cheeks warm. He squeezed his eyes shut – he needed to know who she was. The answer taunted him; revealing itself and dancing away.

  Curtains flapped as wind entered. He felt a cool breeze run up his arm. He sighed and told Shit to move up. He stood up while holding his chest. The pain was incredible. He made his way to the curtains and brushed it aside. He glanced at Shit and smiled. When he looked back at the window he frowned. It was as if he was going to look outside for the very first time.

  The wind wasn’t nearly as chilly as the way he felt inside. The buildings around him looked strange. They didn’t look like buildings at all; just ancient bricks stacked upon one another. He remembered seeing candle light before – he always did – but tonight even that was gone. No sound. No candle light. He sighed and kept his head craned out. He brooded. That’s when his stomach growled.

  (11)

  He waited for first signs of morning. When light broke he was out; making sure not to wake up his new housemate. The landscape he was in didn’t look familiar. Everything felt dead. He was yet to find anyone walking the streets. There was always at least one or two pondering about.

  He had been walking for an hour. Earlier, he walked past a burnt car that he recognized. He remembered what he used to do almost every day: climb inside and act like he was on his way to put out a fire. But today was different. He walked past it thinking that the man locked inside wouldn’t do something like that. He then laughed at the thought of another person being locked in him – another persona of sorts.

  It took a while to find food; it never took this long. Somehow, his memories were fading away. Older memories replaced them – memories of a distant past. He tried to ignore it.

  The store he was in smelled of cement. He found a few cans of food that tasted bad. But he was hungry. He couldn’t remember complaining about food – can food was a staple diet for him. While using two fingers as a spoon, he looked around. There were magazines on the floor with molded covers. He looked at one just beneath his feet. He saw a woman on the cover smiling and holding a laptop. He glanced at the broken wall thinking he heard steps. It was just the wind sweeping glass.

  When he was finished, he put a few extra cans in a bag. Food for Shit. He walked back out and down the road. While walking past buildings, he couldn’t help but notice that almost every single window had its glass shattered. Maybe that’s why he chose his particular apartment. It was one of the few that had its window intact.

  A few blocks down he noticed a banner in the distance. It hung skew. Its brown letters said: THEATRE. The closer he got to it the more his stomach tickled. He licked his lips and frowned. There was something about the banner that made him feel that he has been here before. He chewed his nails. The memories kept eluding him. He gave up and went inside.

  It was so dark inside that he had to slide his hand against the wall. He hoped for anything to jog his memory. He saw a slit of light with a faint glow. When he got there he gently opened the door. It creaked loud.

  The massive hall got its light through a hole in the roof; a waving arch of light. Dark shadows crept all around the room. The middle of the room amazed Rhino. A stage big enough for a performance of a life time. The seats were all in good shape. He imagined people sitting in it. He imagined their laughter to be as loud as thunder. He imagined their clapping to make the room shake. He also imagined himself sitting in one of those seats. The thought made him feel sick. It made him want to puke and he did – he held the wall for support and let it all out. Warm liquid made an exit. There was no way something like that was possible. Yet, it felt real. He wasn’t just thinking stuff up, it felt real. It wasn’t just happy imagination but actual memories. The more he thought about it the more it all made sense. He still didn’t believe it.

  He checked each seat – something told him that he could find the seat he once sat in. He gave up twenty minutes later. He sat down in one of the seats and looked at the stage. He took a deep breath and licked his wet lips. While in deep thought, he heard fluttering from above. A bird flew in and disappeared into the darkness. He could hear it tweet; feeding its young. A minute later it flew back out – leaving a trail of feathers floating. Rhino held his chin. There was something about the stage that made him want to know. He looked at the door just behind it and knew (just knew), that that’s where the performers came out. He touched his seat and looked at the cup holders. He ran his fingers around it. He looked at the roof and back down. He looked at the seat next to him. He glanced at the exit behind. Back in front. And held his hand out as if taking a picture. He frowned. He realized a sickening thought.

  He’s been here before.

  (12)

  He ran so fast that he forgot all about the extra can of food. There was a good reason for wanting to get home. While in the theatre, it occurred to him that he had a previous life; a life very different to what he was living now. He still didn’t believe it –a part of him wished it weren’t true. There was only one way to see if all of this was true. He had a little box at home. A box with…things inside. He remembers it all now. All he needed to do was look inside.

  His new awareness made him see the world in a different way. The city buildings didn’t have that imaginary appeal anymore. He didn’t feel the need to wonder inside them and play around. When he looked at the post-apocalyptic world – he felt goose bumps on his flesh. He shook his head and felt tears well up. He slashed them away and continued running. He hoped to see other people. Anyone, just someone. But all he saw were buildings with no glass, burnt cars, grass sprouting from tar, and a weary nostalgia.

  ‘Anyone out here!’ Rhino screamed. ‘Anyone hear me?’ He ran around the corner and stopped. A few feet away was a tank. It was on – the engine roaring – but it was just the wind howling inside it. He wiped soot from his forehead and ignored the pain in his stomach. He climbed on top. The hatch was broken off. He saw that he was right: the wind swirled inside the hallow case. He looked up at the road ahead and contemplated running. But first, he wanted to check inside. He jumped in.

  He’s never been inside a tank. Wires hung like webs, the space inside so small that he already felt claustrophobic. He brushed the wires away and checked for anything useful. The wall of wires closed behind him; shutting off most light. He saw a few levers, buttons, and binoculars. He brushed dust off the dashboard and hoped for any documents. He coughed as the air filled with powder. He thought he smelled a dead body; but there was no one inside. He looked at the rusted interior and knew it was just the iron.

  A few blocks down he couldn’t run anymore. He had to catch his breath. He looked up while panting and saw where he was. The supermarket with the dolphin. He scratched his head looking at the building and continued walking. He wondered if anyone stared at him through the
hundreds of hallow windows around him. There must’ve been one. He didn’t offer much thought to why he hasn’t seen anyone. Maybe everyone was still sleeping – dead. He chuckled at the thought and felt like crying. All he wanted to do now was open that box. He knew the answers were in there.

  (13)

  He saw the apartment building in the distance and felt a mix of emotions. He felt like stopping and running away; but the urge of wanting to know was too powerful. He needs to know the truth. If there was any truth at all. Maybe all of this was just a case of a bad headache. He did hit the floor hard and he did get smacked hard.

  Before going inside he looked at the gray sky and rubbed his arms. He felt a little cold. He walked through the entrance with no door. On his left he saw all those letters stacked in pigeonholes. He felt like opening a few – maybe later. On his right was the desk with a broken chair. He remembers sitting in it but can’t remember when. He walked up the stairs. He kept his ears open for any sounds as he passed other doors. All he heard was nothing.

  He saw his door open and wondered if Shit was still sleeping.

  Shit wasn’t sleeping. He was awake. Standing on a chair. With a rope around its neck.

  ‘Nice apartment you have here.’ Crazy Farmer said.

  Rhino couldn’t move.

  ‘Have you ever seen a dog hang itself?’ He laughed at the funny joke. He had his leg on the chair. ‘Apparently it’s a good way to go my friend,’ he touched his neck, ‘just put a rope there, do a little whatyacallit – prayer and then–’ he kicked the chair and grabbed it. ‘Oops, don’t want little doggy here to die just yet.’

  ‘You sick bastard.’ Rhino said. ‘Leave the dog out of this.’

  He kicked the chair. It titled. He grabbed it. ‘That’s no way to talk to me I don’t think you’re in a posi–’