Feel

by Karen-Anne Stewart

  Saige looks at my hands holding hers and slowly swallows. I never thought I would touch her again, and she feels just like I remember, better than I remember.

  Andy clears his throat, and I know I’m going to catch hell later but I don’t care. The only thing that matters right now is the woman I’ve thought about every day for the last four years.

  I open my arms to pull her to me, needing to feel her closer, to make sure she’s really here. “Damn, I’ve missed you,” I breathe, tangling my fingers in her hair as I brush my lips against her temple.

  “Don’t,” Saige whispers, pulling away, “please, don’t touch me.”

  The raw pain in her voice makes me want to hold her, protect her, but I’m the one who caused her pain. My chest aches seeing her hurting. I reach for her again, but she pushes me away, anger replacing the sorrow in her eyes.

  “I said don’t touch me, Jensen!” Saige seethes, jumping out of the chair and jerking the van door open.

  “Saige, wait,” I call after her, not ready to let her go after she’s been out of my life for way too long.

  “Hold up, princess. You can’t leave,” Andy slams the door shut again, “we haven’t found out your connection to the bomber.”

  Saige spins around, clenching both fists, as she looks between Andy and me with confusion clouding her beautiful eyes.

  “Easy, girl,” Andy warns, holding his hands in front of him, “I’d hate to have to tie you up again.”

  “No one’s tying anyone up, Andy,” I snap. “She has nothing to do with that bastard.”

  “She was in his apartment.”

  “So were you!” Saige spouts back.

  “What the hell were you doing in the bomber’s apartment, Saige?” I ask a little louder than intended and I struggle to soften my tone, which is almost impossible knowing how dangerous this bastard is and not wanting her anywhere near him. “He’s killed at least seventy people already.”

  I see the shock resonate in her eyes before she thrusts her finger towards my chest, that determined glare I’m very familiar with piercing me. “What are you even doing here? How do you know about this man and why are you after him?” Saige peppers me with questions.

  Letting out a long breath, I rake my hand through my hair, wanting to explain everything, every damn second that led up to this moment. She deserves to know the truth, but now is not the time, “That’s a long story. I’ll tell you all you want to know after the bomber’s taken care of.”

  “Your father is behind you being here isn’t he?”

  My jaw tightens. He is, but not even close to the way she thinks he’s involved.

  Saige shakes her head, “Of course he is.”

  Andy waves his hand in front of my face, “Not to sound like a nag or anything, but I have no idea what’s going on here, and, as interesting as it is standing on the sidelines watching this confusing as hell banter bounce between you and your girl about something I don’t have a clue about, I still want to know why she was in the bomber’s apartment tonight.”

  “I’m not his girl,” Saige informs Andy through gritted teeth, and hearing her say that cuts like hell. She’s been my girl since we were kids, that didn’t change the night she went away. That will never change. Not for me anyway.

  Pulling myself together, I think of Andy’s question. I’m pretty sure I already know the answer, but I ask anyway, “What were you doing in there?”

  “He’s getting ready to kill more people, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let that happen. I was looking for evidence when this perverted dumbass grabbed me.”

  “Hey, watch it,” Andy scoffs.

  “Andy and I will handle him. You need to walk away, Saige,” I warn. “You can’t get involved in this one.”

  “Really?” she mocks, “that’s not your decision to make. Whatever this guy’s planning, it’s going to kill people I know.”

  “I won’t let that happen,” I try to reassure her.

  “Good. We’re on the same page, then. You and your pretty boy lackey can do your thing…whatever in the hell that is, and I’ll do mine,” Saige replies flippantly, completely unlike her…well, unlike the girl she was before.

  “Pretty boy lackey? That is the best you can do, princess?” Andy taunts.

  “Shut-up, Andy,” I bark before turning back to Saige. “Stay away from him. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?” Her words drip venomously. I don’t blame her. I would hate me, too. Hell, I do hate me; I have since I turned away from her when she begged me not to make her go.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her, and I am. I’m so fuckin’ sorry I hurt her, but I had to make sure she was safe, just like I have to do now. “Let’s get your things and take you to my hotel room. Stay there until I get back and we’ll talk.”

  “No! You don’t own me, and you have no right to make decisions for me. You never did!”

  I reach for her, but she jerks her hand away, the action feeling like a punch to my gut. Softening my voice, I shove my hands inside my pockets, forcing myself not to grab her, pull her towards me, and make her understand as I explain, “I’m not trying to own you, Saige. I’m trying to set you free!”

  Saige looks at me for a few seconds, her eyes a haunting mix of vulnerability and determination. For one brief moment, she looks as if she might cry. That moment passes, and a smile curves the corners of her tortured lips as she leans in so close to me, I can smell the soft scent of lilac and mandarin on her skin as she whispers, “Bullshit.”

  “I’ve never lied to you, Saige! Not once!” Anger spills into my words and seems to permeate her dark eyes, making them burn with pain and rage.

  “You never lied to me?” Saige laughs bitterly. “I used to watch the clock every day, praying for the seconds to tick by faster so I could be with you. When I was with you, nothing else mattered; the only people who existed, the only damn feeling that existed, was us! You made me feel free. I loved watching you play Superman and try so hard to obtain some form of power so you could be a hero, like him, but, to me, you were a hero. You were my hero, my Superman! Then, one day you just stopped talking about him; you changed, but you never stopped being my hero…until the day you had them send me away.”

  “You know why I did that! I sent you away to protect you, Saige,” I yell, raking my hands roughly through my hair, trying to expel the guilt and pain. “I’ve never stopped protecting you…never.”

  The hurt in her eyes kills me, and I step closer to her, slowly running a strand of her hair through my fingers. “And, what do you think of me now, Saige?” I ask, needing her to understand, to know that I never stopped loving her, and desperately needing her absolution.

  Her eyes fill with tears as she takes a step away from me. The sadness in her voice rips through my soul, “Fuck Superman.”

  The ache in my chest intensifies. Her breathing is labored as she glares at me, her fists coiled tightly at her side. She brings her soft, full bottom lip punishingly between her teeth again. Her eyes are screaming at me, but she says nothing. A full minute passes as I search for the right words to say. My time runs out as she blinks back tears before turning to leave.

  “What are you going to do?” I yell after her pathetically.

  “Find him,” Saige states simply, not taking the time to slow down.

  “By yourself? What the hell do you plan to do with him after you find him, Saige?”

  “Stop him,” she replies, quickening her pace.

  “Will you stop walking already and answer me with more detail than two fucking words?”

  Andy catches up and pushes me to the side, “Don’t get her talking more! I like her a helluva lot better when she uses less words.”

  “Shut-up, Andy,” I warn before damning my pride and running after her. When I grab Saige’s arm, she flinches and tries to pull away.

  I immediately release her, shocked by her reaction. “I’m not going to hurt you,”
I barely manage to force the words out through the pain crushing my chest as I witness the brief shot of fear in her eyes.

  Her lips part like she’s going to give another smartass remark, but she closes them, pressing those full lips together so tightly they start to pale.

  “You don’t have to do this. You can walk away and start over somewhere else. I’ll help you, Saige. I taught you how to control the emotions. No one has to know what you can do, and you can have a life without all of this.”

  “You might be able to just walk away from people, but I can’t do something like that so easily,” she seethes, the pain burning so brightly it sets my heart on fire. Her eyes close, darkening when she opens them again, “If I walk away, people die. I won’t let that happen just so I can have some pathetic semblance of a normal life.”

  Her bottom lip starts to tremble before it’s quickly sent back to its persecutor and bit so hard I flinch for her and quickly rub my thumb against the punished flesh, freeing the tender skin before it begins to bleed.

  “Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” I growl, wanting to suck her lip into my mouth and taste its sweetness like I’ve done a thousand times in the past. Damn, I want her so badly, my body aches. “I just wanted you to have a real chance to put all the shit behind you.”

  Taking a step closer to me, her eyes sear my entire being. The intoxicating scent of her kills me, but it’s her agony that is torturing as she whispers, “You expect me to just walk away from them to save myself?” The bitter laugh that leaves her lips is so unlike the Saige I remember. Her eyes close again. When they open, they hold me prisoner as she asks, “Could you?”

  I run my hand down her neck and gently fist her hair as I lean so close, I can feel the warmth of her breath against my lips. “You have no idea what I would do, just how far I would go, when it comes to you, Saige.”

  She swallows hard and her voice breaks, “Yes, I do.”

  For a few seconds, I see the old Saige, a spark of the innocence that beckoned me like saving grace thirteen years ago. Then, her fist connects hard against my jaw before I have the chance to see it coming. Biting back a pained grunt, I roughly swipe my hand against my lip, wiping away the blood. My anger vanishes as soon as I see her body trembling. The wild look in her eyes rips my fucking heart out.

  “Stay away from me, Jensen,” Saige whispers so quietly, I can barely hear her.

  “Let me help you.”

  She spins, never breaking her pace as she walks backwards and holds up her wrists, “No thanks; you’ve already shown me your version of help, twice, and I’d prefer to save my own ass.”

  “That girl definitely didn’t get enough hugs from her daddy and had her candy stolen and puppy kicked too many times growing up. Talk about issues, she’d make psychologists all hot and wet to get her on their couch,” Andy cracks, and I grind my teeth, knowing she never got any hugs from her dad or her mom, ever, not once. “Damn, Jensen, that girl is barely hanging on the ledge here. I know you loved her, but I think you need to just let her walk away.”

  “That is not the type of woman you let just walk, Andy,” I growl, thrusting my finger towards the alley, wishing like hell I didn’t let her walk away for the first time. “I did love her. I still do. Once you fall in love with Saige, you don’t ever stop loving her - you can’t.”

  “You can’t? That’s bullshit, man, and you know it. You’re talking like some whipped pansy who needs his ass kicked. You’re immune to people like her. What do you mean you can’t?”

  Glaring at Andy, I make damn sure he knows to shut his trap before I shut it for him. “I’m immune to the gifts people like her and you have, but I’m not immune to Saige. She owns as much of my soul as I do, probably more. But, you’re right about one thing; I do need my ass kicked. I had to get her away from my father and I thought sending her to the music school would give her a chance to have a normal life doing something she loves. Obviously, I was wrong.” Looking down the alley, I shake my head, confused as hell, “What is she doing across the country at a college that doesn’t even have music classes?”

  “A lot can change in four years, but we don’t have the time to contemplate that right now,” Andy states the obvious, staring at me like I’ve lost my mind. He’s never seen me react this way to any girl, and there have been a lot of them.

  “I have to get her away from the college. I’ll meet you in the quad in an hour.” I leave Andy standing there speechless, staring after me as I head down the alley. There’s no way I’m going to lose Saige again. “Wait your stubborn butt up,” I demand, falling in step next to Saige.

  She rolls her eyes and groans, “I thought I made myself pretty clear back there.”

  “I thought the same about what I said, too. I’ll walk you back to your dorm room and we can talk while we pack your things to take to the hotel.” I hope the finality in my tone will be enough to get her to agree, but I seriously doubt it.

  She’s quiet for a few seconds. The warm breeze blows her long, dark hair away from her face, and I almost lose my breath. Memories of touching that face, kissing her lips and the sweet, salty skin of her neck attack me, causing my dick to swell and cock painfully. Having her close enough to take her hand is the sweetest hell. I want to wrap her fingers in mine, go back to when it was just her and me lying out in the field all those nights. The distant haze in her eyes when she looks at me makes Andy’s words ring in my head. Swallowing the fear lodged in my throat that maybe too much has changed between us, I refuse to believe that could be true.

  “What do you want to talk about?” Her voice is hesitant.

  Words jumble in my head and I worry about saying the wrong ones. Gritting my teeth at my newfound cowardice, I force myself to begin, “That night, I couldn’t explain, but I wanted to.”

  Saige tenses. I reach for her hand, but she pulls it away, wrapping her arms tightly around her chest as she walks across the campus parking lot.

  “If I told you why I asked you to go, I was afraid you wouldn’t leave.”

  “You kept warning me to hide my abilities, and I couldn’t. It caused you problems and you were tired of my crap. I get it,” she shrugs, wrapping her arms further around herself.

  “No, Saige, that’s not it at all.” I take a deep breath, “I understand why you didn’t hide what you can do. You chose to help people even when it took everything from you. I was proud of you. I’ve always been proud of you.”

  “Then why did you tell me to stop telling people when I saw that bad things were going to happen to them?”

  Damn, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. “People were starting to talk and paying attention to you.” I pause, trying to figure out how to explain that my father and brother were starting to ask questions. I’m given an extra minute to figure out the best way to explain when we reach the stairs leading to the hall where her dorm room is.

  Saige takes the stairs two at a time.

  I follow her, trying to pry my eyes off her long, tan legs leading to her full, firm ass covered in just the right length of denim shorts. At least that’s one thing about Saige that hasn’t changed - her shyness. Her 5’7” frame is slight and curved perfectly. Her choice of clothing isn’t the typical super short shorts and skin sucking top. What she wears covers her but is still sexy enough to torture a man with wondering what lies beneath. I’ve spent years being tortured. Today doesn’t seem to be any different.

  Saige’s hand rests on the knob. Her fingernails are a bright blue. The color of the sky. Another thing that hasn’t changed about Saige, it looks like she’s still painting her nails happy colors. From the day I met her, she’s plastered bright, cheerful colors on her fingers and toes, trying to give herself a piece of happiness to feel each day. Seeing the same color on her nails today as the sky we used to look up at together for hours as we lay in the grass, is both comforting and fucking heartbreaking. It’s been several seconds and her hand is still on the doorknob. I can see her shou
lders rising and falling with her shallow breathing, probably wondering if she should let me inside.

  “I’ll tell you anything you want to know,” I promise.

  Wordlessly, she slips inside and leans against the door. Her hand still has a death grip on the doorknob and I grin when I see her wrist.

  “You’re still wearing the bracelet I gave you,” I whisper, brushing my thumb across the worn leather.

  Saige pulls her wrist away. “Don’t get all emotional. I just happen to like the bracelet,” she mumbles, her eyes not quite meeting mine.

  The grin never leaves my lips, not buying that excuse. Maybe there is still some hope left.

  “So talk,” Saige prompts, plopping down on the bed on the far side of the tiny room. Her eyes are fixated on mine, a mixture of too many emotions to decipher.

  “Start packing, and I will,” I softly demand while tossing a duffle bag next to her that was peeking from underneath her bed.

  She gives me a scathing glare before letting out a resigned sigh, “Fine.”

  I glance around the room. The difference between the two sides stands out drastically. Her roommate’s half is decorated in all the girly crap that’s expected, from fluffy purple pillows on the bright bedspread to pictures plastered on the wall of friends, and posters of shirtless men. My heart tugs in my chest when I stare at Saige’s blank walls and picture free desk.

  “You said you were going to talk. I’m waiting.” Saige’s annoyed tone snaps my attention back to why I’m here and why I made her walk out of my life four years ago.

  “You mentioned my father earlier,” I begin again, my throat going dry, “I am here because of him but not because of what you think.”

  Saige stops pretending to pack and looks at me questioningly.

  “I’m not working for my father,” my jaw tenses, “I’m actually working against him.”

  Saige’s nose scrunches, “What do you mean?”

  “My father doesn’t work for the government.”