Body, Ink, and Soul

by Jude Ouvrard

  There were a lot of pretenders at the bar tonight and Levi was trying to convince me to get on stage, sing my ass off and hoping nobody else would have the guts to go after me, which might lead to an earlier night. If I was one hundred percent certain it would work, I might have considered doing it, but alcohol was flowing freely tonight. Alcohol and pretenders are a great match when it comes to singing in front of a crowd.

  ''Hey, Rock Star, come on. Get over there for me, please?'' he begged. ''I want to hear you sing.''

  All I wanted, was to steal him away and lock ourselves in the back room and make out. He knew how fucked up my teenage years had been and it didn't change a single thing about how he felt about me. I didn't think about it when I first started telling him everything, but afterwards, I started to regret it. What if he had second thoughts about being with me? I should have known better, Levi was not the typical guy. Nothing about my life would change how he felt about me and other than asking a few questions, he’d accepted my past with no recriminations.

  ''I can sing for you tomorrow morning at the apartment, with my guitar as backing,'' I offered.

  ''Yeah, you could do that too, but after a day like today, I want to see the sparkles in your eyes. I want to see the corner of your lips lift up to meet your eyes. I want to see you wild and carefree.''

  ''You like that, huh?'' I teased.

  I saw Bekka walking up behind Lev with my guitar case in her hands. Oh no, she didn't! I looked again to make certain I wasn't hallucinating. She did! I glared at her, already building up a full head of steam.

  She raised one hand to wave off my outburst. ''Whoa, whoa... before you kill me, let me tell you that this was all his idea.'' She pointed at Levi. ''Your little Casanova here...''

  ''Levi!'' I didn’t need to say more. Anger rushed through my whole body. The fact that they’d done this behind my back frustrated the hell out of me. I saw him look a little alarmed because he’d gotten me mad, then I saw an apology in his eyes, but I also saw his compassion and love. He was able to disarm the bomb which was my temper, in time. ''What am I going to do with you?'' I breathed out in disgust.

  ''I don't know about me, but I’d really like it if you would go up there and sing.'' He offered me his most brilliant smile.

  I grabbed my guitar case from Bekka, still not sure if I would forgive her any time soon for being involved in this plot. My arms and legs were shaking as I unsnapped the case and pulled out my guitar. Adrenaline began pulsing through my veins, as I tried to keep my cool and decide what to perform. My voice was a little scratchy tonight and it would affect what I should sing.

  I stomped up to the stage when the last pretender finished his song, and settled on a high stool which Tyler placed in the centre of the stage. I placed the guitar on my thighs and took a deep breath. I hated Karaoke nights even more at that moment.

  Positioning the microphone at the right level, I started with an acapella version of one of my favorite songs by Alicia Keys. There wasn't a sound in the club as I sang, and I wondered for an instant if it was only my imagination or if it really was that quiet. In between the chorus, I placed the guitar correctly on my thigh and started to warm up my fingers. Each wave of sound made me feel more confident. Levi was standing right in front of me. He looked so proud and happy and his feelings were transmitted to me by the gorgeous expression on his face. God, he is so hot.

  The crowd applauded at the end of the first song. Tiff was standing right next to Levi and her eyes were round like two ping pong balls. She was screaming my name and jumping up and down in excitement, making me feel like I really was a rock star. Levi was laughing at her craziness until our eyes met again our eyes locking in an intense gaze. He was close to the stage, yet still too far away for my liking. I blew him a kiss and mouthed the words, “I love you.” The club crowd were getting impatient for a second song, completely ignoring the momentous fact that I had just told my boyfriend I loved him for the very first time. Not giving me the option to leave the stage, I settled on singing a rock song. Tyler and Bekka manned the bar. I wasn’t certain if they were more busy kissing or serving drinks. Despite my fingers shaking badly, I thought my voice was okay, and the crowd around the stage seemed to think I was offering them what they wanted. As the song continued, I discovered I no longer felt the anxiety I’d had when I first started to sing. When I finished the second song, I tried to walk off of the stage, but to my surprise, everyone started screaming Adele repeatedly. I remembered I’d sung an Adele song at the last karaoke night and they apparently wanted to hear the song again. I handed my guitar down to Levi and walked back to the stool. For a couple of seconds, I sat and looked around the room. This was the life I could lead every night if I wanted it. If I could build on my popularity and get the right sort of backing, every night would find me singing in a different city and my wallet could explode with money. As fantastic as it seemed, it wasn't what I wanted. I started singing Adele’s song and again, I sang acapella. There was no sound in the entire club, other than my voice. When I hit the last note, Lev jumped on stage and whisked me away and into his arms. I couldn't hear anything else but the “I love you” from Levi. He was making me so happy, words failed me and I snuggled against his chest.

  ''You are my Rock Star. Phoenix, when I watched you singing, I was so damn proud. I'm falling in love with you, little girl, deeper and deeper every day.

  ''I am too,'' I whispered shyly.

  His lips crashed onto mine in a passionate kiss. Kissing him was always good, but tonight it seemed even more amazing. The way he held me against him, one hand on the small of my back and the other one behind my neck, made me feel safe and protected. He was always pulling me closer to him as if he could mold the two of us into one being. He took control of my lips possessively and I loved it. The DJ put the music back on and the crowd went back to their conversations and drinks. Levi’s strong arms still holding me, I cupped his face with my hand and told him I loved him again. He’d been careful not to touch my new tattoo but with the rush of adrenaline from performing I was barely feeling the pain.

  Tiff, Levi and I went to eat after our shift. I was absolutely starving, and ordered a cheeseburger, French fries and a strawberry milkshake. Levi ordered a grilled chicken burger but when he kept eyeing my food, I shared with him. Tiff was being funny again, I loved that girl. She was a ray of sunshine and nothing could ever get boring with her around. She kept us in fits of laughter, telling us stories from when she lived in London.

  When we finally got home an hour later, I was exhausted. All I wanted was to get into bed and enjoy at least ten hours of sleep, but Levi had to clean my tattoo before we could get into bed. He took a quick shower while I waited for him, sitting on the couch watching a low budget horror movie. It was so bad, I was laughing when I should have been scared.

  I’d changed into a sport bra and boy cut panties before Levi came out of the shower and he cleaned the tattoo with tenderness, inflicted no extra pain. He applied ointment and pulled me into his arms on the couch. We shared a few kisses and snuggled together, but too soon, my eyelids grew heavy and I could no longer hold back the need for sleep.

  With my cheek resting against his bare chest, I could hear his heartbeat pounding regularly beneath my ear. It was the most beautiful sound ever, and I decided I would never get tired of listening to it. It relaxed me and made me feel connected to him. He slipped his hand underneath my underwear and cupped my behind, skin on skin.

  He fell asleep a few minutes later. I spent a couple more minutes enjoying this moment of closeness, but I eventually lost the battle with fatigue.

  When I heard someone unlocking the front door, I naturally assumed it was Bekka, getting home from work. I kept my eyes closed because I wasn't ready to move just yet and Bekka wouldn’t be bothered about us lying here together on the couch. I feather-kissed across his chest and his arms tightened around me possessively.

  ''Phoenix Maxim Silverstone!'' Mom’s ice-cold voice shocked me to my
core and I jerked away from Levi, sitting up to stare at her in disbelief. Her unexpected arrival couldn’t possibly have happened at a worse time. She’d caught me half naked, sleeping on the couch with every possible part of my body intertwined with Levi’s. My tattoos were on display and so were his. I couldn't lie about what she’d seen or hide it from her.

  ''You’ve been away from home for less than two months and this is what you’ve become?'' she shrieked at me.

  I glanced at Levi with a look of apology and tears in my eyes, before turning back to my mother. I was an adult, in my own home and I could live my life as I wanted to. I needed to explain it to her, and hold my head up high. I’d done nothing wrong. ''Mom...''

  ‘‘Don’t... just don't, Phoenix,” she snapped angrily. “You’ve gone far and beyond every nightmare I had about you. You disgust me. You and your... your...''

  ''He’s my boyfriend,'' I stated calmly.

  ''Everything I taught you, everything we discussed, weren't you listening to any of it?'' She had tears in her eyes, but they weren’t sad tears. They were angry, tears of disappointment. ''What have you done to your own body?” She gave Levi a dismissive look. “He’s bad news, Phoenix. Bad news. What did I tell you about men like him?''

  ''He’s not bad, Mom.'' I wiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks with the back of my hand. ''I love him.'' I took a deep breath. ''I tried to find someone you would approve of, but he didn't care about me, Mom. Tristan was sleeping around. Levi isn’t...''

  She interrupted before I had a chance to defend him. ''I am done with you Phoenix. DONE! I did everything I could to save you from yourself. You’re like your bastard of a father, exactly like him and I don't need this sort of stress in my life.''

  ''I’m sorry, Mrs...'' Levi sat up, looking angry at the verbal onslaught Mom was assaulting me with.

  ‘‘Don’t even talk to me! I hope you intend to take care of her now, because I certainly won't!” She sniffed angrily, her eyes flashing with fury. “Not that I would expect a low-life like you to intend hanging around for long. People like you are the scum of the earth.” She turned her attention back to me. “I came here because I dropped in to the music store and learned you had quit.''

  ''I work in a club now.'' I said, not meeting her glare and still reeling from the verbal attack she’d subjected us to. ''It pays well and I like it.''

  ''Look at me Phoenix.'' I did as she asked. ''I will get the rest of your things delivered to you here. Don't call us, don't visit us. I am done with you and no longer have a daughter. I did everything I could to save you, but you just want to fritter your life away. You’re just like your father.''

  Lev stood up and pulled me into his arms protectively. “Now just hang on one damn minute...”

  He was too late. ''... so disgusted...'' I heard Mom say as she slammed the door behind her, leaving the apartment.

  I slumped onto the couch. ''Congratulations. You just met my mom,'' I said to Levi. ''For the first and most probably the last time.''

  ''She’ll calm down and regret everything she just said,'' Levi said, dropping onto the couch and trying to comfort me.

  I burst into uncontrollable sobs. ''She won't... she won't... my dad, all my life, she tried to keep me away from everything similar to him. The tattoos, parties... she’s right. I’ve become everything she warned me about.''

  ''Phoenix, look at me... please...'' Levi begged, but the sound of my own name made me sick.

  I’d always known she wouldn't approve of Levi. The tattoos, his choice of career, even the type of car he owned wouldn’t be acceptable. None of this was a surprise but her action of disowning me when I was her only daughter... I couldn't believe it. I was heartbroken.

  ''Don't say my name... I don't like the sound of it. I just keep hearing my mother’s voice,'' I begged.

  ''Nix, my Rock Star, you’re beautiful, strong and free. I know it's your mother we’re talking about here, but she just made the biggest mistake of her life.'' He was peppering my forehead with kisses between words. ''I have to say I’m sorry as well. It's my fault, not entirely but I’m responsible for a big part of the issue. I’m not what your Mom wanted for you.'' He cupped my face between his hands. ''I love you, Nix. I know we’ve only just got together, but I love you and I'm sorry for dumping this on you now, for being everything your Mom hates. But I’ll be by your side as long as you want me, okay?''

  ''I love you too, Lev, so much, but please, don't feel responsible for any of this. She’s been brainwashing me all my life about people like you. People with tattoos, the bad boy type, she’s always told me they’re dangerous, evil. People like my dad. She doesn't want me getting hurt like she did, but she just has the worst possible way of dealing with it.''

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to stop crying.'' I think I’m going to go lie down in my room now. I need to relax.'' My whole body was trembling and I was cold, still stunned by the fury of Mom’s anger.

  ''Are you sure?'' he asked, sounding worried.

  ''Yeah, I just need to regain control, think about what happened for a bit.'' I kissed him softly. ''I love you.'' I pulled away from him and immediately felt bereft. I walked to my bedroom, closed the door quietly behind me and fell onto the bed, pulling the comforter over my body. I curled up and snuggled against one of the pillows.

  My mother had always been so proud of me, for the most part. Maybe not when I almost overdosed, but when I had good grades she could barely contain herself. We would go for dinner at one of my favorite restaurant in Seattle and she would get my favorite cake as a special treat. Nothing like that would ever happen again.

  I wanted to call Bekka and tell her everything but I felt too tired to grab my cell phone from the nightstand. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up when my heart was healed. When would that be? The pain in my chest was indescribable.

  Mom was right, I had changed a lot in two months. I’d done everything she’d warned me against. I’d made out with a date on a crowded dance floor, I’d decided in a heartbeat to make love with Levi, I’d had two tattoos done, one of them big enough to covering half of my waist. She was right about every single thing, I’d done everything she’d told me was wrong. There was only one thing in which she was wrong. Despite doing everything she’d told me would make me miserable, I was happy. The new liberty I’d discovered, had made me believe I was truly living my life for the first time.

  I must have drifted off into an uneasy sleep, because when I woke, the sun was piercing through the curtains and the voices on the other side of the door were disturbing my sleep.

  ''She’s been locked up in that bedroom for over twenty hours. I have to get in there, Bekka! There’s no noise coming from in her room, and I'm freaking out!'' Levi shouted.

  “She’ll come out when she’s ready, Levi,” Bekka argued back. “Give her time.”

  “She’s had enough fucking time, I want to make sure she’s okay!”

  They were arguing over me, it wasn't good. I couldn't let this happen.

  ''I'm alive. I’m up.'' My back hurt and my legs felt like I had ran over ten miles the day before. I got up, tried to stretch but stopped because it made me dizzy. I walked to the door and unlocked it slowly. I was nervous as to what to expect from Bekka or Levi. I didn't want puppy eyes. I just wanted to survive this. Before I knew it, Levi had lift me into his arms and he was hugging me with all his strength.

  ''Never do that to me again. It took every ounce of control I have not to trash your door. I was going crazy. Talk to me. Tell me how you feel. I’m here, little star, I’m here.'' He waited for me to look at him. ''For you.''

  ''What the hell Nix? That was so selfish. We were going crazy here. Never lock that door again. We have a right to know that you are alive and fine.'' Bekka was furious.

  ''I’m sorry... Please accept my apologies. I needed a time out.'' Levi put me back on my feet. I covered my face with my hand and rubbed my puffy eyes. ''I'm okay now. I think I’ll be fine. I knew she wasn't goi
ng to approve. Her lost.''

  ''That’s it? You aren't going to try and talk to her. You aren't going to mope around for a month?'' She asked with a surprised tone.

  ''Look... when she said that she was done with me, I believed her. I failed her in every way possible. I know that and you know that too Bekka. You know her. It will be a day to day type of things. Some days will be better than other and that’s just how it's going to be, that’s all.'' I explained.

  ''Just know that we are here for you star. We are.''

  ''I know.'' My eyes were tearing up again, as if my body still had tears to shed. ''Thanks guys.''

  Both of them looked exhausted, their eyes were small and they looked overly tired. ''Have you guys slept?''

  ''We haven't, I think I'm going to go now. I’ll see you later sister.'' She hugged me good night and walked to her room.

  ''Are you still tired?'' My man asked me. ''I can barely stand on my feet. I have to clean your tattoo and go to bed. I have an appointment this afternoon.''

  ''Go. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you all this anxiety.'' My bottom lip started to tremble. I didn't want to cry again, but I was too emotional to hold it back. Inhaling sharply, I pulled myself together. ''Okay, let’s clean the tattoo and we’ll go and lie down, okay?''

  ''Hey Nix, come here one second,'' Levi demanded. I stepped closer to him, keeping my gaze focused on his bare chest. I wasn’t certain I could control my tears if I saw sympathy in his green eyes. Levi waited a second or two, then spoke again. ''Look at me.''

  I slowly raised my head, meeting his intense gaze.

  He brushed his knuckles across my cheek, the gesture incredibly tender. ''I want you to talk to me. If you need to cry, I want you to cry. I’m here for you, okay?'' I nodded slowly and he gave me a winsome smile. ''Now, let me kiss you.''