Body, Ink, and Soul

by Jude Ouvrard

  He lowered his mouth to mine. His kiss was intense, deep - as if he needed the comfort as much as I did. His lips were warm against mine and his heady scent was reminding me of the first morning in the kitchen. I wanted him to make love to me, but I knew now wasn't a good time. He was exhausted and he needed to sleep. I’d been selfish enough in the last twenty-four hours, without taking more from him.

  He cleaned the tattoo before he laid down on his bed. He wrapped his arms around my waist, drawing me close to him and I loved the sensation of being wrapped up against him. I pressed my ear against his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

  Despite my best efforts, my thoughts returned to Mom. I couldn’t decide what would hurt more - knowing someone you loved was alive and well, but you couldn't never see her again, or losing her if she’d passed away? Both options were terrible situations, but I thought the first one was worst. At least if Mom had died, I would grieve for her and move on, knowing she’d loved me. In the situation I found myself in, every day, I would have to live my life, knowing she was alive and refusing to have anything to do with me. The thought of her hating me, disowning me was almost more than I could bear.

  There was no way I would be able to sleep again now, not with the maelstrom of worry spinning around in my brain. I still felt exhausted, but it was mostly stemming from being so emotionally drained. This would be a grieving process, just as sure l as if Mom had died. I had to accept her decision, whether I liked it or not and go ahead with my life. I imagined it would take days or even months before I would come to terms with what she’d done.

  I'd always chosen to give life time to show me the right course of action. There was no other way to survive this time, except to take each day as it came and deal with the repercussion of Mom’s decision. Maybe someday she would get over her anger and call me again. Or maybe, someday I would discover a way to be happy again without her in my life. Either way, I had to try and be optimistic – there was no other way to deal with this.

  With all these different thoughts swirling around in my head, I thought I was on the verge of going crazy. With my head resting on his chest, Lev was already sleeping. Even though I couldn’t sleep, I wanted to stay here with him. His presence made me feel better and I was stronger with his support. My mother thought he wasn't good enough for me, but I knew she was wrong. Every touch, every word he spoke, every smile - he constantly proved how much he cared, and treated me with so much respect and love.

  I laid one hand against his chest. ''I love you Levi,'' I whispered.

  ''I love you, too.'' He mumbled sleepily. He squeezed me gently and fell back into a deep sleep.

  If my life with him could be this good every night, being in his arms like this, I wouldn't need anything else. As long as I had him, I would be happy. With this thought in mind, I drifted back into a deep sleep.

  When I got out of bed later, I looked around the apartment restlessly, and I started to wonder. Is this where I wanted to be? Maybe I would like to get out of here for a while? My whole life had taken place in this city. I had done everything and seen everything the city had to offer. I loved it, but maybe it was time to get out of here. Of course, Bekka would never approve, she would never let me go. Especially not now Val was gone. I was certain Levi would follow me, but what about his shop, his business which was so important to him? His life around here?

  I was in a state of confusion after the nap with Levi. Mom hadn't called to say she was sorry, that she’d made a mistake and we should talk about it. It wasn't her way of dealing with things, but I was secretly hoping she would come around. I’d heard nothing from Carlson either. Maybe he would try and talk Mom out of her plan to cut me out of the family. Carlson and I, we’d always had a nice relationship. I wasn't his daughter, but he’d always treated me like I was. He was the peacemaker, trying to negotiate between me and Mom when we weren't seeing eye to eye. I didn’t know how he would be able to convince her to be reasonable this time. I wasn’t sure it was even possible.

  I made coffee for Levi and Bekka, who were both avid coffee drinkers. I prepared a smoothie with strawberries, watermelon and cranberry juice for myself. It was my favorite. It was almost lunch time and there was no way I could get back to sleep, I had overslept already.

  A shower was exactly what I needed so I dropped my empty glass into the sink and went into bathroom. The need to freshen up was becoming urgent, it seemed like I hadn't showered in a long time. I got undressed and untied my hair, turning around to study my figure in the mirror. For long seconds, I stared at my stomach, my waist. The tattoo. I loved it, but I tried looking at it through my mother’s eyes and I understood her pain. Her disappointment. A glance up at my face revealed my eyes were tired, red, and puffy and they were filled with so much sadness. There was a side of me which was happy and proud of who I’d become, and there was the other side which was haunted by my mother’s harsh words. This side was lost and dark and alone, and I wanted to keep it hidden, not wanting to bother Bekka and Levi with it. They deserved to see my happy side, always, and I was happy when I was around them. It was only during moments like this, when I was alone, when I realized how broken my heart truly felt.

  Chapter Eleven

  Almost as soon as I stood under the spray of the water, I was crying again. I’d set the water to run barely warm because of the tattoo and I shivered endlessly as I cried. I missed my steamy hot daily showers and wondered absently how many days it would take till I could have the water hot again. I stood under the water for a very long time, letting go of my anger and hurt. My heart and mind were numb, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. So I stayed under the tepid water, shaking and sobbing.

  I knew the instant he entered the bathroom, sensing the tension building in the air around us. I leaned my head back under the water, trying to hide the evidence of my tears. His warm arms circled around my waist and his lips pressed against the skin on my neck. The first kiss took all the pain away, the second made me realize how much I’d missed his touch and the third sent me orbiting into heaven. I needed him, desperately. He was my everything.

  "I heard you, Nix. You can cry with me. Don't hide your tears." His warm breath whispered across my skin. "I love you, my Rock Star."

  His words hit exactly the right places. My heart was broken and he wanted to help fix it. I tried to speak but my throat was so tight that nothing but a very low whisper came out. “I love you.”

  I turned in his arms and a smile tugged at my lips. Why was he so adorable? So sexy? Yet mysterious.

  "You’re beautiful, Nix. If you need to cry, you do it with me. You need me and I’m here for you," he whispered against my cheek.

  Despite his reassurances, he had his own pain, and I didn't want to give him mine. I didn't want to become a burden on him. "I love you." I repeated, stepping closer to him. I pressed up against his hard body, feeling the tingle spreading through my limbs, the butterflies in my tummy. He had awakened every nerve, every cell in my body. The attraction between us was undeniable.

  "I know how you feel, Rock Star, because I feel exactly the same way." He nibbled against the sensitive skin near my collarbone.

  "It’s growing every day, getting stronger with every minute I spend with you," I added.

  He chuckled. "Stop... a big guy like me isn't supposed to blush."

  "Oh, shut it, Levi. I’m trying to be sweet and romantic here," I laughed. "Don't ruin the moment." I kissed his lips seductively, biting his lower lip and gently licking the spot with the tip of my tongue.

  "Oh really?" His voice grew huskier as he gazed down into my eyes.

  "From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I felt it, but you were so arrogant that I decided I hated you." I pressed soft kisses across the ‘No Regret’ tattoo. "Your tattoos, your eyes, your smile – they all conspired against me. Deep down, I was attracted to you, even if I tried to convince myself I wasn't." Our eyes met again, and I could see the hunger in his. I bit my bottom lip and
continued. "You were always there to protect me." I cupped his face in both of my hands. "And then, when I came into the shop with Bekka and Val and you did my tattoo, that moment changed everything. Your touch on my skin, having you marking me - I realized then that you had me. I was fighting with everything I had, but you already had me."

  "I want to have you now," he growled.

  I tip-toed to reach his ear and whispered. "I’m not done with you yet." I kissed him some more, tracing a path from his chest, over his neck and chin, until I reached his lips. "That first morning in the kitchen, when you kissed me, it was the best moment of my life. It broke down every one of my barriers, stopped me from worrying about all the rules I’d lived by. You were the only thing which mattered and you always will be."

  "Nix, I'm the one who's supposed to say all these things." He pulled me against him not leaving a hairsbreadth of space between us. We were completely together - bodies, ink, and souls. "Everything changed the second I saw you at the bar. I begged Tyler to introduce me but he refused, said I wasn't your type. Look at us now, I'm so pleased to say he was wrong. I can't stop thinking about you, Rock Star. You may think I'm the one who marked you first, but you’re so wrong, you changed me with your smile and your stubbornness. I knew I had to make you mine. And when I saw you at the tattoo shop, I thought I was fucking dreaming. My girl, the woman of my dreams, in my shop. I knew I had to be the one to tattoo you. I was feeling everything you felt, but at that time you were dating Tristan and I fucking hated it."

  "I’m sorry," I whispered, kissing him softly. "I was trying to be the person I was taught I had to be. Now, knowing you, I’ve learned I want to be me."

  We lapsed into silence, the only sound in the room was the water and our breathing. My need for him was overwhelming and almost impossible to control. I wanted him badly and I craved his touches against my skin. I kissed my way back up his chest, and he rubbed his hands across my back, tracing the line of my spine. The water was getting cooler, but I didn't give a damn because Lev’s body was creating a raging fire in my body. He cupped one of my breasts in his palm and tweaked the nipple with his thumb, his lips seeking out mine, his kisses getting deeper and more demanding.

  He hitched my legs up around his waist and lifted me into his arms, pushing my back up against the tiled wall. He kissed me, deeply, as he pushed himself inside me as slowly and gently as he could. He was fighting his desire, I could tell he wanted to be rougher, but for me, he wanted it to be so much more.

  Lev nibbled on the skin of my neck, getting closer to my ear. It both tickled and aroused me to new heights at the same time. I dug my nails into his back, unable to control myself. The cold water poured down over us and was in direct contrast to the heat of his body against me, inside me, creating different sensations which were about to drive me crazy. He plunged repeated into my body, his movements getting faster each and every time. His grip on my waist tightened as we approached the ultimate prize. I wanted him, I needed him, and as the pressure built, I wanted to feel even more.

  "Lev, I need you,’’ I murmured into his ear.

  He changed his rhythm, pressing harder, deeper with every stroke. I concentrated on the moment and enjoyed every second of it. Levi whispered in my ear, telling me how much he wanted me, how much he loved me. With a shout, he found his release and took me over the edge with him.

  The aftershocks found us collapsed on the shower floor, out of breath and shivering under the cold spray. He was clutching me in his tattooed arms, kissing every part of my skin he could reach.

  "Maybe we should opt for a bed next time, don't you think?" he murmured.

  "Yeah, it might prevent me from dying of hypothermia."

  "Funny, very funny." We both laughed.

  He got up and offer me a hand to help me up. "We need to get your tattoo fixed up and then get you dressed. Your lips are almost blue. You really are freezing."

  When my skin was dry, he rubbed some ointment carefully over the new tattoo and then replaced the lid on the ointment. "Can you grab me some clothes from my room?” I asked. ” I’ll start drying my hair." He left the bathroom with a towel draped around his toned waist and I watched enviously as he walked away. Why was he so hot, all the time? In comparison, I probably looked like hell. I turned on the hair dryer, sighing happily at the heat which was welcome and felt amazingly good against my scalp.

  Levi came back with some clean clothes. Of course, being a man, he’d chosen the fluorescent pink bra with matching panties, a see-through black tank top and a short denim skirt. Apparently, sexy would be the new me for today. The outfit was alright, although it showed more skin than I would normally have chosen to bare during the day. It was an outfit I would have normally worn for work at the bar.

  He’d slipped on a pair of tight blue boxers. One of the things I liked most about Levi was that he never tried to look hot deliberately, and yet he managed it regardless. His hair were in total disarray and only made him seem sexier. I couldn't deny that I was staring at him, literally staring, eyeing him up and down like a model on a calendar. Shame on me. His boxers fit like a second skin, sitting just below his waist, under the ‘V’ which was formed by his amazing abs. Another thing which I loved about him. Lev was in great physical shape but he wasn't over the top muscle. He made great eye candy and I was pleased, very pleased to be his girlfriend.

  "I know you’re busy staring right now, but I have to get going. My first client is due to arrive at the shop in less than an hour. Are you coming with me or staying here?" he asked with a huge self-satisfied smirk on his face.

  "I’m coming. Give me five minutes."

  "Hurry, Rock Star," he whispered and spanked my naked bottom. "Get that pretty ass covered, or we’ll never make it on time."

  "Is that a threat?" I asked, looking at him in the reflection of the mirror.

  "No, it’s a promise." Lev started kissing the back of my neck. I was almost finished drying my hair, so I dropped the hair dryer on the counter and turned around to kiss him better. He allowed it for a few seconds, before he pulled away with a growl. "Stop, Nix, I can’t be late for the appointment." He kissed me again, unable to stop himself. "OK... I'm... I'm... going to get dressed... now..." He slipped out the door, leaving me standing alone in the bathroom.

  When I turned back to the mirror, I had a huge, stupid grin on my face. I quickly got dressed, putting on some mascara and a touch of perfume. My hair was a mess, so I decided to opt for a simple ponytail.

  "Nix, can I come in?" Bekka asked from outside the bathroom door.

  "Yeah, come in."

  She burst through the door and the doorknob crashed into the wall. Without saying another word, she threw her arms around me, hugging me like never before. "Don’t freak out, okay?" She finally said.

  I raised an eyebrow. "What? Why?"

  "There are boxes in the living room. Levi is signing for them with the delivery guy. They’re from your mother."

  The pain Levi had erased came flooding back. "She had my things packed.” I said numbly. “She really is done with me." I knew now, for certain, there was nothing I could do or say to make Mom change her mind. She hated me.

  "I’m so sorry Nix. It's terrible. I don't understand how she can cut you out of her life like this."

  "I do. It's history repeating itself for her. It's her way of taking vengeance. She’s doing to me, what her parents did to her, blaming me for what she went through." I was her biggest mistake, her biggest regret. I had to wonder if she had ever truly loved me?

  "You don't have to look at the boxes now. I’ll get them stacked away somewhere. You don't have to look through them until you’re ready."

  "Thanks, Bekka." I took a deep breath as Levi reappeared in my view. "I have to go out now, anyway."

  "Nix, are you okay? Because it’s fine if you aren't. You don’t have to come to the shop if you don’t want to." Levi watched me with worry in eyes.

  "I’m not okay, but I need some fresh air. Bekka, I'm go
ing with Levi to the shop for the day. Call me if you need anything."

  "Take my hand, Rock Star." Levi seemed to instinctively know what would make me feel better. I clasped his hand and I felt a little better immediately. He was my safety, my heaven, my strength.

  There were six boxes of various sizes sitting on the floor in the living room. I tried to ignore them but I failed. She really did it. She’d even labelled the boxes with bedroom utilities, frames, books. Unbelievable. What about Carlson? He hadn’t called or sent me an email, which was what he would have done normally when Mom and I fought. Maybe I should try to call him. I was certain he would be honest with me but I feared it might be a goodbye call. I shook my head, trying to brush these sad thoughts away. I had to think of something else for now. My day had started wonderfully with Levi, I wanted to keep the good vibes going and not dwell on sadness.

  The car was parked right in front of the apartment. No matter the weather his car was always shining. It was his pride and joy, but I had to admit the car was freaking amazing. It fit him perfectly. A Mustang, which was pretty much all I knew.

  Levi let go of my hand only when I sat in the car. After closing the door, he walked to his side, started the car and put it in drive and link his hand with mine again. "I know you probably feel like shit, but please don't think about it now. Give her some time to come around."

  I knew Lev was trying to comfort me, but I knew, deep down she wouldn't come back or change her mind. It was over and done with. I changed the subject. "Why do you always ask me to hold your hand? It seems to be when something has you worried."

  "I guess you noticed, then..." He raised an eyebrow. "It's a thing my mother used to do and... that day..." Levi struggled for words. "The car accident... when she realized the accident was going to happen. She grabbed my hand and held it with all her strength. She held my hand because it was all she had left. It all happened very fast. It's not something I like thinking about, you know, but she just wanted to show me her love and she tried so hard to protect me. After the impact, her hand was still holding mine, but the strength in her grip was gone. She was dead." He managed a tight smile. “I guess holding someone’s hand always makes me feel better, as though I’m helping them with my strength, like Mom did with me that day.”