Her of the Wood

by Veronica Watts

  "Good," Ailie says. She's smiling, but it's controlled now.

  They spend the afternoon practicing. Ailie makes adjustments on Euodia and shoots some herself. Slowly, things relax and they're laughing and joking again by the time they head back to the community.

  TWELVE

  Euodia's first guard duty alone starts smoothly. She passes the time by weaving some tall grass she's pulled from nearby and watching the horizon.

  There's a stillness here she's never experienced before. Dracon was always full of people. Even when Euodia was alone in a room, she could feel them swarming on the other side of the wall. She wishes that she had a book. That was always her way of escaping, but she couldn't bring them with her. Workers weren't allowed to have screens, and printed books were rare. She only had a few, and she had had to keep them hidden.

  As the day continues, she eats a packed meal quietly and watches the birds dancing in the trees. As the sun begins to sink lower in the sky, a rabbit emerges from its burrow to forage. She stays perfectly still. He inches forward, listening. His ear twitches this way and that as he moves, as he eats. The white fur on his feet and belly is dingy with dust. She hadn't thought it was particularly dry, but he's closer to the ground than she is.

  She wants him to relax, wishes there was something she could do for him, but rabbits are not built to be calm creatures when they're out and about. They are aware and cautious and always prepared to run. Ailie and Hana have taught her that much.

  He's been at work under a berry bush for some time, his jaw moving side to side as juice drips down his chin. She's planning to raid the bush after he leaves. These look like the berries Ailie gave her. Suddenly her mind is on a whole new tangent. She thinks Ailie wanted to kiss her during their archery practice, but there was that hesitance. She wouldn't expect someone so confident to have any qualms about romance. Truth be told, she wants Ailie to make the first move because she doesn't think that she can. Orchid chose not to come with her but starting something with Ailie still somehow feels like a betrayal.

  The rabbit darts back to his hole, pulling her attention back to the world around her, and a moment later she hears the crunch of leaves behind her. She turns to see Callie making her way slowly up the hill. She's breathing harshly by the time she gets to Euodia. She holds her hands up and sits, making it clear that she needs a minute to catch her breath. When her breathing slows, she starts to cough instead. After a few minutes the coughing stops and her breathing evens out, though deeper than usual. "Sorry about that." She grins apologetically. "So, how is your first day out alone?"

  Euodia is not so easily distracted. "It's fine. Can we talk about your cough and what just happened?"

  Callie takes a breath now that shows a little exasperation. "I know this is new to you, but it is not to me. I have always had difficulty breathing if I exercise too hard, breathe in too much mold or dust, or even occasionally if I get too excited."

  Euodia is quiet. This answer doesn't not satisfy her. "I've had this my whole life. Yes, the spells may have gotten a little worse as I've gotten older, and I'm sure there are things out here in the woods that are causing them to happen a little more frequently, but none of this is new or more problematic than anything else that comes with old age." There's a finality to this little speech that Euodia won't touch. At least now she knows that Callie isn't dying of some mysterious illness.

  "How did you know it's my first day out alone?"

  A smile creeps onto Callie's face that speaks of secrets. "I spoke to a lovely young woman earlier today." Euodia's ears perk up. "You may have been a topic of conversation."

  A million questions run through Euodia's head at once. She plays coy. "Who might that have been?" Callie lifts her eyebrow, a look that tells Euodia not to play dumb with her. "What did she say?" There's too much eagerness there, but she needs to know.

  "She asked what you're like." Euodia is confused. She and Ailie spend time together; they've grown close. Ailie already knows what she's like. "I think she has trouble getting a read on you. You know, you play things very close to the chest, Euodia. For someone who wants your affection, that can be a little disconcerting."

  While Euodia is usually good about controlling her words, her reactions can often give her away, a trait that seems to have worsened here, especially around Ailie. She tries to counterbalance it by keeping in what she can. Callie is right; given the opportunity, Euodia feels safest keeping her emotions and thoughts to herself. Safest, but not happiest. Then Callie's words sink in. "Did you say that she wants my affection?" She stares at Callie, waiting for an answer, but the woman stands, slowly, with her hands on the earth as she straightens her legs out underneath her.

  "I think I should get back now. I need to go slowly, and I think there's something out here that might start me coughing again."

  Euodia shakes her head and smiles. She holds up her hand to the woman who holds it for a moment before heading down the hill.

  Euodia is still for a while, but her head is anything but quiet. She spends the rest of the afternoon chasing thoughts in circles and trying to make them fit together. By the time she heads back towards the community, she has to do something.

  She should head immediately to the shed to put away her weapons, but she has to find Ailie, so she heads to the dining hall instead. She sees her walking in with a few of the others and strides towards her determinedly. Ailie sees her and murmurs something to her friends before peeling away from them. Euodia can tell Ailie senses there's something up, but as Euodia gets closer, she loses steam. She would love to be able to walk up to Ailie and kiss her without a second thought, but that's not who she is. She doesn't have the charisma to pull that off. Ailie does, though, and Euodia just wishes she would do it already.

  Euodia ends up stopping a few steps away from Ailie and just looks at her. It's Ailie who finally speaks first. "You forgot to put away your bow. I'll go with you." She says it, but neither of them move. After a moment, without a word, Euodia turns and takes Ailie's hand. She does it without thinking. She needs to talk, and they can't do that here, not the way they need to. She thinks about dropping Ailie's hand. But it's warm, and she likes holding it, and this might be the last chance she gets, so she holds on. People are flowing past them towards dinner, but the crowd has thinned to nothing by the time they get to the weapons shed.

  When they reach the shed, Euodia just stops. She doesn't turn to look at Ailie, she just stands there. Ailie reaches forward and takes the bow and quiver from Euodia's back, returning them to the shed before walking around in front of her. She pulls Euodia's gaze up. "You wanted to talk about something?"

  Euodia's mind is overrun. She started this whole thing, and now she doesn't know what to say.

  Ailie stays quiet as long as she can. "I talked to Callie about you."

  "I know." Euodia's voice is barely audible over the tree branches rustling in the breeze.

  "So that's why you want to talk to me?" Ailie looks nervous. She's peeling a few splinters of wood from a plank on the door. "What did she tell you?"

  She plays it honest and safe. "Just that the two of you talked about me."

  "And that made you find me, bring me out here, and freeze up?" There's that edge again, almost accusatory.

  Euodia goes on the offensive. "Well, what did you tell her?"

  Ailie pauses for a minute, looking straight into Euodia's eyes. When she finally answers, her voice is strong, resolute. "I just asked if there was anything I should know about you."

  Euodia's heart is beating so loudly that she thinks about raising her voice to speak over it, but her words come out quietly; she feels out of breath, like she doesn't have enough air in her lungs to raise the volume any more. "And what did she say?"

  Ailie's lips purse slightly. Her left eyebrow pulls towards the center of her forehead as her right lifts. The movements are so minute that Euodia may not have noticed them any other time, but she is trying to read her because there is something she's not
saying, something she's purposefully leaving out. Euodia isn't sure yet what it is, but she is sure that she wants to know.

  Euodia is focusing so closely on Ailie's body language that she is surprised to hear Ailie's voice when she finally starts to speak. "She told me that you're not as tame as you seem, that you go after what you want." Her voice breaks a little over the last few words, and as Euodia leans forward, she hopes harder than she knew she was capable of that she's read those words correctly.

  Ailie's lips are soft, and Euodia can feel Ailie's smile against her lips. Euodia's hands are still by her sides as she leans forward, awkwardly pressing her lips against this beautiful woman's face. Ailie's hands move to Euodia's cheeks, and Euodia feels herself relax. They're both smiling so much their teeth click. Euodia raises her hands and pauses, trying to figure out where to put them. She brings her right to Ailie's arm and drops her left towards Ailie's waist, but she's forgotten how long Ailie's legs are, and her hand instead rests on the curve of her hip. At Euodia's touch, Ailie pushes her whole body in towards her, against her. There is no safe passage for air between them.

  Simultaneously, they take a breath, leaning their foreheads against each other. It's Euodia who blinks a few times and steps back. "I'm sorry."

  Ailie laughs. "Did that feel like I was asking for an apology?" Euodia looks back up to her. "Because if it did, I was doing it wrong."

  Now Euodia laughs. It's stronger and louder than she means for it to be and elicits a large smile from Ailie. "But if you wanted this, why didn't you just..." She lets her voice drop off. She doesn't know how to say it in a way that won't sound like an accusation.

  Ailie understands. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm generally pretty confident." Euodia smirks, and then Ailie's expression turns a little more serious. "Whenever I've jumped into relationships with both feet, people have followed me, not because they truly like me, but because I'm charismatic. People can easily start to think they want what I want." Euodia thinks about how she has wanted to make Ailie happy. "It can be a great at first, but it becomes a problem down the road, and if we're going to be together, I want that road to be a bit gentler." Their eyes meet as Euodia starts to picture the long road they could have. "I only wanted to be with you if you wanted to be with me."

  All Euodia wants in this moment is to be with Ailie, but instead of saying anything, she takes Ailie's head in her hands and kisses her again. This kiss is light. It's not rushed. It speaks of more conversations and kisses to come, of a future. Ailie lingers, still and calm, and when she pulls back, there is a tear rolling down Ailie's cheek towards Euodia's fingers. There's a vulnerability there that surprises Euodia, maybe the same kind of fear she's been feeling herself.

  Euodia wants to share her wounds and hear about Ailie's, but right now there's a more pressing concern. "I'm hungry."

  Ailie nods in agreement and they turn to walk back towards the dining hall. They walk into the dining hall with their hands entwined, and Euodia feels her confidence fade away. She doesn't pull her hand away, but it takes every fiber of her being to hold on. She keeps waiting for someone to shout, to call attention to them, but no one does, and Ailie doesn't drop her hand until they get to the plate line. The food is rustic, fill your own plate, get what you need. It runs on the same principle as the rest of the community.

  As they take their seats, the conversations around them quiet. Several of the other scouts are smiling, but the conversation isn't funny. Euodia knows they all saw them walk in together. Ailie reaches over to take Euodia's hand. Euodia looks into her eyes, and everything else is quiet. They can brave this together, and Euodia takes a deep breath before she moves her eyes around the table. She swallows the bite in her mouth, smiles, and as she meets Ailie's gaze she can't help but laugh. There are smiles everywhere, and a few members of the group start clapping. At the end of the table, there's a little commotion as Broderick stands and leaves. Euodia turns to Ailie and sees an understanding in her eyes and a smile that says not to worry. Ailie puts her head on Euodia's shoulder and, for a moment, this is heaven.

  THIRTEEN

  Callie is out on the porch with Euodia. "How's that hammock treating you?"

  "It's actually really comfortable. As long as I don't fall getting in and out of it, which I haven't yet, I'm happy."

  Callie doesn't ask why she sleeps outside. She passes Euodia another slice of apple. "You and Ailie seem very friendly these last few days."

  Euodia can't help but smile. They haven't kissed again. They hadn't even walked around holding hands again, but they have been spending their free time together. They've sat on the porch, Ailie telling her more about the people who walked by, and played a game with an antique deck of playing cards. They've been for walks and sat quietly together. Euodia is becoming more comfortable being seen with her, but there is still a restraint there that she doesn't know how to loosen. "She's great, Callie."

  Callie rocks in the hanging bench as she speaks. The ropes creak a little every time she swings back. "Then why do you sound hesitant?"

  Euodia looks out into the fire circle and thinks about the question. "Sometimes when I'm talking to her, it's like I forget it's her." Callie looks at her without judgement, but also without full understanding, so she decides she just has to say it. She knows she needs to talk to someone. "It feels like I'm with Orchid, the girl I was with in Dracon. If I'm being honest, she's the reason I'm out here." She thinks back to one of their first conversations. "Sometimes I look at Ailie when we're talking, and I expect it to be Orchid, and then it feels like a betrayal. I feel like the bad guy."

  "What does Ailie think about it?" Some kids rush by playing ball, and they kick up a whirl of dust onto the porch.

  "I know she can tell there's something wrong, and I leave pretty quickly when that happens, but I haven't actually talked to her about it. I don't want it to sound like I don't appreciate her for who she is." Callie has started coughing, and Euodia stops talking as the cough worsens. She stands as Callie starts to calm down. "All right, let's go."

  Callie raises her eyebrows in question, but she doesn't argue. She follows Euodia. They walk arm-in-arm to the doctor's house. Euodia hopes he'll be in because she doesn't know if she'll be able to get Callie here again; the woman is stubborn. Just as she raises her hand to knock a second time, the door opens, and Manny stares at them through his thick glasses, waiting for an introduction.

  "Hi, Doctor...Manny. I'm Euodia, Norten and Vaness's friend, and this is Callie."

  Like the first time she met him, her words seem to bring him into a place of normalcy. "Ah, yes, it's good to see you again, Euodia. Callie, it's a pleasure to meet you."

  "Callie has a bad cough, and I was hoping you could take a look at her."

  "Of course, come on in." He opens the door for them, and Euodia ushers Callie inside. Callie looks Euodia straight in the eyes, solid. Euodia realizes that if this woman doesn't want help there's nothing anyone can do about it, but Callie's gaze softens, and she shakes her head before walking inside. Manny gestures for them to sit, and heads to a cabinet on the other side of the room. Euodia steps in and closes the door behind her.

  Her eyes move quickly to the shelves of books, and she tries to make out titles as she slowly moves towards Callie. Euodia turns to look at her as she steps closer and sees her sniffing a glass jar of something. "Don't drink that." Callie puts the jar back on the counter where she found it and sits politely in the chair until the Manny returns.

  Callie explains things to the doctor pretty much the same way she had to Euodia. The difference is that he knows what follow up questions to ask. "What does it feel like, physically, when you have one of these episodes?"

  She thinks for a minute. "It depends on how severe it is, but overall, it feels like I have less ability to pull in air. I have to work harder to move a smaller amount of breath in and out. The coughing helps."

  Manny thinks for a minute. He sits, his gaze clouding over. Although he is still facing the
m, he isn't looking at anything. He is entirely in his head.

  "Let's try it." He says it as if he's been thinking out loud, which he hasn't. Euodia and Callie look at each other, but they don't say anything. They just watch as Manny moves over to his work bench and starts mixing dried herbs into a mortar. He cradles the bowl in the crook of his arm as he starts to grind the herbs with the pestle. He turns to Euodia as he works. "I noticed you looking at the books earlier. You're welcome to borrow them, you know."

  She hadn't even thought to ask about borrowing them. How had she missed that?

  "They sort of ended up here because Jin loves books. People use this as their library, and any time the scouts bring back new books, they come here." She walks over and looks over the titles and authors' names on the spines. There are some she knows but many that are new to her. She finds one that catches her attention and pulls it gingerly off of the shelf.

  She flips through a few pages before looking up. "Are you sure that's okay?"

  He smiles as his hands continue working. "I can tell how much you'll appreciate it, and Jin will be happy to have another bibliophile to talk to. Many of us enjoy reading, but not to the same degree." He turns back to the table and sets a leather pouch on its end. He uses both hands to lift the heavy stone mortar and pours the crushed-up herbs into the bag. He hands it over to Callie with directions to drink as a tea twice a day. Euodia thanks him again for the book.

  "It's not a problem, though Jin may accost you with conversation when he sees you. I'll let him know when he gets home." She holds her smile but pauses.

  She looks to the back of the building. There's the room to the left, with a bed for the sick and storage of medical supplies, and there's the room to the right, where she saw Jin the last time she was here. She looks through the door to see a single bed and looks back to Manny to try to hide her curiosity, but he has noticed. He has an eyebrow raised in question, but the smile is still on his face, and he isn't pushing the matter. "Is there something else you need?"