Alone

by E. J. Noyes

Everything is wrong but I can’t say that. “I just…”

  Her touch lightens, thumb sliding down to my chin. “Tell me, Celeste,” she says gently.

  Closing my eyes, I push the words out in a rushed breath. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to stay here without you. I don’t know how to be alone again.”

  “Open your eyes. Look at me,” she says quietly.

  Reluctantly I comply, expecting to see a mocking expression. Her lovely face is anything but. It’s sweet yet burns with fierce intensity. “That’s where you’re wrong, but it’s not for me to tell you that you can do it.” She’s creeping closer. “You have to find it out for yourself, and I know you will.” Olivia reaches for me and I step into the circle of her arms. She hugs me hard then releases her grip slightly without letting me go.

  This hug feels different, more intimate somehow though it’s the same press of body to body as always. I let out a long breath, then inhale again, imagining I’m breathing some of her in to keep with me. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know.”

  She leans back slightly, putting some space between us. “What’s going to happen when you’re finished with the experiment?”

  “I guess I’ll find somewhere to live, get a job and try to forget about you.” Saying it out loud actually eases some of the tension in my throat. I’ve known all along that it couldn’t go anywhere. Aside from the fact she’s leaving and I’m staying, she has a job and a house and a life. A life I can’t fit in to. Nor can she fit in the life I had out there.

  “You want to forget I was here?” she whispers. Though the words are quiet, they’re laced with an intensity that is both strange and exciting.

  “No,” I choke out. “But I can’t trust what I’m feeling because it’s all mixed up in this.” I wave my arm vaguely, as if that gesture could encompass everything that’s tied into this place.

  “This is one of the realest things I’ve ever known, Celeste.” Her tongue flashes out to sweep along her upper lip. “Tell me, what are you feeling?”

  “I’m not sure. This feels special somehow and it’s just hard for me right now, Liv…to think that this place is all I’m ever going to have of you.” I make myself look at her, to keep eye contact. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to whine.”

  “It doesn’t have to be all there is, Celeste.” Her fingers tighten on my biceps. “You’re not going to be here forever. Perhaps when this is over, we can meet up again and see what happens.”

  “I don’t even know where you live.” It seems laughable to think that we’ve never spoken about something as basic as where we’re from.

  “Just outside of Seattle.” She releases me and moves to the door of the greenhouse. “You?”

  “Chicago. Or at least, that’s where I was living before.” I shrug. “I’ve never really felt like anywhere was home.”

  “Well, when you’re finished with this, let’s just see, okay? We don’t need to etch anything in stone right now, but I would like to see you again when you get out. I know that for certain.” She loops her arm through mine, leaning into me as we make our way back over the uneven ground toward the house.

  “A lot can change in seven months. Feelings change.” Not mine, I’m certain of that. But hers probably will.

  Her chin lifts, and her gaze is sure and steady. “True, but sometimes feelings only get stronger.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  After dinner, she showers while I do the dishes. Then we swap and she dries them while I shower. This back-and-forth, the way we cook and do chores together, is seamless and organic. Would Liv and I be the same out there, if we’d met in a bar or been introduced by friends? If I’d bumped into her on the street, scattering her groceries to the sidewalk? An awkward first meeting after matching on a dating app? I’ll never know.

  Liv shakes her head when I offer another glass of wine, and suddenly I don’t want any more either. I drain the last mouthful of mine and hold out my hand for her empty glass. She smiles her thanks and passes it up to me. Her forefinger strokes mine, the touch sending a light burn over my skin. Suddenly it’s very important that I wash the wineglasses right now instead of leaving them for the morning the way we usually do. I leave Liv on the couch with a vague statement letting her know I’ll be back in just a minute.

  “What’re you running ’way from?” Heather wonders idly. She sounds like she’s been drinking. What day is it? Thursday and three-dollar cocktails at Mary’s. I’ve never known anyone who could slam four mojitos in her first hour and still be standing—and talking—the way Heather can. “You like her. Big deal. Insta-love is totally a thing, Celeste. Or insta-lust, at least.”

  “Celeste?” Olivia’s behind me, her hand on my shoulder a lead weight I can’t shake off.

  “Yes?”

  “You’ve been staring at the sink for three minutes.”

  “Oh.”

  “Turn around,” she says softly.

  Reluctantly, I comply, but move away from her to stand next to the refrigerator. I can’t meet her eyes. I’m too afraid of what I might see in them—the soft understanding that makes something inside me twist and break and mend itself all at once.

  “Look at me. Please.” She keeps telling me to look at her. Doesn’t she know how hard it is when I always feel so off-balance around her?

  I raise my eyes to hers, and they are absent of any pity or even that knowing expression I’d expected. Instead, they are bright. Almost feverish. Her hand cups my cheek. “I’m leaving the morning after tomorrow.”

  “I know,” I mutter. Why does she have to bring it up? Why is she reminding me of the worst thing in my life right now? I press myself against the refrigerator door, my hands behind me flat against the cool stainless surface. She follows me and she’s so close there’s no room to move or think or breathe.

  “Not even two full days. There’s not enough time,” she says hoarsely, desperately. Liv’s thumb brushes softly over my upper lip, then traces the curve of my mouth. Her soft exhalation seems almost reverential. “You’re so beautiful, Celeste. Can I kiss you?”

  The question lingers between us like a wisp of smoke. I let it solidify into something real then pluck it from the air and draw it close where I can examine it. I didn’t know this was what she really wanted. I’d hoped and dreamed but I didn’t know she wants it as much I do.

  I nod, hardly daring to believe she’s asking me. I give her my wordless yes, the desperation for her overriding everything else. Her hands are warm and smooth against my cheeks, holding me in place. Olivia pauses, her gaze moving from my lips back to my eyes as though she’s making sure I still want this. I do. I want it. I can’t think of anything I’ve ever wanted more. My hands come up to gently touch her waist. Then she leans forward and kisses me.

  Kissing.

  I’d forgotten how much I love it. Forgotten the give and take, the testing and teasing. I’d forgotten the first tentative touch of a tongue, shy then growing bolder. Olivia lets me lead, matching me every time I push or retreat. It’s sweet and hot and I want more. So much more. I pull her closer until our bodies touch at almost every point. She groans.

  Heat spreads from my lips, down my neck and into my belly. Then lower. My arousal is a wildfire and I know I should pull away and let it go out, but I can’t. Not with her. But I have to. I yank my hands from her waist and clench my fists, jiggling my arms by my sides. “We should stop,” I breathe.

  “Do you want to stop?” Her voice is low and husky, her breathing short and shallow, and the naked want in her eyes rekindles my desire.

  “No,” I manage to choke out. “But…we barely know each other.” Despite that, it feels as though we’re a few seconds away from falling into bed. People sleep with people they just met all the time. One-night stands are a thing. They were my thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting her.

  “You screwed that girl from the bar ’member? The one with that fantastic tattoo,” Heather reminds me in her fifth-mojito-of-the-night voice. “You only
knew her a coupla hours.”

  I scrunch my eyes closed.

  Fingertips dance on my neck. “Celeste.”

  I open my eyes again and drag them up to meet hers. Olivia brushes hair from my forehead. “I want this,” she says, quietly but firmly. “Wherever it takes us. But we don’t have to do anything if you’re not comfortable. It’s okay if you’re scared or just don’t want to.” The implication of her words reaches deep. She’s giving me the choice and all the power to make this decision for us.

  “No it’s not that. I want to, I really do. I…I’m just worried I might be overwhelmed. If that makes sense? It’s been so long, and I don’t want to be rough with you.”

  Liv’s mouth twists into a seductive smile, and she lets out a soft chuckle. She steps forward again, placing her hands on my hips, then leans forward and brushes her lips against my ear. I shudder and the tingle slides along my spine and down my legs. Her tongue flicks lightly over my earlobe. “Oh, sweetheart. I want you rough, and hard. I want you soft, and gentle. I want you every way, whatever you give me and I want to give it all back to you.” She pauses a moment to let her words sink in, then slowly slides her tongue up my neck, ending with the barest nip just under my ear. “And God help me, I’m so turned on that I want it all right now.”

  I can’t do anything but nod and fumble out a single word. “Okay.”

  Our frantic relocation from kitchen to bedroom gives way to a slow, sensual undressing. Olivia is languid as she pulls my shirt over my head and bends to bury her face in my breasts. She makes a quiet sound of appreciation, kissing my nipples through my bra before she unfastens and pulls the fabric off. My jeans are unbuttoned, my skin explored and worshipped with lips and hands, and I can do nothing but stand there and allow her to do what she wants. She tugs my jeans and underwear down until I’m standing in front of her naked, and uncharacteristically uncertain.

  Olivia lowers herself to sit on the bed. Her hands glide lightly over my torso, leaving gooseflesh in their wake. She looks up, eyes hooded with desire and utters a single, simple sentence. “Oh, my…wow.”

  She exhales, leaning forward to press kisses to my thighs. So close. I hold my breath while she skirts around my sex teasingly, maddeningly. I lower my gaze to watch her make her way back up my belly, all too aware of the feel of my arousal. Hot and thick and desperate. There are no thoughts that make sense, only pure and carnal need. I climb onto the bed and take none of the same care removing her clothes—my frantic fingers are clumsy as I undress her and pull her back down on top of me. Our kisses grow hungry, the desire almost burning but when I reach for her, she grabs my hand and pulls it away.

  She holds my hand, fingers curling around mine. “Not yet, sweetheart, just wait…” Olivia slides her thigh between mine, giving me pressure where I need it, but it’s not entirely selfless. She’s grinding herself against me, slick against my skin, a low panting moan accompanying her movements. Excitement builds in my stomach until it’s a tight knot taking up almost every bit of space, leaving room only for the anticipation, which spreads downward in a low, constant throb.

  Liv props herself up, tracing her fingertips over my face, leaving nothing untouched. Lips, eyelashes, nose. Her fingers run over my eyebrow, back and forth along the sensitive skin of the scar that bisects it. She kisses me lightly. “I want you to fuck me so badly, but first…” She brushes my jaw with soft lips. “…let me make love to you.”

  “You slut. Whore,” Mother spits into my ear. I slam my eyes closed on her, the effort of trying to force her out making me tremble.

  “Celeste? Hey, hey.” Hands are in my hair, warm against my face, lightly touching my mouth to bring me back to myself. I open my eyes again to find Olivia’s, dark and guileless and full of lust. “What is it, darling?” she asks.

  “Nothing,” I whisper.

  “There’s no need to hide that from me.” She brings her head close so our foreheads are touching. “There’s nobody else here, Celeste. It’s just you and me. Okay?”

  I clench my teeth, begging myself to forget about everything else except what’s happening right now in my bed, in my body. “Mhmm.”

  “It’s you. It’s me. And it’s this.” Her fingers slip over my wetness. “It’s only this, sweetheart.”

  I capture her lips again, my hunger rising as she makes slow, lazy circles over my clit. Anticipation and excitement flutter in my stomach, mixing with the deep pulse of arousal until I can barely stand it, arching into the pressure. I’d forgotten how something in my legs twitches when lips and tongue touch my nipples to suck them into hard peaks. I’d forgotten what it feels like to have hands on my body. I cry out, feeling the imminent threat of climax. I want it, fuck I want it, but it’s going to be over far too quickly and I’m afraid this is all I’m going to have.

  Lifting my head, I can’t help my desperate, choked, “Oh God, no, I’m going to come.”

  Liv’s expert guidance holds me right on the precipice without letting me fall over and then the touch withdraws. “No you’re not, not like this.” A sexy, throaty growl.

  I groan, bucking my hips to find something to keep that exquisite pressure, lest my climax slip away and be lost. But there’s nothing. Liv takes my chin in her hand, kisses me forcefully then makes her way down my body. I’m explored and worshipped again, her tongue finding every spot that makes me pant and gasp and beg. Lips close around me, unbearably sweet but not enough to send me over the edge. When she reaches up to thumb my nipples as her tongue works me toward release, I can’t help but gasp. Desperate to hold something back, I bite the side of my hand to keep from crying out but a moan escapes anyway.

  My teeth are locked hard in my skin. I have a fistful of blanket to keep me grounded but I’m still being carried away. Her hand gropes blindly over my torso, searching for me, and I pull my hand from my mouth to grasp hers, our fingers intertwining instinctually as she pushes me higher and higher. I crest, and this time she carries me over. I cry out my climax and this touch, her hold, tethers me to the earth even as my body tries to float away.

  Time stutters and slows. We lie face-to-face. Not talking. Just being together. I’m no longer here or there. For now, I simply exist and nothing more. Strangely enough, I’m okay with the thought. I follow the curve of her lips with a forefinger, memorizing the landscapes and the textures of her face.

  Liv tucks my hair behind my ear. “Are you all right?”

  “Mhmm. You?”

  “Yes. Perfect.” Despite that assurance, she’s squirming, and after a few seconds she adds a smiling clarification. “Except for one small issue.”

  I can’t blame her. She hasn’t come yet—a situation I need to rectify. I laugh softly. “I’m very sorry.” My thigh slips between hers, feeling her heat again.

  She pulls me closer, her answering laugh slow and sensual. “I hate to ruin the mood, lying here with you is incredible, but I wonder if you wouldn’t mind helping me out?”

  Reaching between us, I feel how slick and hard she is. I groan and murmur a helpless, “Oh fuck.” Kissing her slowly, I let my tongue sweep over her lower lip before slipping inside to caress hers. A gentle push and I’m on top of her. Liv locks her good leg around my waist, pulling me closer, wanting more. She’s trying to grind against my hand but I hook my arm under her knee, stretch her up and spread her apart.

  Fingers teasing her clit, dipping gently inside her and then out again. I drag my fingers up to my mouth and suck the taste of her from them. She’s sweet and delicious—that thing you’d been without and forgotten you love…until you have it again, and you wonder how you ever went without it. I’ve been starved and I didn’t even know it.

  Liv groans. “That’s so fucking sexy.” She pulls me down for a kiss. Hard and frantic now, her tongue dueling with mine, like she’s trying to taste herself on me. I bite the skin of her neck and enter her again, claiming every hidden ridge.

  I feel each flutter and clench, amplified by our shared desire. The tightening a
round my fingers, the tension in her muscles, the low moans and gasps she’s making tell me everything I need to know. My teeth graze her neck, her nipples, then I soothe them with long sweeps of my tongue. She tastes of sweat and soap and something that I can’t name but that is just her.

  When I wriggle free and begin my pilgrimage downward, Olivia lifts herself from the bed, propped up on her elbows. We keep eye contact the whole way down and she watches every lick, nip, and suck over her taut belly, curved hips, muscled thighs until I come back up to the junction between her legs.

  “Spread for me,” I beg. “Can I taste you?”

  Liv offers herself to me, whispering, “Please, please.” A gentle hand tangles in my hair.

  She’s magnificent, like a piece of ripe fruit. Her plummy folds glisten with arousal, begging to be tasted. She writhes desperately but I want to look at her first. I need to see her, to commit this to memory so I can think about her when they take her from me. I try out words in my head and then quickly discard them again. There’s only one thing I can say, and when I finally manage to utter it, my voice breaks with emotion. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

  Hands reach for me, fumbling over my arms and shoulders. “Please, Celeste, I need you.”

  I kiss her clit lightly and with that simple kiss, my tongue and mouth remember what to do. When I make my first tentative sweep, she moans and fills my mouth. I’d forgotten how it feels to have arousal wet against my chin, hands tugging my hair, thighs clamped around me, holding me, supporting me, begging me. She makes me remember everything. She makes me ashamed that I’d forgotten how this can be. I drown in her and I don’t care if I never break the surface to take another breath again.

  Olivia grows and swells. I feel her heart beating under my tongue, the pulse growing with each sweep I make. I thought I’d forgotten this but with every look and touch, I remember. I remember how I fit between thighs with my shoulders braced and toes curling in the sheets. I remember how my arm is long enough for my hand to trace over breasts and dig nails into skin. I’ve been here before, in this moment in time. But being with her in the now is entirely new.