Alone

by E. J. Noyes

  “Oh God. Just like that. Fuck me, please,” she begs. Liv cries out when my tongue flicks under her clitoris and my reward is a renewed flood of her essence. “I’m going to come,” she murmurs, then lets loose a long, hoarse string of Italian that I can’t decipher. I slip my fingers inside her, and she says something I do understand. “Don’t stop, Celeste, right there…there, that’s…I’m coming…”

  * * *

  Awake. Entwined. Indistinguishable. She’s pressed to my back, one arm around my waist holding me tight and the other under my neck cupping my breast lightly. Warm, even breaths blow across my cheek. I’m sore in all the good places, muscles tight from hours of lovemaking.

  For so long, my body hasn’t felt like mine and now it does—the change natural, simple, organic. I close my eyes again and reconnect with myself. I say a silent hello to my breasts, my thighs, my hands. I apologize to myself for my indifference. For my detachment. For my apathy.

  The hand on my waist moves to make long and lazy sweeps up my belly before I’m pulled tighter against her. She kisses my neck, nuzzles my skin. “Good morning.”

  “Morning.” I roll over, still enclosed in the cage made by her arms.

  She kisses me, her lips warm, soft, and soothing as though she simply wants to spend a lifetime languorously kissing. “How are you?” Liv asks.

  “Good.” It seems an inadequate description, but to tell her that I feel like I’m suddenly a whole person again feels too deep. Being this close to her now feels strange and a shyness overwhelms me. Gently, I slip from her grasp. “I’m going have a quick workout.”

  “And I’m going to fall asleep again,” she counters.

  I use the treadmill, wanting to stay inside where I can be near her. Olivia is still in bed when I finish and take a shower, but she stirs sleepily when I come back to get dressed. I sit on the bed, running my hand over her bare arm. Even without the veil of desperation and lust from last night, I revel in the feeling of skin under my fingers. “I’ll start coffee.”

  “Wonderful.” Smiling, she stretches, a little moan escaping as she arches her back. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

  Coffee gurgles and drips. My teabag is steeping. Every now and then there’s a dull thud outside, likely snow falling from the roof. I’ll need to shovel the paths to the greenhouse, shed, and solar panels. Footsteps sound behind me. She’s not using the stick I made her, but her gait still has the barest traces of a limp in it.

  Then she’s molded against my back and sliding her arms around my waist. “Mmm, you smell good.” Soft kisses on my neck. I lean back into her, my eyes closed. Lips brush over my ear. “Are you sure you’re all right, Celeste? I kind of just sprung that on you last night, and it was probably pretty intense.”

  When I twist in her loose grip, she lets me go so I can turn right around to face her. “Better than I’ve been in a while.” I pull her close, keeping my hands on her hips. “It was intense but also…incredible.”

  “Incredible, huh?” She grins, a little cockily. She has every right to be cocky.

  “Yes,” I say seriously.

  “For me too.” Olivia takes my face in her hands and kisses me sweetly. My shyness from when I woke beside her evaporates and we spend long moments just kissing. Her nose brushes over mine before she pulls back. “Is that coffee ready?”

  I pour some for her, add the right amount of sugar and set her mug on the counter. “I need to check in. I’ll be back in a little while and we can have breakfast?”

  “Sounds good.” Olivia pulls the mug toward herself, a smile teasing her lips. “I’ll be here.”

  Reluctantly, I leave her to go back to the tedium of my life. Logging, reporting, making lists all seems loathsome and pointless now after the wonder that was last night.

  Cont E: Hello, SE9311. How are you?

  SE9311: Hi, I’m good. Can I ask you a question?

  Cont E: You may.

  SE9311: She’s really here, isn’t she? Olivia - you’ve seen her? Spoken with her? She’s not a false thing?

  Despite all of it, I still don’t quite trust myself, that I haven’t just made up an elaborate companion. All in my head. The world’s hottest, most amazing wet dream.

  Cont E: Yes, she is real. On that matter I need to advise that there’s been a weather delay on our end and we can’t extract Ms. Soldano tomorrow morning as scheduled.

  My heart beats hard against my ribs, knocking around my hopes and anxieties. We’re going to have more time.

  SE9311: When will you get here?

  Cont E: It’s hard to say. Could be a few days or might be a week. How are you with provisions? Will you be okay for a while longer?

  I can’t make my fingers work fast enough to type out just how okay that is, and make a mistake that I have to delete. I type it again slowly, making sure my words are clear and they’ll know I’ll be okay for as long as necessary.

  SE9311: Everything’s fine. I can manage for quite a while still.

  Cont E: Even with an extra person in the compound?

  SE9311: Yes. It’s fine, really.

  Cont E: Thank you. We’ll be in touch when we know more. Could you please advise Ms. Soldano, and pass along our sincerest apologies for the delay? We’ve emailed her family on her behalf but if she would like to contact them herself again, please let us know.

  SE9311: I will. And I’ll tell her all of that.

  I almost type thank you, but stop myself just in time.

  And then Controller E is gone. I make a quick report for them, avoiding details of last night. I haven’t even said anything about Liv and I touching or hugging, and I’m certainly not going to lay out the intimacies we shared.

  Olivia looks up from her nest on the couch where she’s curled up with blankets and cushions, coffee on the table and book in her hands. “Is everything all right?”

  “Mhmm fine, but there’s been a weather delay with tomorrow’s pickup. They aren’t quite sure when they’ll find a window, but it might be another couple of days or perhaps a week.”

  Her expression is unreadable. “I see. So…no ride home yet?”

  “Not yet, no. They’ve sent an email to the address where they forwarded the video, but if you want to write something or make another video, they said you’re welcome to.”

  She shrugs. “We’ll see how it goes. An email to my father on my behalf will suffice for now.”

  The excitement of possibility has my blood humming. I make myself coffee, taking my time pouring and stirring. When I sit beside her, she stretches over to kiss me. I rub my knuckles softly over her cheek. “I’m sorry. You must be getting sick of being cooped up in here with me.”

  “I’m nowhere near sick of being here with you.” Olivia shuffles so she’s behind me, legs on the outside of mine and her hands resting on my shoulders. Her thumbs dig in, finding all my knots and trying to get rid of them. “And I couldn’t be less sorry that they can’t collect me yet.”

  I believe her but it still doesn’t ease my discomfort. “Mmm.”

  “Are you okay with it?”

  “Absolutely,” I say instantly. “But it’s just…the longer you stay, the harder it’s going to be. For me.” My head falls forward, neck relaxing under her touch even though the topic we’re discussing is anything but relaxing.

  “Celeste, you’re going to be just fine. You’re so strong, look how long you’ve been here. It’s just a little more time once I’m gone. I know you can do it.” She’s trying hard to soothe me, to placate me but it isn’t working. It’s not her fault of course, she can’t know what it’s really like.

  “I’m sure I can, I just don’t want to.” I reach over and set my coffee on the low table. “What happens after, Liv? How am I supposed to just keep going like nothing’s happened? Like we never—” The thought just stops, like my brain can’t comprehend what comes after this.

  Her hands still a moment, then resume their methodical kneading. “I’m not sure.”

  I can’t eve
n think about it, not having her, because I can’t even recall what it was like before. No face, no voice, no scent, no touch, no taste. I tilt my head to look back at her and move the subject away from the thing that wants to strangle me. “That feels really good.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  Her hands slide over my shoulders, brushing my collarbone before coming to rest on my breasts. She squeezes lightly, thumbs teasing my nipples. “How about that?”

  “Feels even better.”

  I feel her pressing against my ass. Hands are inside my shirt, pinching nipples that are now painfully erect. “And that?” she asks in a low voice. I groan, and she yanks my shirt over my head.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Every moment I have to spend in the computer room is a moment I don’t get to spend with Olivia. Our time together is already too short, and the irritation of wasting it on telling faceless people how I feel has me rushing to wrap up my morning reports.

  SE9311: Nothing you need to talk to me about?

  Cont B: No. Thank you for your logs.

  SE9311: You’re welcome.

  I don’t even remember what I wrote yesterday.

  Cont B: The weather system is still unstable, but as advised, we anticipate the transport will be there within a week. We’ll keep you informed as best we can.

  One week, or perhaps less. That’s all we have. It’s nowhere near enough time.

  SE9311: Thank you.

  Fuck you. My face screws up the moment the thought intrudes. It’s not Controller B’s fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It just is. It’s something I cannot control, another thing in a long list that is beyond my reach or understanding.

  Cont B: Are you all right, SE9311?

  I glance at the camera in the corner and nod.

  Cont B: How is Ms. Soldano?

  It’s sweet the way they call her that, as though from the very beginning when I told them her name and how she’d come here they’d applied some measure of respect to her.

  SE9311: She seems fine.

  Cont B: How are you finding sharing your space?

  It’s wonderful. It’s heartbreaking.

  SE9311: The whole thing is a little strange, but I’m getting used to it. She’s very easy to get along with.

  I hope they aren’t paying attention to how much I’m blushing.

  Cont B: I’m pleased. Please let us know if anything changes. And you’re due to video log for the week.

  SE9311: Right, sorry. Things have been all up in the air and I forgot. I’ll get on that right away.

  Cont B: Thank you. Enjoy your day and we’ll be in touch.

  Of course they will. Before I can stop myself or think about what I’m going to say I bring up the video logger. The little window that shows me my face also shows me that my hair is a mess. Quickly I pull it back into a ponytail and start the recording.

  “So, I guess what you’re really interested in is how things have changed now Olivia is here. It was weird and awkward, and a little horrible to start with. I didn’t know what to say or do and it was really overwhelming. It’s a lot easier now but sometimes I still feel strange, like I’m second-guessing myself every time I say or do something. Also…I feel connected to her which makes me feel even weirder because I barely know her.”

  I exhale a deep sigh. “Actually, it feels good to say this, to verbalize all my confusion. I don’t know what part of my feelings are real and what’s just because she’s the first person I’ve seen and spoken to and, uh…touched in over three years. I guess, if nothing else, it’s a good thing for your study to see how quickly someone who’s been alone will latch on to the first person they see. I’m kind of grateful to have had it happen here, because I’m super embarrassed to think what I’d be like when I get out. Like, I’d probably have fallen in love with the first person I saw, but this is kind of a test run where it’s less embarrassing to admit that you think you’re in love with someone you only kind of know.”

  Love.

  I open my mouth to take it back, to cover it with some joking slip-of-the-tongue explanation. But there aren’t any explanations or jokes that will cover the truth of what just fell from my mouth. I shut off the recording, log off, and leave the room.

  Liv’s sitting at the table with a board game set up, waiting for me. “No problems?”

  “No, everything’s fine. Sorry it took a while. I had to do a video log for them.”

  “That’s quite all right.” She holds her hand out to me. “Are you ready to start this game?”

  I really don’t feel like playing Monopoly right now, but she wants to. “Sure.” I take her hand and let her pull me closer until I’m standing between her slightly spread knees.

  Liv releases my hand and slides an arm around my waist. She pulls me tight, resting her face against my belly as her other arm wraps around my butt. When she exhales, the warm air pushes through my shirt to touch my skin. “I wish we could stay like this,” she says. “Just for a little while longer.”

  “Me too.” My hands go to her hair, gently running through her dark waves.

  Liv leans back to look up at me. “But we can’t, can we?”

  It takes every bit of strength I have to agree with her. I shake my head, and my response is surprisingly steady. “No, we can’t.”

  The truth is, what I want doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I think it’s cruel and unfair. It doesn’t matter that she might want the same as me, though perhaps with less intensity than I do. We are bound by things beyond our control, and the only thing that matters is that we make the most of the small amount of time we have left.

  * * *

  I’m living my own personal, reversed Theory of Relativity where all the wonderful time with her is slowed down instead of sped up. When I wake in the morning, naked and warm with her against me it’s easy to forget, for just a moment, that we are marching toward our inexorable conclusion. The only thing that’s stopping me from breaking down completely is the idea that I might see her again when I finish up with the study. If she hasn’t moved on from this strange fling or whatever it is we’re doing.

  Midafternoon, Liv sets up the board on the dining table for our first chess game, while I pour wine and put out a bowl of chips. I make my opening move, pawn to E4. She stares at the board, teeth worrying her lower lip and after almost two minutes, she answers with pawn to C5.

  I smile. “Sicilian defense. One of my favorites.” She’s clearly not a novice player and I’m simultaneously excited for the challenge, and absolutely certain I’m going to be outmatched.

  “Mine and my father’s favorite too.” Liv reaches for her wine.

  I counter with knight to F3 and the game is on. Liv is careful and clever, and I feel like she’s always four steps ahead of me. I like chess, I know the theory and strategy—mostly from re-re-reading books in here—but I’ve never mastered that intuitive foresight of really good players. Liv plays chess like her life depends on it, and with every move she makes I learn a little more about her.

  She doesn’t do anything without thoroughly examining the board, and then my face, then the board again. I imagine her, in her other life, navigating her work and personal life the same way. Thoughtful, careful. She’s not sneaky about her moves, everything is open and clear but intensely competitive. She plays proactive to my reactive. We break here and there to get more snacks, pour more wine and steal kisses in the kitchen. We have a quickie on the couch and she starts a casserole for dinner.

  Before we stop to eat, we’re still battling for the upper hand but I have to admit she’s probably going to win the game. After we’ve eaten her delicious meal, I gather our dishes, dump them in the sink and run water. She half-rises from her chair. “Leave them, Celeste. I’ll take care of it.”

  “No, you made dinner and I’m already up.”

  It takes less than ten minutes to wash up, and she’s quiet the whole time I’m in the kitchen. I hear footsteps as I’m pulling the dishwashin
g gloves off and a moment later warm hands cup my breasts, and fingers find my nipples to pinch them into tight points. “Stay there,” Olivia breathes, her touch drifting down over my stomach to unfasten my jeans and yank them down.

  I jolt at her touch and set the gloves aside, turning my head to find her. “Liv, I—”

  But I’m shushed with a firm kiss. She’s pressed hard against me, hips pushing into my ass, breasts against my back. She’s kissing me, tasting my neck, nuzzling my hair. Her fingers are on my clit, pinning me in place and I can’t turn around. Then she’s inside me, deep, finding all my hidden places.

  While I’m braced against the sink, Olivia takes me hard and fast, with her teeth in my neck and a hand closed over my breast. I gasp with every firm stroke until my climax comes, too quickly, and I ride out the waves, shuddering under their weight. Once I catch my breath, I turn to face her and it’s then I realize she’s wearing nothing more than a bra and panties—like she started to undress but was overcome with lust. She has her fingers in her mouth, sucking me from them. I grab her hard and kiss her furiously, possessively, pushing her toward the bedroom.

  Liv stops and yanks her panties down. “No, right here. God I can’t wait. I need you to fuck me.” She glances around, eyes wild, then backs up to the table and hops up to sit on it. Legs spread, she reaches for me and I’m on her in seconds, fitting right between her thighs. My jeans are still at half-mast, thighs slick with the aftermath of my climax and now, fresh arousal.

  She’s so fucking wet, it paints my hip as she grinds on me. I’m in slowed-down time. I feel every single precious moment. My shirt is tugged over my head, bra gone. I take hers as well, dropping it on the floor next to mine. Nails dig into my ass, heels against the back of my thighs pull me closer, urge me harder and faster. I slip inside her heat and thrust. Gently at first, wanting to hold her on the edge of climax for as long as possible, but her panting and writhing soon makes me abandon that idea. So I fuck her. Just like she asked me to.