The Return (A Decision of Love Book 1)

by Tzar, Anastasia

  “Are you calling for anything in particular? It’s okay if you need to talk, but I was . . . uh . . . just wondering why all of a sudden you wanted to talk to me.”

  No. It was not all right. Talking to him was bringing back feelings and memories I had no business thinking about. The entire morning had been spent checking the phone, waiting for his call. Not good. There was no happy ending to this path we were taking.

  “Because, I miss you and Adam. Damn Lar, no one knows me like you do. I love you. God, I’ve never stopped loving you.”

  The words dropped like a lead weight on my heart. I flinched. Oh, shit. Did he just say what I thought he said? No. He couldn’t start doing this to me again. He was not going to suck me into the vortex.

  “You don’t mean that.” Great, keep going you sound like a family therapist. “I’m sure you’re confused. What’s happened recently?” My fingers drummed on the granite top. My foot bounced on the rung of the stool.

  “What the fuck, Laura. You sound like my God damned shrink. Nothing has happened other than I’m older, wiser and know I was a giant fuck-up.”

  Don’t fall for it. “Why do you think that? Your career is booming, you have a good relationship with your son, you’re wealthy and secure. Don’t you think you’ve done well?” All of this delivered in my best therapeutic voice.

  “I love you. I want us to be a family again. Quit talking to me in that fucking sing-song voice. We belong together.”

  His comment knocked the wind out of me, literally. My lungs actually deflated. “Whaaat?” I sputtered, gasping for air then rapidly blowing it through pursed lips.

  “Are you all right? Can you breathe? Stick your head between your knees. Fuck, don’t pass out on me.”

  Dropping my head between my legs, I inhaled through my nose, hearing a whoosh as the air entered my lungs and exited my mouth. Holding the phone balanced between my head and shoulder, the mouthpiece dripping spit, I blew in short spurts.

  “That’s it, Lar. Holy shit, keep breathing. Oh God! Talk to me.”

  Breathe. Stay calm. It’s a panic attack. I had no intentions of dying on the phone with Josh.

  “Hello. Are you there? Sweet Jesus, answer me, Laura. I love you. Baby, you have to know, I’ve never stopped loving you. I’m going to be a good father to Adam.”

  He wasn’t helping. A part of me wanted to laugh. Did he really think I was dying? He was giving me his goodbye speech as if they were the last words I’d hear before leaving this earth.

  “Don’t die on me. Laura?”

  “I’m here.” My voice sounded raspy.

  “Sweet Jesus. Thank you.” He sighed, exhaling air.

  “Josh, I can’t talk to you right now. I need to get some water.”

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  “No. I need to hang up.” The phone clattered when I dropped it into the receiver.

  Sweat beaded my forehead. My hands shook. Where was my angel, Vivie? Why wasn’t she home yet? Collapsing on the sofa, I felt like a balloon that had lost its helium, I covered my face with my hands trying to disappear. What had brought this on? What was going on with Josh that all of a sudden he’d had a great epiphany? Why now did he decide to declare his undying love?

  Maybe Adam knew something he hadn’t told me. He rarely brought his father up in conversation, but the times that he did, he talked to Dan about him more than to me. No, if he didn’t know anything, it would panic him. He’d call Josh wanting to know what was wrong. Maybe he had a tumor on his brain, the part of the brain controlling rational behavior. I’ll suggest a complete physical if he calls back.

  The front door opened. “Helloooo.” My mother called out in her fluttery voice. Please make this quick. I am not in the mood to deal with her.

  Vivie bounded into the family room. “Mommy look what Nana bought me.”

  Pulling her onto my lap, I crushed her little body to my chest. “I missed you. Did you have fun?”

  “Yes. Look. Nana got it for me.”

  Clutched in her innocent hands was a Barbie-look-alike pole dancing, hooker doll. Pole included. My eyes darted to my mother.

  “Tell me this isn’t what it looks like?”

  “She wanted it. She loves watching the girl swing around the pole. She thinks she’s a fireman.”

  I pried the doll from my daughter’s fingers. “Mother, she is not a fireman. She is a stripper, a pole dancer.” My face turned to Hilda, but she just shrugged. “Vivie, this is not an appropriate toy for a little girl. We need to give it back to Nana.”

  Tears filled my precious daughter’s eyes. “But she saves lives. Nana said she made people happy. She’s mine.” She threw herself at me, trying to retrieve her doll. I shot my mother the dirtiest look I could muster, my forehead puckered, my eyes slit, glowering at her.

  “Come here, give Nana a kiss, angel girl. We have to leave.”

  That’s it, hit and run. She was famous for running out when I called her on something. My mother avoided confrontations at all cost.

  Vivie trudged over to her Nana, her lower lip trembling. “Bye Nana. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, Vivie. We love you very much.” My mother planted a wet kiss on Vivie’s cheek, then she rolled her eyes at me, managing a half-hearted smile and a quick flick of the hand.

  “Bye darling. I’ll call you.” She almost pushed Hilda into the plant in her haste to exit. “Gosh, she gets more like her father every day, God rest his soul. She needs to take a laxative—that’s what she needs to do.” The words wafted back before the door closed behind them.

  Chapter 3

  The house phone rang. Ignoring it, I quieted Vivie down, hid the pole dancing doll on top of the bookcase, and then got her ready to go to the park. As the door shut behind us, it continued to ring.

  This entire ‘I love you. I want to be a family again’ stuff was ticking me off. As much as I’d worshiped the ground Josh walked on, thought I lived a perfect life with the perfect man, my life with him was all smoke and mirrors. Isn’t that what they say when something appears to be one way, but it’s actually much different? If my father were alive, he’d say, “It’s a bunch of bullshit, Laura.”

  We’d been a couple since tenth grade. His family lived five doors down from ours. Thinking about those years, I remember laughter, and sex wherever we could find a private place. We lived together in college, getting married at the end of our junior year. For the first ten years, I walked on air and lived on love.

  We were married for twelve years before I gave up, realizing he wasn’t going to change. The last two became a nightmare filled with accusations and screaming. By then, Josh was making a name for himself in theater and film. We were getting ready to move to L.A. The thought of living in California without family or friends, stranded with a husband who fucked every starlet he worked with, gave me the courage to divorce him.

  Stop thinking about it. Don’t let him worm his way back into your psyche. He’ll destroy your fragile grip on happiness.

  “Okay, peanut. Let’s go play in the park.”

  It took me five minutes to drive to our neighborhood park. Lifting her out of her car seat, she ran ahead to claim the only empty swing, clutching it with her little hand until I got there to help her onto the seat.

  “Where are we going today? Do you want to fly to the ocean or the mountains?”

  She squealed when I pulled the swing back then let go. “The mountains,” she shrieked, trying to mimic the older kids by pumping her little legs back and forth.

  If Adam was a younger version of his father, Vivie was a younger version of me. Her long blonde hair tumbled down her back in gentle curls. Aquamarine eyes, which startled most people, were the color of a tropical sea on a sunny day. Her round face with a heart shaped mouth always wore a joyous smile, inviting everyone to be her friend.

  I left her to fly over mountains, taking a seat on the bench next to Mary, my best friend.

  “What’s new in the Jamison love nest?” Sh
e turned to yell at her son, Timothy, to stop running. “Is Mr. Hottie still the stud of the century?”

  “You don’t want to know. It’s too bizarre to talk about.”

  “You jest, right? If it’s about sex or anything from the land of wild foreplay, I absolutely want to know. It can’t be trouble between you and Dan, he worships the ground you walk on.”

  “He might not if he finds out Josh called me.”

  Mary knew all about Josh. We’ve been best friends through college. She’d witnessed my mental collapse during the years prior to my divorce.

  “Why wouldn’t he call you? He’s Adam’s father.”

  “If that was why he called, it wouldn’t be a problem, but he called me to tell me that he still loves me. Do you believe after four years, he says that to me?” The heat flooded my cheeks. Her scrutinization made me fidget on the bench. Avoiding her eyes, I turned toward Vivie swinging.

  Mary’s eyes bulged. She grabbed my hand. “Shut your face. Fuck, I’m hot.” She fanned herself. “It’s still impossible for me to connect our Josh to Josh Gavin, the movie star. It’s weird to think that once we were all irresponsible drunks hanging out in your apartment eating scrambled eggs slathered in ketchup and drinking beer for breakfast.”

  My forehead wrinkled. “What do you mean, our Josh? Don’t tell me you were on his hit list.” A knot grew in my stomach. Not, Mary. She was my best friend.

  “Don’t be stupid. I was a roly poly even in college, not to mention your best friend.” She giggled. “I use the term in a collective sense. It gives me a thrill to tell people we spent the night together. Of course, I omit the fact that I was passed out drunk on your beat-up sofa. Or that the two of you were going at it hot and heavy in the next room.” She sighed. “How many people know an honest to God movie star? It gives me status in their eyes.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “Probably or a pathetic groupie. So give. What is he calling for? If you don’t want to talk to him, send him my way. I could use a daily thrill.”

  “He wants us to be a family again.”

  “Whaaaat?” Mary’s eyes bulged. “He does know you’re married to Chicago’s hottest ad exec, right? Not that it would intimidate or stop him, he does own the title of the world’s sexiest man.”

  Shaking my head in frustration, I squinted my eyes at her. “You’re crazy. When did you start measuring men by their looks?”

  “Oh, puleeese. Who doesn’t like to gaze upon a hot guy? You freaking married two of the world’s best. It doesn’t mean I want to devote my life to them. I’ll take my Charley over them any day. Second thoughts on Dan. He could probably make me give up Charley in a heartbeat. He has substance and hotness. Josh is just a hot mess of a bastard.”

  “Right. Does he think I’m going to ditch Dan and go running back to him?”

  “Oh God, he’s going to screw it up for you. He’s always had some kind of hold on you. Don’t fuck this up, Laura. There aren’t too many Dan’s in the world.”

  “I have no intention of fucking anything up with Dan.” My eyes shifted to Vivie, who was lying across the swing pretending to be an airplane. “We’re very happy.”

  Mary’s eyes bore into me. “I sense your insecurity raising its ugly head.”

  “Don’t pay attention to me. I’m a total ass.”

  “Tell me.”

  “You’ll just laugh and make fun of me.”

  “You’re kidding, right? Who listened to you for hundreds of hours when you finally faced the fact that Josh screwed around?” Her forehead furrowed. “Who picked up the pieces, trying, in their feeble way, to glue you back together? Moi. In case you don’t know, that’s French for me.” She leaned toward me expecting an acknowledgment.

  “And I love you for it. You are and will always be my best friend.” I plunged ahead knowing Mary was going to laugh at me, but what the hell. “We had unbelievable sex last night. Seriously, the best ever.” Thinking about his tongue and what he’d done with it sent shivers down my spine. Tingles got busy attacking my parts.

  Mary squirmed, fanning herself. “Oh God, I’m already getting hot. That man is so fucking amazing.”

  “Do you know what I said this morning? He was rubbing against me, kissing my neck, getting me all worked up again.”

  “Hopefully, you blessed him for his endeavors then asked for a repeat. Oh geez, he rubbed his big boy against you?”

  “Exactly. That would be the expected reaction. Instead, I asked him if he was cheating on me.” The thought brought tears to my eyes.

  Mary took my hand. “You poor thing. He’s not Josh, Laura.”

  “That’s what he said, but how do I know. It was ages before I found out Josh was fucking every girl in skirts. What if Dan is doing the same? My track record isn’t very good when it comes to picking men.” Hands trembling, my eyes focused on the children playing, a tear rolled down my cheek.

  Even here in the park, watching my beautiful daughter swing, the thought of Josh with other women made me want to scream obscenities at the world. Life was unfair. I was fucked up.

  “Laura, you don’t have any track record. You were with Josh from the tender age of sixteen. You married Dan months after the divorce was final.”

  “Do you think Dan is cheating?” My heart stopped beating. My body stiffened, hands twisting in my lap, waiting for her answer.

  “Shit no. But it doesn’t matter what I think. Yes, it does matter. I think you’re setting yourself up to see Josh. If you think Dan is cheating on you, it gives you an excuse. In your feeble mind, it justifies your behavior.” Mary reached for my hand. “Maybe you should see a therapist to help you overcome your trust issues. I understand why you have them, but you need to work through this, or you’ll drive yourself crazy, not to mention screwing things up with Dan.”

  “I’m afraid I’m going to push Dan away.”

  “Did this all start after Josh called?”

  “He called yesterday and again today.”

  Mary looked off into the distance, her eyes brightening. “Look who’s here.”

  Following her gaze, my eyes locked onto Dan’s. He was dressed in his suit, his tie loosened, walking toward me. He flashed his sexy smile. I had been silly to think Dan would ever be unfaithful. What man leaves work early to come to the park? I ran to him. Safe again. That’s how he made me feel once he drew me into his arms.

  “I love you, baby. I am not cheating on you. Why would I look at other women? I have everything I want right here?” His lips touched my cheek. “Do you believe me?”

  My heart melted at the concern in his eyes. I nodded my head, unable to speak around the lump in my throat.

  “Daddy.” Vivie shrieked, her little legs trying to run toward him. She fell. Dan rushed to scoop her up in his arms, smothering her face with kisses. He swung her around, laughing at her giggles.

  Mary put her hand on my arm. “Does that give you any comfort? He adores you. Talk to him. Don’t let him find out from someone else.”

  Dan held Vivie in his arms. “Let’s take mommy home. She needs lots of hugs and kisses.”

  My stomach clenched when he winked at me. It only took a look for Dan to ignite a fire. I was an idiot for questioning his love. Dan turned to Mary, his smile lighting his eyes. “Hi Mary. How’s Charley doing?”

  “Hey, Dan. He’s busy at the hospital as usual. I should have married someone who didn’t work sixteen hours a day, someone who’d surprise me at the park and give me hugs and kisses.”

  “If Charley wouldn’t kick my ass, I’d give you a hug.”

  Dan’s arm slipped around me, his fingers massaging my waist, sending shivers down my spine. “Ready to go home?”

  He looked at us. We both nodded. He secured Vivie in her car seat then got into the driver’s side.

  “Did you walk over here?” I gazed at his profile.

  He cupped my chin in the palm of his hand. My heart fluttered. “As soon as I noticed your car was gone, I walked over. Do you b
elieve me when I tell you that I love you? Only you. You are my life.”

  Heat filled my face, and I nodded. “I just go off the deep-end sometimes. I know you love me.”

  “Baby, there will never be anyone but you for me.”

  “I love you. I hate myself when I get this way.” My eyes stared at his hands gripping the steering wheel. He had beautiful hands with long fingers, ideal for playing the piano, perfect for performing magic on my body. All I wanted to do was get home, snuggle on his lap, and feel his hands touch me.

  “Laura, you scared the shit out of me this morning. It was impossible to get any work done. Baby, I love you.”

  My lower regions tingled when he ran his hand down my cheek.

  He smiled. “My plan is to make all your fears disappear as soon as Vivie goes down for her nap.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me, smiling seductively.

  I burst out laughing.

  Vivie was nodding off in the back seat.

  His muscles tightened when I slipped my hand inside his shirt. “She’s already falling asleep. She had a busy two days with my mother.”

  “Then let’s get home and get it on.”

  Happiness bubbled from deep inside me. I placed my hand on his thigh, digging my fingers into his flesh. He groaned, rubbing his hand across his chin.

  “You’re not planning a repeat of the bathroom counter again, are you?” My body was already preparing for his magic.

  “Oh baby, I have more than that planned for you.”

  Chapter 4

  Dan carried the sleeping Vivie to her bedroom. Laying her on her bed, he covered her with her purple quilt while I watched from the doorway. She’d sleep for at least two hours after her busy overnight with Nana and then the park.

  He took my hand, leading me into our bedroom. My stomach launched into a frenzy of erupting volcanoes.

  He pulled me into his arms, slow dancing with me. “I love you,” he whispered huskily his hands caressing my back. “You’re the only woman for me. I don’t need to validate myself with other women.” He started singing the song he’d written for our wedding night, You Soften Me. While he hummed in my ear, my fears faded.