Anonymous Bidder

by Robin Roseau

  "Oh, excellent," I said, putting full sarcasm into my tone. "A scum sucking lawyer as witness. Just what we needed for the festivities."

  "Hey!" Vickie complained.

  "You vouched for her integrity," I said. "Did you know about our history when you did that?"

  She looked at me for a moment and then nodded.

  "Then I think my comment stands."

  She sighed. "I suppose I shouldn't blame you, but you don't know everything."

  "You're an idiot."

  "And you don't know everything."

  "And it doesn't matter whether I do or not. There is no way anyone on the planet would have gone through what I did and not reacted pretty much the way I did. And even an idiot would have figured that out."

  "I suppose you're right," she said. She looked around and took one of the seats. And then every pair of eyes turned back to the entrance. If there was a signal, I didn't see it, but Noelle Chambers stepped into view.

  "Hello, Violetta," she said.

  * * * *

  "Hello, Stalker," I replied.

  "I don't have any video or pictures. I would never intentionally hurt you."

  "Great. Now that's settled, and I can sleep at night. Oh wait, I was just starting to again."

  "Is there any chance I could get a hug?"

  "Sure," I said. "Your sister is right there." I gestured to Meryl.

  She sighed. "Right. You're a lot calmer than I thought you might be."

  I looked at The Marys. "I don't believe they switched allegiance. So the only thing they're guilty of is poor judgment. That's something I can forgive." I looked around. We were out of seats. "I guess you get to squish yourself onto the couch. You have a half hour to explain this... whatever this is, and then I'm out the door."

  She didn't squish herself onto the sofa. She moved to sit on the coffee table, which put her a lot closer than I was comfortable, and so I scrambled from the seat and moved behind it, putting it between all of them and me, my hands resting on the back.

  "What did you think I was going to do?" Noelle asked.

  "Don't know. Don't care. I don't want you that close."

  She took a breath, another, and then tried offering a smile. "I never hated you."

  "Yeah, you were always so full of smiles for me."

  "I reacted very badly when we were kids," she replied.

  "Ancient history that has nothing to do with any of this," I said.

  "Actually, it has everything to do with it," she replied. "Pretty much everything you believe is wrong."

  "I believe the sun rises in the east, the modern GOP is controlled by people intent on fucking over the planet and the people on it, lawyers can't be trusted, and the question of pie vs. cake is best answered with 'both'." I cocked my head. "Care to argue with any of those?"

  "Are you really going to pick apart my semantics? If so, then I think I need more than the half hour you promised."

  "Maybe you should speak more precisely."

  "Violetta," said Maryann, "do you believe you understood what she meant?"

  I looked over at her. "Quiet."

  "Do you?"

  I sighed. "Yes."

  "Then can't you trust Marybeth and me for 30 minutes and cut her some slack?"

  "Fine," I huffed. "Everything I believe is wrong. So you didn't stalk me. You didn't set me up. You didn't..."

  "When I ran in high school, it wasn't because I hated you. It's because I'd been having the exact same thoughts, and I was afraid of them."

  "Ancient history."

  "It matters," Noelle said. "Because that was the defining moment between us. Hell, it was the defining moment in my entire life. I was presented with something glorious, and I ran from it."

  I stared at her for a moment, and she didn't rush me. Then I looked over at The Marys. "Do you believe this crap?"

  "We don't believe it's crap," Maryann said. "And yes, we believe her."

  "I'm sorry, Violetta," Noelle said. "I can't begin to explain how sorry I am. I went home and sobbed, because I knew two things. I knew I hurt you, and I assumed I hurt you so badly that you would never forgive me. And I knew I was too much of a coward to act on my feelings. Maybe if I were older than 17, I would have known it was possible to seek forgiveness, and I should have tried. But I was young and stupid. But I was right about the second part. I was too afraid to act on my feelings."

  I stood up straight and crossed my arms in front of my chest. "Fine. You're not 17 anymore."

  "I'm sorry, Violetta," Noelle said again. "I hurt you, and I'm so sorry. Can you forgive that scared 17-year-old girl?"

  "And everything since we were teenagers?"

  "One thing at a time," Maryann suggested. "Can you forgive her for actions from half a lifetime ago? And maybe you can forgive the 15-year-old, too."

  "I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Every bit of your self-esteem issues are from that moment," Maryann said. "She hurt you, but after that, you kept hurting yourself. Maybe it's time to forgive yourself for being young and stupid. Maybe it's time to stop letting what happened when you were 15 define how you see yourself or how you think the rest of the world sees you."

  "Violetta," said Vickie. "Do you know Muriel Hayes? She bid on you."

  "Yes," I said. "I know Muriel." I said it as indifferently as I could.

  "You're the only woman she bid on."

  "And that should make me feel special?"

  "She bid on you for two reasons. First, you looked great. But second, and more importantly, because she thought you'd be kind."

  "I looked great?" I said. "For crying out loud, I just followed Daphne Emeralds onto that stage."

  "Daphne's a classic beauty," Vickie said. "You're the girl next door, which is still very attractive but more importantly, far more approachable."

  "Fine. Girl next door. Blah, blah, blah. What does that have to do with anything?"

  "What does that have to do with anything?" Maryann asked. "Do you believe Vickie?"

  "Of course I don't believe her."

  "And that's my fault," Noelle said. "And I'm so sorry, Violetta."

  "No," Maryann said. "It's not your fault, Noelle. Violetta owns that. She's the one who holds that incident close to her heart while ignoring everything that has happened in her life ever since."

  I turned away and walked to the window, staring out into the night. "I want to hear the rest."

  "Do you forgive me from my stupid mistakes when we were kids?" Noelle asked.

  I nodded. "Yes."

  "Do you forgive yourself?" Maryann asked.

  I didn't answer. We had a period of awkward silence, but finally Noelle spoke again. "Those were never looks of hate, Violetta. They were looks of guilt."

  I turned around to look at her. Her brow was furrowed, and she was slumped, but she was watching me intently. "I've spent all the time since then feeling amazingly guilty for what I did, and every time I saw you, it was a reminder. It hurt, both because it was a reminder I was continuing to be a coward, and that made me miserable. But also a reminder that I'd hurt you, and what could you possibly think of me."

  "You've had years to apologize."

  "I know."

  "And you found a pretty fucked up way to try to do it."

  "I know. I told you I was afraid."

  "With cause."

  "I know."

  I turned back to stare out the window. Noelle gave me a minute then said quietly, "You broke a promise to me."

  "Oh, that's rich."

  "That night, at the wine bar. You promised to give me a chance to explain. I told you that you were going to be upset, but you promised you'd give me a chance. You didn't. Charlotte even told you why Noelle always looked at you so horribly."

  "None of this is my fault," I said with bite to my voice. I rounded to look at her. "I've been kicking myself for all these years, thinking I was stupid. Thinking I was wrong. But now you're sitting here telling me I wasn't wrong. You did like me."<
br />
  "Yes."

  "Years of castigating myself! Every time you looked at me, I wondered how much you hated me, how much I must have hurt you. I kicked myself over and over for being so stupid. I've never been willing to trust my judgment since, about anything. And you're telling me at 15 I was right?"

  "Yes."

  "God damn it!" I screamed. I spun back to the windows, rage filling me. I clenched my fists, wanting to hit something. And I was not a violent person. I never hit. I never threw things. I had never in my life expressed my frustration or anger in a physical fashion. But right then and there, I wanted to hit something.

  It scared me, and so I stood there, barely holding in the remaining screams, barely holding my temper in check.

  "I'm sorry," Noelle said. "I'm trying to make it right. I am. I'm trying to give us another chance."

  "You can't make it right. How do you make right 17 years of self-doubt? I've made career choices on the assumption I was utterly clueless about people." I spun around. "I based my entire life on that moment."

  "That's your fault," Maryann said. "And it's damned fucking time you let go of it."

  "My fault."

  "Who bases her life off one bad choice when she was 15, and not even that bad of a choice. It's not like you actually hurt anyone."

  "I thought I hurt her," I said, pointing to Noelle.

  "Let's assume the worst," Maryann said. "Let's assume you had scared the crap out of her-"

  "And turned her into a raging homophobe?"

  "I've been telling you for years she's not a homophobe," Meryl said. "You refused to believe me."

  "So this is my fault?"

  "Some of it," Maryann said. "Take ownership of it and forgive yourself."

  I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for any of this. We'd been having a nice time, and they sprang this on me. I didn't appreciate it. No, not at all.

  "Whatever," I said finally. "How much time is left on the alarm?"

  Maryann glanced at it. "Twenty-two minutes."

  "Well, you've got another 22 minutes to tell me how else I'm to blame for all this, then I'm out of here."

  "That's not what I'm saying," Noelle said. "I'm trying to apologize for what happened when we were kids, and then because I was too much of a coward to apologize in all the years since."

  I stared at her for a good fifteen seconds. "Fine," I said eventually. It wasn't even said with all that much attitude. "So you've apologized. It's going to take me a while to get used to that. But why bother now?"

  "Because I never stopped loving you. And you like me."

  "Excuse me?"

  "Well, you liked Charlotte."

  "No, that first part. No, wait. Both parts. What?!"

  "I don't know when I began to want you. I didn't recognize it. I was young and didn't understand my own feelings. Then you laid it out there, and I panicked, but I certainly realized by the time I got home that I'd made a huge mistake. That I wanted you exactly the way you said you wanted me. But then it was too late."

  "It wouldn't have been too late."

  "I thought it was too late. I didn't think you could possibly forgive me after how I behaved."

  "Fine. Ancient history."

  "Maybe I put you on a pedestal, Violetta," she admitted. "I don't know. But I loved you. I loved everything about you. I loved how you looked, and how you laughed. I loved the way you cocked your head, always to the left, when working something out. I never stopped. I haven't done very well in relationships since because no one has been you."

  "You're insane," I said. "I guarantee you one thing. I am nothing special, and you would have gotten bored of me like everyone else has."

  "That's not true," Maryann said immediately. "The only part about you that's boring is this self-deprecating attitude."

  "I thought we weren't going to pick on someone's semantics this evening," I said to her. I turned back to Noelle. "I think you're down to twenty minutes."

  "Look. Violetta. I wasn't trying to hurt you."

  "What were you trying to do?" I asked. "It sure wasn't apologize."

  "Okay, maybe it was stupid. But I saw you were doing the auction. And I couldn't stand the idea of someone else bidding on you. But I knew you wouldn't accept if you knew it was me."

  "Damned right on that one."

  "You like me."

  I raised an eyebrow. "I liked you. When I was 15."

  "You like Charlotte."

  "You mean the woman living a lie who I never saw, who never spoke to me?"

  "Lots of relationships start online these days," she said. "Internet gaming and stuff like that. I hear of people having weddings inside those games they play. We had a connection."

  I would have argued with her about it, but I couldn't.

  "And you liked the way I treated you, even though it was weird," she continued. "You liked more than that."

  "Shut up," I said.

  "Well, you did," she said firmly. "And you told Charlotte that I looked pretty damned good at the grocery store."

  "What do you want, Noelle?"

  "I want you to forgive me. Everything."

  "This is about more than that."

  "And I want you to give us a chance."

  "A chance for what?"

  "To be together."

  Avoidance

  "You're insane," I told Noelle. I looked at The Marys. "I don't know why you agreed to this insanity."

  "We believe her," Maryann said. "And we think you never got over her."

  "You're insane then, too."

  "I came out to my family," Noelle said. "I started with Meryl. I was pretty sure she wouldn't judge."

  I considered carefully before I said anything. That was a big deal, and I wasn't going to be a complete bitch about it. "How did it go?"

  "About how I feared," she said. "I think I'm off the Christmas list."

  "I'm sorry," I said. I looked at Meryl. "Will your parents come around?"

  "Probably not. But unless they do, they're cut out of my life, too."

  "Meryl, no," Noelle said.

  Meryl smiled at her sister. "Mom was not happy when I told her the only way she was ever seeing her grandson was if she could tell you she loves you."

  "Oh, shit," Marybeth said. "You go, Meryl!"

  Noelle and Meryl clasped hands for a moment. Then they both turned back to face me again.

  "I'm sorry," I said. "I wish it had gone better for you."

  "Thanks," she said. "Meryl and Isaac are being cool. That helps. So."

  "So." I looked around the room for a moment. "I don't appreciate being blindsided." I looked at The Marys. "I don't appreciate the way you did this."

  "Would you have come over if we told you we were going to talk about any of this?"

  "Of course not."

  "Well then?" Maryann asked.

  "Can you honestly tell us you didn't need to hear what she had to say?" Marybeth added with a gesture towards Noelle.

  "Do you think we did it to hurt you?" Maryanne asked.

  I didn't answer that. Instead I said, "How much longer do I have to listen to this?"

  "Violetta," Maryann said gently. "Everyone here loves you."

  "Vickie doesn't."

  "Now who is picking on semantics?" And she smiled. "I noticed you didn't deny Noelle's feelings."

  "Fuck." I turned away again and paced for a moment. No one said anything. Finally I turned around. "I'm angry," I said. "At each and every one of you. May I go now? Have I honored my promise?"

  "Are you going to forgive me?" Noelle asked.

  "I don't know," I said. "I'm not in a forgiving mood tonight."

  "You're also not one who carries a grudge," Marybeth said. "That's one of the things I really admire about you."

  "Suck up," I said. I turned my attention back to Noelle. "I don't know," I repeated.

  "I understand," she said. She looked down for a moment, staring at her hands, then back up. "You need time. I understand. Did you hear everything I
said?"

  "I heard you."

  She had her purse with her. She dug into it for a minute and pulled out her phone -- her regular phone, not the ones we'd been using to text each other. She unlocked it and held it towards me.

  "What are you giving me that for?"

  "Call your phone," she said. "Then you'll have my number."

  "And you'll have mine."

  "I won't call until you do," she said. "I might text."

  I considered carefully then leaned over to take her phone from her. Our fingers brushed when we did, and I snatched my hand back. I texted myself a message.

  I know I'm crazy.

  I hit send and handed the phone back to her. She glanced at it and smiled at me. "For you."

  I pulled my own phone out and showed her I'd actually sent it to my phone instead of someone else's.

  "Thank you."

  "Don't call me," I said, heading around them. "When I'm ready to talk to any of you, I'll let you know."

  I was halfway to the door when Maryann called out. "Violetta, you know we love you."

  I stopped in my tracks, paused, then nodded. And then I was gone.

  Denial

  My anger built into a fairly serious rage by the time I got home. I engaged in serious ice cream therapy while staring at a stupid movie I didn't remember when it was over.

  How dare my friends blindside me that way!

  How dare The Marys blame all this on me, especially in front of the real culprit.

  I eventually went to bed where I slept fitfully, waking up frequently. In the morning, I was still fuming and now sleep deprived besides.

  I wasn't an idiot. I knew I shouldn't talk to anyone while I was this upset. That held me off for a few hours, but by noon I was at my computer, composing an email.

  Marys,

  I didn't appreciate being blindsided yesterday evening.

  I didn't appreciate the things you said about me being voiced in front of other people. If that's how you felt, I wish you'd spoken to me more privately.

  You had no right to force a meeting with Her on me that way. It shouldn't have been your decision. It should have been mine.

  And I didn't appreciate the utter lack of warning. I was looking forward to a nice evening with the two of you. Instead, I was subjected to some sort of intervention session with the woman who caused it all at the center of the room and everyone on her side.