Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

J: I can agree 2 that, but I can’t guarantee it 2 b an easy ride. U have 2 b patient w/ me. Let me take baby steps. Ok?

  My heart swelled.

  J: BTW u busted my top lip. I think I deserve a kiss. :*

  J: U know, 2 make it feel better and all.

  Now a kissy face? His charisma was killing me. I texted back what I wanted to do, but couldn’t.

  Me: LOL

  Our silent conversation in the back of Reed’s truck was something I would remember for a long time.

  J: Laughing? I’m suffering over here and ur laughing @ me? :/

  J: Look @ me

  I looked over, grinning until I saw his top lip protruding. There was a small slit across the left side of his lip with a little bit of dried blood outlining the cut. My smile faltered, replaced by a frown. I was shameful for inflicting two injuries.

  Me: I’m sorry too, and yes, you’re forgiven.

  The corners of his mouth broke into a grin, reaching his incredible dimples. The cut in his lip broke open as he smiled, causing a few drops of blood to surface. My eyes were drawn in as I watched him leisurely lap up the blood from his lip. His tongue lingered over the cut far longer than necessary, leaving a trace of wet wonder behind. The movement was so sexy. I caught myself licking my lips, mirroring his image. Pulling my eyes away from his lips, my eyes connected with his. He winked before directing his attention back to his phone.

  J: Last I recall friends don’t stare @ their friends like they want to sexually assault them. Ur creeping me out!! ;)

  My mouth gaped open as I read his text. When I looked over at Jaxon, I wasn’t surprised to see he was waiting for my reaction. He winked at me, just like in his text.

  Shaking my head, I glided my fingers over my phone.

  Me: You’re delusional, stop trying to flatter yourself.

  I could hardly wait for his next reply. Something arrogant, I’m sure.

  J : I think u 4got. I’ve caught u numerous times gaping @ me. U really should try controlling ur hormones a little better.

  Maybe if I play along, it won’t be as much fun and he’ll stop.

  Me: Ok. You’re right. Just so you know I often dream about u too.

  If only he knew how truthful that was.

  J: Really? 0_0 Fucktastic!

  J: U want 2 know a secret? I dreamed about u last night.

  My face quickly flushed with heat. My thoughts went back to this morning and the little nudge I felt tapping against my thigh. I guess I now knew I was the girl receiving the salute.

  Our crazy friendship was going to be a very interesting situation. It had already started off on a crazy route. I just hope that we didn’t end up in an asylum in the end.

  The amount of flirting that passed between us was not healthy, so it probably worked out best for Jaxon to live on the west coast. If we lived close to one another, I couldn’t see how it would be possible to not get intimately involved with each other. Juggling him and Phillip in the same small town would be an impossible task.

  It was fun texting with Jaxon, but I knew I had to end it before we ended up sexting.

  Looking out the window, I realized we were almost home, sadness washed over me with the thoughts of him leaving.

  Me: We’re almost home. Are you leaving as soon as we get there?

  J: Wow! Ur a buzz kill. j/k

  J: Yes. R u going 2 give me a proper goodbye?

  We pulled into the parking lot of Reed’s apartment complex. Hastily, I put my phone away, never replying back to Jaxon’s question.

  Reed and Kendra were completely oblivious to our make-up session on the way home. They remained quiet, both tip-toeing around us, not saying much as we gathered the ski gear. Kendra really surprised me by controlling her inquisitive urges. I hoped she would contain them until tomorrow, as I was not sure how I would feel once Jaxon left.

  After we all put the ski gear up and rid ourselves of some clothing, everyone sat around chatting about the new business. It relieved me to not have to keep it a secret anymore. Afterwards, Jaxon said his goodbyes to us all. Reed and Jaxon both seemed very pleased with the new opportunity of opening a restaurant/bar in our small town. We had the usual chain restaurants, but nothing with live entertainment. I was excited to see Reed follow his dreams and put his Business Management degree to use.

  Jaxon saved my hug for last. He squeezed me in a brief embrace, whispering in my ear to follow him out to his car.

  I turned to Reed and Kendra who were looking at me quizzically. “I’ll be right back,” I smiled, walking a little too fast.

  Jaxon reached into his rental car, picking up a small gift bag. I gave him an enquiring look as he handed the gift bag to me. “What is this?”

  “A going away gift.” Before I could protest, he stopped me. “Just open the damn thing,” he huffed.

  As if there were a snake inside, I peeked in the bag before pulling out two blue and red toboggans. “Toboggans?”

  “Um… no, those are beanies. A toboggan is something you sit on to go snow sledding,” he laughed.

  “Well, we call them toboggans here, and a sled is what you sit on to go snow sledding,” I said, knowing his version was most likely the proper term.

  He pulled the hats from my hand, holding them up. One read “best” and the other read “friends.” I snorted at his peculiar thoughtfulness. “Where on earth did you find these?”

  “I bought them at the ski resort, don’t you like?” He grabbed the one that said ‘Best’ and pulled it down over his head, almost covering his bright blues. “There, now I can advertise my nickname wherever I go,” he said, taking the hat out of my hand.

  “I think you need one that says pompous ass,” I muttered.

  “I heard that, Sweet Cheeks,” he muttered back, pulling the ‘Friends’ hat down over my head. He stood back smiling, observing me like a proud father looking at his child for the first time. “There, now everyone will know I’m the best in this duo,” he laughed, pulling me in for a one arm hug.

  “Whatever.”

  “This really isn’t fair. You get to walk around advertising you’re the best in who-knows-what while I get to walk around advertising reruns for Jennifer Aniston,” I whined.

  He broke our embrace, running his hands up and down my arms before gripping both my shoulders lightly. His head was lowered, nearly making eye level with me. “Don’t worry, Sweet Cheeks, as long as I know you’re the best, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And so far… hmm, you haven’t disappointed me.”

  Whoa. This was getting too intense. My heart accelerated, taking my breath. I swallowed. Hard.

  Closing my eyes, I placed my mind in a different surrounding, soaring away from here. “Sweet Cheeks, open your eyes.” His breath was warm and sweet on my face. I shook my head no. His hands cupped both sides of my face, both thumbs circling my cheeks. “Please?”

  I had to face him at some point, so bravely, I opened my eyes. He was closer than before, his nose barely brushing mine. “Jaxon, no more flirting,” I whispered. “You’re making this too hard.”

  “I won’t… I mean, I’m done flirting, but can I ask of one thing before I leave?”

  “Yes.”

  He hesitated, his eyes looking fearful. “Can I… kiss you?” he asked, wincing.

  “Um, Jaxon… that is flir—” I was cut off as his lips pressed roughly against mine. My lips tingled with delight. I let my lips fall open. I wanted him to devour me. I knew I should pull away but I didn’t want to.

  He pulled away instead, leaving my lips yearning for more.

  His face broke out into a devilish grin. “That’s the kiss you owe me for busting my lip.” He turned away from me, holding his arms up to the sky yelling, “I’m healed!”

  I think, in some sort of way, he was healing me too.

  We said a quick goodbye, then I watched Jaxon drive down the street until he was no longer visible. My emotions were all jumbled up with a mixture of sadness and anger. I was disheartened becau
se I was going to miss being around him, his presence made me feel good about myself. I was also angry for him stepping into my shattered life and complicating things even more. He just better keep his promise and not forget about me.

  Opening the door to Reed’s apartment, I nearly hit Kendra in the process.

  She was fuming. “You better start talking,” she commanded. “You’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do.” She knew more than I gave her credit for, and she didn’t appreciate being left in the dark.

  I looked at Reed for shelter, but he just gave me a shrug. He knew there was nothing he could do to help. Kendra was on a mission, and, if she had to peel the skin off my body layer by layer to obtain some information, she would—with a sharp knife in hand.

  Sitting down, I inhaled a deep breath, and exhaled almost everything that happened between me and Jaxon since the moment we met.

  Chapter 17 ~ Mr. Jaxon S. Vaughn

  Thank the gods in heaven for sunshine and warm weather.

  As soon as I stepped outside the airport, I inhaled the largest amount of smog my lungs could hold. If I couldn’t have a cigarette, this was the next best way to pollute the nodule producing organ. Popping an Altoid in my mouth, I once again resisted the nicotine urge. After two years of quitting, I still craved the shit. But, a promise was a promise, and Gramma Z would roll over in her grave if I went back on my word.

  Beads of sweat formed on my forehead as soon as I shut my truck door. The temperature was hanging around the mid-eighties, meaning the valley would be ten degrees hotter. Idling through the LAX parking lot with my windows down, my arm relaxed along the frame. I relished in the Santa Ana winds blowing through the city. Giving the accelerator a tap, I blew loud exhaust from the mufflers. A couple of pretentious teenage girls wrinkled their noses in disgust before taking witness of the rebellious driver. I gave them my flirtatious crooked grin, nearly sending them melting like tar into the hot asphalt.

  During my absence, I missed California more than I thought possible. Often, I toyed with the idea of moving away, starting over, leaving my pain in this bankrupted state of failure. Maybe one day I would. As I had grown older, I couldn’t fathom the concept of people packing up their entire family to take a chance at success. Most people wanted to move here to start their dreams. But for me, after graduation, I wanted to leave, to end my nightmares. My dreams lie in Heaven… or… confoundedly, North Carolina?

  That damn girl had complicated my fuckin’ life, and it was my fault for allowing it.

  Two years. It took two fucking years to take control of my life, to purify my body, to erase the demons that haunted my mind and soul.

  Five days. The last five fucking days was all it took for me to spend with her before she awakened my eradicated heart.

  Gramma Z had always taught me that, when we died, our bodies returned to the earth and our souls rejoiced for eternity in Heaven. Courtney was either deceiving me into believing there was no Heaven or manipulating me into believing in reincarnation.

  I was convinced Courtney was Heather.

  Chapter 18 ~ Last Basketball Game

  The day after Jaxon left, a large floral arrangement was delivered to my home. It was a beautiful bouquet filled with various flowers. I’ve never had flowers sent to me, much less given to me, so, when I saw my name on the card, I assumed there was a misprint. I opened the card anyway.

  I picked these flowers specifically for their meaning. White camellia – because you’re adorable, iris – because your friendship means so much to me, and sweet pea – to thank you for a lovely time. – Jax

  Adorable? Nice! He thinks he’s being cute.

  If I was going to be honest with myself, I really wasn’t expecting to hear from him again. Seriously, what did a twenty-two-year-old guy want with a nearly eighteen-year-old in high school? My guess was a piece of ass. And since he didn’t make his way around the bases, I thought all the ‘let’s be friends’ talk was just to humor me.

  After I told Kendra and Reed most of the events that went down between Jaxon and I, they both did everything they could to convince me his demeanor was genuine. I wanted to believe them but didn’t want to put myself in a position to have my feelings hurt.

  My phone buzzed with a text as I was in the process of sending a thank you text to Jaxon.

  J: Hi Sweet Cheeks! When is school out 4 spring break?

  Me: Why you asking?

  I wondered if he was making plans to come out and visit again.

  J: Reed is coming out in the spring & I thought it would b great if u & Kendra could come too.

  Wow! I was blown away. I had to read the text again to make sure my brain had correctly processed what my eyes were seeing. Butterflies came alive in my belly. My body now filled with excitement. Not wasting any time, I texted him the dates.

  I wanted to go. I mean, I really wanted to do this. I just had to figure out a way to convince my mother. So, I called Kendra.

  Going back to school after Christmas vacation was an easier transition than when I came back after Thanksgiving vacation. Although Phillip and I were on better terms than before, my school days were still pleasant without him torturing me through class. If we saw each other at all, it was usually before or after school. He invited me to several of the home basketball games, but I declined every time. After feeling guilty for continuously turning him down, I finally decided to watch his last home game. He was, after all, keeping his temper under control, and I was only going as a friend to support him. That’s what friends do, right?

  Circling around the parking lot of North Mayberry High School repeatedly, I convinced myself to just find a damn parking spot and not drive off with my tail tucked between my legs. This was the first basketball game I’d attended since we had broken up. Kendra was making me brave it alone, refusing to go with me. She was furious that I was on speaking terms with Phillip—again. She told me she loved me as her sister and would be there for me if ever I needed anything, but she could no longer support me anymore where Phillip was concerned. I would never tell her how much her neglect hurt me, but, then again, I didn’t know if I would be able to stand by her if the shoe were on the other foot. She’d put up with a whole pasture full of bullshit over the last three-plus years because of me.

  In order to avoid unwanted stares and whispers, I made sure to arrive right before the boys’ varsity game. The gossip mill was already working full time.

  Creeping into the gym, I sat the bottom row right by the door so I could make my escape as soon as the game ended. My choice of seating was an unwise choice—every other person that walked through the door stopped to ask me if Phillip and I were back together. It got to the point where I was on the verge of grabbing the microphone from the announcer and screaming over the PA system that Phillip and I were not back together.

  Phillip caught sight of me as soon as he entered the gym for warm-ups. The quick smile on his face surprisingly delighted me. I think it was the feeling of reassurance, of him keeping his word and trying to be normal for once in his life.

  The game was exciting, and every time Phillip was fouled he would look at me, giving me his signature wink before shooting his free throw. My cheers for him came out with too much enthusiasm each time he made a basket.

  Those old feelings of pride and honor I used to get watching my basketball star began to resurface. I missed this—sitting here and proudly watching my superstar make his dreams come true. When we first started dating, he’d told me he was going to play for a college. I had laughed at him, blowing off his arrogant confidence, not taking him seriously. He proved me wrong our junior year when scouts from various colleges started showing up to watch him play. From the time he signed on at Wake Forest, he was determined to make sure nothing got in his way of playing basketball… especially me.

  The game ended with another win, leaving the team undefeated. Phillip led with the most points, and he even broke the school record for the most three-pointers in a single game. They were alm
ost on their way to another state championship. After witnessing his great accomplishment, I was pleased with my decision to come and watch.

  My plans to leave immediately after the game were disrupted when Phillip’s dad stopped me in the lobby. “Hey Courtney!” He embraced me with a heart-warming, fatherly hug. Aside from my issues with Phillip and his mother, Maryann, I loved this man with all my heart. “Phillip didn’t tell us you were going to be here. It’s so nice to see your pretty face again,” he beamed. There was nothing phony about Sean. He was kind to everyone he met. I’d never heard him speak harshly about a person, and I swore he would give someone his last dollar, even if it meant skipping a meal. He made departing with Phillip a tough feat.

  I smiled back at him, “I’ve missed your handsome face, as well.” My smile faltered as soon as Maryann nudged herself up to Sean with Sasha Davis in tow. Sasha was the captain of the girls’ varsity basketball team and their best player. She earned herself a scholarship to a minor college, but still, for our small town, that was a major achievement.

  Back during the summer, rumors of Sasha and Phillip having a little escapade floated around. I had never gotten the proof of this, but, during my investigation, I discovered all the other rendezvous he’d had with various other girls. With the help of Kendra and Reed, we had hidden out, taking a shit-load of pictures of him with the said girls. I’d waited until his truck sat in the school parking lot for a week while he was away at basketball camp and taped the pictures all over it. I’d written cheater, prick, and liar in big, red letters on his windows. I wasn’t there to witness his outrage, but the word on the street was that he went crazy mad as he ripped the pictures off his truck. He’d known it was me, calling me directly and threatening to burn my house down for humiliating him in front of everyone. Not once did I ever doubt his threat. He was capable of doing the unthinkable. He never did apologize for being disloyal or took into consideration of how severely he humiliated me by straying. That was the final moment for me. I ended our long, twisted courtship.