Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  “We were planning on grabbing a bite after the game to celebrate, would you like to join us?” Mr. Wilkins inquired innocently. The cold-hearted bitch, or, as I like to call her, Ice Queen, stiffened upon his request. Her eyes were challenging me, tempting me to crash her little party. In her opinion, I was never good enough for Phillip. Coming from a divorced family, the Peterson name held no level of importance, we didn’t attend church on a regular basis, and wealth didn’t flow through our veins. She imprinted the name hypocrite. She was a disgrace to all preachers’ wives.

  Declining, I explained. “I’m sorry, I’d love to join y’all, especially since Phillip asked me to come tonight,” I had to let the Ice Queen know her son wanted me here, “but I have to work all weekend, and tonight is the only time I’ll have to finish my English paper.”

  I totally lied. I finished my paper the day after it was assigned, but I had no desire to sit through a meal and have Maryann belittle me throughout dinner. She was a pro at making snide remarks that only I would catch on to. Sean was such a sweet, humble man. He was either oblivious to the wicked witch he’d married, or his heart only allowed him to see the good in everyone.

  Maryann interrupted Sean just as he was about to speak. “Oh, well that is a shame. I know Phillip would love for you to come celebrate with us.” She turned to face Sasha, ignoring Sean.

  “Wouldn’t he, Sasha?” Maryann’s voice leaked venom. Sasha’s expression was contorted, almost pained looking. Judging from her face, she didn’t want to get involved with any drama tonight.

  “I… um… yeah, sure?” she stammered.

  I almost felt sorry for her. It was obvious she had no idea who this lady really was. I didn’t know much about Sasha, but I never heard anything negative about her, besides her rumored love affair with Phillip. It was in this moment, though, watching her uncomfortable manner that made me kind of like her… kind of.

  Quickly saying my goodbyes, I rushed to my car before Phillip caught sight of me. I backed out of my parking spot and slammed it into drive right as Phillip stood at the hood of my car. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. I was frightened stiff, frozen, unable to move. Taking several deep breaths, I gave my heart time to regain its regular pace.

  Phillip pecked at my passenger window, motioning for me to unlock the door. Clicking the unlock button, my mind wasn’t quite processing my movements yet. The door slammed shut, bringing my senses back alive. “Don’t ever scare me like that again!” I yelled. “I just nearly died of a heart attack, you crazy fool!”

  Phillip started laughing. “I wouldn’t have had to jump out in front of you if you weren’t trying to make a quick escape.” He looked at me curiously, “Were you trying to avoid me?”

  “No,” I lied. “I thought you were going out to celebrate with your parents?” I asked, trying to divert his train of thought.

  Phillip made himself comfy in my car, fastening his seatbelt. “No, that was never the plan. And once I saw Sasha was with them, I told them I didn’t feel well. They knew I was blowing them off, but no way would my mother cause a scene in front of everyone. You know, she’s got to keep that image.” I didn’t want to comment, I found it quite comical that he verbally bashed his mother when he was her mini clone.

  “So, where to?” I inquired.

  “I don’t know,” he shrugged. “Where were you going?”

  “Home.”

  He suppressed a smile. “Home’s good with me.”

  Rolling my eyes, I gave him a look that said ‘you’ve got to be joking.’

  “Or maybe not,” he muttered.

  “Hurry and make a decision, or I’m gonna leave you here in the parking lot.” I wasn’t in the mood to play games with him. He was creating the exact thing I was trying to avoid—a semi-date.

  “Whoa! Someone’s gotten a little ballsy,” he replied, challenging me. He eyed me as if daring me to smart off at him again. This was the first time since our agreement at Christmas that he showed an ounce of the old Phillip.

  I thought coming here tonight was a wise choice, and I hadn’t started to regret it… until now. “I’m not being ballsy, Phillip, I just want to get out of the parking lot before the traffic gets out of control. Sitting here waiting for you to make a decision is only going to make that left turn harder on me.” The cops only showed up to direct traffic when we had rival games, and, although the crowd tonight was as large as one of our rival games, we didn’t have the organizational traffic flow to keep everyone in order.

  “Whatever! Just go to fuckin’ McDonalds or something. I don’t care.”

  I pressed down hard on the accelerator, nearly rear-ending the car in front of me. I wasn’t going anywhere with him. He didn’t know it yet, but I was taking his psycho ass home.

  Little by little, I crept closely behind the car in front of me.

  “Get off their ass, Court,” he commanded. “Riding their ass isn’t going to speed things up.”

  Getting increasingly pissed off at him by the second, and becoming more pissed at myself for allowing this situation to occur in the first place, I had trouble keeping my cool. I couldn’t understand what made him snap and revert back to his old asshole self.

  Quietly, I continued riding close to the car in front of me just to defy him. He needed to be reminded that he couldn’t boss me around anymore.

  We were the next car to pull onto the main road when he startled me. “I said get the fuck off that car’s ass!” he screamed in my ear. I was furious at that point.

  Fear and rage flowed through my body, spiking my adrenaline. Reacting upon impulse, I pulled out onto the main road without getting a clear view. What I thought were my tires screeching on the asphalt turned out to be the massive, black dually pick-up truck trying to avoid impact.

  I pressed the accelerator until it touched the floorboard. The loud roar of the truck’s horn reverberated throughout the car. We were mere inches from turning my old car into a heap of metal to be hauled off to some scrap yard. I looked into my review mirror, watching the truck slowly fall back from my bumper. I blew loudly through pursed lips as I exhaled in relief.

  His violent side exploded as he repeatedly punched the dashboard. “Are you trying to fucking kill me? God!” he shouted. “I should beat the fuck out of you, you crazy bitch!”

  Cringing, I waited for impact. My body convulsed all over from fear, fear of him hitting me and fear from the near-miss accident. “Stop freaking out, you’re only making things worse,” I stammered. My insides were a living, breathing, mangled up cord of nerves. Feelings of anger and fear detonated inside my being. Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring my vision. I wanted to swipe them away, but I didn’t want to draw attention to my inner breakdown.

  Phillip never got the chance to respond.

  As I drove through the intersection Phillip screamed “Holy fuck!” before his side was t-boned… then everything else fell quiet.

  My vision may have been hindered, but I knew without a doubt my light was green.

  Chapter 19 ~ Jaxon

  “Dude, either you need pussy or you’re turning into one. I’m not sure what crawled up your dick and sucked the testosterone out of your main vein, but you need to grow some balls and act like a fucking man.” Troy threw down the rag he had been using to wipe up the spilled ice from the bar. He extended his arms, palms face down, resting them on the shiny wooden surface. He was staring at me in disbelief.

  “Seventeen years old? She’s fucking seventeen years old. What the hell is the matter with you?” Troy asked, shaking his head.

  “Almost eighteen,” I corrected.

  “It doesn’t matter, dude. She’s young enough to get you in trouble—something your stupid ass has worked too hard to stay out of for the last couple of years,” he said sternly, pointing his finger in my face. He just didn’t understand how this situation was so different than what he had construed in his mind.

  “Are you sure you didn’t fuck her?” His light blue eyes bored into mi
ne. He was most likely analyzing the story I told him a few days ago.

  Telling Troy about Courtney was a mistake, but he wouldn’t get off my back. He was more like my brother than my best friend. He knew every deep, dark secret I kept hidden under lock and key. My odd behavior after returning from North Carolina had apparently caught his attention immediately. I didn’t know if it was so much of my odd behavior as it was my obsessive name dropping. Then again, I sometimes believed he knew me better than I knew myself. After all, we had spent over ninety percent of our life together. We became instant best friends in daycare, and, from that point on, we were inseparable. Most people thought we were brothers; saying that we shared a lot of the same features, but his blond shags sets him apart from my raven spikes. Personally, I didn’t see much of a similarity in us other than that we both sported the same colored eyes.

  He was right, though, to be suspicious. I’d tried to not think of her every second of the day, but it had been impossible. Everything around me constantly reminded me of Heather… and Courtney reminded me of Heather, or vice versa.

  I blew an exasperated breath. “No!” I gritted between clenched teeth. “How many fucking times do I have to tell you? We. Did. Not. Have. Sex,” I clarified for him.

  Troy walked around the bar stopping beside me. He grabbed my shoulder, squeezing tightly a couple of times. “You’ve come so far bro. I can’t help to worry.” He released my shoulder and started to walk away, but stopped just as I turned to look at him. “I’m just having a hard time comprehending your infatuation with this young girl that lives three-thousand miles away. There’s something else you’re just not telling me. You can’t hide it forever, though. I always find out.” Troy turned his back to me, making his way to the office.

  “You’re not my damn father, Troy. So stop trying to act like it,” I yelled at him, but he had already closed the door, ignoring me.

  “You boys arguing again?” Startled, I spun around on the bar stool, not hearing anyone enter the room. Valeria was the last person I wanted to deal with right now. I ignored her question laced in that sexy Spanish accent I used to adore. Laying my head down on the bar, I closed my eyes to capture a glimpse of Courtney’s beautiful smile. She lived in my mind and I couldn’t get her image out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes, I replayed all the moments we’d spent together.

  Once again, I was startled from my reverie as I felt acrylic nails massaging my scalp. My head shot up from its resting spot to throw daggers into a set of almond-shaped, brown eyes. “Fuck off, Val.” I plopped my head back down on the bar, ready to continue my daydreaming.

  “It’s easier to fuck off if you’re the one doing the fucking,” Valeria spoke lightly in my ear. I lifted my head a few inches off the bar, mainly to get her out of my ear. My eyes were greeted with a pair of voluptuous tits. Valeria had perched herself across the bar, planting her double D’s on the counter trying to entice me to take a taste. I knew her devious tricks just as well as I knew my own.

  Flashbacks of how I used to face-plant myself in her silicone-valley brought bile up to my throat. Valeria was nothing but a whore that used me as much as I used her.

  Before I could tell her to get the fuck out of my life, my phone buzzed with Kendra’s name lit up across the screen. I jerked it down under the bar to keep Val’s wandering eyes from meddling in my business.

  My heart lodged itself into the pit of my stomach as I read the first sentence.

  K: FYI - Court’s been in a car accident w/ Phillip, but she's ok.

  Chapter 20 ~ Forgiveness

  Guilt washed over me as I sat in the waiting room with Phillip’s family. Little by little, his teammates and friends filled the shrinking room. The more people that filtered in, the more stigma pushed against me, penetrating into me, slowly slicing through my skin like an Obsidian knife.

  Shame overwhelmed me. I couldn’t even look at them, especially his dad. My worst injury consisted of a mild concussion and a busted lip from the air bag, but, other than that, I didn’t have much else to show for the wreck. It should’ve been me in that operating room having surgery. I’d possibly ruined his life, his career, his dream, his future. I didn’t know whether to cry in agony or scream in anger.

  No longer could I handle all the whispering floating around the room. I knew they were talking about me. I needed to leave, but I couldn’t. How would I be portrayed then? As a coward… or narcissist… or heartless? I was none of those things, so I had to suck it up and persevere.

  I was too shameful to look anyone in the eye, so when the officer touched my shoulder to get my attention, I nearly fell out of my chair. “Sorry, ma’am, I need to ask you a few questions regarding the accident,” the officer asked. I wanted my mom with me, and I didn’t understand why she hadn’t arrived yet. The tears were stinging the back of my eyes like a thousand bees on attack, and I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to hold them back.

  “Is your mother or father here with you?” I shook my head, afraid that if I spoke, the forceful cry would escape from my throat.

  Warm hands touched my shoulders, pulling me to them in an embrace. Immediately, I recognized him—Phillip’s dad. “Hey, Officer Jamie. Her mother is on her way. Is it okay if I speak with her for a minute?” The officer nodded and told Phillip’s dad he would be back in a little bit.

  The kindness this man showed me after I sent his son to the hospital for emergency surgery, almost costing his life, was too much. I let go of all the anguish I was holding in and wept hard. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. Phillip is going to be okay. He’s alive, and so are you. That’s all that matters now.” Shaking my head, I knew I didn’t deserve the love this man was showing me.

  He continued to comfort me, patting my back as I sobbed, appeasing me until my cries turned into snubs. He pulled away, looking at me with great sympathy. “Do you want to walk outside and talk? I think a fresh breath of cool air will be good for you.”

  Not yet trusting my voice from flouting back into uncontrollable sobs, I nodded.

  Following him through the automatic doors, I nearly trampled over my terrified mother. “Oh dear Lord! Thank goodness you’re okay,” she cried in a state of panic. She had already grabbed me, hugging me tighter than I ever thought her small frame was capable of.

  After holding me for what felt like hours, she pulled away, but still kept a death grip on my upper arms. “What happened? All I’ve been told was you and Phillip were hit by someone running a red light. I didn’t know if you were dead or alive.” Fear poured out of her mouth like running water. I was all she had, and if something were to ever happen to me, I knew she would be lost in this world forever.

  She frantically turned her head back and forth, eyes searching for something. “Where is Phillip? Is he okay?” A tear made its way out of my mother’s eye. It hurt me so much to see the pain I was inflicting on her. She had always been the rock in our home, staying strong, never showing weakness, even in the hardest of times. But to see her so fragile, to see that single tear roll down her cheek, broke my heart. Another shot of guilt washed over my body like a tidal wave, suffocating me with sorrow.

  In order to make things right, I had to suck it up. It was time for me to be resilient, I couldn’t cry now. It was the only way I would be able to repay my mother for causing her so much agony. It was my turn to be the rock. “He’s in surgery,” I whispered. “His leg got crushed. We haven’t heard the extent of his injuries yet.”

  My mother looked up at Phillip’s dad with deep sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Preacher Wilkins.”

  He laid a heartening hand on her shoulder. “No need to apologize, Alma. It wasn’t Courtney’s fault. They just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. God is in charge; he doesn’t allow these things to happen without a purpose. What that purpose is, well, we’ll just have to wait until He’s ready to show us.”

  I couldn’t understand how he wasn’t blaming me. His forgiving soul brought me comfort, but i
t also brought me sadness. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness. Not this quickly, not without knowing the outcome of Phillip’s injuries.

  “I’m going to head back inside and see if there have been any updates from the doctor,” he said, giving us a nod. I could tell he wanted to give us privacy. He knew I needed my mother right now as much as she needed me.

  “Maryann has no idea how lucky she is to have such a sweet, wonderful man as her husband,” my mother whispered as we both watched him walk down the hall until he disappeared. Mom grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. “So, tell me exactly what happened from beginning to the end.”

  I went through the entire story starting from the time I arrived to the game until I lost consciousness from the impact. I left out the part about Phillip losing his cool. “Honey, you just don’t know how happy and relieved I am that you are okay. I’m going to talk to a doctor about your concussion and—”

  “Phillip is awake and is asking for you, Courtney,” Sean interrupted with heavy, short breaths. “I ran down here to get you as soon as I could.” His smile told me everything I needed to know. I inhaled the deepest breath of relief. Just knowing that Phillip was awake was enough for me to feel that ounce of hope I needed in order to deal with my guilt.

  With my mother close behind, we followed Phillip’s dad back inside. “I’ll be here waiting for you in the lobby,” she called out to me as Sean and I rushed into the elevators.