Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  Jaxon’s head whipped over at me, his eyes engaging my expression. “What’s he talking about?”

  My chest squeezed hard, blocking my flow of oxygen. Phillip’s going to win after all.

  Phillip let out another one of his maniacal laughs. “Oh, you don’t know! She didn’t tell you? She’s pregnant! Tsk, tsk, Courtney, shame on you,” he mocked. “She wants to abort it, but there is no way in hell I’m allowing that to happen,” he accused.

  He gently lifted me from his lap, his body moving robotically, sitting me down on the porch. My body became immobile—numb. My tongue felt paralyzed in my mouth. I couldn’t speak.

  He stared at me with pain coursing through his eyes before he looked away. He could probably no longer look at me, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from his. I watched him unfold before me as his jaw muscles tightened repeatedly. His chest rose and fell with each short breath he took. The torment he was battling inside was killing me. No longer able to watch his agony, I squeezed my eyes shut. Was he mad? Was he hurt?

  When I opened my eyes, Jaxon was standing in front of me. “Was that the part that was so complicated?”

  I nodded.

  “Is this why you protect him?”

  I shook my head.

  “Talk to me dammit. I deserve that much.”

  My chin trembled and my bottom lip quivered. “I’m so sorry, Jaxon. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t tell you because I’m terrified of losing you,” I whimpered.

  Tears began to form in my eyes again. I cradled his face, “Please don’t be mad at me. Please! Let’s just talk about it. Let me explain it to you,” I begged.

  His tensed shoulders fell, his unfocused gaze connected with mine. “Are you really going to abort it?” He asked in disbelief.

  “No.” I dropped my head looking at the ground. I wasn’t brave enough to face him. “I don’t know… I mean, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do, but I never told Phillip I was going to abort it.” I said, sending fiery eyes Phillip’s way.

  Jaxon just stood there continuing to stare at me. His silence was killing me. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do,” I cried, grabbing the front of his shirt, burying my face in his hard chest.

  He stood there motionless as I cried into him hoping his heart would hear my pain. Terrified of him leaving me, I grasped his arms tight. Gently, his arms reached around my shaking frame and cradled me close against him. Repeatedly, he shushed me as he comforted my cries. I could hear Phillip laughing and saying something along the lines of ‘things never change with you.’

  Anger surged through me with each taunt Phillip threw my way, and I spun around, releasing Jaxon, and ran up to Phillip. My hand was mere inches of slapping his face when he caught it, nearly causing me to stumble. Pulling me down to him, pretending to catch me, he whispered quickly into my ear before he released me. “Remember what my mother said. If you don’t want any trouble you better tell your boyfriend goodbye. Now.”

  Him and his mom were really going to force me into this. They were really going to make me put an end to all my happiness. The pain in my chest sunk further with every breath I took. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I had to do the unthinkable.

  I turned back to Phillip. “Leave. Now,” I gritted through my teeth. “I need to be alone with Jaxon.” Phillip glared at me with fury, but surprisingly did as I asked.

  Jaxon walked over to where Phillip had been laying on the ground as I stood there watching Phillip struggle to pull himself up with the help of a big oak tree. After he got himself upright, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and hobbled over to his truck. His eyes narrowed at me as if telling me I better do as I was told before he climbed into his truck. He kept quiet the entire time. He knew Jaxon would kick his ass again if he acted like a fool.

  As soon as Phillip was out of sight, I brought all my attention back to Jaxon. My heart hammered in my chest cavity as he strolled up to me.

  He palmed my face, his thumb tracing my bottom lip.

  “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t want to lose you but—” I told him as tears started to spill from my eyes again.

  He cradled my head against his chest. His chin rested on top of my head. “Sweet Cheeks, you have no idea how much you’ve opened me up. You’ve brought light into the core of my darkest shadows. You make me want to be the person I thought had died when…” He swallowed hard, “… when she died. You’ve brought the old Jaxon back, and I forgot how much I like that guy,” he chuckled. “Look at me.” He placed both hands on my face and tilted my chin up to lock me in with his sky blue eyes. “I know this baby isn’t mine, but I could help you. I would care for it like it’s my own. I know what it was like to grow up without a father, and I don’t want that to happen to your baby. Is Phillip really ready to love someone other than himself?” I shook my head the entire time he talked, not wanting to hear the things he was telling me.

  “We can’t do this, Jaxon. It would never work. I can’t be with you and carry someone else’s baby. Phillip is a horrible person, I know this.” I took a deep breath, hating what I was about to say. “But I have to hope that he can change. I have to hope that this baby will change him. It happens,” I told him, trying to convince myself, too. “You mean everything to me, and I thank you for opening up my heart again.” Jaxon’s hopeful expression turned wretched as he began to comprehend the dreadful words flowing from my mouth.

  “Courtney, please don’t do this. I’m begging you.” He kissed the tears streaming down my face. “God! You’re killing me.” I watched a single tear pool into the corner of his eye, and then slowly creep down his face until it was lost in his stubble. “I want to sweep you up and bring you back to Cali with me. I want to save you from all of this madness.” He jerked away from me in a sudden movement and slammed his fist into my mother’s hanging flowerpot. “Fuck!” I hate this fuckin’ shit!” he roared.

  He stomped back over to me, crushing me against his body. He hugged me like it was the last time he would ever hold me again.

  Sadly, it probably was.

  He pulled away but stayed close enough for our noses to touch. “I feel things for you that I shouldn’t. I get high in the clouds when I’m around you. You make me feel emotions that have been dormant for years. Thank you for reminding me what it’s like to fall in love again, but please, don’t push me out of your life.” His eyes were glassed over.

  “I can’t,” I said without any sound.

  His lips brushed against mine so delicately. It reminded me of that first kiss on Reed’s couch. His intoxicating mint sent my appetite into overdrive. It started off slow and sweet then turned into a longing desire. I wanted to freeze this moment. I never wanted it to end.

  “Don’t turn this into a goodbye, Sweet Cheeks,” he muttered against my lips. His breath was ragged and his eyes were closed tight.

  “I’m so sorry.” It was all I had the strength to say. I wanted to tell him to stay. I wanted to tell him he had me, and that I was his… but I couldn’t.

  He held me tight. I wanted him to hold onto me forever, but I pushed him away. It was easier this way. “Go. Please. If you stay Jaxon, it will only make things harder for me. Please understand.”

  He nodded a few times, but the pain on his face was unmistakable. He took a few steps towards me, but I shook my head at him. He knew what I was saying. Without a fight, he quickly walked to his car never turning around to look at me.

  Jaxon kept his back to me while he climbed into his rental car. My heart stammered when he turned around to face me at the last minute. His face expressed torment. I could see it all over him. His brow furrowed, and the corners of his lips were turned down. I closed my eyes and dropped my head. I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t accept the pain I was causing him. I was a coward.

  He backed out of my driveway, and I watched until I lost sight of him.

&nbs
p; My heart broke. Right there at that moment. It laid in my chest in two pieces. He just admitted that he had fallen in love again, and now I’d lost him. I couldn’t even feel my heart beat in my chest anymore. I felt dead inside. I wanted to be dead. It hurt so much. How could I have ever thought my life would be over without Phillip? The pain I felt now was worse than any I’d ever encountered.

  A roaring sob that had been building up in my chest finally made its escape. “Why?” I screamed out into the sky. My head fell in defeat as my vision blurred with salty tears. “I fuckin’ hate you Phillip Wilkins!” I screamed out.

  My shoulders slumped forward, the rest of my body following suit as I fell to the ground. Through the wetness in my eyes, I spotted something white on the ground lying next to all the dirt, broken flowers and the plastic pot. My pregnancy test—a baby. My baby.

  No matter how much I wanted to give up, I couldn’t. I had someone depending on me, someone pure and innocent. Jaxon thought I chose Phillip, but he was so wrong. I would never let him into my life again. Phillip was dead to me.

  I could take care of my baby and myself. It would be a long, hard road, but I knew I could do it. It was just going to take me one day at a time.

  Epilogue

  She pushed me away and I let her. Did I really have a choice in the matter? No, I didn’t think I did. She wanted me gone and I respected her enough to let her go.

  Fuck my life.

  I was on my way back to Greensboro. I couldn’t fathom hopping back on a plane right now. I’d just stay at one of the hotels by the airport for the night and catch a flight in the morning. I wasn’t prepared to go home the same day I arrived. So much for surprising Courtney—she ended up surprising me.

  Pregnant… a baby… Courtney as a mother… she would be a wonderful mother. That, I truly believed. Offering to father her baby… Could I really have done it? Did I have my life under control enough to raise a baby, a baby that wasn’t even my own blood? That was perhaps the most irrational decision I’d ever made. I’d never thought about fathering a child, but I thought I had what it took to be one. I wanted to give what I’d never had. I knew someday, if I ever had children, I would not follow in my father’s footsteps. I would want to be in its life regardless of the outcome.

  Fuck my life.

  Confessing my love to Courtney wasn’t something I planned. Did I love Courtney? Yes, I did. Would most people think I fell in love too soon? Probably. Would I love her if she wasn’t a replica of Heather? I wasn’t sure. But no matter who my love was for, it was real. It was there.

  Wanting to clear my mind of Courtney, I turned on the radio and ‘Was It a Dream’ by Thirty Seconds to Mars was blaring through the speakers. I pulled my phone out and glanced back and forth from the road to the picture I’d snuck of her while she slept. So peaceful. So pure. So beautiful. So much love I could give her.

  Fuck my life.

  Fate and I had a love/hate relationship. I was given the most wonderful people to love with all my heart and soul, and they reciprocated that love in return. But, as soon as I gave myself over to them, fate came along and whisked them away in the blink of an eye. Love wasn’t meant for me. Love wasn’t something I was meant to have. All the people I had loved in my life always found a way to leave me. I found myself at the point of believing I’d been given a second chance to right a wrong, and what happened? Fate cut my heartstrings and jerked that love right out from under my feet. Once again, I was left feeling hollow, lifeless, and black inside. My ray of sunshine had been extinguished. My flame had been blown out.

  Fuck my life.

  Pulling into the nearest gas station, I bid fate a silent ‘fuck you,’ and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. My hands shook as I inhaled the first taste of fresh tobacco. My lungs exploded with gratitude as I gave them the craving they’d been longing for. As I climbed back into my rental car, a blinking sign caught my eye—Cherry Grove.

  I drove across the street and pulled into the gravel parking lot of the small bar. Finishing my cigarette, I flicked it into the rocks before walking in. The building was larger on the inside than it looked on the outside. Two girls wearing a few scraps of black leather, fish nets stockings, and black stilettoes were dancing in separate corners. One, a blonde, the other a brunette. They’re both pretty, but probably pumped full of drugs and STDs. A group of guys wearing Harley Davidson gear staked their claim on the pool tables.

  Sauntering over to the bar, I ordered a shot of Jack. My nerves stood on end as the warm liquid burned all the way down into the pit of my stomach. Another feeling I welcomed. I ordered three more, and they each went down smoother than the shot before. Finally feeling warm and relaxed, I heard a sweet, southern accent hum in my ear. “Can I buy you a drink?”

  I didn’t bother looking at the lot lizard hovering over my back. “Is that the best pick up line you got?” Turning my head back to the bartender, I nodded at him for another shot.

  She sat down beside me and threw a five dollar bill down on the counter. “It wasn’t a pick up line, asshole. I’ve never seen you before, so I figured you’re just one of the strays passing through without a pot to piss in.” The bartender sat a shot down in front of the woman. “Fucking strangers… always mistake a kind gesture for flirting,” she mumbled under her breath. Damn.

  The damn asshat in me always tried to shine through. Instantly, I felt like shit. “Sorry. I apologize,” I said looking at her for the first time. “I’m Jaxon. Can I buy you a drink?” Her thin lips spread into a pleasant smile. She looked to be older than me, but still a beautiful woman. Her hair was long and blonde, and swept off to the side with a small white bow. Her brown eyes danced as she examined me from head to toe. “Sure, but don’t get the wrong idea,” she smirked.

  I woke up the next morning to an alarm I didn’t remember setting. Reaching over to check my phone, I saw an empty condom wrapper lying on the night stand. My other hand slid along the sheets until it stopped against a soft, warm body beside of me. Dreadfully lifting up the covers, I found it was a soft, warm, and naked body. It was the girl from last night, and I never even got her name. Closing my eyes, I tried to recollect what all had happened last night. We’d sat and talked and shared a few more shots, and that was it. I’d drawn a blank after that. One little slip-up and old habits had apparently resurfaced.

  Fuck my life.

  If I couldn’t beat fate, I might as well join the destructive life she had laid out before me.

  The end… for now.

  Watch for the continuation of Jaxon and Courtney’s story coming out early in 2014.

  Toxic Secrets Playlist of Inspiration

  Scream – Usher

  Let’s Go – Calvin Harris

  C’mon – Ke$ha

  Crazy Kids – Ke$ha

  Mercy – Kanye, 2 Chainz

  I Get Crazy – Nicki Minaj

  Birthday Cake – Rihanna

  Wobble – V.I.C.

  Pop, Lock and Drop It – Huey

  Down on Me – 50 Cent

  I’ve Got This Friend – Civil Wars

  As Your Friend – Afrojack

  Beautiful Lie – Thirty Seconds to Mars

  Chasing Pavements – Adele

  If You Were Here – Cary Brothers

  Untitled – Simple Plan

  Crazier – Taylor Swift

  Bliss – Muse

  Tonight I’m F’ing You – Enrique Iglesias

  Can’t Get You Out of My Head – Kylie Minogue

  Animal – Neon Trees

  Demons – Imagine Dragons

  Madness – Muse

  Never Let Me Go – Florence and the Machine

  Was It a Dream? – Thirty Seconds to Mars

  Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus

  Cold Desert – Kings of Leon

  Courtney’s California Playlist

  It Never Rains in Southern California – Tony, Toni, Tone’

  California Gurls – Katy Perry

  Going Back to Cali – LL Co
ol J

  Californication – Red Hot Chili Peppers

  California – Phantom Planets

  California Sun – Ramones

  California Waiting – Kings of Leon

  Heads Carolina, Tails California – Jo Dee Messina

  Going to California – Led Zepplin

  Queen of California – John Mayer

  Acknowledgements

  First and foremost, I want to thank my husband and kids for putting up with my negligence as a wife and mother. Sorry to break it to you, but I’m going to be locked away for a wee bit longer. Love you!!!

  I want to send a HUGE thank you to my newfound book friend and beta reader, Terri Thomas. Who knew when I requested your expertise months ago that you would become such a blessing to me? You stuck by me from the beginning of my journey and even gave me space when I needed to take a break. Words can’t express my gratitude.