Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  I thought I could keep it to myself, or at least wait until after graduation before I made any final decisions. It wasn’t possible though. I couldn’t do it any longer. I couldn’t hold this secret inside of me. It wasn’t fair to be the only person to carry this burden. I knew many people would consider it a blessing, but for me it wasn’t. Nothing good would come from it. I would lose Jaxon. Phillip would make my life a living hell, and I would end up becoming that stay-at-home mom I used to think I was destined to be. I was in charge of my life now, and I was not suffering this pregnancy alone. Phillip was just as much at fault as I was. He was the father, and he deserved to know.

  Oh God… his reaction. The wrath I would sustain when I told him would be aggressive. I had no doubt about it.

  Opting out, I decided not to tell Kendra. I couldn’t take that chance of her telling Reed and then Reed telling Jaxon. She’d always harbored my secrets, but this was one secret I couldn’t take a chance at. I had to make sure I planned everything out perfectly. She was going to be furious with me. Not because I hadn’t told her, but because I had stooped low enough to fall into Phillip’s trap and have sex with him. She was my best friend and had picked me up every time I had fallen. Would she catch me again? Would she swear to secrecy to not tell Jaxon? Should I wait to tell her? I was so confused and screwed up in the head. I couldn’t stop second-guessing myself. I just wanted to turn my brain off, hibernate in a dark hole, and not come out until next year when all of it was over.

  My thoughts switched over to Jaxon. The amazingly, noble guy that flew into my life like an angel with wings, stripped all my sorrow away, and filled that emptiness with joy. How was I going to tell him? I couldn’t tell him now. I was not ready to break his heart yet. He didn’t deserve to get caught up in the crossfire of my screw-up.

  I had to focus on Phillip right now. I wanted to crush him. I wanted to see him break. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. A scene from a movie I once saw popped into my head, giving me the perfect idea. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and I knew how to hurt him in the worst way.

  Not wanting to run into anyone I knew, I drove to the next county to buy another pregnancy test. With the test in my purse, I stopped off at a gas station to fill my car up and to use their restroom. Once I was in the bathroom I peed on the test, waiting for the positive result to show up. When it did, I placed my test in a Ziploc baggie. Taking my stationary paper out, I wrote a little love letter to the Ice Queen Bitch.

  I know what you did. I know you set my mother up. I saw the stolen items in your linen closet. Well played, Maryann, well played. Too bad you’ve been beaten at your own game, though, just like your son has. Oh, that’s right, you don’t know. Well, I want to wish you congratulations. I’m so thrilled to inform you that you are going to be a grandmother. That’s right. Your precious Phillip is going to be a father. Looks like you’ll have to deal with me for the rest of your life. Oh, and don’t think you’re going to seek vengeance on me because, whatever you do, will not only hurt me, but it will also hurt your son and unborn grandchild.

  After addressing the envelope with her name only, I folded it up then slid it, and the bagged test, inside.

  Driving back into town, I stopped off at Meadowland Baptist Church. Parking beside Maryann’s Caddy, I hopped out, and shoved the envelope underneath her windshield wiper, then drove back home.

  Phillip’s mom found my letter sooner than I had expected. As soon as I walked through the door, I heard the house phone ringing. “Hello,” I answered.

  “You think you’re a sneaky little bitch, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something. If you think you’re going to blackmail me by keeping my grandbaby away from me, then you are stupidly mistaken. I can easily dismiss you out of my life for good. Who do you think a judge will listen to? Who do you think they’ll believe? Not you, you piece of redneck white trash!” She snarled at me.

  “You don—”

  She cut me off. “You don’t have a say in the matter. If you dare try to screw with me or my family, I will take you to court and have that baby taken from you so fast that you won’t even have a chance to see it after giving birth,” she threatened. “One more thing—as of now, you better not tell anyone until I decide what you’re going to do. You will not ruin our reputation. Got it? People in this town know what kind of person you and your mother are, and, if they don’t, I’ll be sure to inform them.”

  The phone suddenly went stale. She hung up before I ever had a chance to say anything, never giving me the opportunity to defend myself. She was right though, who would believe me over the Wilkins? Tears began stinging my eyes as different scenarios filtered through my mind. No matter what I did, they would win.

  After I dried my eyes from a good, hard cry, and cleared my brain, I made the dreadful phone call to the OB/GYN and made myself an appointment.

  Never had I ever imagined I would get myself into a situation like this. Teen pregnancies always happened to other girls, not me. I’d always taken myself to be somewhat mature for my age. Yes, I’d made some pretty foolish decisions in the last few years, but, in the last few months, I had felt like I had finally gained control of my life. I had finally started making decisions based on what was best for me, and not someone else. I was finally living for me. I was finally doing what I wanted to do and not what someone else wanted to do. But, the one time I slipped up and converted to my old ways, doing what that one person wanted to do, because of my stupid feelings of guilt, it came back to bite me in the ass. Was I one of those people that never learned my lessons?

  One time. How many times had I heard people say that one time was all it took? I guessed I was just as idiotic as all the rest of the teenagers out there that believed they were invincible. I’d thought, just because we got away without using protection before that it would work every time. I was an immature and stupid girl after all.

  My head was throbbing from so much stress. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I’d played the ‘what if’s’ in my head a zillion times. Crawling onto my bed, I hoped a little nap would make me feel better. Maybe it would give my brain a rest. I lay still on my bed, with my hand flat over my lower abdomen, trying to imagine the beginnings of a life forming inside my womb. My thoughts fell flat as I drifted off to sleep.

  Hearing a loud banging sound from the living room, I shot up into a sitting position. As my senses began to wake I realized it was someone beating on the front door. Glancing over at my clock, the time read a quarter after four. I couldn’t believe I had been sleeping for four hours. I called out for mom, but she never answered. She must’ve still been at Jaxon’s restaurant. She’d been spending a lot of time over there recently, helping Reed pick out décor and making sure all orders were placed and invoices received. She wasn’t exactly hired to take on those tasks, but she couldn’t handle sitting around not doing anything.

  Grabbing a pony tail holder, I flipped my hair up into a messy bun on top of my head. As soon as I opened the door, I tried closing it with as much force as I could muster. I didn’t get far when Phillip’s arm stopped it from moving. The contorted look on his face was worse than I’d ever seen before. Of all the times I’d seen him mad, this was an expression beyond that rage. I was petrified.

  He knew.

  Panicking, I froze still. I couldn’t gather a single thought together. I’d have to outsmart him. I couldn’t let him in my house. He would have full advantage of me then. Think fast, Courtney. Forcing my feet past the threshold, I closed the door behind me. Phillip’s chest rose and fell heavily with each uncontrolled breath he took. The veins in his neck were clearly defined, and I couldn’t stop watching the bulging vein at his temple, pulsating with the rapid beat of his heart. His full lips were now pulled back against his teeth in a thin line. I knew he was using everything in him to control himself from lashing out at me.

  My nerves were wound up so tight I was on the verge of losing all self-control. I took a couple of deep breaths. A panic attack wasn�
��t something I could withstand right now. “Wh… what’s going on?” I stammered. My voice shook all over the place. It killed me to know Phillip had control right now. I was helpless.

  He didn’t answer me. Instead, he shoved the baggie with my pregnancy test into my chest. It hurt. “What the hell is this?” he seethed through clenched teeth. “How dare you. How dare you try to manipulate me by using my mother as bait.” His breath was hot against my mouth. I couldn’t even look into his eyes. I was afraid the devil would reach out and hold me captive. “Any issues we have are between me and you. Not my mother!” he screamed in my face. Closing my eyes, I awaited the blow. He began to laugh like a maniacal lunatic. “You’re not so tough now are you? I can smell the fear oozing from your pores. You never were much for sticking up for yourself, were you, you spineless bitch?” He wrapped both hands around my upper arms, squeezing them tight like a vise. He had my body pulled close against him, and I had to turn my face away from his to avoid the spit escaping from his mouth as he foamed at me like a rabid dog. “I knew from the moment I met you that I would be your puppet master. All I had to do was give a little twitch to the strings dangling from my hands, and you would do whatever I commanded. Just as a reminder nothing has changed either. I will always have the upper hand you fuckin’ whore!” This time he was in my ear. Making sure I heard him loud and clear.

  The death grip he had on my arms felt all too familiar. I knew there would be bruises to see tomorrow. “Phillip, you’re hurting me. Please let go,” I cried.

  My plea only made things worse. “You think I fucking care if you’re hurt or not. After you nearly killed me? Ended my basketball career? Ruined my fuckin’ life? And now you try to blackmail me by sending my mother a pregnancy test accusing me of being the father?” He yelled. “After you spread your legs for that California guy, you think I’m gonna believe I’m the dad?” He shook his head answering himself.

  I winced as he squeezed my arms tighter. “I didn’t have sex with him. I swear. You are the only person I’ve had sex with,” I pleaded. “Take a test if you don’t believe me.”

  His brown eyes narrowed in at me, turning black. “I swear to you, Jeanette, if you tell a single person that I’m the father, I will kill you and that baby. I promise you that.” He let go of one arm and continued holding on to the other as he dragged me off the porch. “You think I’m hurting you now? You don’t know what hurt is, you little slut. But I’m gonna teach you.” His walking was impaired, giving me a glimpse of hope that I may have been able to maneuver myself from his reach.

  I was wrong.

  Using all my strength, I kicked him in the leg. The broken leg. He released his grip on me, but I wasn’t fast enough. He reached out in enough time to grab the loose bun on my head, jerking me back with enough force that I thought my neck snapped. Tears poured out of my eyes as I feared for my life. He was dragging me down the side walk by my hair, pulling me closer to his car.

  “Help me somebody!” I screamed. I felt the blunt force across my face before I had time to comprehend what even happened. He finally did it. He finally hit me. Repeatedly, I had told myself he never would, but I was only fooling myself.

  “Shut up, you stupid bitch! I will beat that baby to death if you scream one more time,” he threatened. A metallic taste slowly coated my tongue. I hated him. I’d never hated anybody in my life. I never knew it was possible to hate a person, but I did him, all the way down to my bones.

  “I. Hate. You!” I screamed at him.

  Phillip reached down and grabbed my face with his fingers, digging his nails deep into my cheeks. “This is your last warning. If you scream one more time, I’ll fuck up that little mouth of yours to where you won’t be able to speak for a month.”

  Suddenly Phillip no longer had me in his possessive hold. He was no longer in my sight. All I heard was a familiar voice.

  “You get off on hitting girls?” Then I heard a crunching sound. “Hit me. I’m an even match for you.” Next, I heard another solid thud, then a grunt that sounded like Phillip. “You fuckin’ cocksucker. I’ve been waiting to do that since the day I met you.” Another hit followed by a moan. I sat up. My head spun around, and my vision was blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes. When I pulled my hands away, I saw blood soaked in with my tears. I gained focus long enough to see Jaxon hovering over Phillip, hitting him repeatedly. He screamed at him with each blow. He looked robotic, like a machine made to kill. I was frightened. I was frightened for Phillip’s life.

  Stumbling to my feet, I ran over to them. “Jaxon, stop. Jaxon, please. Jaxon, you’re going to kill him. Please. Stop,” I sobbed. Grabbing Jaxon by his shoulders, I tried to pull him back with all the strength I had, but he wouldn’t budge. He was in a trance, repeatedly punching Phillip in the face, in the chest, in the head, anywhere he could make contact. Phillip tried fighting him off, but he was pinned underneath him and his bummed leg worked against him.

  I had to do something quick before the situation turned fatal. Doing the first thing that popped into my head, I put myself in between Jaxon and Phillip. Jaxon immediately stopped in mid-swing. His eyes were feral. They weren’t his beautiful baby blues. There was darkness in the depths of them. His breath was ragged, his nostrils flared with each heavy breath, and his face was blood red.

  “Courtney, please move out of my way,” he sneered without ever looking at me. His eyes remained focused on Phillip. “I’m going to teach this motherfucker a lesson. I’m going to make sure he feels every ounce of pain that he has caused you over the years.”

  Phillip spat out blood and began to laugh. “Fuck you! Fuck both of you!”

  Jaxon reached past me and wrapped his long fingers around Phillip’s neck, choking him out. Phillip’s body went still. He no longer put up a fight.

  “No!” I screamed. Grabbing his fingers, I pried them away from Phillip’s throat. “Please, Jaxon. Just stop. Please! I’m begging you,” I sobbed. I released his fingers then turned around and faced him. I stared him in the eye. I wanted him to see me instead of seeing through me. I had to break the mad frenzy he was in. Wrapping my arms around him, I buried my tears into his neck. Slowly, I felt both of Jaxon’s hands wrap around me; one hand on my waist and the other cradled my head against him.

  “He’s not dead. He’s just unconscious,” he whispered in my hair. He picked me up and carried me over to the front porch settling me down onto his lap. He lowly rocked me, soothing my cries. “Shh… you’re okay now. I have you. I will never let him hurt you again,” he whispered to me.

  We sat that way for minutes when he broke the silence. “How many times has he hit you?” He pulled me away from him so he could look into my eyes.

  “That was the first time,” I admitted.

  “Then how did you get that gash on the back of your head?”

  How did he know? “What gash?” I played dumb.

  He blew out a loud breath. “Sweet Cheeks, I saw it while you were sleeping at my house one morning. Well actually I felt it first when I was playing with you hair. It was pretty deep, probably should’ve had stitches,” he said with a sympathetic smile. “I’m not a fool, Court. I know he hurt you, and I know that’s why you were so depressed before coming out to California.”

  I didn’t know what to tell him. If I told him what happened, he was gonna find out the truth about the rest. I just stared at him dumbfounded.

  He dropped his head. “I guess you don’t want to tell me.” I do want to tell you, but I can’t. “Why do you protect him?” he asked peering up at me through his thick, black lashes.

  “Jaxon, I don’t protect him. I’m not protecting him. I hate him. It’s… it’s just so complicated.” Tears escaped my eyes. He was going to find out about the baby, and I was going to lose him. I couldn’t stop the tears as they puddled in my eyes before racing down my cheeks. I’d never had this feeling of security before. He made me feel safe. He made me feel alive, and I was going to lose it all. My body shook as I could no longer
control the grief I’d been stricken with.

  Jaxon’s hands cradled my face. His thumbs brushed my tears away as they fell. His lips stole my cries as they fled from my mouth. The feelings I had for him in this moment while he tried to envelope my pain were indescribable. I thought I loved Phillip. I thought I knew what love was. But those feelings were nothing compared to what I felt for Jaxon. Maybe I didn’t exactly know what love felt like anymore. Maybe what I was feeling now was love. Maybe I was falling in love with this gentle but cryptic guy that swooped in on me at a vulnerable time and stole my heart.

  When Jaxon’s lips left mine I felt weak, exposed. “Court, I don’t know what he’s done to you. I can only imagine. I’ve been around guys like him before. I swear to you he will never do it again.” He brushed the hair that was stuck to my wet face from my eyes.

  “Jaxon, you can’t promise me that. He’ll always be around. I’ll never be able to escape him.” Not when I’m carrying his child.

  Phillip started coughing and sputtering. I looked over at him as he spat blood from his mouth. He sat up staring at us with so much hate. “You need to get the fuck out of here. This has nothing to do with you,” he said to Jaxon. His coughing continued, and he spat out more blood. His hand was draped over his stomach, holding his ribs as his face contorted with agonizing pain. Suddenly, as if something clicked in his mind, a devious grin spread across his face, exposing blood covered teeth. “This is between Courtney and I. What we choose to do with our baby is our business.”