Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  Troy and I hadn’t spoken since that day he first met Courtney. I was too pissed off at him, plus I was afraid he would expose the most important thing I’d been hiding.

  Walking into the bar, I headed right to my office. I still wasn’t ready to face Troy. I was afraid of punching him dead in the face.

  “So, has the doppelganger gone home?” Troy asked, standing in the doorway to my office. I didn’t even hear him open the door.

  “Don’t fuck with me, Troy I’m still fucking pissed at you. Do you know how damn difficult you made this week for me?” Troy didn’t say a word he just stood there and watched me. “She knew! She fuckin’ knew you had an issue with her. She asked me about it, and I had to lie to her.” Red crept into my vision.

  Troy laughed, but it wasn’t one filled with joy. “Now you just wait a fucking minute,” he growled, pointing a finger at me. “I didn’t make you lie about anything. You’ve done a fine job of that since the day you met her. All I did was try to talk some fucking sense into your stubborn-ass,” he shot back at me.

  He cocked his head and narrowed his eyes at me. “And what’s with that little stunt her and her friend pulled last night? Were you trying to get the place shut down? C’mon dude, get your dick out of your ear and listen to me. This girl is going to be nothing but trouble for you. She’s—”

  I stopped him in his tracks. “I get it, Troy. Don’t worry. I will never jeopardize my business, if that’s what you’re worried about. This place means too much to me for me to let it go down—”

  Troy trudged heavily over to the front of my desk, cutting me short. “We are partners here, remember? I may not have put the money into this place like you have, but we know damn sure I’ve added enough man labor to justify my half of the business.” He blew out a loud breath, an exasperated breath. “Look man, I’m not fighting with you over this. I’ll tell you again, like I told you the day she got here—nothing good is going to come out of this. She’s not Heather, nor will she ever be. They may look the same, they may act the same, but they are not the same. Is it coincidental? Yes, but you are just setting yourself up for more heartache.” Troy dropped down into the black leather chair positioned in front of my desk. “Dude, you’re my brother, and I’ve been through a lot of shit with you over the years. I’m not going to watch you fall back into the drugs, alcohol, and prostitution again.”

  “Who said I’m going back to dabbling in that shit?”

  “Jaxon, when she finds out what your interest is with her, she will never speak to you. I can’t watch you self-destruct for a second time.”

  Massaging my temples, I tried to release the tension I felt building up in my head. “I will be fine. She will be fine. Stay off my back, Troy. I know what I’m doing.”

  Troy popped up out of the chair. “Whatever, man, you do what you got to do, just don’t drag me and everybody else down with you,” he scolded. He turned his back to me as he walked out of my office then turned back, facing me at the door. “As always, I’ll be here to catch you when you fall dude, because it will happen, especially when Valeria finds out. That psycho bitch will destroy you and Courtney.” He walked out, shutting the door firmly behind him.

  Dropping my face into my hands, I tried to rub the stress off my face. “Valeria,” I grumbled to myself. That was another problem in my life. God, she almost saw Courtney last night. I couldn’t take a risk like that again. There were only two ways to bribe Valeria. If I couldn’t pay her off with sex, I could always resort to my next best offer—money. It satisfied her enough for me to run her off before Courtney had seen her with me.

  After catching up on some neglected paperwork and phone calls, I drove back to the house for a little bit of down time. My neck and shoulders were so tight from stress. I needed a swim.

  After my swim, I walked into my bathroom to shower, and the red lipstick was so loud it felt like it screamed at me. On my mirror were the words ‘Love is like a soul. Without it, your body is just a dark, empty vessel.’ Underneath it Courtney wrote ‘Let me in Jaxon, let me color your soul.’

  I wanted to let her in. I would let her in, but I just had to do it slowly. I felt ashamed for shunning her so often when we could have spent time alone. Controlling my sexual urges was a battle I nearly lost that first day. She was so damn perfect, so sensual to my touch, and so in tune with my body. The smell of cotton candy escaped the pores all over her body. I couldn’t resist the urge to inhale her scent every time I was close to her. I wanted to taste her every second, every minute that I was with her. She was my favorite flavor.

  Aside from my temptation to take her, I could no longer risk the evasive questions she asked. I knew her curiosity would win in the end, and I didn’t want to lie to her further than I already had. She didn’t deserve the repercussion of my temper. Every moment with her, I could see the questions forming on her lips, but she respected me enough to not ask… or maybe it was fear. I hoped it wasn’t fear. I never wanted her to be afraid of me.

  I turned the water on to start my shower. My smile was irreplaceable when I thought about her copying the hidden messages I’d left for her on the shower glass door. She brought me so much happiness. Warmth replaced the cold that had surrounded my heart for the past four years. Fate brought her to me. Heather brought her to me. A tragedy will not break us. I would fight it with everything I had in me.

  Chapter 30 ~ You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Baby

  “I was going to surprise you, but I changed my mind. I’ll just go ahead and tell you,” Jaxon teased me over the phone.

  I couldn’t believe it had been exactly two weeks since I left California, leaving a small piece of my heart with him. We both kept our promise to stay in touch. We didn’t want a relapse of falling apart like the last time.

  I bounced on my bed with excitement. “Oh goody! I love surprises.”

  “On second thought, maybe I’ll keep it to myself.”

  His playfulness was welcoming. We seemed to connect better, to open up more, when were not in each other’s sight. We decided to communicate the old fashion way—talking on the phone. We tried to Skype, but neither of us could speak openly while the other was watching. It turned into a staring contest most of the time. I wasn’t sure what held him back, but, for me, every time I saw him, all I could think about was the intimacy we shared. Jaxon wasn’t very fond of the whole social networking lifestyle, so our choices narrowed down to phone calls, texting, and the occasional Skyping.

  “No, no, no. Please tell me,” I pouted, giggling when I realized my bottom lip was protruding as if he could see me. I quickly sucked it back in, sinking my teeth into the fatty flesh.

  “Well since you’ve resorted to begging, I guess I’m not left with a choice.” His light laughter was contagious.

  Since I got back home there had been nothing but happiness in my life. Who knew having a boyfriend could be this much fun. Was that what he was—my boyfriend? We’d never discussed it. Should I ask him? Would I come off as being too pushy? Too demanding? I remembered Kendra telling me he thought of me as love material, but what exactly did he mean by that? My curiosity had to know. I’d go crazy not knowing.

  “I’m coming out for your graduation.”

  I exploded into a scream of glee. “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” I gushed.

  He was laughing loudly on the other side of the phone. “I take it you are okay with it?”

  “Okay? I’m freakin’ ecstatic! Jaxon, you just made me happier than what you already make me.” The feeling inside of me is absolutely indescribable. I’ve never felt this level of happiness in my life.

  “Mission accomplished,” he said with poise. “Sweet Cheeks, making you happy is my number one goal. I don’t ever want you to feel sad or angry. I know you’ve had too many years of struggling through a miserable relationship. I want to be your light. I want to be that person that gives you a reason to wake up every morning with a smile on your face.” His words lost all play. He was serious. Was this my ch
ance to ask him about our relationship status?

  “Jaxon, you are all those things to me. I can’t believe I’m telling you this, and I probably sound like the typical teenage girl, but… I count down the minutes, even seconds, when I know you are about to call or text me. My hands literally start to shake with excitement when I pick up my phone.” My heart rate picked up its pace. Butterflies burst in my belly just from talking about it. That’s just how euphoric he made me.

  He sighed into the phone. “And I don’t want that to ever stop. I want those feelings to intensify.” He groaned momentarily, “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to wait until your graduation. I may possibly have to make an impromptu trip before then. Hmm… like a weekly trip.” He cackled an evil laugh. “Yeah… I think I’ll have to see what kind of tricks I can pull out of my ass,” he said, talking more to himself than to me.

  I wanted to catch him at the perfect time. I wanted his mood to be cheerful. This was my opportunity to ask him where we stood. Here it goes. I better do it while I have the courage. “Jaxon, I’ve been thinking, or actually wondering… umm… what are we exactly?”

  “What kind of question is that?” he laughed. “Last I checked you were a smokin’ hot, southern speakin,’ sweet-as-cotton-candy chick that has turned my insides into a tangled up mess of zeal,” he said in his not so stellar southern accent. “Sweet Cheeks, I don’t need drugs when I have you. I’m flying high on the ecstasy of just thinking about you.” Whoa. His words instantly turned me into a hot mess. “I know what you’re asking, and, yes, I think of you as my girlfriend.”

  And there it was. He laid it all out in front of me like a Thanksgiving feast. Somebody, please resuscitate me. My heart just exploded with joy.

  “Is there anything else you want to know? Never mind, scratch that. I’m not ready to open that window yet.”

  “Get your ass off the phone and help me,” Kendra blurted at me, slinging my bedroom door open. She looked disheveled with no make-up on, her hair matted up into a pony tail, and a Walgreen’s bag dangling from her hand. She tossed the bag onto my bed then plopped herself down on top of it.

  I placed my hand over the mouthpiece on the phone. “What’s wrong?” I whispered to her, knowing something was terribly wrong. Kendra never went out in public looking the way she did right now.

  There was no point in hiding our exchange, Jaxon heard her loud and clear when she barged into my room. “Umm… sounds like you have a friend in crisis. I’ll let you tend to her. We can talk later.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, he’s sure. Now hang up the damn phone!” she cried, her voice muffled in my pillow.

  Until she looked up at me, I hadn’t notice the tears in her eyes. “Yes, it’s fine. I promise. Now go,” Jaxon demanded.

  “Bye,” I said, then quickly touched the end button.

  Setting my phone down on my nightstand, I scooted down my bed beside her. “What is wrong, Kendra? Talk to me.” I pleaded, rubbing her back. Her body shuddered beneath my hand as she sobbed.

  After she released a hard cry, she wiped her eyes and tried to catch her breath. “I think I’m pregnant, Court.”

  I wasn’t expecting to hear that. I was waiting for her to tell me anything but that. “Are you sure? How late are you?”

  Reaching over, I pulled a tissue from my nightstand and handed it to her. “Five days,” she stuttered through her hiccups.

  I waited for her to blow her nose before pressing for more information. “But you’re on the pill. I don’t understand.”

  She reached across me to grab another tissue. “When we were in California, I had a couple of days where I forgot. I got off schedule with the time change and stuff.”

  I started calculating up the days in my head. It didn’t add up. If I was calculating right, that week in California was too close to her period for her to be pregnant. “Have you taken a test?” I asked.

  “No, that’s why I bought these,” she said, unloading a bag full of pregnancy tests onto my bed.

  “Kendra, was it necessary to buy…” I counted all of them under my breath. “Seven?” I questioned in confusion.

  She shrugged me off. “I want to be sure. Don’t judge.”

  I laughed gently, trying to lighten the situation. “You know I never judge. C’mon, let’s go take one,” I said pulling her off my bed by her arm.

  Snatching up a box, I hauled her into the bathroom. “I’m not doing this by myself, you’re doing it with me,” Kendra proclaimed.

  “Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. Duh!” I said, shaking my head.

  “No, I mean I want you to take one with me too,” she said still fighting through the hiccups.

  Stopping dead in my tracks, I turned to face her. “Are you serious? Why? I haven’t had sex, so there is no reason for me to take one.”

  My body transformed into panic mode as I thought about the one incident with Phillip. I had worked hard to block that tainted memory from my mind. Kendra was throwing out the cast, reeling it back in. What if? Oh God! What would I do if it came up positive? I knew we didn’t use protection. We never did, but he always pulled out before it got too far. I didn’t know how far we got this time. I couldn’t remember. I had to believe he threw me off before he reached that point. My heartbeat began thumping hard in my chest. I had to pull myself together. I couldn’t let Kendra be aware of the possibility.

  “Because that’s what friends do. I know yours will come up negative, but it will still make me feel better if you do this with me. Please?” She begged.

  Blowing out a hard sigh, I walked back into my bedroom to get another test. I couldn’t believe I was going to do this. My hands were shaking. My nerves were taking over. She was going to know. I pitched the box to her. It was my only way to deter her eyes from my shaky hands.

  I ripped the box open with too much force and pulled the small stick out. “You read the directions. And you’re going first,” I added.

  Kendra read the directions aloud then squatted over the applicator while she peed on it. “Okay, now it’s your turn.” I noticed her hands trembling. My heart hurt for her. She never got upset or nervous over anything, but this seemed to really rattle her.

  My nerves filled my bladder. I had no trouble wetting the test.

  “Have you told Reed?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “No. I’m scared to. Everything is finally coming together for him, Court. What if it comes up positive? I will ruin everything he has worked so hard for.” Her lip quivered, and tears began to spill from her eyes again.

  Tossing my test into the sink, I rushed over to wrap my arms around her. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. No matter how this all turns out, Reed is still going to love you. You know you can’t get rid of him that easy.”

  She only nodded in agreement.

  I pulled off some toilet paper and handed it to Kendra. “Here, honey. Dry those pretty eyes up.”

  Kendra worked on her eyes and nose until she no longer had the sniffles. “Okay, I think our time is passed from being up,” she said. “It only takes three minutes. You look at it. I’m scared to.”

  I didn’t even have to pick her test up. I could clearly see there was no line. She was free.

  “It’s negative!” I exclaimed. She jerked the applicator up to see for herself. “Oh my God, Courtney!” She jumped up and down screaming. With all the commotion, I was thankful my mom wasn’t home. This wasn’t exactly a scene I would want to explain to her.

  “I have to go. I have to see Reed and beat the shit out of him for scaring me to death.” She pulled me to her roughly giving me a quick squeeze. She grabbed her keys and walked out of my room. “Throw the rest of those tests away if you want,” she yelled to me as she walked out of my house.

  And just like that all the craziness was gone. Evaporated.

  I thought about calling Jaxon back and telling him what happened, but I changed my mind when I saw all the tests spread out over my bed. Quickly, I picked th
em up and hid them in my closet. I walked back into the bathroom to clean up the rest of our mess before my mom got home and saw them.

  As I picked the empty boxes up off the sink, I was caught off guard by what I saw. I blinked my eyes repeatedly to clear my vision. It can’t be. This can’t be real. I started my breathing technique before a panic attack caused me to lose all control. Two lines. Two clearly visible pink lines staring back at me. Grabbing the positive test from the sink, I quickly tossed it in the trash and ran to my closet ripping open another test. My hands were shaking so violently, I could hardly hold it still under the stream. Sitting still on the toilet, I waited for the longest three minutes of my life.

  Holding the stick in my hand, I was unable to peel my eyes away from it, slowly watching the pink line form, matching the one beside of it. I shook my head as tears streamed down my face.

  I went through the torturous process until I’d used all six tests. All six of them displayed positive results. My life is just starting, and now it’s going to end. I’m not ready to be a mother. I don’t want a baby with Phillip. Oh God, what have I done?

  Sinking to the floor, I crawled to the bathroom door and locked it. My chest tightened and my stomach caved in as I digested what could possibly happen to me. My body jerked from the sobs pouring out of me. I lay on the cold floor for what felt like hours, just wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.

  My body emotionally rejected the evil spawn Phillip planted in me, and I retched all over the cold linoleum floor.

  Chapter 31 ~ Vengeance is Mine

  I always sucked at playing charades. Going through the motions of pretending to live a normal, happy life was draining me dry. Feeling like a zombie at school, I couldn’t focus on my school work. I avoided Kendra, I avoided my mom, but I couldn’t avoid Jaxon. It wouldn’t be fair of me to punish him for my foolishness, though I did lie to him. What would one more lie hurt? I was becoming a pro. I’d told him I thought I was getting a cold and my throat hurt, so we stuck to texting for the time being. I was thankful because I feared he would hear the somber strain in my voice. He also gave me space. The time we normally spent talking to each other was cut in half. He demanded I rest and let my body have a break. If only he knew just how much rest my body really needed.