Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  Jaxon watched me like there was no one else but him and I as my hips swayed to the beat. I noticed he didn’t watch my body or my mouth, instead, his sky blue eyes connected to mine, like an invisible tether linking us together and not allowing either one of us to look away. The song ended, and it was like everyone around me disappeared. Silence settled in. I zeroed in on Jaxon, blocking out all of my surroundings. I had tunnel vision, and all I could see was him; he was my light at the end of the tunnel. He watched me curiously, and I wondered how much he read into the lyrics of my song.

  I jerked in response to Kendra bumping into me. All the sounds in the restaurant came crashing back to my eardrums. My invisible tether snapped, ending our private moment. A thrill of excitement traveled to every nerve ending, and I wanted to sing him another song. I choose ‘Animal’ by Neon Trees. I didn’t bother asking Kendra what she wanted. I think she saw what I was doing anyway and let me take the reins for a little while… or maybe not. I was intoxicated more than I thought, and, halfway through the song, I tried adding a few dance moves into the rhythm. My impaired judgment caused me to stumble and fall off the stage, and never got the chance to finish my song.

  The throbbing pain of my migraine came back, knocking on my skull again. I then remembered Jaxon’s reaction when he found out what Kendra and I had done. Silently groaning, I thought about how he had to pick me up and carry me outside to avoid all the spectators I had drawn.

  “Fuck!” he yelled.

  I cringed.

  He rubbed the scruff on his face and paced back and forth in front of me on the sand. His throat grunts were out of control. He was mad. I didn’t like this feeling at all. This was the first time he’d been openly upset with me, and it brought back haunting feelings. Phillip made me feel this way when he became furious with me.

  “Please don’t be mad at me,” I said in almost a whisper. I was sitting on the sand. The tide was starting to roll in, and it was inching closer to my bare feet.

  The moon was bright, casting a glow on Jaxon. Watching him carefully, I assessed his body language. He stopped pacing and turned with his back facing me, staring out at the waves breaking against the calm water. He shook his head. “You just don’t understand, Court.”

  “Then explain it to me, Jaxon,” I scolded, instantly regretting my harsh tone. I didn’t want him mad at me. I was mad enough at myself. I was feeling so exuberant before… before I got carried away and fell off the stage. Wanting to end my last day with a bang, I was having the time of my life. Then I had to screw it all up. Me, the amateur drinker, thought she could hold her own like she was a damn professional.

  Jaxon spun around, dropping to his knees in front of me, making us eye level. The crease between his eyebrows was deep, his eyes were narrowed, and his nose flared with each breath. His eyes told me he was battling with himself, not with me. He wasn’t mad. “I can’t!” he gritted between his teeth. I could see him working his jaw.

  Clench. Unclench. Clench. Unclench.

  He was searching for words. What was he about to tell me?

  He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “Dammit, Courtney. Don’t do this,” he begged. “Don’t go and ruin the best fuckin’ week of my life.”

  I absorbed his words. They weren’t what I was expecting to hear.

  “Then talk to me, Jaxon. Please.” I cupped his face in my hands. “Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me why you’re so upset,” I begged.

  He blew out an exasperated breath. “You’re fucking seventeen and I’m twenty two, that’s what’s wrong.” He pushed back onto his heels then turned to lay down beside me on the sand.

  I was stunned. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but he didn’t run. Baby steps.

  Several minutes of silence passed between us. Would my age come between us? Would it be our demise?

  Jaxon spoke first. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He folded his arms behind his head and stared out into the starless sky.

  I said nothing, yet I had everything to say. I just couldn’t say it out loud to him. My feelings were hurt, but I didn’t want him to know that. I didn’t want him to think of me as the weak little teenager that I really was. Often, I forgot about my age, and most of the time, it was when I was with him. But, this time, he made it loud and clear just how much our age difference really mattered. Not sure if it was from the alcohol or from the punch to the gut I had just received, I felt sick to my stomach.

  I was ready to go home, but home wasn’t here. That came tomorrow. It was time for me to find a ride back to Jaxon’s. “I am sorry, too,” I said then pushed myself up from the cool sand.

  Not getting any further than into a squatting position, Jaxon grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down onto him. “You’re not running off from me. That’s what little girls do, and I know you’re more than that.” My body landed straddled between his legs, and my face planted in his chest. The water lapped over my feet slowly, crawling up my legs. “I didn’t say that to hurt your feelings or to make you feel immature.” He crooked his forefinger, lifting my chin up, forcing me to look at him. “I have to be careful with you, Sweet Cheeks. You have no idea the amount of damage you can cause me.” Leaning up, he stretched his arm out behind him to rest on, and placed a warm kiss on my chilled lips.

  The innocent kiss was so much more to me. It was electrifying. The hairs on my arms stood at attention. He broke the kiss, but I came back for more. I acquired a taste for him long ago, and now I couldn’t ever get enough of it. Our kiss deepened. No longer resting between his thighs, I climbed up onto his lap and straddled him. His long piano fingers wrapped around my waist and lifted me up to position me onto a more pleasurable spot. He took me with him as he fell back against the sand. Within a second, I was flipped over onto my back. The rough sand scraped against my skin as he hovered over me.

  “No. Stop.” He shook his head. His eyes closed tight, inhaling a sharp breath. “I want you. God, I want you so fucking bad, but I can’t have you. Not now anyway. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t touch you again intimately until you turned eighteen.” He hopped up extending his hand to me. I reached for him, and he gently pulled me up. And just like that our moment was over.

  I was sick and tired of my age becoming the root of my rejection.

  We were both pretty wet at this point. My teeth began to chatter from the ocean breeze blowing against my wet dress. I hadn’t noticed it before, but, now that Jaxon had blown out the flame to the fire he ignited in me, it was hard to avoid.

  From the alcohol, to the cold wet clothes, to the rejection, my body was in turmoil and my stomach began to churn. “I don’t feel good. Can we leave?”

  Jaxon nodded and wrapped himself around me.

  Again, I was broken from my spell when I felt the covers sliding off of me. Jaxon groaned as he stretched. “How are you feeling, Sweet Cheeks,” he asked, wrapping his arms and legs around my entire body. “Horrible,” I grumbled. “I have little elves working inside my cranium chipping away pieces of my skull little by little with a hatchet,” I frowned.

  He chuckled slightly and his breath on my neck brought goose bumps. “That’s what happens when you steal vodka from me and drink the entire bottle by yourself within a few hours.”

  “It wasn’t stolen, and I didn’t drink the entire bottle,” I answered defensively. “Kendra paid you for it.”

  He yawned. “Still, what the hell were you two thinking?”

  “I obviously wasn’t. I was letting her make all the decisions for me.”

  He mumbled, “I’ll say.”

  His thumb formed circles on my bare shoulder. His thick, black eyelashes brushed against his cheek a couple of times before he looked up at me. “Court, do you remember last night?” I nodded. “I mean do you remember everything?” he asked. Oh gosh, this was the moment where he was going to tell me we had sex, and I was gonna have to admit to not being present. “I think so.”

  He propped up on one elbow, looking down at me as he cleared
his throat. “I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I couldn’t stop thinking about me and you and what our future holds for us. I’m a difficult person, Courtney. I’m dark inside. My heart is black, and my soul is empty. I’m telling you this because I’m falling for you. Hard. When I got upset last night, it wasn’t because of you, it was because of me.” His eyes made a bee-line to the pictures of his grandmother and mother sitting above his fireplace. “I’ve gotten myself into a lot of trouble in the past. I have a record.” He looked away from the women he loved, and his baby blues found their way back to me. “Last night when you got up on that stage in a drunken stupor, I was fearful of what could happen to us. All it would take was one person with a grudge to turn me in for serving alcohol to a minor, and they would’ve thrown my ass in jail. If I couldn’t see you or talk to you anymore…” he shook his head, as if he didn’t want to think about the consequences, “I don’t know what I would do. You’re good for me, Court, I feel so alive with you.”

  I felt like a fool. I could’ve easily ruined his life and, instead of him worrying about that, he was worrying about what could happen to us.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

  “I know you didn’t know, and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. But, like I’ve said before, I have a lot of baggage, Courtney, which you don’t need to be burdened with. The troubles of my past only bring me down, so, when I can, I prefer to leave it all where it is.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, his eyes still boring into mine. “If you can’t handle this, I’ll understand. It wasn’t fair of me to bring you in without warning you first, and I’m sorry for that.” His eyes were begging me not to leave.

  “Jaxon, in my eyes, your good outweighs your bad. Plus we started off as friend’s right? Well, friends stick by each other no matter what, so I’m not going anywhere. You’re kind of stuck with me for a while. I don’t leave so easily, just ask Kendra,” I smiled.

  He lowered his head kissing me softly, murmuring the words on my lips. “Thank you.”

  Quickly changing the subject, he laid his hand over my bare stomach. “How’s the tummy this morning? You really blew some chunks last night.” So that was why my throat hurt so much. I didn’t even remember it. After Jaxon carried me to his Jeep, I must’ve passed out because I had no recollection of what happened after that, except… except I vaguely remembered him talking to a girl down on the beach. Actually I think they might have been arguing. It seemed like I remembered Jaxon’s arms flailing in the air. Hell, I don’t know, maybe I dreamt it.

  “I don’t know. My head hurts too badly for me to focus on anything else.”

  He planted a chaste kiss on my forehead and rolled out of bed. “Just chill here for a little bit, and I’ll get you something to remedy your hangover.” He walked into his entertainment room and came back out carrying two bottles of water.

  “Water? That’s my cure?”

  He unscrewed the cap and handed it to me. “Yes. You’re severely dehydrated, that’s why your head is pounding. I tried giving you water last night, but, every time you chugged some down, it came right back up.” He crawled back into bed and curled up against me. Mmm, he felt good. Soothing.

  “Oh shit!” he exclaimed, jumping out of bed just as quickly as he crawled in. “It’s ten o’clock, and your flight leaves in two and a half hours.” I sprang out of the bed, instantly feeling queasy along with a hot knife stabbing me in my head. The pain was excruciating. I needed Excedrin, and I needed it quick.

  The four of us made it to LAX in record timing, according to Jaxon. On the way to the airport, I drank a little ginger ale and nibbled on toast. My headache eased up, but the sick feeling still lingered around. This time, though, it wasn’t because of alcohol. My heart pounded erratically, and I couldn’t catch my breath—I was grieving. I was grieving because, after spending a week with this beautiful man who thought he had a black soul, I had grown attached. We were now linked together. I had wrapped around him like a weed on a vine, and now my roots were getting cut, setting me free. I didn’t want to be free. Not without Jaxon.

  Jaxon pulled his Jeep up to the curb and helped us with our luggage. He made his rounds of hugs and goodbyes, saving me for last. Reed and Kendra both looked at me with sad eyes, then walked inside to give us privacy. My eyes brimmed with tears as his thick arms wrapped around my waist hugging me tight. He lifted his hands, carving them around my face. “Shh, it’s not goodbye, Princess,” he said, with his lips brushing up against mine. “I’ll be out to visit in a month. I’ll talk to you every day. We can Skype, so we can see each other. Whatever you want to do, I’ll do it.”

  He brushed an escaping tear from my cheek. “I want you to come with me.”

  “Baby, I wish I could, but I have things here I need to catch up on.”

  Understanding, I nodded. I was asking for the moon and stars.

  “I’m going to miss you like crazy.” I stretched up to my tiptoes and slung my arms around his neck squeezing him hard and inhaling his sweet mint one last time.

  “Are you sniffing me?” He asked me as if he never did it.

  “Yes, I’m making a memory.”

  Jaxon laughed at me before gently kissing my lips one more time.

  Throughout this time I’d spent with Jaxon, I’d learned so much about who he was. I’d also learned there was so much more about him that he kept concealed. He could freely express himself physically, but he battled exposing his true identity. Aside from learning that his favorite food was sushi, his favorite animal was a dog, and his favorite thing to do to release tension, besides sex, or least that’s what he told me, was swimming laps in his pool, I wanted to know who the real Jaxon Vaughn was. I wanted to climb into his body and pull out the person I felt he was hiding from me.

  Since I wasn’t in any mood to make small talk, I didn’t speak to Reed or Kendra. They left me alone and gave me my space. I wasn’t even nervous or excited about flying back home. All I could think about was Jaxon.

  We boarded the plane, and I let Reed have my seat. I wanted to be alone. As I sat there pondering over the past week, it occurred to me how I never saw Troy again except from a distance at our going away party. Then, the girl I thought I saw Jaxon arguing with on the beach slipped back into my mind. What else was he hiding from me?

  Chapter 29 ~ Jaxon

  My Jeep sat idling at the drop-off section in front of the airport. I had no consideration for other people’s loved ones saying their goodbyes. I was too wrapped up in myself. A girl was trying to invade my heart. I ignored the horns blowing as I walked into the airport. Standing at the entrance, I watched Courtney like a stalker until she passed through security and disappeared out of my sight. I wanted a cigarette so bad. Grabbing my little Altoid tin from my pocket, I tossed a handful of the little mints into my mouth.

  What the hell had I gotten myself into? I was in too deep now to end things with her. She’d grown too attached. Or was I the one that had grown attached? She was tearing up at the airport. I mean, fucking literally on the verge of crying because she didn’t want to leave me. Damn.

  How could this little girl, whom I met less than six months ago, dance on my emotions with so much force? I was so twisted inside. Was it my brain or my heart that was deranged? I couldn’t decipher whether or not the feelings I’d developed for her were new ones, sincere ones for her, or if they were the old one’s resurfacing. God, I was so fucked up.

  Walking out of the airport, I received several snide remarks and evil stares as I jumped back into my Jeep and drove off.

  Before going to Zack and Joey’s, I made a detour to the cemetery. I had to speak to Heather. I had to let her know I wasn’t going to fail her this time. Stopping at the fresh market, I bought an arrangement of flowers for her headstone.

  I despised cemeteries. The most important women to enter into my life resided in them.

  It had been a year since I’d visited. Creeping up to the obscure slab of granite, I squatted down in front of her
headstone to adjust the flowers so that they wouldn’t blow away in the breeze. I traced my fingers over her name—Heather Grace Morrison. Her name formed on my lips as I moved over each letter. “I miss you, Princess,” I whispered.

  My thoughts flipped back and forth to Courtney and Heather. Heather was just like Courtney when we met—full of life, willing to tackle new adventures, pure, sweeter than icing on a cake, but more directly, she fell for me, fast and hard. She was everything I wanted. She was my future bride. She was my life… until I took it from her… until I stopped her heart from beating. She then nearly became my death.

  “Why? Why did you have to leave me, Heather?” I yelled out to the heavens above.

  I didn’t notice the tear escaping my eye until the wind blew it across my cheek. God, it hurt. The pain still felt as fresh as the day my soul turned black. My heart constricted as each memory flashed back to me—the phone call, her limp hand dangling off the gurney, her pale, cold, but still beautiful face in the casket. I choked back the lump of guilt forming in my throat. No matter how hard I tried to move on, to wipe her from my mind, she still came back to haunt me… to remind me of the pain I caused her. Now she had found a way to seek revenge. Life was so cruel.

  Courtney was my punishment. I’d take my punishment with a firm punch. I’d take a hundred punches—I’d take them to the heart. After all, I deserved it.

  I’d prove her wrong this time. I wouldn’t ruin her. I wouldn’t poison her body. I was a different person now. I was a better person now. Everybody deserved a second chance, right?

  I knew I needed to stay away, but I couldn’t. This was my last opportunity to right a wrong. I’d rectified all the rest of my fuck-ups, this was my one shot to correct my biggest one.

  “Princess, I know you hear me. I know you hear my inner thoughts. Please forgive me. I beg for your mercy. Give me this last chance.” I brushed away the dead grass clippings then kissed the picture of her engraved into the smooth granite. “I love you, Princess. I’ll love you till the day I die.” I promised before walking down the path back to my Jeep.