Chapter Eight
If you aren’t a natural people pleaser, you won’t understand how difficult it is to have friction between you and your friends. I can’t stand to leave things unfinished or unsettled or to feel like the people who mean the most in my life are unhappy with me. It’s why I let Anna boss me around sometimes and why I always try to support my friends no matter what they do. And truthfully, it’s why I desperately want their approval. Making the people close to me happy is what makes me happy. It’s just the way I’m wired.
So, with that in mind, you might be able to imagine how horrible I felt after leaving Jared alone in the park. But I didn’t know how to fix that situation. I didn’t know what I could do to make it better. I didn’t even know what it was that had happened between us. How had we gone from discussing our life problems to kissing in the park?
I spent Sunday afternoon curled up in my overstuffed armchair with a thick blanket. It was my favorite place to think. Dressed in an old pair of yoga pants and an oversized hoodie, I stared at the faded wood floor and watched the strips of sunlight grow longer as the clock on the wall ticked off the minutes.
I felt wrung out and couldn’t understand how I’d gotten that way. Things were supposed to be better. I’d gotten through that damned anniversary and decided to kick start my life again. I’d taken the first step, reached out and met someone wonderful. Sure, Ollie and I hadn’t started out in the conventional way, but this wasn’t the eighties or even the nineties. You could order pizza online, why shouldn’t it be possible to meet your soul mate that way too?
Then there was Jared. Was I even ready to try and decipher that disaster? I’d always hidden behind my list of reasons he was undateable. I’d felt safe and happy in the knowledge that while he was way out of my league, we were still really close friends. Why wouldn’t I be happy with that? I knew him better by being his friend than any of the women he’d dated ever had. Was knowing him so well the thing that had blurred the line between friends and something more?
Around and around inside my head, like a carousel out of control that I couldn’t step off of. Ollie or Jared, Jared or Ollie. Was I even crazy to think that there was a choice involved?
Jared had accused me of having what amounted to an inferiority complex. Was that why I’d chosen to meet someone online? Had I been hoping they would see the person inside first before getting a good look at the whole package? Was that really what I’d done?
My hands clenched involuntarily and I stared at them, thinking back over the years at the relationships I always found myself getting in and out of. I dated solid, steady, pretty average-looking guys. Anna was the one who dated the flashy, tall dark and handsome men who looked like they’d just walked off the cover of GQ.
Why was that? Sure, Anna was a shameless extrovert and beautiful to boot. But did that really bother me? I was almost the opposite, shy, quiet and introverted without any desire to be the center of attention. I didn’t want a flashy guy. I just wanted someone who loved me. I didn’t want to spend my whole life feeling as if every other woman in the room was staring at my guy. I didn’t need that kind of trouble.
It hit me all at once like a sucker punch. Just because a guy looked like a flashy extrovert didn’t mean he was. Jared was trying to tell me that he was tired of people thinking that’s who he was. He wanted to be loved for who he was inside, not what people saw when they looked at him. Jared was sexy and attractive, but he wanted someone different, someone like…me.
* * *
Sunday nights at the gym aren’t crowded. I parked my car in a spot right outside and pushed my way through the front doors, still uncertain why I was there. The desk was deserted and Jared’s office was empty. I was glad. Any excuse to put off contact between Jared and me was a welcome one.
I pushed my way into the locker room while trying to settle on one of the million or so reasons I’d given myself for being there. It was warm inside, familiar. I spun the combo on my locker and set my hobo bag on the shelf. I stared at the jumbled assortment of workout clothes, waffling back and forth. Which would it be; the dogged numbness of the treadmill or the cool kiss of the water in the pool?
Part of me wanted to find Jared, to demand an explanation for what had happened earlier in the park. The rest of me wanted nothing to do with any explanation, afraid that I might not like it. So, going with the majority of my emotions, I dug my swimsuit out of the pile.
I glanced furtively around the empty locker room even though I didn’t see or hear anyone. Shucking out of my clothes with as much speed as I could muster, I grabbed at my swimsuit and pulled it on. If you’ve ever tried to put on a bathing suit quickly you know it’s not an easy job, but I managed. My distaste for being naked in a wide-open locker room sometimes conflicts with my laziness about lugging my stuff back and forth to a dressing room.
Just as I settled the straps on my shoulders, Hungry pushed her way into the locker room. I could not have been more relieved. Of all the people I wanted walking in and catching me trying to stuff myself into my bathing suit, Hungry was at the bottom of my list. Reaching for my towel, I gave her a once over from the corner of my eye. She was dressed in street clothes, but what struck me as odd was that she was alone. I almost never saw her without Desperate.
I can safely say that Hungry has never looked at me in anything that might be construed as friendliness, but there was a decided chill to her expression that evening. Her pinched face and dark eyes were almost hostile. Something else about her that evening struck me as odd until I realized that her blue contacts were gone, replaced with rimless glasses. I honestly thought the switch was rather flattering to her, but she didn’t look as if she’d welcome my opinion on the subject. Not even bothering with the pretense of a polite nod, I exited the locker room for the natatorium.
The warm, humid air embraced me when I entered. I set my towel on a deck chair and kicked off my flip-flops. The blue water was unbelievably inviting, especially in light of the inner battle my head had been waging with my heart all day. I wanted this respite from my personal life. I needed it.
Technically we’re supposed to wear a swim cap in the pool. Men aren’t required to, just women. Anna and I have told Jared multiple times that this is sexist, as some men use more hair product than any woman, and most of them are in the process of going bald, so they lose more hair too. That argument usually gets a grin out of him, but he never enforces the rule, so it’s sort of a moot point anyway.
I could care less about the swim cap thing, except that trying to stuff all of my long, curly hair into a tiny piece of rubber is like trying to fit an elephant in a Prius. Of course, swimming with my hair loose doesn’t work either, if I ever want to comb it again, so over the years I’ve settled for a braid and left it at that. It only took a few moments to plait my hair before diving into the 10 foot end of the pool.
I can still remember the very first time I went under water as a little kid. It was terrifying and fascinating all at once. The muted noises and the liquid freedom that comes with the water are intoxicating. I felt as if all of my worries and insecurities were left above the surface. Reaching out my arms and kicking my feet, I propelled myself through the cool water until a burning sensation in my lungs forced me up for air. Settling into my usual pace, I began a series of freestyle laps.
When I lost track of how many times I’d crisscrossed the pool, it occurred to me that I’d been slacking off on my swimming lately. The trembling in my muscles and the lightheaded sensation were dead giveaways. I knew why. I’d been spending a good chunk of my time chatting online or on the phone with Ollie. It was always that way when I was deep into a relationship. It had been the same during my eight-and-a-half-month relationship with Professor Jackass.
I stopped swimming, turning over and floating on my back in the pool. There were eight lights hanging overhead, huge bulbous things leftover from the old apartment building days. I’d teased Jared once about cleaning them by filling the pool with Windex a
nd just dipping them in. Now I squinted my eyes to make them blur together in streaks while I bobbed aimlessly in the water.
Why did I do that? Why did I allow my relationships to take over my life? Professor Jackass had been obsessed with museums, and while we were dating, I had visited every single museum in the St Louis area, and there are a lot of them. We even have a Dog Museum. I’ve been there twice.
On the flipside, Professor Jackass had never come to the gym with me. I couldn’t even remember if I’d even asked him. Why not? Why wouldn’t I want to do the things with my significant other that I did all the time with my friends?
I sank farther into the water, wondering if Ollie liked to swim, or take walks or ride a bike. Would he do those things with me if I asked him to? Did I want him to do those things with me? Why wouldn’t I if I were seriously considering a long-term relationship with him? How come all of this stuff was so damned complicated?
I pulled myself to the edge of the pool and heaved out of the water. I flashed back to Jared’s graceful exit from the pool the other day and chuckled out loud. I’d never be that coordinated. Water seeped out of my suit and ran in rivers from my braid. I left a trail of drips all the way over to my towel.
I wrung out my fat braid until it was a few pounds lighter before drying my face, shoulders and arms. Then I wrapped the fluffy white towel around my body. The towels had been one of Anna’s most emphatic suggestions for Jared about the locker room renovations. He’d taken her advice, though I don’t think he totally understood the draw of a great big fluffy towel.
My feet found their way into my flip-flops and I headed for the steps. I felt better. I didn’t have all the answers; I wasn’t stupid enough to think that I ever would. And I didn’t have a clue as to what I was supposed to do with this strange thing that had happened between Jared and me. But I knew I had to talk to him. And I needed to talk to Ollie as well. I needed to nail him down and get some answers about what we were going to become if we continued to be a couple.
My teeth were chattering by the time I managed to slip out of my swimsuit and pull on my clothes. Not even the radiant heat in the tile floor could alleviate the chill that settled into my bones. Not in the mood to tangle with my messy hair, I ignored my braid. Pulling on my sweatshirt, I left the hood up and grabbed my hobo bag. I wanted nothing more than to go home, take a warm bath, and snuggle into bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a book. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with everything else in my life. I needed a night to relax and get myself together.
The gym was empty. The huge round clock on the back wall read ten minutes to eight. I hadn’t realized it was so late. I glanced around instinctively for Jared, knowing he’d be getting ready to close and not sure if I wanted to see him or not.
I’d almost made it to the front doors when I heard voices. Curious, but not wanting to be obvious, I slowed my steps and looked around from the anonymous safety of my oversized hood. A woman’s sob caught me completely off guard and I pushed my hood back and dropped any pretense of indifference.
Jared’s office was located right behind the front desk, his door only a few steps away from where I was standing. Shifting to my left, I could see him inside with someone. It took me a moment to recognize Hungry. Stunned to find them alone together, I didn’t even bother to feel bad about my eavesdropping.
“You can’t mean that, Jared!” Hungry was trying to reach for him.
Jared stepped back, holding up his hands. “I told you it was over.”
“But I left to be with you!”
“Don’t you put that on me, Gillian, you had other reasons, and you know it. I told you long before you left that there was no chance.”
“But the other day…” She pressed her hands to her mouth. “You asked me.”
“That’s my job, Gillian. I didn’t do it out of a personal interest in you.”
“Because of her? Is that why? That’s when you stopped loving me! When she came here!”
Her accusation brought me forcefully aware of my intrusion. My heart was thundering in my chest so loudly that I was shocked they couldn’t hear it. Hungry, whose name was apparently Gillian, had mentioned to her friend the other day that she thought Jared was coming around. Was this what they were arguing about? Was Gillian the woman Anna had been hinting at with her growing pains speech? Gillian? Had Jared been seeing her all this time even when he’d been kissing me in the park just hours ago?
Every ounce of peace I’d gained from my swim drained out of my mind and body. My muscles clenched and my throat closed as I fought the urge to cry like a baby. What the hell was wrong with everybody?
“Well screw you, Jared Walker!” Gillian and Jared were still having their little lovers’ spat. She flung a pile of papers at him and stormed from the office. I froze as she stopped about two feet from where I was standing, her angry face scorching me with its intensity.
“Oh perfect, at least now the cat is out of the bag,” she snarled. “Aren’t you just the luckiest bitch on the planet? Does it make you feel special that high and mighty Jared Walker can break up a marriage and then throw away his prize just because precious little princess Megan arrives on the scene?”
I had nothing to say. How could I? I hadn’t the foggiest idea what she was ranting about, though my suspicions were drowning me in doubt and horror.
She stomped past me, turning as she exited to fling one last thought over her shoulder. “I hope you make each other miserable!”
I had two choices. One, march into Jared’s office and demand an explanation. Two, follow Gillian out the door and go hide in my Townhouse. Two was looking like the better option when Jared appeared in his doorway and took the choice right out of my hands.
“Don’t go,” he rumbled. “I owe you an explanation and I can’t stand how awkward things have gotten between us lately.”
My eyes fluttered closed briefly and I thought about leaving anyway, refusing to listen. But that’s not how I’m made. A part of me still wanted to make things better, to fix things and smooth them over.
If I felt awful, Jared looked it. He was disheveled, a shadow of gold stubble on his face and his faded sweatpants and T-shirt rumpled. His feet were bare and for some reason, I wasn’t lost to the intimate feeling that tiny fact lent to our situation.
“It isn’t what you think.” His face twisted into a rueful smile. “Or at least it’s not what I think you think.”
I shifted, leaning my hip against the front desk. “Then what is it?”
He crossed his arms over his muscular chest and rested one broad shoulder against the doorjamb. “Remember earlier I told you about my mistakes during the first year running this place?”
I nodded, how did one forget a conversation that changed everything?
“Gillian was one of the last women I had a relationship with during that time. I’d already started to realize how much I needed to change the way I was living my life. When I found out she was married, I ended it.”
I remembered what she’d said to me. “And she still left her husband?”
“She and her husband were through. They were both sleeping around, and I found out later that I wasn’t her first indiscretion.”
“That was five years ago, Jared,” I reminded him, my voice soft.
His expression was pained. “I know. Gillian has never truly let go of the idea that we belong together. It becomes an issue every once in awhile, and I have to give her a firm no.”
“It must not be firm enough.”
“I’m realizing that now. She came to me with a request for personal training a few weeks ago and I went ahead and started the process, thinking it’d been so long that there was no chance she’d start in on this again. I was very wrong.”
I tried to process what he was telling me. I knew it all made sense. Some of it I even had from Gillian herself. But there were other things, other points that I couldn’t get past. “What does any of it have to do with me?”
“Anna introdu
ced you and I not long after Gillian’s divorce was final. She’s got it into her head that I won’t go back to her because of you.”
“Why would she think something stupid like that?”
Jared pushed away from the doorjamb, closing the distance between us in two strides. He took my hand in his, tugging me closer. Stunned by the contact, I could only watch it happen. A lump of dread formed in my belly, and I wished I could stop time like a bad film.
“You’re the only one who can’t see it, Megan.”
“See what?” My voice was faint.
“How much I love you.” Jared eyes held mine with an intensity I couldn’t shake. “How much I want to be a part of your life, to be that person that completes you.”
“No!” I snatched my hand away. “Don’t say those things! Why do you have to ruin everything?”
“How, Megan. How am I ruining it?”
“You’re my friend! You’re supposed to be my friend!” I struggled to find the words. “I can’t deal with this…stuff!”
“What stuff?”
I waved my hand around the desk, referring to everything that had happened a few minutes before, hours before, days before, since I’d met Ollie. What was with Anna and Jared? Why did they have to drop all of this crap on me just when I thought things were going so well? “This! The Gillian thing, everything! I know you said that sexy can sometimes be responsible. That maybe someone who played the field has had enough and wants to change, but how is that possible when all of your bad decisions pop up and bite us both in the ass?”
“Megan…”
“Don’t Megan me, Jared Walker, how many more of these past indiscretions are going to come back to haunt you? Don’t you realize that this is what I avoid? This is why you’re undateable. This is why you’re my friend and not more! I can’t take this shit! So just stop right there and leave me the hell alone!”
I ran then. I left him, ashen faced, open-mouthed, and all alone as I bolted out the front door and to my car. I fumbled for my keys, the tears streaming down my face and making it difficult to see anything. It was dark and cold and I was glad because that’s exactly how I felt inside.
Mr. Wonderful Lies Page 10
