by Lisa Gerkey
“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I promise I’m going to keep working on myself. I’m going to make you proud of me, Jaycee.”
“I’m already proud, baby girl. You and Josh look wonderful together, happy. I think you’re right for each other.”
Josh leads me in the opposite direction when we leave the office. Apparently, everyone assumes we’re together. A couple.
I assume nothing. I know everything that’s in my past. No man will ever want me. Josh might want a good time with me, but he doesn’t see a future with me. I’m sure he doesn’t. Why would a good man like him want someone like me?
We enter a large room where people are gathered around. A bar sits in the center.
“This is the main room. You’ll see things in here, but there’s much more to see downstairs. There are private rooms, too.”
Nothing shocks me. I’ve seen everything. Bondage, whips, being forced to kneel or crawl, it’s all familiar. Not familiar is how everyone seems happy here. I see no one trying to get away from their partner.
“I know it’s a lot to take in the first time.”
“No, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. It’s just…everyone seems like they enjoy it. They all look happy.”
We walk around until we get to a group of couches all arranged so several couples can sit together. A woman performs oral sex on her partner. She’s kneeled between his legs while he guides her head to please him. He smirks and runs his fingers over her face while she takes him in and out of her mouth. They don’t seem to notice the other couples near them.
I jump when I feel Josh’s hand on my hip. “Everything is consensual here and done safely.”
After he explains, he encourages me to walk ahead of him. He guides me through the main room to a different hallway. We go down steps to a different level. I hear sounds long before I can see what’s happening. I freeze my footsteps when we get to the doorway.
“This is the dungeon. There are always two or three monitors present to keep an eye on everything. There’s always a safe word when you’re in here. A couple can have their own private safe word that only they use, but the word ‘red’ is always a safe word that will get a monitor’s attention every time.”
Josh guides me inside. I should say something, but I can’t find words to explain what I feel. This reminds me nothing of things I’ve seen before, the things I’ve had to do. My thighs clench when I watch a young couple about the same age as Josh and me.
The woman is suspended with rope. The way the rope winds around her body creating a pattern is…beautiful, sexy. The scene is erotic and breathtaking.
She faces the floor with her arms crossed and bound behind her back. Her legs are bent and spread, so her ankles rest against her upper thighs. The man strikes her a few times with a flogger. From the way her thighs and ass are red, I can tell he’s been doing it for a while.
Suddenly, he drops the flogger to the floor and walks behind her. He pulls his cock from his leather pants and positions himself. She screams with pleasure when he enters her entirely with one stroke.
I turn quickly to avoid watching them. I look directly into Josh’s eyes. I expect he’ll laugh or make fun of me for reacting this way, but he doesn’t. He’s breathing heavily, and his eyes are darker than usual. He’s affected, too.
Josh is sexy as hell. I’ve not taken a lot of time to notice it until recently. My mind has been all over the place, but now as I look at his broad shoulders and the way his shirt stretches across his chest, I appreciate how good he looks. “Josh.”
I reach up and run my hand across the stubble on his face. It lights a fire from my palm through my belly and between my legs.
“Kennedy, you need to stop. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. We should go.”
I grab his hand when he tries to turn away from me, and drop to my knees in front of him.
“Fuck.” I can’t see his face, but I can hear the shock in his tone. “Not here, baby. Let’s go.”
I’m confused when he pulls me to my feet and hauls me quickly into the hallway outside the dungeon. A couple walks by and speaks to Josh, but he pays no attention. His focus is on me. I don’t understand.
“What are you doing? I thought…”
“I…I don’t know, Kennedy. Seeing you like that. Fuck. I didn’t want everyone else looking at you…”
“But, I thought… Isn’t that why you brought me here?”
Josh shakes his head. “I only came here so you could see your sister. I thought we’d look around. Whatever happens between us will stay between the two of us. I don’t want to share any part of you with anyone.”
“People have seen me, you must know after everything I’ve done…”
“What I know is all that is behind you now. There’s no place for it here. I don’t care about your past, Kennedy. You deserve…” He skims his fingers over my cheek, the most adoring look on his face. “You deserve better than anything you’ve ever had before. I don’t want to treat you the way everyone else has.”
I step from his embrace. I can’t see much from our location, but I look at the few people entering and leaving the dungeon. “Isn’t this what you like? You’re comfortable here.”
“I am. There are things I like about the lifestyle, but it’s not something I need all the time. Hell, maybe nothing I need at all. A phase I went through or something. I don’t know. Even if we decided to play together in a sex club, you’re not ready for that. I want to give you more than this.”
Sounds like feelings in his voice, and in the way he looks at me.
Perhaps I imagine it.
“We should go. You’re right. I’m not ready.”
Chapter Fifteen
Josh
“I’m disappointed. I didn’t expect the night to end like this. I’m sorry.”
I want to remind Kennedy what I promised would happen if she continues to apologize for every little thing. I don’t. She’s insecure. Unsure. She’s come far in a short time, but there’s still a long way to go with her recovery and healing.
“Haven’t you figured it out yet, Kennedy? This isn’t the end between us, sweet girl. We haven’t even started yet. You have scars and emotional baggage to work through, but I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to work on burying the damn memories you have of David Jennings and everyone else before me.”
I need to find a way I can help Kennedy get past everything. It’s on the end of my tongue to suggest she talk to a therapist, but I remember how pissed Jaycee got when we all suggested she should speak to a professional. Kennedy trusts me. Maybe not entirely, but probably more than anyone else. I have to be the one who helps her.
On the way back to the apartment, I stop and get a couple of pizzas. Since I haven’t been around much, I don’t have much food at home. Kennedy stays quiet the whole ride there. Instead of talking, I use the time to make a few plans in my head.
She follows me when I climb the steps to my apartment. My hands are full, carrying our food and drinks.
“Grab my keys out of my pocket, babe.”
Her pretty face flushes as she fumbles around with her unsteady fingers until she pulls them free. Without saying a word, she unlocks the door, and we go inside.
“Come on, Kennedy. You’ve been quiet since the club. Tell me what’s on your mind.” I set everything on the kitchen table and face her while I wait for a reply.
“I don’t know what to say, Josh. You confuse me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around you. I’ve never done this before… I don’t even know what this is.”
“You say whatever you’re thinking and act naturally. There’s no right or wrong thing to say or do, Kennedy. I don’t know what this is either. The more time I spend with you, the more aware I am that we have something between us. I’d like to find out what it is. So, what about it? You want to explore with me? At the very least, I’d say we’re friends. I hesitate to say that’s all there is.”
I get everything we need out of the cabi
nets and pile a few slices of pizza on a plate.
“I’m nothing like the women you're used to, Josh. Maybe I don’t look so bad now, but…”
“You’re beautiful. Even the train wreck you were before couldn’t hide that. I saw you, Kennedy. The first time I laid eyes on you in that alley, I saw you underneath everything. Apparently, David and all those cocksuckers brainwashed you and made you think you weren’t good enough, or pretty enough. Forget them. Forget anything they ever said to you. You are fucking beautiful. Inside and out. Believe it. Own it.”
While she sits at the table and picks around on a slice of pizza, I eat three slices, and then I go to the living room. This night could’ve gone so much differently. She was on her knees in that dungeon, offering herself to me. I had the opportunity to take advantage of her, her sweet mouth. I yearn to feel her lips wrapped around me, but there wasn’t the place for it to happen. Even if the time is now, I want it to be only her and me.
“What are you doing?”
I adjust myself before I turn around. I want Kennedy so damn much. I don’t feel the need to hide it from her, but I don’t want her to think that’s all this is, all I want from her.
“I thought we could watch a movie unless you’d rather go to bed.”
“I can handle watching TV for a little while. I can’t sleep more than a few hours anyway.”
I turn on a popular movie channel where there’s always a sappy romance movie on. I couldn’t care less what’s on television. My eyes will be on Kennedy the whole time.
“Let’s get into some comfortable clothes and relax for a while.”
I wait in the living room while she disappears to change into her pajamas—a t-shirt and shorts. When she comes back and sits on the couch, I take my turn. Sleep pants and no shirt, of course. I want to feel as much of Kennedy as I possibly can when she snuggles her little body against me to watch the show.
She lies back on the couch, and I pull her feet into my lap. I need to touch her, and this seems innocent enough. The first thirty minutes go by with neither of us saying a word. Then, Kennedy starts getting restless, wiggling around, and watching me instead of the movie. Something’s on her mind.
“I missed all this when I was a teenager. You know. Late night movies and that sort of thing… I know this isn’t a date, but…it’s nice. Thank you.”
I maneuver around until I’m lying behind her. I pull her to me, her back to my front. “I suppose you also missed the part where the movie is forgotten because the guy can’t take his eyes off his girl. He wants to put his lips on her, his hands.”
She turns to lie on her back and look at me. I don’t think she can tell if I'm serious. I’m serious as a damn heart attack about wanting to be with her. I know it’s going to happen. I just don’t want to push her to do something she isn’t ready for.
Kennedy reaches out and runs her fingers through my hair, a look of adoration on her face, contentment even. “How did I get so lucky? Some people wait forever for someone to come along and…save them. You did, you know? You saved me. I don’t want to let you down. I’m afraid. So afraid I’ll slip up and fall backward.”
“That’s when I’ll come find your ass, and we start all over again. I’m serious, Kennedy. You’re too good for that life. I can’t imagine how hard it is leaving it all behind…”
“Not hard at all. At least not most of it. I never wanted that life, Josh. I didn’t even want the drugs, but once I was addicted I didn’t know how to not have them. I know a lot of it is mental, but it’s physical too. Plus, I can’t lie…the drugs help…make me forget.”
I understand she wants to forget everything. I can’t imagine all the things she must think about all the time. I feel heartbroken and sick when I think about everything David did to her. She didn’t experience anything the way a young woman should. The bastard took everything from her.
“Let’s concentrate on making new memories. The past will always be there, but it doesn’t define who you are today, baby. You’re becoming…”
Fuck. I stop before I say too much. You’re becoming everything to me. The second half. The reason I get up every day. The air I breathe. She isn’t ready to hear all that. Baby steps. One step at a time is what I need to take with her, but damn, all I want to do is take one big leap to the bedroom and close the door. I want to make love to her. I want to give her back some of the things David took from her.
Chapter Sixteen
Kennedy
I look at Josh, and all I can think is, who the hell is this man and where did he come from? I guess I’ve always known guys like him existed, but I never thought I’d end up in the arms of one. He wants me. I listen to the things he says, and I believe Josh Maddox really does want me. I’m not sure I’m ready. In the back of my mind, I know I’ll never be good enough.
“How long are we staying in Nashville?”
“I don’t know. Nashville is my home now. I can’t leave my brother hanging much longer. I either need to tell him straight up so he can hire someone, or I need to get my shit together and get back to work.”
I can’t get Lindsey off my mind. I don’t know much about her, but I feel like we need to find her to warn her of the danger. I’m sure she knows Jayson is dangerous, but still, I want to connect with her.
“I want to find Lindsey and talk to her.”
“I’ve been thinking about that, too. I didn’t know her very well, but I saw her around a few times when she was living here. She’s living in Bowling Green now. Dad’s new wife, Maggie, has a daughter named Lindsey. What are the chances Lindsey is actually my step-sister?”
We’ve been so focused on me. I guess I forget Josh has things going on too. When we were cooped up in the cabin, we talked about his life a little. I was so angry with him I didn’t listen. His dad came by a few times to check on us. I like Clayton a lot. He understands me more than most because he’s fought his own addiction. The little chats I had with him and the advice he gave helped me a lot.
“I’m tired. Where am I sleeping?”
“I have a big bed. You can sleep with me.”
He looks at the door. He doesn’t trust I’ll still be here in the morning if he leaves me out here alone to sleep on the couch. I have no plans to run away again, but what if I wake up and the urge is too strong to control?
What if sleeping in his bed is a terrible idea?
“I won’t try anything. We’ll spend more time together and talk…a lot…before… I want you comfortable with me, baby.”
I like hearing him call me baby. I like it a lot.
“Josh, what happened at the club didn’t have anything to do with you. That was all me. Usually, it’s just sex or a blowjob that men want from me. I thought that’s why you took me there…”
“You have to do that to me right now when we’re going to bed? You have to talk about blowjobs and sex. I want you. I think we both know that, but I need you to be ready.”
When we get up from the couch at the same time, Josh pulls me to his side so he can put his arm around me to walk to the bedroom. Just inside, he turns, so we’re facing and cups my face with both hands. He puts his lips on mine and kisses gently. I stand on my tiptoes to wrap my arms around his shoulders so I can reach him better to return the kiss.
“Get ready for bed.” He smacks me lightly on the butt and pulls away. I grab one of his t-shirts off the dresser and take it to the bathroom with me. I love Josh’s clean, manly scent.
When I return to the bedroom, he’s already under the covers. The thought of lying next to him, skin to skin, sends a warm feeling through me. Something unfamiliar stirs inside me.
***
“What are our plans today?”
Something is pushing me to find Lindsey. I want to talk to her and warn her of the danger that’s waiting for her…waiting for me too, most likely. I’m sure Jayson is disappointed because I didn’t die in those woods.
“We’ll go see my brother at the tattoo shop, and then we need to get y
ou a phone. Sooner or later, we’ll not be able to spend every minute together. I want you to have a way to stay connected. It’s crucial until Jayson is found.”
Josh sits across from me at the kitchen table. I threw together a small breakfast for us this morning. I’ve never been too sure about what “normal” feels like, but I think this is close. I avoid thinking about what will happen when the day comes I don’t have him to rely on anymore. He’s become the other half of me, but he doesn’t know that.
Josh doesn’t know about all the possibilities that run through my mind. Is it possible we can grow into something permanent? It won’t happen if I keep pushing him away.
I’m still disappointed and embarrassed with how things turned out at The Grind. Everything is different without the drugs in my system. They don’t control me anymore, so I have to learn to have better control of things.
“You’re thinking awful hard this morning. Care to share?” He notices everything.
“I was just thinking…”
“I can see that, babe. What are you thinking about?”
Should I tell him I’m attracted to him? I feel something with him I’ve never felt with anyone. Perhaps tell him how his gentle kisses have me wanting more. I want much more of all the things I never had before I met him.
“Kennedy?”
Josh is pushing the empty plate away when I look across the table at him. His smoldering eyes are fixed on me. The look he gives me is so intense I fight to keep from looking away.
He gets up and walks around the table with his hand out to me. I lay my hand flat against his open palm and marvel at the size difference. My skin tingles from head to toe.
He pulls me up to stand with him. A wave of heat spreads through me. Is this it? Is this the kind of desire I hear people talking about?
I’ve never been drawn to anyone. Never been turned on physically by anyone. I am now. My whole body is sizzling. My nipples tighten and feel achy, but that doesn’t compare to the need growing even lower.
“Josh? Do you think we could…?”
He smirks and pulls me to him. My thin tank top and his t-shirt, don’t stop me from feeling needier when my tits press against his chest. He’s taller than me. He rubs his chin across my forehead, gentle, innocent. When I look up, he claims my lips with his. It’s far from harmless or gentle. He squeezes my ass with one palm and cups the back of my head with the other. I expect him to push me onto the table, but he has other plans.
