Love Me to Death

by Sharlay

  “Where are you going?” I say in disappointment.

  “To check my messages, some of us still have a business to run you know.”

  “Right now you are my business and there are a few places on that body I’d like to run these hands.” I wink.

  “That was so cheesy.”

  “I know but it made you smile.” She rolls her eyes.

  “Don’t you need to check your phone, your girlfriends will be missing you,” she teases as she walks into her room with me following closely behind.

  “I’m on vacation from them, there’s only one girlfriend I’m interested in right now,” I say pulling her back into my arms just as she picks up our two phones from the dresser where we left them after our no-phone policy rule.

  I kiss her on the mouth slowly and her tongue slides easily into mine. I enjoy the feel of her and my mind goes into overload with all the dirty things that I want to do to her right now. I pull away and try and gain some composure.

  She’s standing there smiling at me as she slides her phone up to her ear. “Were you dialing as I kissed you?” I ask with an amused grin. She nods. “You shouldn’t mix business and pleasure, babe.”

  “Hi, yes how are things going?” she asks the other person on the phone. She holds my phone in front of my face and I take it in frustration but that doesn’t stop my assault on her neck. I layer soft wet kisses up the length of her neck and she moans. She pushes away from me and gives a warning look before disappearing into another room to finish her call. Boring.

  I turn my phone on and wait until it has loaded up. I still try to listen to her conversation but she’s too far away. No doubt she’s in the dining room with the door closed. I’m surprised to see several calls, texts, and messages on my phone. There is a total of thirty-three missed calls, seven texts, and three voicemails. That’s strange.

  I go to the messages first and see several from Bobby and Jamie all asking me where I am and to call them right away. Jamie doesn’t message me. My stomach drops. I hit the voicemail button and lift it to my ear. The first voice that comes through the speaker is Bobby’s.

  “Bren, where are you? You need to call me right away, as soon as you get this.”

  My heart starts to race in my chest as I hit play on the next message. My body goes cold as I hear my dad’s voice come through the phone.

  “It’s just like you to be missing at a time like this. Some things never change.”

  My face contorts in anger at his words. My dad never calls me, let alone leaves me messages. And what the hell does a time like this mean? The final voice is Jamie’s and his words change everything.

  “Brennan, it’s Jamie. We’ve been trying to call you all day but no one can seem to reach you. I didn’t want to tell you this over the phone but I have no choice. Layla and the kids were in a car accident. We’re at Millway Hospital, 7th floor.”

  I freeze. I feel every bit of blood drain from my face. I hear the unwanted voice inside my head. Not again. Not again. This can’t happen. Ned walks into the room but not even the sight of her brings me out of this spell.

  I am numb.

  “I can’t believe that you tried to distrac—Cole? What’s the matter?”

  I can’t answer. In my head, I’m screaming a million things. Something’s wrong with Layla and the kids. Something’s wrong with the only family I have left. Something’s wrong with the only person who still believes in me. I can’t do this. I can’t do this again. I should have been here. I shouldn’t have been in Ohio.

  Nothing comes out.

  “Cole, what’s happened? You’re scaring me.”

  My eyes fall on her worried face.

  “It’s Layla … she’s … they’re in the hospital …”

  I hear her gasp. I watch as the shock fills her entire face and then I see it disappear in a matter of seconds. She takes control.

  “Which hospital, Cole?”

  “Millway,” I say in a whisper. I don’t move.

  “Ok, we’ve got to go. Come on, I’ll drive. We’ve got to go now, Cole.”

  I don’t move until her hand slips inside of mine. I don’t remember the journey to the parking garage. I’m not sure if we passed Jameson on the way or went through the back entrance. I have no idea whether it was Ned that put on my seatbelt or me. I’m not sure whether my face is wet with tears or sweat. All I remember is that Ned’s hand never left mine the entire journey. It was my lifeline. The feel of her pulse underneath my fingers was the only thing that I focused on the entire journey.

  “Cole,” she whispers.

  I turn my head to face her.

  “We’re here, come on.”

  I obey. I step out of the car like a zombie. I briefly remember her asking which floor before dragging me in the right direction.

  Boom boom boom boom. Every beat in my chest feels so relevant now that I’m here. It’s what I’m focused on. It’s amazing how important life becomes when you are faced with death.

  “Where the hell have you been?” I hear as soon as we make our way onto the floor. My head shoots up and I see Bobby looking at me in disbelief. His angry expression changes to understanding as his eyes fall on mine.

  “Where are they?” I ask flatly.

  “The kids are ok, they are at home with Jamie’s mom. Layla …”

  “What?” I ask in terror.

  “She’s in surgery,” he whispers.

  “What happened?” I ask to the air. I ask God. I ask anyone who will listen.

  “A car hit them, sent their car spiraling into the air. Alex and Sophie were lucky, they came out with just a few scratches but Layla … she was unconscious when they finally got her out. They took her straight into surgery.”

  “This happened today?” I ask. He nods. I should have been here. I feel Ned’s hand in mine but I pull away. I can’t deal with her anymore. I can’t deal with anyone I care about being so close to me right now. Not when I know how easily I can lose them. I see the sadness in her eyes but I don’t have time to worry about Ned right now.

  “Where’s Jamie?” I ask.

  “He’s in the waiting area … with your father. I said I would wait out here in case you showed up.”

  “Take me,” I command.

  He nods before leading the way.

  I hate the smell of hospitals. They smell like sickness and death. Every corridor is like a passageway to your own private hell. Every corner is filled with the whispers of death and incurable diseases. I want out of here but I need to see Layla. We take a right turn to a room with a double yellow door. There is a glass panel in both doors and I can see my father and Jamie clearly. Jamie is sitting down with his head in his hands while my father is pacing up and down. Always fidgeting. He never could keep still. He looks so old and tired. He never used to but death ages people I guess. His hands keep sliding through his gray hair and his brown eyes look dark and void of any emotion. He continues pacing, no doubt counting the minutes till he can light up his next cigarette.

  Bobby pushes the doors open and the three of us step inside. Two sets of eyes fall on us. One relieved set and one filled with hate. Before I even get a chance to utter a word my father has already stormed toward me. He punches me straight in the face without so much as an explanation. This is why I left California.

  “You selfish little prick!” he screams before pulling his fist back to hit me again. Bobby and Jamie are pulling us apart before I can even blink. Ned is staring in shock and I’m so mad that she has to see this part of my life. “So where were you? Off screwing your little whore while your sister nearly died!” he says looking at Ned.

  “Don’t talk about her,” I warn him, keeping my eyes off Ned.

  “I think everyone needs to just calm down,” Jamie says in the diplomatic voice that seems to follow him into every situation.

  “Calm down? Are you aware that he was off enjoying life as your wife and kids’ lives were at stake?” My father asks Jamie.

  “Charlie, this isn
’t Brennan’s fault,” Jamie says slightly annoyed. That’s a new emotion for him.

  “Really, because last time I checked trouble followed him everywhere that he went!”

  “That’s right Charlie because somehow everything just has to be my fault, doesn’t it!” I growl.

  “Yes because guess where Layla was going when she got into the accident? Guess …” He taunts. I feel sick. My eyes find Bobby’s and then Jamie’s and my stomach drops again. “She was on her way to see you! And if you’d have just taken a minute out of your selfish little life to tell her where you were then she would have never been on her way to your apartment and none of this would be happening!”

  “Is that true?” I ask Jamie. He averts his eyes. I look over at Bobby and he looks at me sympathetically. My eyes flit back to Jamie’s and guilt washes over me.

  “It’s not your fault, Brennan. Charlie, please stop. Layla wouldn’t want this.” Jamie’s voice is shaky.

  “No, she wouldn’t want this! She wouldn’t want to be lying in a hospital bed on an operating table and she sure as hell isn’t going to want to hear that she’s lost her baby when she wakes up!”

  “She lost it,” I whisper as I feel my eyes burning.

  “Yes she lost it Brennan and that’s on you.” He points his finger at me angrily. “But I don’t know what on earth I expect from you when you’re just like your mother,” he says the word mother as if it’s laced with venom. I lose it.

  “Don’t you ever say her name!” I lunge at him. Bobby can’t hold me back and Jamie goes flying somewhere across the room. I pin my dad up against the wall and stare straight into his eyes. “You’re not worthy to utter her name. All she ever did was love you and you’ve done nothing but make her out to be a monster.”

  “Because she is! You want to paint her to be some angel but when it all comes down to it it’s just a lie. She wanted what she wanted and she went after it. She didn’t care who she hurt in the process.”

  “That’s not true,” I grunt.

  “It is! It is true! Your mother was a selfish woman who died without a care for the family she was leaving behind. It’s me that was left alone! Me! I kept the roof over your head and fed you, and what did you do? You threw it all away to chase some pathetic dream in New York because she told you to never give up. Well, we can see where her plans got you. Just look at where we are now. Poor Layla, huh. I wonder if she’ll even be able to look at you when she finds out that her baby’s dead.”

  I scream and then I shake him hard against the wall. I shake him until he becomes a blur.

  “Shut up! Shut up! Shut Up!” My heart is pounding in my chest and my grip on my father’s shirt is loosening. I feel myself falling to my knees and I do nothing to stop myself. I’m a crumpled mess on the floor. I hold my head in my hands and squeeze tight trying to extract every dirty word he just said but I can’t get rid of them. They just swim around my mind like liquid filling every available gap.

  This is your fault …

  Her baby is dead because of you …

  You caused this …

  You’re selfish …

  The voices won’t stop and neither will the tears. I’m kneeling down on the hospital floor, screaming and crying into my hands in front of Ned and I am mad. I want to hit my dad so bad yet I want him to accept me even more. I want him to love me and I hate that he has that control over me. I hate that I can still love a monster. I want him to see the good in me that Layla sees but he never does. Every encounter I have with him gets worse. It’s as if he was designed to destroy me.

  I feel a light touch on my shoulder. I know it’s Ned, I’d know her touch anywhere.

  “Cole,” she whispers softly. Every sound fades out and all I can hear is her voice. “Come on. Stand up.” I obey. I stand to my feet and keep my head ducked, too ashamed to look around at all of the judgmental faces. I can’t deal with it right now. I briefly hear Ned ask Bobby to let her know when Layla wakes up and then we go. We don’t speak on our way to the car and not on the journey home either. We don’t speak as she leads me upstairs to my apartment. I remember giving her the key and her opening the door but that’s it. I’m stripped down to my underwear and lying on my bed. None of which I can actually remember doing myself. Ned is standing at the door staring at me before slowly closing my bedroom door.

  “Wait.” It’s the first thing I’ve said since we left the hospital. “Don’t leave me,” I whisper. I see the hesitation in her eyes but whatever inner battle she was having is dismissed as she walks over to me. She sits on the side of the bed and I turn my body to face her. I reach up and pull her down next to me. My hands trace the contours of her body and I can’t get over how beautiful she is. But right now that’s not what I need. I don’t need her beauty or any feelings. I just need to forget. I need her to make me forget every single word that was said tonight. Every bruised heart and shattered soul.

  My hand finds the hem of her tank top and I slowly start to lift until it is over her head. I throw it, not caring where it ends up. My hands slide around to her back and in two easy moves, I undo her bra clasp.

  “Cole,” she whispers questioningly.

  I shake my head at her. “Please, I need this. Don’t stop me.” I wait for her approval and when I get it, I drag the material from her body discarding it immediately. I pop the top button of her jeans and pull the zipper down slowly. I watch my every movement but I won’t look into her eyes. If I look then I’ll know that what I’m doing is wrong. I’ll know that I’m everything my father said I was … Selfish. I sit up and pull the jeans down past her thighs, slowly removing them from each ankle. I throw them on the floor before letting my hands glide across the smooth surface of her skin. For once I take no time to admire her panties and instead rip them off her in one fluid swipe. I still feel the tears teasing the rims of my eyes and I hear my father’s angry voice but I push them deep into the dark hole I am trying to create inside my head. I move faster.

  I stand up from the bed and stare lustfully at her body, never allowing my eyes to look at her face. I’m not ready to see what she thinks of me right now. I slip my boxers down my thighs and kick them away from me. I return to the bed and hover over her. I can’t even say her name. I part her thighs with my leg and position myself between them. Holding myself in place I plunge into her deep and quick. I don’t even think about protection.

  I let my face fall into the dip of her neck, never once looking up as I push into her over and over again. With each thrust I expect to feel better, to hear my father’s words disappearing like they usually do when I use a woman’s body to drown out his voice. Only, this time, it doesn’t work. I thrust faster and harder not even thinking about her pleasure. I have to drown the sound of his voice out. I hate myself. I know that I’m making a mistake but maybe my dad is right. What if I am selfish? What if I’m destined to hurt people for the rest of my life? Then wouldn’t it be better to let her go now before I hurt her? I ask this question repeatedly as I push in and out of her over and over again. And each time I get back the same answer. It’s too late. She’s already hurting.

  As I find my release I fall completely still. I don’t move a muscle and instead, I just listen to the sound of our breathing in the cold night air. The voices are still there and so is the guilt. Please don’t hate me. I feel sick. I feel dirty. I cry into the dip of her neck. I can’t breathe.

  “Ned, I’m so sorry,” I whisper through my tears. She doesn’t reply. “Ned,” I say when she doesn’t answer. I lift my head and see tears running down her cheeks. I try to wipe them away with the pads of my thumbs but my hands are shaking. I hate myself. I can’t look at her but at the same time, I can’t help but look at her. I caused the pain on her face. “Ned, I didn’t mean—”

  “To use me,” she interjects coldly. I say nothing. “Too late,” she says in a tone I’ve never heard from her before. “I need to go.”

  “Ned, please,” I plead in a whisper.

  “Please,�
� she pauses, “I need you to let me go.” Her voice breaks at the end. I’m a monster.

  I don’t argue. I roll off of her and watch as she puts her clothes back on. I feel sick. I can’t make this right.

  She walks from the room and heads out the door. I jump to my feet and follow her.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper as she opens my apartment door.

  She turns to look at me and I hate the pain in her eyes. “Me too,” she says and then she is gone. And for the first time in my life, I start to accept everything that my dad has ever said about me. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be …

  I am a jerk. That’s the first thing I tell myself when I wake up. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t. How could I ever think that treating Ned like I’ve treated every other girl was going to make me feel better? It made everything a hundred times worse. I even feel guilty about the way I’ve treated every other girl before her. I couldn’t even look at her last night. The idea of seeing the pain that I caused painted across her face as I used her makes me feel sick.

  My dad always has a way of screwing things up in my mind. I moved thousands of miles, to a new state just to get away from him and still he comes here for one day and makes me feel like the crap on the bottom of his shoe. I don’t know why he hates my mom so much but hearing him say anything bad about her drives me crazy. I wanted to kill him last night. My mom was the best damn wife he could have asked for but he refuses to even acknowledge one good thing about her. I don’t want to end up like him.

  He’s managed to push everything and everyone away from him in the past six years. He’s become a recluse and I know that he’s lonely. He says that I’m just like my mom but the truth is I’m just like him. I watched the death of my mom turn a good man into a monster. So I’ve spent years keeping my distance from every woman that crosses my path. Preventing myself from turning into a monster too. I’ve never allowed myself to have even a string of an emotional attachment. Until Ned. But now I’ve pushed her away too.