Love Me to Death

by Sharlay

  Bang. Bang. Bang. I hear the sound of my door and jump to my feet. Could she forgive me? Would she come back? I rush to the door and swing it open hopefully. I let out a frustrated sigh as I see Bobby standing there looking at me cautiously.

  “Hey,” he says.

  “Come in.”

  “You ok?” he mumbles as we walk into my living room.

  “Define ok?”

  “Your dad was out of line yesterday. Nothing he said was true. You know that, right?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means I’ve screwed up everything so I don’t give a rat’s ass what he thinks of me anymore.”

  “Does this have something to do with Ned?”

  I laugh humorlessly. I stand to my feet and head to the kitchen. I grab two beers from the fridge. I offer Bobby one but he shakes his head in disapproval.

  “A little early isn’t it?”

  “Nope, perfect timing,” I say before pulling the lid off with my teeth and taking a long swig. “She’s gone.”

  “Who?” He looks perplexed.

  “Ned, I messed up.”

  “I’m sure you guys can work it out.”

  I shake my head. “Nope, I treated her like every other girl. It’s done. She walked away.” I allow the words to sink in before taking another sip of my beer.

  “You really like her, don’t you?”

  “I guess. Not that it matters anymore. Besides, Layla’s my main concern. Worrying about Ned’s feelings isn’t really an option right now.”

  He watches me for a moment as if deciding whether or not to say the next thing on his mind. He gives his head a little shake.

  “You’re right, that’s why I’m here. Go get dressed and let’s go and see what’s happening.”

  I nod my head and drink the last of my beer. I walk in a daze to my room. It takes no more than five minutes for me to throw the clothes I was wearing yesterday back on.

  “Ready?” Bobby asks as I walk back to the living room.

  “Ready.”

  “Good, let’s go.”

  Neither of us speaks along the way. I’m lost in my thoughts when Bobby finally breaks the silence. “Bren, your dad might still be there,” he warns.

  “I’m not in the mood for trouble so it’s his lucky day,” I say with a fake smile.

  I know Bobby can see through my act but he doesn’t call me out on it. Walking into the hospital feels like a reminder of everything that I screwed up last night. We go down the same corridors and walk through the same double yellow doors that lead to the waiting room — as we were instructed to by one of the nurses.

  Only, this time, my breath gets caught in my chest as I walk into the room. Ned. She’s here. She’s sitting right next to Jamie. Her caramel eyes are locked on mine as I walk through the door and I can’t look anywhere but at her. My heart is beating violently in my chest and I only realize that I have been holding my breath all morning when I suddenly let it out at just the sight of her.

  She rises from her seat and walks toward me. She doesn’t speak but her arms encase me and for the first time in six years I feel complete. I can breathe. Just in case, this is nothing but a dream I pull her closer. My nose inhales the sweet smell of strawberries and cream. And if my best friend and brother-in-law weren’t here, I’d make love to her right here just to make up for the crap I gave her last night. To show her what she really deserves.

  She pulls away quickly and I instantly feel cold. How has this girl suddenly become my heat?

  “You ok?” she whispers.

  I nod. “Ned, I’m—”

  She shakes her head. “Not now.” I nod in understanding. I look over her shoulder at Jamie. He looks tired. His hair is disheveled, he is wearing the same clothes as last night and his eyes are red. I walk over to him and he stands instantly. I see the tears in his eyes. I wrap my arms around him.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

  He stands back and looks at me with a serious look on his face. “I know that he’s your father but what he said last night was wrong. This is not your fault,” he says firmly.

  I want to disagree and tell him that the truth is that Layla wouldn’t have driven to my apartment if she knew I was in Ohio but I know that nothing can change his mind. I look into his eyes and see the same hope that my mom and Layla have in me.

  “Thank you,” I whisper. “How is she?”

  “Stable. She still hasn’t woken up yet so it’s just a matter of waiting. She took a bad hit to the head. They say that her brain activity looks normal but nothing is certain until she wakes up.”

  “Alex and Sophie, are they ok?”

  “Yes, they are with my parents, they just miss their mom,” he says sadly.

  “The baby …” It’s not a question just an acknowledgment that a piece of us all has gone.

  “They did everything they could during the surgery but they couldn’t save them both. I would have done anything to keep Layla alive.” Tears are forming in his eyes. “Does that make me a bad person, the fact that I would rather lose my unborn baby than my wife?” He looks desperate. I search for the words but they are stuck in my throat.

  “No, it makes you human. You love her. That’s not a crime,” Ned says softly as she rests a hand on Jamie’s shoulder.

  He just nods weakly.

  “I need to go for a walk,” I say looking at Ned. She nods.

  “Will you stay with Jamie?” Ned asks Bobby.

  “Of course.” He smiles at her. “I’ll let you know if she wakes up.”

  “Thanks,” I say before taking Ned’s hand in mine.

  We walk out of the waiting area in silence. We walk down several corridors before I finally speak.

  “Ned about last night, I’m sorry. I know I hurt you. I was a jerk … I just … I don’t know what I was thinking. I screwed up. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

  “Cole, stop. Right now you need to be thinking about Layla.” Her voice is calm. Too calm. “This isn’t about us. That can wait.”

  I stop walking. “What does that mean?”

  “It means that it’s not what’s important.”

  “Of course, it’s important.” I lower my voice as a nurse walks by. “I hate myself for what I did last night. If I could take it back I would. I’m just glad you’re here.”

  She takes a deep breath and her hand slips free of mine.

  “Cole, we have a deal and we have roles to play. You’ll never know what it meant to have you with me in Ohio this weekend. I can never repay you for what you did for my mother. Never. But right now this isn’t about you and me. I am here because I am trying to return the favor. Being a friend.” Friend. “Let’s just wait until Layla is awake and then we can go back to how our lives were before. It’ll be easier to explain everything to your family and friends when all of this is over.”

  “What do you mean go back to the way things were?”

  “Living our separate lives.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I’m mad. “So let me get this right, you are here to play a role?” I ask angrily.

  “I’m here as a friend.”

  “I don’t need a damn friend, that’s what Bobby’s here for. You’re not just my friend, Ned, this is ridiculous.”

  “I never wanted this,” she says looking away from me.

  “What?”

  “This,” she says gesturing between us. “Us. These feelings. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

  “But it did.”

  “It shouldn’t have. Last night you broke my heart, Cole. You used me like all of the other girls you’ve slept with and it hurt.”

  “I know and I am so sorry, baby,” I say taking her face in my hands. “I am so sorry,” I whisper to her. Her eyes are filled with sadness as she looks into mine.

  “That’s just it, Cole, you shouldn’t have to be sorry. This wasn’t what we agreed. This wasn’t suppos
ed to happen. I shouldn’t feel anything for you. It shouldn’t hurt this much.”

  “But it does. I want you to feel hurt because then it means that you feel something too. If you felt nothing then it wouldn’t hurt.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Exactly what?” I ask exasperated.

  “I’m dying!” She stops for a moment as she tries to hide the tears falling down her face. “Gosh,” she blows out a breath. “I’m dying, Cole. You think last night was painful? You think that seeing me walk away was hard? Do you believe that waiting for Layla to wake up is painful? What about when there’s no hope? What about when you’re just counting down the days until this — whatever it is — is over?”

  “I don’t care,” I whisper.

  “You will. I watched you break down last night. You fell to your knees and cried. I hated your father for breaking you down like that. I won’t do that. I won’t be responsible for destroying you, Cole. Not when I have the power to prevent it.”

  “But I need you.”

  “No, you don’t. You don’t need me at all.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that after today, after Layla wakes up that’s it. I’m gone. You go back to your life and I go back to mine. I should have never been stupid enough to think this could work.”

  “I can’t lose you,” I say softly.

  “You never had me.” The words rip me apart inside. I want to hate her so much for every single word but I don’t. I can’t. There was no life before her because I never truly started living until she came along. I was just pretending to live. Pretending to chase my dreams, make my mom proud, but deep inside I was crumbling. I was doing everything to prove my dad wrong no matter what the cost was. I was drinking to forget the days. And sleeping with any woman I could to forget the truth. My whole life was a facade. I was a fake. I could have done so much more by now but instead, I am just surviving. Acting a role. Until I took on a real role and found the real me. Until I found Ned.

  “I’m very sorry but you cannot be here. You are blocking a fire exit.” The voice comes from a short lady with blonde hair. She is wearing a blue top and navy-colored pants.

  “Sorry,” I mumble.

  We walk silently toward the waiting area. As soon as we arrive Bobby is speed walking toward us.

  “She’s awake! She’s awake!” He beams.

  My conversation with Ned is momentarily put on hold.

  “What? I need to see her,” I say rushing past him — to where, I don’t know.

  “Jamie’s in there at the moment, the nurse said that no more than two people at a time can go in.” His eyes glance guiltily back at Ned. “It’s family only.”

  I look at her too.

  “It’s ok; I have some work to catch up on. I’ve been here for a while anyway, I’m sure Brennan will fill me in later.” She called me Brennan. It’s final. That was her goodbye. I look into her eyes before nodding in understanding. She mouths goodbye before slowly turning around and disappearing into the distance. I can’t stop watching her.

  “Go on, she has a private room. It’s on the left, door 42D.” I nod.

  “Thanks.” I try to push away all thoughts of Ned as I head toward Layla. When I step inside the room my stomach drops. She is hooked up to more tubes than I care to count. A black ring circles her left eye and she is covered in bruises.

  “Hey,” she says quietly as I walk through the door. I stay there afraid to come any closer. “Come here,” she whispers.

  “I’m just going to wait outside, give you guys some time alone. I’ll be back soon. Love you,” Jamie says before kissing her on the forehead. She winces slightly at the pain. He either doesn’t notice or he needed the contact so badly that he ignored it. He pats me on the arm and smiles before leaving the room.

  “Why are you standing all the way over there, do I really look that bad?” She chuckles.

  “No, you look beautiful.”

  “You are a terrible liar.” She giggles and my stomach fills with warmth. I could have lost her.

  “How do you feel?” I ask as I take the seat right next to her bed.

  “Like I just had surgery,” she teases.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Shut up, Bren. It would take a real idiot to think this is their fault. You weren’t even in the same state according to Jamie.”

  “But if I had been—”

  “Then I would have still ended up here. You can’t control life, Bren. You should know that by now. The big guy upstairs makes all the decisions — sometimes they make sense and sometimes they don’t. But like Mom used to say we don’t complain when he makes good ones so quit whining when he makes any that we don’t understand. Everything has a purpose; you just have to be patient enough to figure it out.” I laugh, remembering the many times she used to say that. Gosh, I miss you, Mom.

  “Lay, I’m sorry about the baby,” I whisper seriously.

  “No, no more saying sorry ok? Jamie did enough of that and it’s driving me crazy. I want to forget my reality right now, Bren.”

  “Ok.”

  “So what happened when I went all ‘sleeping beauty’ on you?” She smiles.

  “You sure you want to know?” I ask with raised eyebrows.

  “Bro, I’m lying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out from every angle of my body. I look like a damn science experiment gone wrong, anything has got to be better than this.” I nod in agreement.

  “Well, I went to Ohio to meet Ned’s parents.”

  “Wow, then what’s up with the sad face?”

  “I screwed up.”

  “You didn’t set her folks on fire did you?”

  “No,” I chuckle. “But I did hurt her.”

  “How?” I look into my sister’s eyes and I know I can trust her more than anything.

  “Ned and I aren’t really a couple.”

  She laughs.

  “You think I didn’t already know that?”

  “How?”

  “Bren, I’ve known you my entire life. You were not just going to turn into the perfect boyfriend overnight. You were kicking some girl out of your bed when you called me the other day then a couple of days later you were acting like you were in love with another. I wasn’t being pumped with morphine back then so give me some credit, will you?”

  “You didn’t say anything.”

  “Nope. It may not have been a real relationship but the feelings were real, that much was obvious. I wanted to see what would happen. If you’d finally stop being an idiot and realize that life is about more than sleeping with every girl in New York. You really care about her, don’t you?”

  I nod.

  “Then what’s the matter?”

  I take a deep breath.

  “She’s dying.” Shock covers her face and she looks sad.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It doesn’t matter, though, I still want her and that’s what she doesn’t get. At first, it just started as a job. She paid me to pretend to be her boyfriend so that her mother could have her final wish of seeing her daughter fall in love. Then I started to spend time with her, I started to actually like her.”

  “What went wrong?”

  “She thinks that it would be selfish to allow anyone to have feelings for her. She doesn’t want to hurt me but it’s not her choice. Last night I screwed up, I had a huge fight with dad and I tried to use sex to forget — like I always have. It’s what I’ve always done but it was wrong. It felt dirty and I hurt her. Now she’s done. She came here today to help me out but that’s it, she’s done after that.”

  “Men are so dumb.” She laughs.

  “What?” Was she even listening to a word I just said?

  “Bren, do you really think she came here to just support you? You aren’t paying her, she owes you nothing. When a woman is through with you, she doesn’t come back for a final goodbye. My gosh, you need to watch more rom-com movies, Bro — I’m bringing some over as soon as I’m out of this plac
e. She is crazy about you and you need to fight for her.”

  “But she said it’s not what she wants. She thinks that she’s being selfish.”

  “We women have a ridiculous habit of thinking about everyone but ourselves. We naturally put others first. Anytime we stop and do something for ourselves we suddenly feel like we are being selfish because we are constantly doing things for others. It’s just a habit. She doesn’t know what the hell she wants and that’s why you’ve got to be the one to show her.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes! Before it’s too late! Gosh, I never thought there was a girl that could actually make my brother admit that he had feelings, damn I’ll run after her for you if you detach some of these tubes for me!” She winces in pain but covers it with a smile.

  “Probably not a good idea,” I grin.

  “No? Then get off that stupid ass of yours and go and find your Cinderella before that Jackson dude beats you to it.” My mind growls at the sound of his name.

  “What do I say?”

  “Anything. Everything. Speak from the heart. Remember what Mom used to say?”

  “There’s no clearer language than the one spoken directly from the heart,” I repeat our mother’s words.

  “Exactly.”

  “Thanks, Lay,” I smile at her.

  “Thank me, later. Now go get your woman!”

  I smile. A huge smile. I lean down and kiss her gently on the forehead.

  “And, Bren?” she says just as I open the door.

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you more,” I repeat the words my mom always said to us growing up. Then I leave the hospital determined to get Ned back.

  “So all this time she has been paying you to be her boyfriend?” Bobby asks for the second time.

  “Yes.”

  “I thought my life was weird but that is messed up.”

  I laugh.

  “What is messed up is that you’re doing ten miles an hour. Please, for the love of mankind put your foot down on the gas.”

  “I’m driving at the speed limit.”

  “No, dude the speed limit left you about ten miles ago. I can’t believe that you actually passed your driving test.”