Reluctant Wife

by Lindsay Armstrong

  ‘… Yes.’

  Adam, was still lying back, with a sort of lazy, twisted grace as if he was reluctant to move, and she was amazed and saddened by the clamouring impulse she felt to lie back in his arms and do what she had not had the courage to do before, but how? she asked herself. If there’s a way I don’t seem to know it.

  He rolled off the bed and stood up, interrupting her curious thoughts; ‘Don’t be long,’ he said, and rumpled her already rumpled hair with casual affection.

  ‘No.’

  The door closed on his tall figure, but she stared at it for moments with an odd kind of concentration and found herself thinking—whether she’s a gorgeous geisha or whoever she is, one day I’ll give you back as good as I got, Adam Milroy … oh God, what am I thinking?

  She lay back and tried to laugh at her curious obsession with geisha girls, because it was much more likely—yes, that’s it, she told herself. I’ve got this horrible feeling, it wasn’t just something temporary for him. I’ve got this feeling he’s fallen in love with someone, although he didn’t believe it could happen to him. As I fell in love with him and didn’t believe it could happen to me. But it doesn’t make sense … Unless she’s not suitable to marry—perhaps she’s already married? Or, he is as man of his word … Did they discuss it, perhaps, and did he say to her—Roz has so many problems as it is, I can’t desert her, but anyway, I gave her my word?

  She closed her eyes on hot tears of despair, then took a breath and whispered. ‘Stop it, Roz! You’re letting your imagination run wild, and all because, he can do without sleeping with you for the time being, which you really only have yourself to blame for. Nor can you blame him for not understanding that your feelings have quite suddenly … gone into reverse! But all the same, if it has happened, who could it be? I wonder … no, surely not … Louise? But then at the back of my mind I’ve always wondered about that, haven’t I? If he convinced himself, when she left him, that he didn’t love her, but it just wasn’t true. Maybe they’ve met again …?

  She was lost in thought when there came the sound of another car in the driveway, but this time a glance out of the window revealed her elegant sister-in-laws Lucia Whatney climbing out of her silver Alfa-Romeo with an unusually militant expression even for her on her face.

  Roz grimaced and reflected that if Lucia hadn’t known before, and hadn’t spoken to Nicky on the phone yesterday, she certainly knew now. She turned away to get dressed hurriedly, into a cream and yellow sundress. this time with matching, yellow sandals, and as she put her hair up, she came to a decision.

  She would do exactly as Adam wanted from now on. She would try to relax, be a friend rather than a wife, and try to banish all the hurtful speculation whirling around in her mind. After all, she thought suddenly, I may have had some mistaken ideas about this marriage and about myself, but I can still remember the pain Mrs Howard was experiencing, although she tried so hard to cover it up, and she was so … good about her husband being attracted to me. Yet here I am putting myself through something similar.

  ‘Anyway, I’m not achieving anything,’ she whispered, ‘beyond getting myself in an awful tangle.’ She stood poised to leave the room and join the fray. And she stared at the bed and wondered bleakly if she’d missed the whole point.

  The den was quiet and empty, but Roz soon realised why—it was too small to accommodate all the combatants. For Margaret had a brought both Richard and Amy with her and Lucia must have had Flavia and Angelo with her in the car. Anyway, they were all in the lounge with Adam and Milly, and for the moment no one noticed Roz enter quietly, so she was able to take stock.

  Flavia was crying into a very small white handkerchief that was mostly, lace, Richard was as white as sheet and Margaret was almost as pale, but her eyes were angry instead of stunned; Lucia was in full spate and reminded Roz of Boadicea out to conquer the Romans as she raised one arm as she spoke, and Amy was starting to look tearful, while Angelo was obviously amused. Adam had his back to Roz and Milly was staring out expressionlessly over the garden.

  Then Lucia paused for breath, Angelo realised Roz was there and called a greeting, whereupon everyone said Hello, Roz, with varying degrees of interest and it was on again.

  ‘As I was saying,’ Lucia said forcefully, ‘I would have expected more from you, Richard …’

  ‘What exactly have you got against Richard?’ Margaret interrupted. ‘don’t you just come out and say that he’s not good enough for Nicky, Lucia?’

  ‘No, no, Lucia does not mean that, Margaret,’ Flavia cried ‘It is not a question of that at all …’

  But Margaret continued. relentlessly as if Flavia had not spoken, ‘I happen to hold a different view, Lucia. It so happens I don’t think Nicky’s good enough for Richard. ‘I mean this, what she’s done, demonstrates that perfectly. She’s an immature, spoilt child …’

  ‘She is only a baby,’ Flavia agreed.

  ‘And I would say … Lucia’s eyes flashed, but Roz willed herself not to listen and wondered why Adam didn’t stop it. He had turned briefly and smiled at her, then turned away again, and now as she watched his back, it struck her that he was standing very still almost as if he was waiting for something … Not for them to come to blows, she thought with horror, surely not?

  It was Richard who stopped it. He said suddenly, ‘Mother, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t speak for me as if I wasn’t here. As for you, Aunt Lucia, I’ve behaved with the utmost propriety towards Nicky. Now I don’t know what you use as a yardstick for eligibility, but I should have thought, the one thing that would make me ineligible would have been that I’d taken advantage of her. I haven’t done that—although I could have.

  He stopped and waited with a look of cold politeness, but for once Lucia was without words.

  He turned to Adam. ‘If I’ve made one mistake. it was to try to hide it from you, Adam. But Nicky was so sure this would happen …However, I rang her up yesterday and told her that we couldn’t go on like this any longer, that we would have to come out into the open. l also told her that your were unlikely to lock her up in a convent or send me off to fight a war, but if the family didn’t approve then I would feel honour bound to wait until she was twenty-one before we married—which I’d already told her, incidentally. But I didn’t know she had this in mind, because if I had, I wouldn’t have allowed her to do it.

  I …’ he hesitated for the first time, ‘I do know she’s very young and is often impetuous and it will cause us problems from time to time, but I love her for it … that’s Nicky,’ he finished.

  Roz waited with bated breath, and so must everyone have been, because you could have heard a pin drop. Then she saw Adam’s shoulders relax and knew immediately that he had been waiting for Richard to prove himself one way or the other.

  He spoke at last. ‘Richard, Roz has made a suggestion. which I have to admit I was in two minds about until—about two minutes ago; Now it has my unqualified support. I see no reason why you and Nicky shouldn’t become formally engaged,’ Lucia and Margaret both gasped, but he ignored them, ‘and if you’re still both of the same mind in twelve months’ time we can discuss marriages. In the meantime thank you for taking such good care of her, I’m sure it means as lot to all of us.’ And he moved forward to shake Richard’s hand .

  Roz couldn’t see Adam’s expression, but she saw Richard’s and had: to swallow a lump in her throat.

  Then, while Margaret and Lucia were still too floored to speak, while Amy stared at Adam with her mouth open and Angelo with a glint of speculation in his eyes, Flavia created a diversion. She put away her handkerchief and advanced upon Richard, stood on tiptoe and kissed him warmly. ‘I didn’t believe young men like you existed any more,’ she said then with a twinkle in her eyes. ‘So proper, so right-minded, so brave! But most importantly I think you understand Nicky, which is a very good thing. You Have my blessing too!’

  ‘Th-thank you,’ said Richard, suddenly looking rather young and bewildered. ‘Thank
you very much …’

  ‘But it’s not me you should be thanking,’ Flavia interposed. ‘Nor Adam, for that matter. It is Roz, because she had the wisdom to work it all out before any of us!

  ‘Oh!’ Roz said faintly, but Richard came over to her and hugged her, which gave her a warm feeling, especially as Adam didn’t seem to mind, but she did wonder how Margaret would take it.

  But it seemed Richard not only had a way with Nicky, because he crossed the carpet swiftly towards his mother then and said, ‘Mum, don’t be angry. You told me once, it was the last thing you could make to work to order, falling in love.’

  Margaret’s eyes softened. ‘So I did,’ she said, and wiped away a tear. ‘Actually I feel … proud of you, and,’ she turned to Roz, ‘thank you for having faith in Richard. Not that I didn’t, but,’ she shrugged, ‘you were unbiased.’

  Roz caught her breath and glanced at Adam, but he said, ‘It has to help,’ and winked at her. Then he said, ‘Well, shall we bend our minds to getting her back now?’

  Everyone agreed except Lucia, who was looking venomously at Roz. Roz blinked and wondered why she particularly should be on the receiving end of Lucia’s ire, but Milly broke the moment by saying, ‘Er … I don’t think we have to do that—bend our minds, I mean.’

  Lucia transferred her green gaze to Milly and said irritably, ‘Why ever not?”

  But Milly merely gestured at the window and they all turned to see Nicky trudging wearily up the drive.

  ‘My God!’ breathed Adam through his teeth, but Roz put out a hand and everyone else appeared to be numbed for a moment, then there was a general exodus to the front veranda to form a reception committee, although no one said a word.

  Nicky stopped just below the veranda and looked up miserably.

  It was Richard who took command once again. He moved forward and said sternly, ‘If you ever do that again, Nicky, I’ll never have anything more to do with You, I swear!’

  Nicky’s face crumpled like a flower. ‘I won’t, I won’t,’ she wept. ‘Oh, it was so awful! My car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I had to get a lift in a lorry with no springs, which made me sick, and on top of it the driver tried to make pass at me. I really thought I was independent enough to cope, but when you’re feeling like throwing up on top of everything else, it’s just … Richard, don’t be angry. I only did it because I love you, but you’re right, we should have just come out … have we?’ she asked dazedly from the shelter of his arms now as if suddenly comprehending why almost her whole family was standing there, not to mention Richard’s.

  Adam said, ‘Yes, Nicky, and you can thank your lucky stars, it’s Richard who has to deal with you, not me, because I might have been tempted to put you over my knee and spank you. However, I’ll let Richard fill you in on the details and the rest of us will—oh hell, it’s only half past nine in the morning! was going to suggest a drink, but …’

  ‘What about a champagne breakfast?‘ suggest Milly. ‘I could rustle one up in no time.’

  ‘Milly, you’re a genius,’ said Adam with his lips quirking.

  Several hours later Milly and Adam and Roz. waved everyone goodbye.

  The champagne breakfast had passed off well. Nicky had been absolutely radiant and Flavia, although still emotional, in a different vein altogether, which caused her to remark frequently on the sweetness of young love. Lucia had pinched her lips together, however, at every mention of it.

  As for Margaret, she had taken Roz aside and confided that she only wanted Richard to be happy. But she had added as an afterthought that she wouldn’t be surprised if Nicky found twelve months a lifetime to have to wait once she’d come down to earth.

  While Angelo had approached Adam with his third glass of champagne in his hand and said, ‘Seeing you don’t object to young marriages any more, dear brother …’

  But Adam had interrupted him with a grin. ‘Don’t push your luck, mate! I still believe in judging each case on its merits.’

  To which Angelo had replied gravely. ‘I see. Ah well, perhaps I ought to start lobbying Roz in the meantime.’

  Fortunately Amy had claimed Adam by then, but Lucia had overheard Angelo’s last remark and directed a positively poisonous look at Roz this time.‘

  Roz had thought, oh … so that’s it. She thinks I’m exerting too much influence. If only she knew!

  But now they were waving everyone off—Nicky was going to spend the rest of the holiday with her mother—and as both. cars disappeared out of the tall gates, Milly disappeared inside and Adam exclaimed, ‘Thank God they’ve all gone! I’m exhausted!’

  Roz smiled. ‘Why don’t you go back to bed?’

  ‘No I have to go into the office for a few hours.‘

  ‘Couldn’t someone come down here?’ she suggested.

  He, shrugged. ‘l guess they could, but I doubt if I’d sleep anyway. I won’t be away all day. Will you …?’ He looked at her questioningly.

  ‘I’ll be fine!’ she said brightly, clinging steadfastly to her resolution, and he left about half an hour later, not noticing, as he drove off, Les approaching grimly across the lawn.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ‘I DON’T believe it,’ said Roz dazedly.

  But in the end she had to. The vet had happened to be at the stables, getting a blood sample from another horse, when Nimmitabel had got fractious, pulled away from her strapper, slipped, and been obviously lame and hopping when they caught her. He had had his portable X-ray machine with him and the X-rays had been rushed to his surgery to be developed. The result—there was no doubting that Nimmitabel had fractured the pastern bone in her left foreleg.

  ‘So she’ll never race?’ said Roz, her face pale and distraught.

  The vet stroked his moustache. ‘Mrs Milroy, horse fractures are very difficult to deal with, as you probably know—they‘re so heavy, so excitable, particularly thoroughbreds, and prone to panic, and by nature, they spend most of their life on their feet.’

  ‘She’s … you’re not going to have to put her down?’ whispered Roz, her eyes stricken.

  ‘No. Certainly not at this stage. We have techniques for dealing with this type of fracture and in the case of a valuable filly like this we’ll spare no effort, but—well, even if all else goes well, as a racing proposition …’ He stopped, uncomfortably, then he said, ‘I’ve suggested to Les that we transport her to the surgery where she can get round-the-clock expert supervision.’

  ‘Yes. Yes …’

  ‘If only Adam was here!’ Les said intensely. He stared anxiously at Roz.

  ‘It’s all right, Les. He would agree, I’m sure.’

  ‘But you…’

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ she assured him. ‘Just give me a few minutes with her.’

  Shortly afterwards she watched the horse ambulance leave the property with Les in attendance; she turned away at last and walked unseeingly past at band of saddened stable hands.

  And eventually she found herself in the same private spot where she had sat on the morning after her twenty-first birthday party and decided to try and patch up her marriage with Adam. But now, as she sat surrounded by the familiar smells, all she could think of was a foal that had for a time thought she was its mother, a filly growing strong and beautiful, a mare dying in her arms, her grandfather’s dreams … What was left? A filly still beautiful but hobbling and in pain.

  Roz closed her eyes and knew she didn’t care if Nimmitabel never raced so long as she was saved, something was saved.

  She sat there until the sun started to slip down and thought finally that Adam must still be out, so she got up and walked towards the house. But Adam was obviously home, because she could hear his voice in the study and guessed he was on the phone. And as she walked through the hall she heard voices in the kitchen—Jeanette and Milly. She’d forgotten Jeanette was due back and hesitated, but then she thought they all probably expected her to be still down at the stables helping with the evening ritual of feeding up as she often
did, and perhaps she could escape company for a little longer. So she slipped quietly upstairs and into her bedroom.

  Not to know that it was Les on the phone to Adam from the veterinary clinic or that as soon as Adam finished speaking to Les, he rang the stable connection. Nor did she know that in the ensuing search it was Jeanette who thought to check the bedroom but turned away silently from the open doorway and went back downstairs just as quietly to get Adam.

  Roz knew none of this as she sat on the end of her bed with her mind terribly blank and the sun started to set.

  Then Adam came into the room and closed the door behind him.

  Roz looked up at his tall figure, at everything about him that was so beyond her—a big, good-looking, clever man who was so much more than a match for her she couldn’t for the life of her work out why he bothered …

  ‘I’m all right, she said, and tried to smile. ‘It happens with horses, doesn’t it? It’s always a gamble.’ She swallowed.

  ‘Yes, Roz.’

  ‘And they might be able to save her. That’s all l care about. It’s truly awful to see her like this, but …’

  ‘Roz,’ he said,‘you don’t have to be so brave with me. I know how you must be feeling.’

  She took as shuddering breath. ‘I can cope.’

  Adam came and sat down next to her and picked up her hand—and finally the tears came.

  Adam let her cry, then when it seemed as if she couldn’t stop he held her away from him and said, ‘Roz, don’t. That’s enough. You’ll make yourself sick.’

  She took a gulp of air and scrubbed at her face distractedly, but it didn’t help, and he pulled her back into arms with a frown while she clung to him, realising dimly that nothing was going to make her feel better other than to be there, pressed against his body, protected by his arms, loved… yes, loved.

  A-Adam?’ she faltered. ‘You’ve told me I have to be honest with you, haven’t you‘? She took several sobbing little breaths. ‘I want you … I need you to make love to me now, even if it’s for all the wrong reasons, but you see, I have all these lonely places in my heart and … and,’ her tongue stumbled and she hiccuped, but the tears had slowed at last and she raised drenched blue eyes to his, ‘I don’t know what else to do, any more. It all—everything keeps slipping away from me… Would it be so hard for you?’