Never Let Go

by Graysen Morgen

  *

  The next evening, Finley walked into her house after a long, boring day at the base with zero call outs. After a shark was reported in the Cocoa Beach area, they did a flyover, but never saw anything. She plopped down on the couch, checking her email on her phone. Nicole had sent three separate videos of Caitlin’s swim meet from earlier in the day, which she’d won. Finley watched each of them, then scrolled through her phone to make a call.

  “Hey, Mom!” Caitlin answered.

  “Hey, kiddo. I just saw the videos of your swim meet. Way to go!”

  “Thanks. Our team is leading the points in our division right now.”

  “That’s fantastic. How’s everything else going?”

  “Fine.”

  “I don’t mean just with school. Your grades are good, right?”

  “Yes. I’m pretty sure I’m getting all A’s for the first semester. I’ll know next week when I get my report card.”

  “Great. And things at home?”

  “The same,” Caitlin mumbled. “I can’t wait until you come up here in a couple of weeks.”

  “Me too.”

  “Were you on shift today?”

  “Yep.”

  “Did you save anyone?”

  “Nope. We went looking for a shark that was spotted out on the beach. That was the highlight of my day. What about you? It’s Halloween. Are you doing anything exciting?”

  “My friend Hannah invited me over to dress up scary and pass out candy, but I stayed home with Mom instead. She and Dave had a huge fight a little while ago.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yes. They were supposed to go to the party up at the country club. Mom spent all day with me at the swim meet, and then she took me and Hannah to dinner since Dave was out golfing. When we got home, she didn’t feel like going to the party. He flipped out, yelling at her.”

  “Where is he now?”

  “Gone. He stormed out of here, slamming the door. I guess he went to the party.”

  “That piece of shit doesn’t deserve her,” she mumbled.

  “What? I think your phone is breaking up, Mom.”

  “I asked, where’s your mom?”

  “Passing out candy to the trick or treat kids.”

  Finley shook her head and looked at the clock on the wall. “I’m supposed to be at a party too.”

  “Why didn’t you go?”

  “It’s a costume party…”

  “Well, put on some old, ratty clothes, smear ketchup all over them, and go as a zombie victim. That seems to be the big thing this year. Personally, zombies creep me out,” Caitlin said.

  “I’ll see what I can come up with,” Finley laughed.

  “Cool. Send me a picture.”

  “I will. I better get going. I love you, kiddo. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Love you too, Mom.”

  Finley hung up the phone and went upstairs to search her closet.

  *

  “Look at what the cat drug in,” Tracey exclaimed, pulling her front door open. “It’s about time you arrived.”

  “Yeah, well, some of us had to work today.”

  “Oh, please. I heard all about your shark hunt. Sounds like I missed a hell of a lot of nothing.”

  “Pretty much,” Finley laughed.

  “Oh…I like your costume,” Lillian said, giving Finley a hug as she entered the kitchen.

  “Me too,” said a young woman who was standing next to Lillian. “The Walking Dead comes to life,” she added as Finley turned around to show off her zombie victim attire.

  “Thanks. It was my kid’s idea,” Finley replied.

  “Her daughter is one of the coolest teenagers I’ve ever met,” Lillian added.

  Finley smiled.

  “Where are my manners?” Lillian chided herself. “Finley, this is Monica, a friend of my from Miami. She works for the Port Authority.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Finley said, holding out her hand.

  “Let me guess, you’re in the Coast Guard, too?” Monica replied, letting her hand linger a little too long.

  “She’s a rescue swimmer,” Lillian added.

  “Wow. No wonder you’re in such great shape.”

  Finley smiled again. Monica was cute, and if she wanted to, Finley was pretty sure it wouldn’t take much to bed the young woman. A one night stand was exactly what she usually wanted, no strings attached. She thought about it some more as she walked out of the kitchen, finally finding Tracey on the back patio.

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to leave you back there,” Tracey said. “So…”

  Finley raised an eyebrow. “So, what?”

  “What did you think of Monica?”

  “Oh, please don’t tell me she came up here so you could set us up.”

  “What? No. I didn’t even know she was a lesbian until she took one look at you and turned into a puddle on my kitchen floor,” Tracey laughed.

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes!”

  Finley grinned and shook her head.

  Tracey saw Monica coming towards them. “Hey, I won’t ask and you don’t have to tell,” she giggled, walking away.

  Finley gave her a dirty look.

  “You guys are pretty good friends, huh?” Monica asked.

  “Yeah. You have to be on a different level when you do what we do. You’re literally putting your life in other people’s hands every time you go up in the helicopter.”

  “I’d put my life in your hands. In fact, I’d put all of me in your hands,” Monica murmured.

  Finley’s eyebrows rose.

  Monica chuckled. “Honestly, I’m not usually this forward. Maybe it’s the one drink I’ve had.”

  Finley grinned. If I take you home, it would be just another good time, followed by a lonely morning, she thought. Not tonight. It wasn’t like having a one-night stand was something new. She simply had other things on her mind lately. “I’m going to mingle for a bit and say hello to some people I haven’t seen in a while. Maybe we can talk later,” she said, trying to let the woman down easy.

  Chapter 11

  The long, skinny 737 airliner rolled to a stop outside of gate B3. Finley felt relieved to be on the ground, but her rolling stomach wouldn’t settle down. She could fly in a helicopter for hours in bad weather with no problem, but there was something about being on a commercial plane that made her queasy. She unbuckled her seatbelt and waited. There were at least fifty people ahead of her, all trying to get off the plane at the same time. I should’ve hitched a ride on a C-130, she thought. Coast Guard personnel were always welcomed aboard as passengers on cargo planes. The only problem was finding a plane heading in the direction you needed to go and finding another one heading back. Since she was heading up to Charleston, the base that not only housed the AST Rescue Swimmer School, but was also the aviation hub for the Coast Guard, she usually had no problems hitching a ride. However, she had decided to fly commercial to make sure she arrived and departed in time to fit her tight schedule.

  When the departure line finally began to move near the back of the plane, Finley snatched her bag out of the overhead compartment and followed the crowd into the terminal towards baggage claim. She’d fit everything she would need for the weekend, including her Service Dress Blue uniform for the parade, into her carry-on bag. Checking her luggage was simply out of the question. She couldn’t risk losing her SDB uniform.

  As the crowd began to head towards the conveyer belt, Finley veered off towards the airport exit. She smiled when she saw her mother standing a few feet away, scanning the swarm of people.

  “Looking for someone?” Finley teased, stepping up next to her.

  “Oh, good lord!” Jackie Morris squeaked with surprise. “You damn near scared me half to death, Finley!”

  “Sorry,” Finley laughed, pulling her mother into a hug. “Let’s get out of here. I’m starving.”

  “That’s all you have?” Jackie asked, looking down at the carry-on bag.

  “You
’d be surprised at how much stuff I can fit into this thing.”

  Jackie nodded and led the way to her car. “Were you on shift today?” she asked.

  “I’m on nights right now, so I got off this morning.”

  “Did you get any sleep before you left?”

  “No,” Finley replied.

  Jackie nodded as she got into her car.

  *

  It didn’t matter how many times she came home, or how long she stayed away. Every time Finley stepped foot in her old bedroom, the memories came flooding back. As she lied there, trying to nap, she reflected on the night Michael had died, and the first time she’d kissed Nicole. They’d been sitting on that same bed. The four walls of that room had seen so much, if only they could talk. She wondered what advice they’d give her. This was the worst part of coming home. Everything reminded her of Nicole and what seemed like a lifetime ago. If I can’t let you go, how in the hell am I ever going to move back here? she thought.

  Unable to sleep, Finley pulled on her sneakers, stuck her wallet in her pocket, and padded down the stairs. She was still dressed in the jeans and a dark blue t-shirt with SAR written in white on the upper left chest, that she’d worn on her flight.

  “Do you mind if I borrow your car?” she asked.

  Jackie looked up from the lesson plans she was working on for her class, at the dining table. She’d taken the day off since Finley was coming home, and with Veteran’s Day the next day, the school was closed anyhow. She was happy to have her daughter home, even if it was only from Thursday to Sunday. “Can’t sleep?” she questioned.

  “Nope.”

  Jackie smiled. “My keys are with my purse, on the coffee table.”

  “Do you need me to pick up anything?”

  “No. I’ll get dinner going while you’re gone,” Jackie replied.

  Finley grabbed the keys and hugged her mother.

  *

  The short drive to Coast Guard Air Station Charleston, took about twenty minutes in the late afternoon traffic. Finley parked across the road from the main gate and turned the car off. Her eyes fixed on a red and white Coast Guard helicopter, hovering in the distance, more than likely doing some kind of aviation training. She wished she’d worn her uniform so that she could take a look around the Aviation Survival Training school, but she didn’t have to step foot inside. She remembered the sights, smells, and sounds of that building like it was yesterday that she was there doing her own training. Those were some of the longest weeks and months of her life. If it hadn’t been for the instructors challenging her to be better than the person beside her and forcing her to see the light at the end of the tunnel, she probably wouldn’t be where she was today with her career. She wondered if she could do that…be that person for someone else. The person who takes someone to their limit, and dares them to go further.

  Finley smiled, thinking about how much she’d hated those instructors. Today, she had the utmost respect for each and every one of them, especially the ones who pushed her when she nearly washed out in week four.

  A tear rolled down her cheek when she thought about that day. She’d felt so alone. Knowing Nicole was in the same city, pregnant and scared, had torn Finley apart. She couldn’t concentrate on anything. All she wanted to do was go home. When she failed a written test, then a water test two days later, she was taken aside by a female instructor who was a Petty Officer First Class.

  “Morris, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you’d better get it out, and fast! Look around you. Do you not realize you’re the best damn swimmer in this class? Hell, you’re one of the best that has ever come through here! Listen to me kid, you are going to go places and do things that most women in the Coast Guard only dream about. You have so much potential. Don’t throw it all away for nothing. You have to let go of whatever is bothering you. You’ll never survive the next twenty weeks if you don’t,” she said.

  “I will never let go. My partner is pregnant. She needs me. I shouldn’t have come here,” Finley replied.

  “You came here for a reason. You wanted to be a rescue swimmer and save lives. You wanted to be somebody. Now is your time to do just that. Make your partner and child proud. You will leave your blood, sweat, and tears in this building, but what you take with you when you graduate is a lifetime of respect and admiration from your peers, and a sense of self-pride that no one, and nothing can take away from you. Remember that. Right here and right now is all about you, Finley. You can continue to forget why you chose to become a rescue swimmer and wash out, or you can get your ass back in that pool and show me why you are here.”

  *

  “You were gone a while,” Jackie said when Finley meandered inside.

  “Sorry. I lost track of time.”

  “Are you nervous?” Jackie asked.

  “Nervous? About what?”

  “Caitlin marching tomorrow. I figured that’s where you went. To go talk to her.”

  “I don’t even know where they live,” Finley replied, kicking off her shoes and sitting down at the dining table.

  “They’ve been in Hickory Hills since Nicole married that sorry excuse for a man,” Jackie said, placing their dinner on the table.

  Finley nodded. “It figures they’d live on a golf course.”

  “Nicole doesn’t play golf. They live there because of him. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods or something.”

  Finley laughed.

  “So, if you weren’t with Caitlin, then where did you go for two hours?” Jackie questioned, between bites of food.

  “The base.”

  “You weren’t in your uniform. Did you have work to do?”

  Finley set her fork down and folded her hands over her plate like a teepee. “I’ve been given the opportunity to become an instructor at the rescue swimmer school as my next transfer. It’s a three year post like everything else.”

  “Really? That means you’d be moving back then, right?”

  “Uh huh.” Finley’s eyes met her mother’s. “I don’t know if I can do it, Mom,” she sighed. “Living away from here has helped me keep my sanity.”

  “I understand. Just because you live in the same city doesn’t mean you and Nicole will be neighbors or bump into each other at the grocery store. Hell, I haven’t seen her at all in the last seven years, except when it has to do with Caitlin.” She set her fork down as well. “Is this even something you want to do? Be an instructor?”

  “Yes. I wasn’t expecting it right now. I actually wanted to finish out my career as an instructor, but this is a huge opportunity. I’d do it for three years, then go back into the field.”

  Jackie nodded. “You already know this, but Caitlin would be over the moon if you moved here. You’d be around for the rest of her high school years. It would actually benefit her in a lot of ways to have you close by. That kid practically worships the ground you walk on.”

  “I know.” Finley smiled. “I’ve missed so much. The idea of being closer to Caitlin is great, but I can’t be around Nicole.”

  “Who said you had to?”

  “No one, but I have a pretty good idea how life is at her house. I don’t think I could handle being in the same town the next time Caitlin tells me her mother is crying because that piece of trash screamed in her face. I’m liable to go over there and knock his ass out.”

  “Well, maybe that’s a good thing.” Jackie shrugged.

  Finley grinned. “Seriously though, I haven’t made any decisions. I have until the middle of next month.”

  “If you don’t do the instructor thing, where will you be transferred to?”

  “I have no idea. I put in for Savannah, to at least be a little closer. That was before the instructor thing came about. But, I’m a senior swimmer and a chief, so I’ll get sent wherever I am needed most,” she replied, going back to her dinner.

  “At least you can’t get shipped across the country or worse, the world. Patty, the vice principal at the school, her son is in the Army. He’s stationed
in Japan. She gets to see her grandkids once a year at most.”

  Finley scrunched her nose. The idea of being stationed in the middle of nowhere didn’t appeal to her at all. “What does he do?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. He’s some kind of supply officer or something. His wife went with him when he got transferred. They’ve been there for about three years, I think. She’s an English teacher at a school in Okinawa.”

  Finley nodded.

  “Either way, it’s your life and your choice. I’m just glad you’re here right now. We’ll deal with the next three years when the time comes.” Jackie smiled.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  Chapter 12

  The next morning, Finley put on the navy-blue pants and light-blue, button-down shirt of her Service Dress Blue uniform. She checked the shine on her high-gloss oxford shoes before pulling them on. After that, she put on the dark-blue tab tie and pinned her rank insignia to both of her collar lapels. She checked her navy-blue coat one last time, making sure the four rows of ribbons and the aviation rescue swimmer badge above them, were perfectly placed on the left chest. Her last name and US Coast Guard were etched on the name tag on the opposite side. The coat also had a gold patch of her rank insignia on the upper left arm, and a patch with three gold stripes on the outside of the lower left arm, indicting at least twelve years of service.

  Finley looked in the mirror as she pulled on the coat, fastening the three gold buttons down the center. There was something about getting dressed up in her fanciest uniform that made her back a little stiffer and forced her to stand a bit taller, giving her an overwhelming sense of pride.

  She put her cover on her head, making sure it fit correctly since she rarely wore it. Most of her time was spent in a flight suit with a ball cap or garrison cap, not a formal cover. After one last check of her uniform in the mirror, she smiled and did an about-face.

  *

  “Wow,” Jackie exclaimed, as her daughter stepped off the bottom of the staircase. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you in your dress uniform. You’ve added more stuff to it, I see. I’m so damn proud of you,” she added, wiping a tear from her cheek.