I am Mrs. Jesse James

by Pat Wahler

  Zerelda. The bonnet shading her face had wilted, and her clothes were damp and rumpled.

  Mama joined me outside, a line puckering her brow. Zerelda drove the rig to the porch before she pulled back on the reins. I helped her step down, and her scowl deepened.

  “I can’t stay for anything more than a sip of water before I go on my way. The Pinkertons have been sending men all through the county to hunt down my boys. Some brown-suited fool came to the farm asking questions, but left soon enough when he caught sight of my rifle. Others have been nosing around with the neighbors. You need to take care. It would not surprise me if a stranger came here pretending to be someone else. Mark well that such a person could be a rattlesnake in disguise.”

  Mama nodded, her eyes shadowed. “We never talk to anyone outside family about the boys. You can trust us to help in whatever way we can.”

  “Yes, I know that, Mary, and I thank you. We have always been able to depend on you, and that fact will never be forgotten. As for you, Zee,” she added gruffly, “you hold a special place in my heart. I give you credit for saving Jesse’s life. He’s spoken to me often of his deep affection for you.”

  It was a bold statement to make in front of Mama, when Zerelda surely knew of Mama’s opposition to our relationship. A small part of the weight on my shoulders lifted at what I deemed to be her support, and my lips turned up.

  She spared me a brief smile before fixing a sterner eye on Mama. “I hope sometime soon my boys will be free from persecution and able to live a normal life without the harassment that comes my way and theirs. Nearly every day someone is watching at the edge of the farm or trespassing on my property. They’re keeping my family from me. I want to see Frank and Jesse without worrying one or both of them will be hung from a tree like the Federals did to Reuben.”

  “I understand your feelings.” Mama pointed at the porch. “You look exhausted. Perhaps you should come and sit with us in the shade for a while. I can fetch you something cool to drink.”

  Zerelda shook her head and turned toward the wagon. “Never mind. I can’t linger here any longer. There are other places to stop before I can take the train for home.”

  My brow furrowed. Given Frank and Jesse’s increasing infamy, I wondered if Zerelda’s dream would ever be possible. She nodded briskly toward Mama, and I helped her climb back into the wagon. Zerelda moved stiffly as Mama sometimes did. She had aged so much in the last few years. Perhaps we all had.

  She lifted the reins, and the horse broke into a trot, wagon wheels drawing ruts in damp earth. I knew she would spread similar warnings to our neighbors. It wouldn’t surprise me if she sharpened her warnings with implied threats for those less sympathetic to her cause. Mama glanced at me and then trudged into the house.

  The increased interest of lawmen fanned my fear for Jesse, and for us as well. An odd prickly feeling settled on me that I couldn’t shake—as though someone had walked on my grave.

  Within days after Zerelda’s warning, a rider approached the boarding house. I half-turned, wondering whether to run inside for Papa’s old pistol, when I recognized our neighbor, Jim Lindell. A sigh of relief left me.

  He reined in his horse. “Zee, can you get your ma? I have news for you both.”

  Mama must have heard the horse hooves because she stepped outside, wiping her hands on her apron. “What is it, Jim?”

  “The town is buzzing with news from Independence that I knew you’d want to know. A Pinkerton detective got himself killed in a shootout. I hear John Younger was shot dead, too. I reckon Zerelda was right when she came by to warn us trouble was coming.”

  Heart skittering, I couldn’t keep myself from asking, “Mr. Lindell, was anyone else wounded?”

  “One other detective got hurt pretty bad, but it sounds like he’ll live.” He scratched his stubbly chin. “They say the war’s over, but it sure feels like the fighting is never going to end.”

  My fears deepened, and sleepless nights returned. More often than not, I left my bed to count the stars. In light of the latest round of violence, the thought of leaving Mama alone to cope with whatever might come next made my stomach clench. I couldn’t desert her now. Until I knew more, I decided to delay making any final decision about my future. Surely after so much time already had passed, a few more months wouldn’t matter.

  As it happened, news came sooner than I expected. On a day when Mama drove into town with Mrs. Lindell to buy supplies, a solitary messenger rode to the house. Even after he stopped his horse, the animal pranced about as though he were accustomed to running. The rider had a silver-striped beard and a hat sat low on his forehead, keeping his face hidden. The horse blew heavily when the man leaned down to hand me a small piece of paper.

  “A message for you, miss,” he said.

  I took the note, and the man loosened his reins to let his animal charge away. I watched until he was out of sight, and then my fingers fumbled to open the paper. I scanned the few words scribbled on it and inhaled sharply.

  Dearest Zee,

  I cannot bear to wait any longer. It’s time we fulfill the pledge we made so long ago. Be ready, for I will arrive very soon so we can make a plan to start our new life together.

  With love and much anticipation,

  J.J.

  15

  One moment my eyes burned with tears, and the next it seemed as though I could float away like a basket under a hot air balloon. Fearful of Mama’s reaction, I kept the contents of Jesse’s note secret, tucking the paper into the pocket of my dress, next to the coin he gave me. At night, I hid both under my pillow. Over the years, it often seemed unlikely that a life with Jesse was even possible, but with the note as a talisman, a renewed sense of hope buoyed me.

  I stood at the dry sink to wash dishes from the breakfast meal, and sung a wistful war-time song I hadn’t thought of in years:

  Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,

  Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee,

  Sounds of the rude world, heard in the day,

  Lull’d by the moonlight have all passed away.

  Mama came into the kitchen, with a full laundry basket. I closed my mouth, and her eyes narrowed. “Take this and start heating the water, please.”

  “Yes, Mama.”

  I dragged the basket outside. In the yard, chickens squawked as I walked past them while the man Mama had hired to help us, hammered a board on the coop. The old red rooster flapped his wings at the unwelcome disturbance to his kingdom.

  Flower buds had begun to tease with hints of the yellow and pink that would soon follow, and I filled my lungs with clean air. Never had I seen a bluer sky. Only yesterday, I didn’t notice the beauty bursting around me. Today, I worked the pump handle and added my song to that of the birds.

  Mama spent her time in the kitchen while I pulled dirty linens from the beds and swept floors. We had no time to speak until the sky darkened and Mama filled our plates for dinner. We’d made a habit of taking our final meal of the day together after the boarders had eaten, so we could speak of things that could not be safely mentioned in front of others. It was a practice Papa had established once news of Jesse and Frank began to appear in newspapers. Now with Papa gone, and my brothers and sisters on their own, Mama and I sat across from each other, speaking politely of our day’s work.

  Mama folded her hands to bless the food and then looked at me. “I am pleased to see you are following Dr. Lykins’s instruction. It has been a long time since you were so lighthearted.”

  I dismissed our differences of opinion as though they hadn’t happened. “Yes, indeed, Mama. I’m very sorry to have grieved you.”

  She passed a warm biscuit to me and smiled. “I have come up with an idea that I hope will please you. Would you like to go visit Lucy for a week or two? I can manage things here until you return, and I know she would be very happy to see you. She has been quite lonely during her confinement and would enjoy your company.”

  Spending time with Lucy in Kearney wo
uld be a balm to my long-battered soul. I’d missed having a confidante. And with Lucy’s house lying only a few miles from Zerelda’s, such a visit might also make it easier for Jesse and I to see each other. I paused so as not to appear overly eager.

  “Thank you, Mama. I’d love to spend time with Lucy. How soon can we make the arrangements?”

  She patted her lips with a napkin and beamed at my words. “I proposed the idea a few weeks ago in a letter. We will send a telegram to say when you are coming. I think such a visit would benefit both of you.”

  The corners of my mouth lifted, and I could feel my heart hammering with excitement. “Can we send the telegram tomorrow?”

  Before Mama could answer, someone rapped softly at the kitchen entrance. We both jumped at the unexpected sound. She looked at me and then at the door before scooting back her chair. I wished my fingers were wrapped around Papa’s pistol as Mama walked toward the door and waited a heartbeat before pulling it open.

  The damp scent of evening wafted in, tree frogs chirping a crescendo on the breeze. A man wearing a wide-brimmed slouch hat and long dark frockcoat stood in the doorway. I squinted until the glow of our kitchen lamp illuminated his face. He swept off the hat in a courtly manner to expose sandy-colored hair and a familiar grin. My breath caught, and I leapt from my chair to run toward him.

  The wait had been too long to care what Mama thought. I thumped against Jesse like a ship reaching harbor. His arms went ’round me, and his chin rested on my head. I melted into his warmth. We stayed that way for a long moment before he stepped inside and pushed the door shut. His pale eyes shone with a sparkling intensity.

  “Aunt Mary, I’ve come here tonight to tell you I love Zee and cannot live any longer without her by my side. I have enough money to provide a secure start for us. We’ve waited a long time and want to get married as soon as we can. Will you give us your blessing?”

  Mama backed up a step and clutched a chair near the door. Her hands were white-knuckled, holding on as though to keep herself from falling. Her cheeks flushed a deep scarlet.

  “Jesse, you know the life you live even better than I do. There are stories of robberies and murders and a price on your head. Detectives chase you everywhere you go. So do bounty hunters. You cannot expect me to allow my daughter to go with you when it means she will suffer the same dangers. A plan such as this is not wise. I am sorry, but I cannot with good conscience give you my blessing.”

  Jesse’s face fell, and for once, he seemed at a loss for words.

  But I didn’t intend to keep silent and starched my back. “You know being with him is all I’ve ever wanted. Jesse and I love each other, and we intend to be wed. I would like to have your blessing, but with or without it, I’m telling you we will be married.”

  Mama lifted her chin, and her voice frosted.

  “Zee, your disrespect does you no credit. You must listen to reason. I want only what is best for you.”

  “If you don’t mind, Mama, I’d like to make such a decision for myself.”

  “Daughter, do not be foolish. You and Jesse must not marry, if for no other reason than your agreement to help me run the boarding house. Would you leave me here alone?” Mama’s voice faded, and she swallowed hard. “Please pray about this and think carefully before you do anything you will come to regret later. At the very least, take a few months before plunging into such a marriage.”

  I stared at my mother and noticed how the lines in her face had deepened and her lips had thinned. She looked older and wearier than I’d ever seen her, even on the day we buried Papa. In an instant, I realized the depth of her feelings. No matter how long or hard Jesse tried, time would not soften her heart. She would never agree to our union.

  I turned to Jesse. “Give me a moment to pack my bag. I’m going with you tonight.”

  Mama drew a sharp breath. “I cannot believe you would consider leaving under such circumstances. Think what your papa would say if he were still here.”

  “I have prayed and thought and worried for many long years and know full well what I’m doing.” My gaze stayed on Jesse. “Let’s leave right away, please. Now that I think on it, there’s nothing I need to take with me after all.”

  I saw a spark of admiration in his eyes, and his lips curved up in a half smile.

  Mama shook her head and blew out a long, low sigh. “I had hoped with time you would come to your senses. Marrying someone who could be here to help us in our work would provide a secure future for you.”

  “You seem more worried over the boarding house than my happiness. I’ve stayed here longer than any of my brothers or sisters. You can’t force me into a life I don’t want because it benefits you.”

  She raised her hand, and I thought she might slap me. But her arm dropped, and she lowered her shoulders.

  “If nothing I can say will dissuade you from this foolishness, at least consider the consequences of running away with a man in the night like a thief. Such unseemly behavior would bring shame to your family and to your papa’s memory. If you insist upon marriage, a proper wedding would be preferable to an elopement.”

  Mama’s eyes glittered with unshed tears, but her features looked cold as if they had been carved from stone.

  “Very well, Mama. I won’t leave tonight. Beyond that, I promise nothing.”

  I moved away from the censure I saw written on her face. Jesse and I left the kitchen to walk outside where the chirp of crickets rose and fell in a soothing nighttime serenade. His pretty bay mare snorted and tossed her head.

  “Easy, Kate. Steady, girl,” he said.

  She quieted with the soothing sound of his voice, and I remembered Jesse’s way with horses. As I touched the mare’s sleek neck, the import of what I’d done struck me. I began to shiver.

  “Would you like my coat, Zee?”

  “No. I’m all right.”

  He sighed and lowered his voice. “If you’ve changed your mind about marrying me, I want you to know I understand.”

  “No. I couldn’t ever go back to my old life.” The words blazed from my mouth. “That’s finished for good. I want nothing more than to be with you. But where will we go? Mama will never agree to host a wedding of which she disapproves.”

  He pulled me against the warmth of his chest. The sound of his heartbeat steadied mine.

  “We could go to my mother’s farm. She’d be happy to welcome us.”

  The thought of what Zerelda might say about the nature of my exit from home made me squirm. I shook my head as another idea occurred to me.

  “Lucy. I know she’d let us have our wedding at her house. She’s already expecting me to visit.”

  His brows wrinkled together. “Are you sure about that? Boling’s always feared any attention being brought to them because of me. A wedding might be more than he’d be willing to allow.”

  “Lucy understands how it is with us. And as long as we move quickly, I don’t think Boling would mind.”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever it is you want, I want, too.”

  I thought of Mama waiting in the kitchen, and my stomach clenched.

  “The way things are now, the sooner I go, the better. I’ll be on the first train to Kearney tomorrow morning. Can you manage to see me at Lucy’s after I arrive?”

  His cocky grin returned.

  “You know I can manage whatever I set out to do.” Brushing dust off the sleeve of his coat, I smiled. “Yes, I do believe you can.”

  16

  The next morning, Mama kept her head bent over a dress that needed mending. She punctured the fabric so hard with her needle that I could hear every stitch. She did not look up or even acknowledge me, but I couldn’t leave with no words between us. “Good-bye, Mama. Remember to send word to Robert. He’ll help you with whatever you need.” Her needle paused only a few seconds before it resumed a steady plunk, plunk, plunk. I sighed and carried my bag outside to where our hired man waited to take me to the depot.

  The money I’d been
saving bought my ticket with a comforting amount left over. Taking my seat, I stared out the window and watched green fields appear and disappear as the train brought me closer to Lucy. My mind seemed at war. I didn’t know whether to feel sorrow at the rift between me and Mama or joy at the notion of marrying the man I loved.

  After the train made it to Kearney, I scurried past the people who strolled on the depot platform to rent a horse and buggy. By mid-morning, I’d arrived at Lucy’s small home and tethered the sad-looking gelding’s reins to a fence post under the shade of an elm tree. An azalea bush near Lucy’s front porch bloomed with ruby-colored blossoms, and a rooster crowed from the backyard.

  Brushing dust from my clothes, I took a deep breath, and rapped on the front door. A few moments passed before it opened.

  My sister, swollen with child, stood in the doorway. When she saw me, her eyes rounded. I sobbed her name and my arms encircled her in a tight hug. We laughed through our tears, and in an instant my fears fell away as though I’d returned home after a long absence.

  She stepped back and held me at arm’s length. “Mama wrote you might come to visit, but I didn’t expect to see you so soon.”

  I swallowed hard and looked away. “I left this morning because of a disagreement with Mama. Last night Jesse and I told her we were going to be married. She took a strong stand against us and refused her consent for us to wed. I threatened to elope with him and she told me such a thing would shame the family. So, I’ve come here in hopes you’ll let me stay until Jesse and I can be properly married.”

  Lucy’s mouth dropped open in surprise, but she swiftly pressed her lips together.