by Tina Martin
Entry 4
I haven’t talked to Sean so far today. But walking through the mall, he was all I could think about. I thought I was supposed to be writing about Cornelius in this journal, but lately, it seems that Sean has been the topic of discussion. I talked with Warren about Sean, then with Nikki about Sean. Now it’s always Sean, Sean, Sean. It upsets me the way he tries to make me feel guilty for leaving Roman, but it’s not like that is a spur of the moment decision I can make. It was well known upfront that September would be the time when I left. When Roman was back in sch….
- - -
“Why aren’t you outside with the rest of us?” Sean asked, as he came in my room wearing a green apron with a spatula in one hand and a Miller Lite in the other and smelling like smoke from the grill. He almost scared the life out of me. I hurried and slid the journal under my pillow.
“Don’t you know how to knock?”
Sean walked to the side of the bed. “Monica, don’t do this, ah’ight?”
“Don’t do what? You’re the one busting into my room like you’re crazy.”
“Why aren’t you outside with us?”
“Because I don’t want to be. That’s your family out there, not mine. I don’t belong out there, just like I don’t belong here.”
“My family wants to meet you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re a part of my life, that’s why.”
“I’d rather stay inside…sorry.”
“Why? Because you’re still mad at me?”
“It’s not about you, Sean?”
“Okay, then who is it about, because I thought it was about Roman?” Sean said, remembering my previous comment stating that I would do anything for Roman. I couldn’t argue with that. “Everything is about Roman, right? That’s Roman’s family out there and they want to meet you. Now come on. You have plenty of time to be mad at me later. Come on.” Sean grabbed my hand and pulled me up off of the bed.
“Wait,” I said frantically. “I don’t have on any makeup and I need to change clothes.”
Sean continued pulling me. “You don’t need makeup. You look fine. Come on.”
I was looking a mess. My hair was in a ponytail and I had on some modest khaki shorts with a faded black tank top from two summers ago. I sat at an umbrella table with Victoria, Nikki, and Sean’s Auntie Josephine. Roman came running over to me since he hadn’t seen me for most of the day.
“Hey, Mommy,” he said, giving me a hug at the same time.
“Hi, sweetie. What you up to?”
“Pwaying ball with my cousins. Will you pway with me?”
“Sure, sweetheart. I’ll be over there soon.”
“Okay. I’ll be back.” Roman ran off to play.
I engaged in conversation with the women of the Beauvais family, listening to Sean’s aunt tell stories about him when he was younger. Nikki just laughed, while Victoria was pretty much laid back, enjoying spending time with her family that she loved so much.
I had to excuse myself to play ball with Roman, who was playing football with Damarion and Dallas in the area of the yard that was parallel to the fenced-in pool. The three boys were on one side of the yard and I was on the other. Roman threw the ball to me first. That boy had an arm on him. I didn’t think he could throw the ball that far, but he sure fooled me. I caught it and threw it to little Dallas. He didn’t catch it. He just ran behind the football until it stopped. Then he picked it up and gave it to Damarion to throw. By that time, we’d become entertainment for the family. Everyone just sat around and watched us. Damarion threw the ball at me and I went in for the catch. I missed. When I bent over to pick up the ball, a sharp pain hit me in my lower abdomen. It was so painful that I fell over, feeling like I’d just been stabbed. I thought I was going to pass out. Before I knew it, everyone was surrounding me.
“Call 911!” I heard Sean yell before he fell to the ground by my side. “Monica! Monica! Can you hear me?”
I could hear him, but I was out of it. I was in so much pain, I didn’t even have the strength to speak. I couldn’t move a muscle.
“Monica!” Sean shouted again. I caught a glimpse of him next to me on the ground. “Monica, stay with me, baby. Stay with me.”
“Daddy, what’s wrong with Mommy?” I faintly heard Roman asking Sean.
“Nikki, take Roman inside,” Sean instructed his sister.
I could hear Roman crying as he walked away from me.
“Monica! Monica, sweetheart, help is on the way. Stay with me, baby.” Sean’s voice was shaky, like he was crying. He had his arms wrapped around me and I could feel his hand beside my face. “Monica!” He manually opened my eyes and I could feel his tears as they fell on my face.
That’s all I remembered. When I woke up, I was lying in a hospital bed listening to a beeping heart monitor. It felt like the all-white room was spinning and my vision was blurred. Looking to my right, I could see someone sitting next to my bed.
“Sean, is that you?” I whispered.
“Nah, sweetie. It’s Warren.”
“Oh. Hey.”
Warren moved closer to the bed. “Sean just went to get you some ice chips and apple juice. How do you feel?”
“Tired…very tired.” I took a moment to look around the room again. “Where’s Roman?”
“He’s with Mama.”
As my eyes focused, I could see that my room was full of flowers.
“Where did all the flowers come from?”
“Oh, ah Keisha, Nikki, Derrick, Roman, me…pretty much er’body brought you flowers. And you see all those flowers by the window?” I looked over and saw about eight bouquets of roses. “Sean bought all of those.”
“He did?”
“Yep.”
I looked at the flowers again.
“So is Roman okay?”
“Roman is fine, Monica. It’s you who we’re worried about.”
“What happened?”
“Well, you were playing catch with the boys, and the next thing I know, you’re on the ground just barely conscious and Sean was yelling for someone to call 911. It scared me and Sean was definitely scared. I have never seen him panic like that.”
Sean came walking in the room with a tray. He had some water, ice, apple juice, crackers, and a salad.
“Well, hey there,” he said, looking at me. He must have been surprised to see me awake since I was sleep when he left the room. I was so groggy, I could hardly smile at him.
“I’m heading out. I’ll see you later, Monica.” Warren gripped my hand. “Take care,” he said and then left the room.
Sean took the seat Warren was initially sitting in and scooted closer to the bed.
“How do you feel?”
“Tired and dizzy.” I tried to sit up, but Sean gently pushed me back down.
“You need to relax, Monica.”
“What happened to me?”
“The doctor said it was appendicitis. Last night, you had emergency surgery to have your appendix removed.”
“The last thing I remember is falling to the ground. I ruined your cookout, didn’t I?”
“Monica, I don’t care about the cookout.”
“When can I get out of here?”
“They want to keep you for a couple of days.”
“I don’t want to stay here for a couple of days. I want to go home.” I started crying like a little girl. “I don’t want to be here.”
“Don’t cry, sweetheart. I’m going to be right here with you, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
“How’s Roman doing? Did I scare him?”
“Roman’s fine.” Sean wiped tears from my face with a napkin. “Monica, you need to relax. Stop crying and try to get some rest.”
“I’m fine, Sean.” Just when I said that, a sharp pain hit me in my lower abdomen. “Ouch! Ahh!”
“Are you okay?” Sean quickly jumped up. “Should I call the nurse?”
“No, don’t call the nurse. I’m okay.”
&nbs
p; “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. It was just a sharp pain. It’s gone now.”
“Ah’ight. See, that’s what I’m talking about. Don’t get yourself all worked up. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Sean poured apple juice in the cup of ice that he brought for me. “Sit up just a lil’ bit so you can drink some of this.”
I sat up as he instructed, took a few sips, and then returned to my original position.
“You know, you really scared me. I thought I was going to lose you.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you.” I dried my eyes and tried to relax like Sean told me to.
“I know you didn’t.”
“And if I have to stay here for a couple of days, then fine, but I want you to be home with Roman,” I said tearfully. I doubt if Sean heard anything I said. “You shouldn’t be here with me.”
“Well, guess what? I’m here and I’m not leaving.”
“Sean, I would rather you be with Roman.”
“Roman is fine, Monica. Mama is taking care of him. I’m concerned about you right now.”
Sean was adamant about staying with me. It’s not like I didn’t want him to stay, but circumstances such as this warrants family members to stay with me, not Sean. He wasn’t any kin to me. Keisha was my family. Granted, she wasn’t any kin to me either, but she became my family by frequent association.
“I can get Keisha to stay with me,” I told him.
Sean was becoming more and more testy. “Monica, visiting hours are over. Keisha was here earlier, but you were sleep. And why is it so hard for you to accept that I want to stay with you?”
“I would just rather you be with Roman.”
“Why? You’re not used to someone caring for you?”
Actually, I wasn’t used to someone caring for me or about me. I was so used to taking care of myself, even from an early age. Sean got up out of his chair and leaned down in front of me. His face was directly in front of mine, as we both shared the hospital bed pillow.
“I want to be here for you. Ah’ight? I want to. But if you tell me that you don’t need me to be here, then I’ll leave.”
Looking into Sean’s eyes, I could see his seriousness in wanting to stay with me and I knew he meant what he said. If I wanted him to leave, he would pick up his stuff and bounce. That’s just the type of cat Sean was.
“Do you want me to leave?” he whispered.
“No.” I didn’t want to be alone in that hospital…no matter how much I tried to play the hard role.
“Okay, good. Because if you said yes, I still wasn’t going to leave you.”
Sean licked his lips and then pushed them against mine. I won’t call that a kiss, but whatever it was, it was enough to make me tremble.
Instantly, I felt a connection with Sean. It was obvious the man cared about me. Otherwise, he would have spent his time elsewhere. But he didn’t. He spent his time with me, caring for me and about me.
I had wanted him to leave only because I didn’t want to feel indebted to him. I could see the day now when it’s time for me to leave the castle for good and Sean is begging me to stay another day saying something like, “You remember I stayed with you in the hospital those two days”. The last thing I needed was to be forced to make a decision based on a nice gesture like that, because I would be forced to say yes no matter what it was that he wanted.
I didn’t want to owe Sean any favors. I just wanted to finish my job and get out of his house before we became any closer.
However, something tells me it’s too late for that.
Chapter 16 – Bonding
I returned home a couple of days later. Roman was excited to see me, and so were Victoria, Nikki, Warren, and Derrick. They all greeted me when I was finally released from the hospital. I felt like I was having a homecoming party right there in the living room. It was nice to see them. They felt like a family to me and they all cared about me. That’s one thing I’ve come to learn about the Beauvais family. They were tight, and if they accepted you as a friend into their mold, then you instantly became family.
Sean carried me up the stairs to my room later on that night and sat me on the bed.
“I could’ve walked up the stairs by myself, you know. It’ll take me a little longer to get up here, but I could do it.”
“I know you can do it. I just wanted to help.” Sean sat on the bed with me. “Monica,” he said lightly.
“Yeah?”
“What’s this I hear about you trying to leave?”
Nikki must have shared my feelings with him, the things I told her on the day of the picnic before I went into the hospital. And it must have been on Sean’s mind all that time until he found the perfect opportunity to bring it up.
“I just don’t think it’s a good fit that I’m here,” I told him. “I thought a lot about what you said and I don’t want to hurt Roman. So, I thought it would be best if I just go.”
“I don’t want you to leave. I need you here. Roman needs you. I know we have our disagreements, but we’re not always fighting, are we?”
“Well…no.”
Sean sat there with a look of gloom on his face and his head angled down towards the floor. Out of the blue, he said, “It’s so hard to be vulnerable when you love someone, but you have to be, right?”
I wanted to say, come again? I thought we were talking about me…and staying at the house…and Roman needing me. Then, somehow, the conversation shifted over to being vulnerable and in love. So I just went with it.
“Ah…yeah. You have to surrender yourself to love, as scary as that sounds. Where is this coming from anyway?”
“It was just on my mind, that’s all.”
I rested my head on his shoulder. A sister was tired, and since he was there, I might as well have made good use of him.
I took a deep breath. Boy was I glad to be home and out of the hospital. Hospitals always seemed to make me feel sicker than what I was, and I sure didn’t need any added sicknesses in my life. I have enough problems as it is.
I WOKE UP in my bed the next morning. The last thing I remembered was going to sleep on Sean’s shoulder. I don’t even remember taking off my clothes, but I must have because I woke up in my bra and panties. I put on my robe and slowly crept downstairs to give Roman his cereal. The phone rang as I poured the milk, and I already knew who it was.
“Hey, Sean.”
“What’s up, sleepy head?”
I laughed.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah…as well as I could. I just got up maybe ten minutes ago…and just gave Roman some cereal.”
“Okay. Just try to chill today. Sit back, relax, and take it easy.”
“I was thinking about maybe walking down by the lake in a little while to let Roman get some fresh air. I don’t want him to be cooped up in the house all day.”
“No. You don’t need to do that. It’s too risky right now. You might hurt yourself.”
“I feel okay. Besides, I don’t want to be shut up in this house all day either.”
“Yeah…I wanna go pway,” Roman said with a mouth full of cereal, loud enough that Sean could hear him.
“Monica, tell Roman that I will take him out when I get home. I don’t want you to do anything. I’m afraid you’re going to push yourself too hard and hurt something.”
“But I’m telling you that I’m fine.”
Sean snapped. “How can you be fine when you just got out of the hospital?”
I left Roman in the kitchen and went into the family room to continue my conversation turned argument with Sean.
“Why are you yelling me?”
“Because you’re not listening to me. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, Monica. If something happens, I’m not there this time. I’m stuck at work. So just chill, ah’ight?”
Sean really pissed me off. I felt like he was trying to run my life.
“Why are you always giving me orders?” I said, feeling a migraine coming on.
“You can’t tell me what to do!”
“Gee, and I call myself trying to look out for you.”
“I don’t need you to look out for me. I’m a grown woman.”
“Yeah…a grown woman that just got out of the hospital! Am I the only one who heard what Dr. Morgan said? He said no physical activity, Monica! Your body needs four to six weeks to heal.”
“I can’t believe this. Is there anything else you want me to do while I’m taking orders from you? Maybe I should stay in bed for the rest of the year. Or maybe I should just lie around pretending that I’m dead. You would like that, wouldn’t you?”
Sean slammed the phone down and all I heard was dial tone. I knew he was angry. I could feel his blood pressure rising over the phone. I was going to be in trouble when he got home.
Eight o’clock rolled around and there was no sign of Sean. He probably went to the bar to have a drink. After our little shouting match, I could use one myself. Anyway, I wasn’t going to dwell on it. I put Roman to bed and then I did the same.
A few minutes later, I heard Sean coming up the stairs. He walked into his room and shut the door. I knew he was going to take a shower. He usually took showers every morning and night, though his showers at night were shorter than those long morning showers. I could hear his shower running for a few minutes and I must have dozed off after that. I woke up when I felt someone playing with my hair. I opened my eyes to Sean’s eyes beaming down on me as if he was trying to read my mind. Then he smiled.
Bending over, he whispered lightly in my ear, “You know, you are at a disadvantage when you sleep.”
“What?” I didn’t know if I was dreaming or what. I blinked my eyes trying to get a clear focus on him, and my, my, my. I wasn’t dreaming. Sean was on his knees beside my bed, wearing only a towel around his waist.
“You’re at a disadvantage when you sleep,” he repeated. “You know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t see how beautiful you are, but I can. I can see the relaxation in your face, your hair flying all over the place, and your chest moving up and down in its own involuntary rhythms. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful.”
