The Believer (The Shakers 2)

by Ann H. Gabhart

  Elder Joseph didn't look much less disapproving as he stepped close enough to speak to Elizabeth. "This is not proper behavior, sisters. I realize you are only learning our way, but we cannot allow such disruptions. I refuse to disturb the sanctity of the resting places of our departed sisters and brothers with harsh words, but you can be sure we will speak of this later."

  Elizabeth bowed her head in submission to his words, but she kept her arms around Hannah who had gone stiff against her. As long as he didn't demand she turn loose of Hannah, she didn't care what he said or did. She watched out of the corner of her eye as he turned back to the grave and Ethan. He took one of Ethan's arms and Brother Martin took the other one. Together they ushered Ethan away from the grave.

  "There is no reason for such sorrow;" Brother Martin was telling Ethan as they hustled him past Elizabeth. His voice was harsh, without sympathy. "You are a Believer, Brother Ethan. To display such grief shows lack of faith"

  Ethan let them pull him along without answering him. Before he went out the gate, he looked toward Elizabeth for the barest second. In his eyes, she saw his need to be held as she was holding Hannah, and her arms ached to offer him that comfort. Then they were gone on down the road with the sound of Brother Martin's harping voice trailing back behind them.

  Sister Lettie followed them out. "We must clean the sick room in case there is need of it," she said as she passed Elizabeth.

  "I will be there as soon as I take Sister Hannah back," Elizabeth answered. "Please tell Sister Nola I'll bring Hannah to her so she won't have to walk up this rise"

  Sister Lettie gave her a long look as if there were more words she thought needed to be spoken, but then she sighed and only said, "Do not tarry, Sister Elizabeth"

  "Nay, I will not:"

  Hannah waited until Sister Lettie turned away, then she jerked away from Elizabeth and tried to pummel her with her fists. "Don't say nay like one of them. You can't be one of them:"

  "Easy, Hannah:" Elizabeth caught Hannah's hands and pulled her tight against her as Sister Lettie looked back with a shake of her head before she walked on down the hill to speak to Sister Nola. When Hannah stopped fighting against her, Elizabeth stroked her back and murmured, "There, there. Calm yourself. I am not one of them. I will always be your sister"

  Hannah leaned heavily against her and got very still. "Do you promise, Izzy?"

  I promise:' Elizabeth put her hand under Hannah's chin and tipped her face up to look at her. `Always'

  `And you won't die?"

  "You know I can't promise that. Only the Lord knows the number of our days, but I plan to be here with you for a long, long time"

  "They boil the silkworms. Did you know that?" Hannah looked near tears again. "Sister Nola says that I will have to help dump their cocoons in the boiling water"

  ?" Wy.

  "So they can unwind the silk from the cocoons, but the worms die:"

  Elizabeth frowned a little as she tried to understand why Hannah was upset. "We used worms for bait to catch the fish at home:"

  "But we didn't boil them. It's not right to feed them and pet them and love them and then boil them" Hannah peered up at Elizabeth. "I hid some of the cocoons, but they found them. Sister Willena's face got very red and she wanted to hit me"

  "She didn't?"

  "Sister Nola wouldn't let her. Sister Nola tries to keep me out of trouble:" Hannah looked down at her feet. "Maybe I do have a demon the way they say. Even Sister Nola looks at me as if she sometimes wonders"

  I do not wonder. I know' Elizabeth leaned down to put her face directly in front of Hannah's to be sure Hannah listened to her words. "You do not have a demon. I don't want to hear any more such foolish talk from you;' she said firmly.

  "I know, but I'm not sure that one will not grow within me if we stay in this place:' Hannah looked sad. "The sun was warm on my face today, Elizabeth. Is it not spring yet?"

  Elizabeth hesitated. How could she answer her? But there was only the truth. "It is spring. Today."

  "Then we can leave?" Hope flooded Hannah's face.

  Elizabeth did her best to smile. "In a few days. Let me get things thought out"

  "It is spring" Hannah's tears turned to laughter as she pulled away from Elizabeth to spin away from her down the hill toward Sister Nola. "I must tell Sister Nola. It is spring"

  It was spring. The air was warm. The grass was growing. Soon bees would be flying between the blooms in the herb gardens. But as Elizabeth followed Hannah down the hill, she felt the cold fingers of winter wrapping around her heart. She could not bear to think of what keeping her promise to Hannah might mean.

  The day after they laid Brother Issachar to rest, Ethan went back out to prepare the fields for planting. Brother Martin said he must. Go clear the new fields of rock and brush so they could work the ground, sow the seeds, and enjoy the fruits of their labor.

  That is what a true Believer did. A true Believer continued in his duty to the society as a whole. A true Believer did not dwell in grief. A Believer was already living the heaven life here at Harmony Hill on this side of the divide, so there was no need for great sorrow when one made the crossing over. A Believer did not wallow in self-pity. A Believer put his hands to work and gave his heart to God.

  "I told the Ministry some time back that they were allowing you and Brother Issachar to grow too close. He often spoke as if you were a son instead of a brother. Such worldly relationships can only result in a loss of the peace we seek as Believers" Brother Martin's words had pounded into Ethan's head like a woodpecker's beak into a tree trunk. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Sin, sin, sin. Trespass, trespass, trespass.

  Brother Martin had stayed by his side after the funeral through the hour of rest following the evening meal and during the meeting where they had labored a song for Brother Issachar. It was as if he had a need to encircle Ethan with his reproofs and his instructions. But even as Brother Martin's words pounded into his ears, Ethan heard another voice in his head. Follow your heart. He couldn't do that. He couldn't.

  He knew so little of the world. Unlike Elizabeth who had come from that world not so many months ago and who, according to Brother Martin, refused to surrender her worldly ways. He had roundly condemned her for what he called the unseemly outburst at the graveyard. Ethan had barely noticed. The little sister's heartbroken cries had merely been an echo of the pain in his own heart, and he had longed to know the same comfort her sister's arms surely gave her. Comfort he could never feel. Not in the only world he had ever really known. His comfort would have to come from the Eternal Father and Mother Ann. Brother Martin assured him Mother Ann's love was all he needed. All any of them needed.

  Elizabeth hadn't been allowed to take part in the laboring of the songs at the meeting. Elder Joseph had publicly censored her for not conducting herself with the proper decorum and discipline expected of a Shaker novitiate. He made her stand up in the meeting and ask forgiveness. She seemed to be under an even darker cloud than Ethan as she stood and spoke the required words. Her voice was full of sorrow, but Ethan thought that had little to do with the confession she was making.

  The little sister was also made to stand and confess her wrong. She pulled a long face as she spoke the words, but at the same time her eyes held a twinkle as if at any moment she might spin away in a whirling song of joy. After her confession, Sister Nola rushed her out of the meetinghouse. She wasn't required to sit under the eye of censure all through the meeting as Elizabeth was.

  Elizabeth had not looked his way all evening even though he often sneaked glances toward her. She sat upright on her assigned bench and watched the dancers with an impassive face. No other sister dared take rest beside her.

  Ethan could not stop thinking about how bereft she looked sitting in the midst of the Shakers as they sang the song that begged Mother Ann to drop down balls of her love from heaven into their midst. Many in the assembly trembled and shook with the love they felt falling down on them, while a few of the sisters and brother
s shouted as they fell prostrate on the floor with gifts of the spirit. Ethan had felt nothing. His heart had not been touched by Mother Ann's love.

  Now as Ethan prodded the rocks up out of the ground to carry to the sled to be hauled off the field, he wondered why he was never visited with those sorts of gifts of the spirit. Was it because his spirit was weak? That is what Brother Martin or Elder Joseph would tell him. He could not deny that was true this morning. He wanted nothing more than to walk away from his duty, to go into the woods where he had spent so many days such as this with the spring sunshine warm on his face helping Brother Issachar find the perfect tree for whatever he planned to build next.

  In the woods alone with Brother Issachar he'd never felt any struggling of the spirit. He knew he could ask any question and see no reproof in Brother Issachar's eyes. He had learned about love from him, and now Ethan needed to walk back along the same paths he'd walked with Brother Issachar to seek those answers again. To find the peace he always had there. Brother Issachar told him not to carry guilt for what Hawk Boyd had done, but how could he not? Brother Issachar told him to listen to his heart, but how could he trust what it was telling him?

  He was a Believer. He must act like one. He must do his duty in spite of the fatigue and grief that sat heavy upon him.

  The sun was past noon and they had eaten the meal the sisters packed for them when Ethan caught the toe of his shoe on a root that was partially pulled from the ground as he got ready to place a heavy rock on the sled. He stumbled forward and the rock fell on his left hand. He couldn't bite back his cry of pain as he jerked his fingers free.

  Elder Hanley who had charge of the men in the field frowned at the sight of Ethan's fingers already beginning to swell. "Could be broken," he said.

  "Nay, I don't think so:" Ethan bent his fingers. It hurt, but he could move them. He held his hand straight up in the air to lessen the throbbing in his fingers. "It's not so bad. I can keep working"

  "Nay. Your willingness to continue in your duty is commendable, but a man's hands are vital to his work. For the good of all, we need your fingers to heal properly." The elder looked at Ethan. "There are others to haul the rocks. Go let Sister Lettie put a splint on your hand"

  It was a long walk back across the fields to the Medicine Shop. Sister Lettie shook her head when he showed her his hand. His first two fingers were almost double their size. "You appear to have done a fine job on them, Brother Ethan. A rock, you say."

  "I don't think they are broken;" he said as he let his eyes slide around the room to see if Elizabeth was there, but Sister Lettie was alone.

  "Try making a fist," Sister Lettie instructed. She watched his fingers intently as Ethan curled them in a bit. He could barely move them, but the effort seemed to please Sister Lettie. "The knuckles work. That is good. Give thanks to Mother Ann it wasn't your right hand. There will be some duties you can perform while they heal, although no more rock hauling for a while:"

  She mixed some powders in a basin of cool water and pushed his hand down into it.

  "Soak for a minute while I fashion a splint. That medicinal bath might ease the pain and decrease the swelling:"

  The throbbing did quit pumping through his fingers quite so strongly. Ethan watched Sister Lettie for a minute before he said, "You have no help today. Is Sister Elizabeth ill?"

  He knew it was a question he should not ask even before Sister Lettie turned a considering look on him.

  At first she didn't seem inclined to answer, but then she said, "Nay. I have sent her to harvest some roots for our tonics. My knees are getting too old to do the bending and digging. Plus she needed some time alone to think about her behavior among us." Her eyes narrowed on him. "Perhaps you have need to examine your own thoughts, Brother Ethan"

  "Yea, Sister Lettie" He stared down at his hand in the water. "I have much need"

  The silence that fell over the room thumped against his ears as painfully as the blood thumping through his injured fingers. He could feel her eyes probing him.

  At last she sighed deeply and said, "You have been through a great deal, Brother Ethan. Your spirit is vulnerable now with the hurt you feel over the loss of Brother Issachar. It would be wise for you to vow not to do anything rash during this time of weakness. Your spirit will surely heal the same as your fingers, so don't throw away a lifetime of peace for a few moments of worldly temptations'

  Ethan looked up at her. "Would you tell me to follow my heart?"

  "Your heart?" She smiled the barest bit. "Nay, better to listen to the spirit in you that led you to sign the Covenant:"

  "Yea, you speak wisdom"

  'As would Brother Issachar if he were still here' She pulled Ethan's hand out of the water and gently dried his fingers before she began binding his hand to the splint.

  She sent him out to rest until the evening meal. "Tomorrow you will have a new duty that you can accomplish with only one available wing. But today you have need of rest"

  He left the Medicine Shop and started down the pathway toward his room in the Centre House to do her bidding, but when he reached the steps of the white stone building, he walked past without hesitation. He needed Brother Issachar's trees around him. He needed to see the river from atop the palisades. He needed time to grieve and to remember. Else he was going to be so soul-sick he would be of no use to anyone.

  Elizabeth breathed in the smell of spring among the trees and accepted the warmth of the sun on her shoulders. She had not bothered with a cape even though the morning air had carried a slight chill. The sleeves of her Shaker dress were long and the kerchief across her shoulders was like wearing a wrap. She touched her cap. It would be heaven to strip off the worrisome thing and let her hair hang free, but she had already broken enough Shaker rules for one week.

  And soon enough the dress and cap would be gone. She wondered if the Shakers had kept the dress she'd worn into the village. Would they insist she leave as she'd come even though the dress was ragged and torn? She could not imagine them letting her leave with a Shaker dress. All such were owned in common. One's soiled dress went to the laundry. Another dress took its place. One put no mark of ownership on anything.

  But then again, the Shakers might be so anxious to be rid of Elizabeth and the trouble she seemed to bring into their midst that they would shove her out of the village with no worry about the loss of one dress.

  Sister Lettie said that Elizabeth was forgiven. That once confession had been made in the meeting, she had a fresh start. But that morning as they knelt for their silent prayers in the biting room and sat down to breakfast, Sister Ruth had looked anything but forgiving as she glared across the table at Elizabeth with eyes narrowed to slits and her mouth twisted in a tight circle of disapproval. Sister Melva had kept her eyes on her plate while she dutifully shoveled the food into her mouth to Shaker her plate.

  Sister Evelyn, a new novitiate who had just been joined to their group of four, didn't seem to know what to think as a worried frown creased her brow. Elizabeth could sense the questions in the new sister's mind as she looked between them, but no speaking was allowed in the biting room. It didn't matter. Elizabeth had no answers for her. She didn't even have any answers for herself.

  Except that she would keep her promise to Hannah. Whatever answer she had to find, they would leave the Shakers before the week was out. She was only delaying their weeping in order to gather the courage for what must be done. She had need of much courage for she saw no choice but Colton Linley.

  She hadn't told Sister Lettie she was leaving, but she thought the good sister knew. That was why she had sent her out into the woods to gather roots. She claimed it was because of the spring season when the roots were beginning their growth. Sister Lettie said their healing power was more potent then. But Elizabeth thought it was really because she hoped Elizabeth would find peace for her spirit and choose to stay in the village.

  "You have a gift for mixing the potions, Sister Elizabeth, and a comforting healing touch. If
you can only settle your troubled spirit, I could apprentice you to take my place here;' Sister Lettie had told her that morning as Elizabeth gathered the digging tools and tied the sack for the roots to her apron. "I'm growing old, and it won't be so many years until I follow our Brother Issachar over. It would be good to leave my sisters and brothers in capable hands"

  "If only that could be, I would like that, Sister Lettie. You have taught me much:"

  "It could be if you will let it be, my child" Sister Lettie said the words, but the doubt had been evident in her eyes that it would ever happen. "Young Sister Hannah will learn more control as she ages. She will understand your need to remain here and perhaps, in time, rejoice in that decision:"

  "Yea, that could be," Elizabeth had said even though she knew it could not. For while she might like to work with Sister Lettie a little longer, Elizabeth knew that no matter how much she tried, her spirit would never turn completely to the Shaker way. She wanted to marry, to have children, to live the world's way. A way that she didn't feel was contrary to the Lord's will for her life, as the Shakers believed. The only thing contrary that pierced her heart was the thought of living that life with Colton Linley.

  She would not think of that yet. Not until her feet were walking up to his door to beg for shelter for her and Hannah. And even then perhaps she could block it away. She could go through the motions, be the wife he wanted, and somehow find a way to get joy out of each day. She would have children. He had picked her for childbearing. She would love her babies in spite of their father.

  She spotted a ginger plant just pushing through the rich earth and knelt to dig out its roots. She took one root and left the other for the plant to regenerate. Her mother had taught her that. Never take it all. Leave some for the years to come.