by Hart, Eve R.
“So you were like a rich kid then?”
“No,” he said with a chuckle. “Quite the opposite, actually.”
“Really?”
“That surprises you?”
“I mean…” I said with a little shrug. “You seem so put together.”
“I grew up having to fight to survive. The neighborhood where I lived, well, it made you hard even before you were a man.”
I tried to picture it, but I had to admit it was hard.
Something inside me melted. This man wasn’t really all that different from me. He could have gone in so many directions but he’d worked hard and pulled himself up and out. He’d made a better life for himself.
Really, that was the exact same thing I’d been trying to do all my life. It seemed like I was always jumping from the frying pan into the fire though. Running from one bad situation only to thrust myself into something equally as harmful.
My fingers drifted over his face as I tried to see him like that. A hard little boy. It was kind of weird to picture but if you looked deep into his eyes, you could see it there. The knowledge of a life that wasn’t so easy. The scars might not have been visible to most but I recognized them. Could he see the same thing in my eyes? Is that why I’d been so drawn to him? I could question it all day but I didn’t want to. I wanted to know the man he was now because this was what he tried so hard to make himself be. This was the life that he’d dreamed of and found a way to make it a reality. I guess that was all I’d ever wanted for myself. I was still a work in progress though.
As I breathed in his scent deeply, I felt like I was a few steps closer to that life where I would wake up every day smiling.
I really believed that he could be the beginning of something great, to a life where I was happily settled and content. One where I got to see my dreams come true in vivid colors. And it wasn’t because he had money and could take care of me no matter what I needed. He would, I knew that, but he also knew that wasn’t the thing that I needed most. I wanted and deserved someone that would be there for me. That would love me for the broken girl inside of me and the woman I strived to be.
I didn’t normally talk about my past. It wasn’t pretty and no one needed to be brought down with that kind of thing. And typically, when people found out about it, they looked at me differently. I didn’t feel like that with Ray. He wouldn’t judge me and it wouldn’t change the way he felt. Some part of me believed that he already had some clue. Like he could see that thing in me that I saw in him.
“There wasn’t much good about my childhood either,” I told him softly.
Nothing really. Just a handful of months that I tried my hardest not to think about now. It hurt too much. The people that I had to leave behind. The family that I always wished was really mine. The days I cried after I ran. I didn’t want to go. I had to. I hoped they understood just how much they meant to me. That if I had a choice I would have stayed. The three of them almost made it worth all the abuse and neglect I had to put up with. And I knew that if they could have saved me, they would have. The thing was, we were all in the same boat— doing the best we could to make it to the next day.
I always wanted a mother that cared about me. One that would bake cookies if I was having a bad day. One that would tuck me in at night with a story. What I got was one that was usually passed out by the time I went to bed. I always swore that if I had kids, I’d be the mother I always wanted.
That thought led me back to the present. I’d want my kids to have a man worthy of getting that world’s best dad coffee cup. When I looked at Ray, I could see that in him. He was sweet and never raised his voice to me. He was caring and paid attention to the little things. Yeah, I might have gone all mushy right now with all the thoughts running through my head.
I didn’t dare bring it up though. It was still too early for that.
“We can’t erase our past but we can make the best of the future,” he said after a long moment had slipped by.
“True,” I said with a soft sigh.
Maybe part of me wanted to know how he’d found his way out. Then again, part of me knew some things were best left alone. This was the man I knew and I was starting to love him for who he was now. It wasn’t like any of it mattered anyway.
I let myself drift off, trying my hardest to let the past stay where it belonged.
I woke to an empty bed but I didn’t feel alone.
Because when he wasn’t here with me he was still here. I still felt him when he was gone and how much he cared about me. So I took all the moments I got because they were mine. He carved out time for me and I could see how much that time meant to him.
I wished that I could have sent him off with a kiss and a smile. I’d do anything to make his day better. From the tension he’d held in his shoulders last night, he already knew today wasn’t going to be good even before it came. I almost sent him a text to let him know I was thinking about him in hopes that it would make him smile, but then thought better of it. If he was deep in work mode, the last thing he needed was me trying to distract him.
For some strange reason, I had this strong urge to find something good that came before him. I wanted to think about the things that had made me happy. Like really, truly happy. I found myself pulling the small box out of the back of my closet not long after that. With my coffee in hand, I tucked myself into the corner of the couch.
I pulled out the small stack of photos I had gathered over the years.
Club life wasn’t all that easy but honestly, it was the easiest I’d ever had it. I wouldn’t say that some of the things that went on there didn’t bother me. I think you’d have to have no soul for them not to. But I understood the reasons for all the death and violence. It was the reasons behind it that kept me locked there so long. That hardcore loyalty to one another. They’d die for their family. They’d get revenge and they’d do everything they could to keep everyone safe. I might have been on the outer rim of that but I was still a part of it. I knew they all cared for me in their own way more than just a warm body. I wasn’t sure if I would have said the same went for any of the other club girls though. Maybe it was because I’d been there so long.
Before that, well, I would have said I spent most of my life just trying to survive. Somehow I did. I was here after all.
Ray and I might not have known that much about each other but I knew enough. I knew him now and that was all I really could have asked for. He was truthful with me even if he didn’t like to talk about his work stuff. I supposed I should have been over the moon about that. Here was a man wanting to spend time with me and not have the outer world interfere. And sometimes it was the unsaid things that were more important.
With a sigh, I tucked the pictures back where they belonged. Sometimes, it was hard to remember the reasons why I’d left. I had friends back there. I had girls that wanted to be my friend, despite the fact that I had… well, slept with their men. I mean, that was before they came along. But still, I understood that it couldn’t have been an easy thing to think about. But they had treated me with kindness and love. I hoped that they knew our friendship was real and that I’d do anything for them. I started to think that I’d done this all wrong. I owed them a call. And I swore I’d do it, but I needed a little more time.
I felt restless and had the urge to get out of the condo. Sitting around would only make me spiral down into the pit of sadness. I wasn’t one for pity parties.
Since I had a little money put aside, I figured I might go shopping. I could definitely use some new clothes. And maybe I could pick up a few things for the condo. I hadn’t been here all that long but I had yet to place any of my personal touches around. I had a closet all to myself and a dresser too, now it was time to spread myself out of the bedroom. I knew he wouldn’t mind.
I started to wonder if Ray was the type of man that would even notice something like that. Would a few decorative pillows catch his attention? Or some candles sporadically placed all over the living room? Hmmm. Well, I was
going to find out, that was for sure.
I hit the closest home store. I said I was going to get clothes but once the idea was in my head, I decided to start with the decorating.
One thing I realized pretty quickly was that shopping alone sucked. I didn’t have anyone around to ask their opinion of something. Like was this table lamp a little too much? Or how about this weird orb thing as a table centerpiece? And since I was never really good with putting colors together, I knew the things I’d picked out were going to make the living room look like a rainbow had thrown up everywhere.
With a shrug, I carried on to the checkout. If it didn’t work out then I could just return it.
I loaded up my car and carried on with my shopping. Let me just say, I didn’t like the clothing places that were close by. I tried, I did, but the moment I walked in I was hit with a frozen feeling. I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford a button, let alone an entire outfit. And the women working there knew it. It was clear as day in their face. So as quickly as I walked in, I walked out. It took me three stores to realize that I would definitely not be shopping in this area. I shouldn’t have expected anything different though. It wasn’t like Ray lived on the cheap side of the city. I didn’t even want to think about how much his condo had set him back. Or all those pristine suits in his closet.
Exhausted and lonely, I gave up on shopping.
I might have gotten a little more than I’d meant to and only realized it when I’d gotten back to the parking deck and attempted to get it all out in one trip.
“Oh, let me help, dear,” Miss Grace said in a sweet voice.
“Are you on your way out?” I asked because she looked like she was headed to her car with her driver in tow. “I think I might have it, I don’t want to disturb your day.”
“Nonsense,” she said with a slice of her hand through the air like I was being ridiculous. “You always help me carry my stuff up, it’s time I return the favor.”
I smiled and told her thank you. The lady was sweet but also had a sharpness about her that made me smile.
She grabbed a few bags and helped me get them onto the elevator and I told her I had it from here.
A few hours later, I had a glass of wine in my hand as I was looking over my not-so-horrible decorating. I mean, there were pops of color everywhere but I felt like it worked. I was suddenly excited for Ray to get home. I really hoped he didn’t hate it.
Only, I wouldn’t know that night. Because a few hours later, he sent me a text saying he wouldn’t be back for a few days.
I was disappointed but I knew that sometimes things were just that way. I figured he ended up having to leave the city to check on something, and that it had turned into an even bigger mess than he anticipated. It was clear that he knew he was headed into something that wouldn’t be easy. I’d hoped he’d be able to wrap it up quickly, and I could tell he was thinking the same thing as well. But sometimes things just didn’t work out the way you hoped they would.
My gut clenched tight and it was like something suddenly hit me hard.
A text.
It was always a text.
I couldn’t think of a single time that he’d actually called me. Not one time that I’d heard his voice over the phone. Texting was such a normal thing that I never really thought about it before now. But that boulder that was currently tumbling around in my stomach like it was in a washing machine was hard to ignore.
I’d survived by being in tune with my instincts.
So the last thing I should have done now was stop paying attention to it.
I just couldn’t put my finger on what was off.
But I knew there was something.
-5-
Silas
Life as a contract killer could be kind of lonely.
It wasn’t like I could go around telling people what I did for a living. And since I wasn’t one to hide the kind of money I made, the questions always came sooner rather than later.
I drove nice cars. I had decent houses all over. Though, I’d tell you my favorite was the cabin in the middle of nowhere. It was quiet. Perhaps I liked the quiet more than I’d like to admit. That wasn’t to say that being in the city didn’t have its perks. Maid service, for one. And the cooking thing, yeah, I could do it, but most of the time it was more like I just didn’t want to. And in the city, there wasn’t a chance to be bored and if you felt lonely, you could fix that real quick.
As nice as it was, I never lasted long in the city. It didn’t matter which one it was. Two weeks was usually my max and if I didn’t have a job, I was making my way to the cabin.
Standing in my downtown condo in Seattle, I stared out the window. I was resisting the urge to pack my bag and take off. Why have all of these things if I didn’t use them? Because I could. But that didn’t seem like a good enough answer.
I pulled out my phone and called the one asshole that I knew was just as lonely as me and just as likely to admit it out loud.
“What do you want?” he asked as a greeting.
“Something…” I said with a smirk. He couldn’t see it but I knew he heard it.
“I’m busy,” he grunted.
“Let me guess… hunting something?”
I could practically hear him rolling his eyes at me through the phone.
“Don’t you have someone to kill?”
“Not at the moment, no,” I said with a short laugh. Maybe I was a little bored. “Hey, you remember that time in—”
“No,” he said cutting me off. “No, I don’t remember that time in wherever and no, I don’t want to talk about it right now. Just spit it out, will you?”
I let out a long sigh.
“I need your services,” I finally said as I walked over and lowered myself down to the couch. Her picture was right there sitting on top of the glass coffee table.
I could actually hear him stop whatever he was doing. I could even picture him freezing in the very spot he was standing in.
“This is,” he paused and I could tell he had my number, “personal.”
I didn’t say anything because he wasn’t really asking me a question.
From time-to-time, I would get stuck on a job. It rarely happened though because I was good. But when that obstacle was thrown in my way, I turned to him and he always came through for me. Okay, and maybe I had to admit that sometimes I just didn’t want to do the legwork and didn’t mind paying to have him take care of it for me. I wouldn’t have said I was lazy, but that was because I didn’t want to admit such a thing if it was true. Honestly, I generally just wanted to get a job done. I didn’t waste time with all that other shit. It was bad enough with all the things I had to do in order to take out a target. I could sit still and have patience but for the most part, I didn’t like to.
It seemed that he could tell this time was different. Perhaps it was my tone and the fact that I didn’t get down to business right away.
“Yes,” I said not even trying to lie to him. “Are you going to take the job or not?”
It was a big deal. I knew it. He fucking knew it. But thank fuck The Hunter wasn’t the type of person to rub that shit in my face.
“I’m on a job. Send me what you have and I’ll get to it next.”
“Thanks. I… really appreciate it.”
He grunted then the line went dead. I expected nothing less from him.
I was about to set my phone down when it started ringing.
Irenna.
A smile crawled across my face when I saw my sister’s name pop up on the screen.
“Hey, sis,” I said answering with a jovial tone.
It wasn’t fake. She always did that to me.
I had an amazing family. I got really lucky in that department. Though times weren’t the greatest growing up, Mom always tried her best. Hell, she worked two jobs just to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. And she never complained about it. Even when she came home completely exhausted, she made sure to spend time with us. I kind of grew u
p fast, being the man of the house at twelve, that was. I had fond memories of Dad too, but they were cut short because, you know, life sometimes just happened. Like an unexpected heart attack.
“When are you coming for a visit?” she asked right away causing me to let out a little laugh. She missed me. But who could blame her?
“Soon,” I told her as an elusive promise.
It wasn’t that I was trying to avoid her. It was that I always felt like I was lying when I saw my family. Well, I was. She didn’t know what I did. She thought I had some upscale job in an office and a fancy jet that I hopped on at least once a week to zip off and do business deals and whatnot. I’d talked circles around what my actual fake job was and she knew enough by now that I was an important man at this company that didn’t exist. And I’d done the same with my mom. At this point, they’d stopped asking questions.
I didn’t dare tell them who I really was. It would break Mom’s heart to know the kind of man her son had turned into. As for my sister, all I could say was that she put me on a pedestal that was far too high. I didn’t want to take a nosedive off of it, that was for sure. Not to mention that it would probably make them sick to know where that money came from. You know, the money that I was constantly sending to them so they didn’t have to have a hard time of it.
I wouldn’t lie, the money was a big factor in why I kept doing this. And it wasn’t just because I liked it for myself. I liked knowing that Mom wouldn’t ever have to think about working another day in her life. Now she could sit back, enjoy the world around her, and watch her grandchildren grow up. That would be my sister’s kids. I didn’t have any yet, thank God. It wasn’t really in my future plans. Or rather, I wouldn’t let myself think of a life like that. Because I was a killer. I did it for a paycheck. And while I had rules I followed and contracts I wouldn’t take on, I still got paid to take out a life. In my mind, a man like me could never make a good father.
Then again, maybe not having a reaction to blood and broken bone bits made me perfect father material. I certainly wouldn’t panic if the kid got a cut or even a broken arm.
