Personal Demons

by Rachel A. Collett

  “No,” he quickly interjected. “I don’t need anything else right now. This will do just fine.” He gestured to the can of soda. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said brightly, adjusting myself into a comfortable position in my chair. “So I thought I would tell you a little bit about myself. I’ve had a rather unfair advantage of getting to know you without your knowledge, or permission. You, on the other hand, have really no idea who I am.”

  One eyebrow raised. “I know you a lot better than you think,” he growled.

  “Really? I guess I may have rambled a bit.” He was watching me with a hard expression, eyebrow’s pinched together. My heart dropped. I didn’t know those eyes. I looked down at my hands so he couldn’t see the hurt in my own. “So what do you know about me? What do you remember?”

  “You like to read,” he grumbled.

  I took a deep breath and tried to smile. “Yes. Do you remember me reading to you?”

  “A little.” He rested his head back before continuing. “You like the classics. Jane Austen is your favorite author.” I didn’t remember mentioning that to him but it didn’t surprise me entirely.

  “How did you know that?” He ignored my question, but continued to answer the first.

  “I know that you prefer not to wear jewelry. Only a single chain that belonged to your mother. You hate shopping and prefer t-shirts and jeans.” He took a moment to glance over my chosen ensemble for the day as if to prove that he was correct. “I know the last movie you went to see with Ian. I know you love school and that you change your major almost every semester. You’re a straight-A student. Slightly obsessive-compulsive. A perfectionist and a worrier. I know you’re hardheaded and passionate. Tough when it comes to some things, but a pansy when it comes to others. Oh, and your dad is one of the most controlling fathers I have ever heard of.”

  “He is not controlling,” I lied, “and what makes you think you know all this?”

  “What makes you think that’s all I know about you?”

  “Well, I had no idea you even knew this much. I guess I could be flattered in a way.”

  “Don’t be.”

  My smile faltered. Ben winced then closed his eyes and turned his head away.

  “What’s wrong, Ben? Did Ian tell you all of this? I get that you’re probably upset. I…”

  “Upset? You think that’s it? That I’m probably upset?” His raised voice pulsated through my body, causing my own anger to spike like daggers.

  “I was told you had a bad night. Was it a dream? I can help you with that—I grew up having horrible dreams all my life.”

  He was slow to answer. “It’s about a lot of things, but I don’t really want to discuss it right now.”

  I nodded my head in agreement. “You know what? That’s fine. I should go. It’s apparent that being here is not helpful.” I got up to leave.

  “Wait, Sarah.” Benjamin’s words were pained. I could hear him as he tried to shift in his bed. I continued to gather my things. “Dang it, come on. Don’t go. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a jerk. I…”

  “A jerk?” I turned, glaring at him.

  “Sarah, please.” He whispered my name so gently that I froze. “I’m just so angry all of the time. I feel it growing inside of me, trying to take over.”

  “Ben, it’s obvious that there is something you need to discuss with someone, and I really doubt that person should be me.”

  “You’re right. You have enough to deal with. Anything I could confide would just be an added burden you don’t need.” He shifted his body again, but this time the movement brought him pain. He winced and then exhaled slowly.

  I couldn’t ignore that even if I wanted to. I turned to look at him. “Dang it, Ben. What can I do for you?”

  “You can come and sit by me again. I promise to behave.”

  “But you’re in pain.”

  “I’m just stiff from sitting for over a month. Please.” He looked at me with such pleading that my anger melted immediately. I heaved a heavy sigh and slowly made my way back to sit in the chair next to him. We didn’t talk to each other for a while. I broke eye contact and let my gaze fall to my lap.

  “You’ve never been a burden to me,” I confessed, hating the blush that glowed red on my cheeks.

  “Thank you,” he returned softly. “Forgive me if I have a hard time believing that. I’m just glad that you’re here.”

  “Why don’t you let me do something for you? Please let me call the nurse for some pain medicine.”

  “No, whatever it is, it will just knock me back out, and I don’t want that to happen right now.” His tone turned sour. He realized this and closed his eyes in a visual effort to calm down and work through the pain.

  I looked down at my hands again.

  “Are you okay?” he asked nervously.

  I shrugged. “I just want to be able to help, but you’re making me feel so useless.”

  “Then you do understand what I’m going through. At least to a certain extent.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I shouldn’t be here in this bed. I should be up and doing. I was unable to do anything to save Ian. I don’t even remember what happened in the car! I can’t provide anyone with any information as to what happened to cause the accident. Do you know how frustrating that is? Do you have any idea how much it killed me learning that my mother was allowed to see me like this? Look at me.”

  I was looking at him.

  “No one should ever see me like this,” he said.

  “It doesn’t make anyone think less of you. No one sees you as weak because of this.”

  “Maybe not, but I’m still not used to being taken care of. I’m not used to being the one in need of help, and I hate it.”

  I placed my hand on his arm.

  He smiled weakly then took a deep breath then let it out in a loud huff. “I was in the military for heaven’s sake.”

  “Really?”

  “The top of my class in survival training. I played forward for my college basketball team, was number two in my boxing circuit.”

  “Who was number one?” I asked, trying not to laugh.

  “I’ve never broken a single bone in my body up until now,” he continued.

  “But who was number one in boxing?”

  For a moment he sat staring at me, then his mouth twisted to the side. “My little brother, David.”

  I inhaled sharply in mock surprise. “You let your little brother beat you in boxing?”

  He laughed once, a short burst of air. “Gave me a busted lip too.” He smiled and pointed to a small white line on the bottom of his lip.

  “By the look of it, you barely made it out alive.” I clicked my tongue. “Split lip, please. I’ve had much worse.”

  “Yes, Ian told me you liked to box with your dad. He thought you were being abused when he first met you.”

  I blushed crimson and sat up straight, readying myself to once again defend my dad and his actions.

  “But then again, you don’t get good unless you fight someone better than you, right? Thank you for listening.” He shifted yet again. I could tell he was trying not to make a face as the pain came with every move he made.

  “That’s what friends are for, right?” I said, relieved when Nurse Angela poked her head into the room. She proceeded to check his vitals, giving me a reason to leave.

  “I guess,” he said.

  12

  Formally Discharged

  The fall semester had finally come to a close, giving me the much-longed-for opportunity of spending my time any way I desired. Ben’s mother, Judi, was able to reunite again with her son, and sooner than I was ready for, Benjamin’s release date came. All three of us met the night before his release to discuss the plans for the following day. I offered to drive Ben home so that Judi and Cheryl could clean his house and stock his kitchen with unspoiled food. Then we left Benjamin to rest up by himself.

  Needing to work off some
extra energy before bed, I decided to go for a jog. As I ran, I tried to take a closer look at my early friendship with Benjamin, and even Jonathan, but couldn’t get far enough to understand either relationship. Did I know Benjamin well enough to have any genuine affection for him? Was genuine affection even possible with a man like Jonathan? Was this something I should have to guess at?

  I shook my head, realizing I was at a stand-still: too confused about my own feelings and even more unsure of what I meant to either of them. I had a strange feeling that tomorrow would be pivotal.

  I rounded the corner of Cheryl’s street. It had been an unhurried, casual run, not at all what I had intended, but the cold, crisp evening felt good against my face and bare legs. I hugged my light blue jacket tighter to my upper body, enjoying the softness of the fabric.

  As I glanced ahead toward Cheryl’s house, I caught movement near the tree in front of the house. A shadow flitted out of sight. I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to focus in on the darkness. My chest squeezed tight, causing my heart to thrum out a painful, uneven cadence. I had a feeling that it was more than just a shadow. Something was there, and it was there for me, and I was unarmed.

  Trust your instincts, came my dad’s voice.

  Just as I was about to run in the opposite direction, a car turned down the street, its beams lighting the darkness around me. I ran toward the car, deciding that if it didn’t stop I’d force it to by throwing myself in front of its path, but I found the action unnecessary. The car turned only a few yards in front of me and I immediately recognized it as Cheryl’s car as it pulled into the drive.

  With the yard lit up by her headlights, I quickly scanned the area where I’d seen the shadow and found nothing, but I couldn’t quite dispatch my intense apprehension. I would berate myself for my cowardice after Cheryl was safely inside that house and after I checked the grounds.

  Cheryl was already out of her car by the time I finished sprinting to the back door. “You went for a run tonight?”

  “Sort of,” I panted, trying to steady my breath as I pushed the remote to shut the garage.

  “I should start running with you. I think it would be good for me,” Cheryl said. She passed me and walked into the house.

  “Tonight was more of a light jog, but that would be cool,” I said as I followed her inside.

  I paused in the kitchen and waited until Cheryl disappeared down the hallway, then went to retrieve my knife. My mind raced over a quick plan to catch the intruder. I couldn’t just walk out the front door. If there was someone out there waiting, I would been seen and they would either flee, or attack.

  I quietly exited through the backyard door. Moving swiftly, I scaled the fence using the east side of the home to conceal me from the location where I had spied the shadow. I landed on the other side and immediately shifted into a low crouch. Easing my way along the house, I peeked around the corner, partly concealed by growing ivy. And then I saw it.

  A large figure in black, too hulking to be a woman, emerged from the shadows of the front yard tree and darted stealthily toward my bedroom window. He paused just beneath, his head concealed by a hoodie pulled tightly around his face. I gentry released my knife open; the steel shone in the moonlight, giving me strength. I adjusted my grip on the molded rubber and prepared to attack.

  The intruder pulled a drawstring pack from his back and noiselessly rifled through its contents. Seizing the opportunity, I inched my way beyond the protection of my hiding spot and crept up behind the prowler.

  Figuring I couldn’t overpower him, I grasped the top of his hoodie and yanked back hard. Sweeping my knife under his chin, I pressed the sharpened blade against the exposed soft skin of his neck. The intruder hissed out a breath, and then he laughed, his Adam’s apple grazing the blade, drawing a bit of blood.

  Recognition dawned.

  “You think this is funny?” I asked, my voice deadly calm. “Why are you on this property lurking like some criminal?”

  “You think this is the first time I’ve done this? You’ve become too trusting, Sarah. That’s a weakness. I didn’t teach my daughter to be weak,” my dad said.

  “But apparently I am aware enough to catch you sneaking, and able get close enough to kill you. So who’s the weak one now, old man?”

  He raised his hands in defeat. I released the pressure from off his neck, but kept my knife at the ready. I withdrew several steps, allowing him to pass by.

  He slowly stood. Keeping his sight on my weapon, he retreated.

  “I’ll be back again, Sarah. Keep your guard up.”

  “Will do.” I nodded to him. “You creepy old man,” I muttered under my breath.

  Despite the fact he was my dad, I had always been a little afraid of him, and tonight was only a small reminder of just why I had developed that fear.

  The bottle of over-the-counter sleeping pills located in Cheryl’s medicine cabinet was calling to me. I knew that after the evening’s attack I would be imagining intruders all night, so I justified its use and gulped one down with a glass of water then headed to bed.

  Jonathan was waiting for me as usual. We sat together at the edge of a very steep cliff at the exact spot my dad had taken me hiking several times. At the top of one of my favorite scenic trails up the side of the Superstition Mountains, the valley below spread as far as I could see. The desert landscape blended together in magnificent shades of orange, red, yellow, light-green, and brown. There were no homes or cars to litter the view and no other signs of movement except wildlife.

  I looked over at Jonathan and waited for the onslaught of questions that typically came with each of these dreams, but this time he sat as serene as the picture surrounding us. His face was calm and his eyes calculating, almost as if he too waited to see just what tomorrow would bring. A few peaceful hours crawled by, or so it seemed. When the final rays of sun crept over the horizon, I turned once more to Jonathan. His face was still calm, but I could see a worry line start to creep between his brows. He looked over at me, searching my face as I studied his. Then rather unexpectedly, Jonathan put his hands on the ground next to him and, without any warning, without any sound, he pushed himself off the mountain edge and fell completely out of sight.

  I screamed, jerked myself into an upright position in my bed, and looked around the room for him. I groaned. You did that on purpose, Jonathan. I put my hand over my heart and flopped back down on the bed.

  “Ugh!” I flung out my arms theatrically. “He’s so dramatic!”

  I looked over at my clock, which was set to go off in a few minutes, and turned if off before it could give me another heart attack. I groaned. In a little over an hour, I would leave to pick up Ben from the hospital. I grabbed clothes from my closet and headed for the bathroom.

  I arrived at the hospital about fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. As I got closer to Benjamin’s room, I could hear voices. Judi was there. At first I was relieved, but her tone made me realize their conversation was meant to be private. I slowed to a stop just outside the door, unsure what I should do.

  “Maybe you should come back home, Ben.”

  I heard Benjamin’s short laugh then a pause. “Are you joking? Mom, I’m twenty-five. I’m not moving back home just because I had an accident.”

  “But Christmas is in a few days. You could fly out and spend the holidays with us. The girls haven’t seen you in months.”

  His voice softened, and I strained to hear him. “I know. Of course I miss them, especially Grace, but I don’t want them seeing me like this.”

  “But who’s going to take care of you until then?”

  “Who will take care of me? Oh come on, Mom. When did you begin to coddle your children? Where is the rough and tough woman who raised me? I’ve never heard her talk this way.”

  “That woman had never almost lost a child!” she snapped back angrily, a bit of hysteria in her voice.

  Benjamin’s delayed response was gentle. “I’m sorry.”

  “What wil
l you do if you need help? Will you call Sarah?”

  My breath caught in my throat.

  “I…” He hesitated. “No. I don’t think so.”

  My mouth dropped open.

  “Why not?” Judi sounded as offended as I felt hurt. “She’s our friend.”

  “She’s your friend.”

  I heard her chair scrape out from underneath her. “Fine. I’ll see you later. Be sure to give my love to Sarah when you see her,” she added in a clipped tone.

  I quickly ducked into a nearby restroom to avoid running into Judi. After quietly shutting the door behind me, I walked straight over to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror.

  So that was it. Benjamin had made the ultimate decision, and our friendship was over before it could even begin. I wanted to laugh at my idiotic assumption that there was even an option to choose from. Embarrassment twisted at my gut and caused ugly red blotches to form on my cheeks. Whatever I thought was there, the aftermath sucked. No one should ever go through this type of rejection. No one should ever have to feel this awful…

  “Oh!” I huffed. But it made sense. Reality finally hit, and I understood why this had happened. I deserved this. This was karma in all its glory coming to take its revenge. Ian had loved me so strongly, so completely, but it wasn’t the same for me. And while I wasn’t in love with Benjamin, it was still a rejected friendship. At least Benjamin had the guts to end it sooner rather than later, unlike me.

  “Payback’s a bitch.”

  After splashing cool water on my face, I dried it on rough paper towels, not caring at all how they scraped my skin and turned it an even brighter shade of red.

  Seeing Jonathan didn’t even bother me. As I walked out of the bathroom, I didn’t avoid his gaze as he came toward me.

  “I can’t tell you how happy I am that Ben will be discharged.” And then he grinned. “What a great day this must be for everyone.”

  Stunned by his evident cheer, I nodded my head for lack of words.

  He seemed truly pleased until he noticed my haggard appearance. “You don’t look so good, Sarah. Are you alright?” There was such alarm in his voice, I could almost believe he cared.