Personal Demons

by Rachel A. Collett

  “I’ve had better mornings, Jon.”

  “I can see that. I would offer to take you for a drink, but I know—”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “What?”

  “I would love a drink, Jonathan, and I know just the spot. Meet me downstairs. I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

  Without waiting for a response, I walked back toward the nurses’ station. Jonathan had already disappeared by the time I looked back. Nurse Angela was walking out of a patient’s room when she spotted me. I waved her over

  “Hey girl! Are you all set to take Benny home?”

  “Just about. Listen, I need to talk to someone for a bit. I’m a little early anyways. If Benjamin asks, please tell him I’ll be here soon.”

  “Okay, but where are you going?”

  “I’m just grabbing a quick drink with—with a friend.”

  “A friend?” She batted her lashes, pursing her lips together. “And just who is this friend?”

  “It’s not like that at all,” I laughed. “It’s just Jonathan.”

  Her face froze, her brows pinching together. “Jonathan? Is he here?” I nodded as she urgently pulled me away from the crowded desk.

  “Of course he is.”

  “Dang it.” She leaned over closer to my ear. “You keep him away from here, do you hear?”

  “Wait, what do you mean? He just came from this direction.”

  “He better not have. I’d have him escorted out of here the moment I set sight on him, and I bet he knows it. I haven’t seen him since before Ben’s mom arrived, and I sure as heck haven’t seen him since he took advantage of my girl, Lori.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. He never leaves. He’s been here, talking to me, sitting right over there in that corner every single day.” I pointed to his usual chair in the waiting room.

  Angela followed where I indicated but shook her head. “Well then he’s a damn ghost, darling, or he will be if I ever get my hands on him.” She put her fists on her hips. “You stay far away from him,” she warned. “Jonathan is not your friend; I can promise you that.” And with that, she spun on her heels and walked away.

  “Jonathan,” I growled, pinching the bridge of my nose and taking a deep breath. What had started off as a minor headache had turned into a nasty migraine thanks to that man. My day had gone from bad to worse, and even though I couldn’t fault him for the most painful part, I sure as heck could blame him for the rest.

  Despite the warning from Angela, a few minutes later I was sitting across a table from Jonathan. His grin had dissolved into a scowl as he gingerly took the chair opposite me.

  “The hospital cafeteria is not what I had in mind,” he said tersely. “And this is most certainly not my definition of a drink.” He looked down at his beverage as if it had personally offended him, and I nearly laughed as I threw two Ibuprofen into my mouth.

  “That doesn’t surprise me,” I said, speaking around the pills and taking a drink of my soda. I gently set my cup down and leaned back in my chair.

  Jonathan crossed his arms over his chest, his muscles defined through his grey cardigan.

  “Well, what did you have in mind?” I asked

  He laughed, looking around him in revulsion. “Anywhere would have be better than here. This room is full of sickness, disease, and half-dying people.” He shook his head, putting up his hands as if too appalled to touch the table our drinks sat upon.

  I was glad he was in such a foul mood. It would make what I had to do a lot easier.

  “I could have taken you anywhere,” he said. He pushed his drink away from him with only his index finger.

  I couldn’t help but guffaw. “Oh my, what a snob you are. Is that why everyone’s mad at you?”

  “What are you talking about?” His voice was clipped.

  “I ran into Angela on the way here. Apparently, you have been making yourself sparse around the ladies at the nurses’ station.”

  “That is ridiculous.” He said the words slowly as if speaking to someone incredibly dense.

  “Is it? To me it sounded as if you took advantage of a sweet girl, and now you’re hiding from her.”

  “Oh, please,” he scoffed. “She took interest. I took her out. She got crazy. I lost her number. If anything, I was the one taken advantage of.”

  “I have a hard time believing that.” My gaze narrowed at him.

  “Of course you do,” he mumbled.

  “Angela says you haven’t been here since before Ben’s parents came down, which is odd to me since I’ve seen you almost every time I’ve been here. She called you a ghost.”

  Jonathan’s lips pulled up in the corners. He turned to watch someone looking for a place to sit. As they moved down the aisle toward our table, they glanced at Jonathan, adjusted their direction, and then chose a seat farther down the row. “A ghost, huh?”

  “It was an interesting conversation,” I allowed.

  “What did you find interesting about it, Sarah? Did you find some hidden insight in her supernatural depiction of me?”

  “As a matter of fact, I did. You once asked me where we went from here. Now that he’s awake, we all go our separate ways. I go mine, Ben goes his, and you go yours. It’s over.”

  “That’s it?”

  I nodded once, taking a sip of my soda to help with the sudden dryness in my mouth.

  Jonathan made a face. “You’re telling me that you don’t want to see me or Benjamin again? Why don’t I believe that?”

  “Well, believe it.” I set my cup down a little harder than necessary, causing a few people to look away in obvious discomfort. “I told you it wasn’t like that, and it isn’t. Ben is going home today. We all are.”

  “You don’t appear pleased with this decision. Are you going to be okay?”

  “I’m always okay, Jonathan.” I gave him a feral grin, exposing all of my teeth.

  Jonathan tilted his head. His gaze roamed the features of my face, moving down to my stiff shoulders, following the line of my mother’s chain, stopping just above my heart. I shifted in my chair.

  “I see,” he said with a sigh. “Are you done with your… drink?”

  I nodded.

  “Then let me walk you back.”

  We left the cafeteria. He walked next to me, arm-distance apart. I felt his gaze on me as we made our way in silence to the elevators. “I think I’ll leave you here if you don’t mind. I wasn’t aware I was viewed as a social piranha.”

  “Don’t you mean pariah?” I corrected.

  “Whichever you like,” he waved me off. “I’d just rather not cause a scene.”

  “That’s probably best,” I agreed, pushing the button to go up.

  He hesitated, looking down at his feet for a moment, then over at the hospital entry doors. “You know, I had some time to think things over. I really do care for you—quite a bit.”

  I shook my head, but before I could respond he cut me off.

  “But I also realize the bad timing of the whole situation.”

  An uncontrollable laugh bubbled out before I could help it, but then I contained it and gave him a genuine smile.

  “Wow.” I covered my mouth with my hand. “Sure, you could say that. Bad timing, bad first impression, bad second impression.”

  “Okay, I get it. I totally blew it.” He threw up his hands in defeat, and we both laughed. Then his face turned grave. “But seriously, if you ever change your mind, let me know.” From his back pocket he pulled out a slip of paper with ten digits written in red ink. He smiled and winked, then he turned and walked out of the hospital. I continued to stare out the elevator doors, fighting the desire to leave as well until they slid closed.

  When I walked into the room where Benjamin sat waiting, I must have looked worse than I thought.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Did your mom fill your prescriptions?” I asked, ignoring his probing.

  He hesitated before answering. “She dropped them off,
and we’re supposed to pick them up. Is that okay?”

  “Of course,” I said.

  I turned and started putting his things in the large plastic bag the hospital had provided. I quickly realized with a blush that a lot of the remaining items belonged to me.

  “Sarah?” Ben’s voice came from behind me, and I waited. When he didn’t speak, I glanced over my shoulder at him. “What’s the matter?

  “Nothing.” I tried walking away, but he grabbed the bag in my hand, forcing me to look at him.

  “Please tell me.”

  I took a deep breath to steady myself then let it out slowly. “I’m fine. And we need to go if we’re going to get to the pharmacy in time.”

  “They don’t close until nine,” he said flatly.

  “Regardless, we need to go. Angela will take you downstairs. I’ll meet you outside.” I yanked the bag from his grasp and left to get my car.

  I shook my head. I wanted to be angry. I tried to be angry, but I couldn’t. How could I? He had done nothing wrong. I was the one who had created a friendship out of nothing. It was that simple.

  We drove the whole way in silence. It was probably better that way. He finally turned to look at me as we pulled up to his apartment building. I threw my car into park but kept the engine going.

  “You’re not coming in?” he asked quietly.

  “No, I can’t. Tell your mom I said goodbye.”

  “You heard me talking to her, didn’t you?” His question was full of apprehension. I didn’t feel like answering, and he didn’t get out of the car. For a long while we just sat there. Finally, he broke the silence. “I can’t call you for help, Sarah.”

  “Well, I didn’t tell you that you could.” I turned to glare at him.

  His face softened. “What am I supposed to do, Sarah? I had no idea you were there.”

  “And that matters?”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. How in the world can I make this up to you? How can I make any of this up to you? Please try to understand. You and Cheryl have done so much for me. I’ll never be able to repay you at this rate.”

  “We’d never ask you to repay us. Who do you think we are?”

  “That’s not what I’m trying to say.” He turned away frustrated, but then quickly turned back. “Will you forgive me for being so insensitive?”

  “Will you call me if you need anything?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Then, no.”

  “Sarah.” Suddenly his hand reached out to cup my chin, pulling my face just inches away from his own. I tried to break away, but he wouldn’t let go as he tightened his hold on my jaw. “If you care for me at all, you’ll let me start making up for all that I’ve done. For all that you’ve done for me.”

  If I cared for him? What did he mean, if I cared for him?

  I gritted my teeth. Why was he doing this? If he didn’t want me in his life, if he didn’t need me, why was he making things so awkward? There was a part of me that desired to jump out of the car and run as far as I could get from him and the pain and confusion he was creating. The other part of me was too befuddled to understand what I wanted.

  His lips parted and his grip underneath my chin seemed to tighten. “Sarah.” It was barely a whispered, but it was more than I could bear. Grabbing his wrist, I forced him to release his hold on me then pushed his hand away.

  “Goodbye, Benjamin.” I turned and stared, unseeing, out my car window. “You take care.”

  I heard the door open a moment later. Expecting him to get out of the car, I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch him walk away. Suddenly I felt his hot breath on my cheek, then soft lips pressed lightly against the corner of my mine. I gripped the steering wheel more tightly as he whispered against my cheek.

  “Thank you for the ride home,” he said, taking the hospital bag with him. He hadn’t bothered to take my things out before he left.

  13

  Ineffective Interviews

  I nestled next to Cheryl on the couch, a mug of eggnog in my hand. The warm lights of the Christmas tree mesmerized. The smell of ginger cookies smothered my senses in cathartic comfort. Wrapping paper in dazzling silvers and golds, brilliant reds and greens, littered the floor in a merry mess.

  I picked up a nearby box and read the card.

  For the nightmares.

  I removed the elegant gift Elisa had given me. Delicate webs shimmered and crisscrossed inside a white, linen-wrapped hoop about the size of my palm. At the very center of the web was laid a small onyx stone, its inky black smoothness comparable to that of my mothers. Three small, white feathers fell from the circle. Curious, I touched the softness of each one.

  It was more than beautiful, but the thought of choosing it over my mother’s pendant made me feel a tinge of guilt. Maybe I could wear it on occasion when I went out with my friends. Elisa would like that.

  I smiled as warmth spread across my chest. Laith had stated that I was now stuck with them, and even though I had initially interpreted it as a joke, I discovered that he meant it. After the night of her birthday, I had seen both Laith and Elisa on a near-daily basis. I was more than okay with this new development.

  My cell phone buzzed within my jacket pocket. I pulled it out and read the text message sent from an unknown number.

  Merry Christmas. I miss you.

  I could feel my brows pull together.

  Who is this? I messaged back.

  “Your dad did a great job on the tree, didn’t he?” Cheryl said.

  I glanced up, admiring the gift dad had brought us that morning. It was great surprise and together the three of us decorated the tree before Christmas breakfast. I inhaled the fresh aroma of pine.

  “He did.” I sipped my eggnog, watching the lights of the tree blink slowly off and on.

  “I feel bad that he’s out in the cold hanging lights for this evening.”

  “Sixty-five degrees is not cold, Cheryl,” I teased, nudging her playfully. “My dad likes to be needed.” And when he was busy at work, he didn’t have the time to stalk me like a creeper. “Besides, I really think we need it. Doesn’t all of this beauty and light make you feel better?”

  My phone vibrated again, catching Cheryl’s attention. “I’m glad you made some new friends. You need them.”

  “I don’t think it’s them,” I said, opening the message.

  It’s Ben. Can we meet up?

  My heart sank, pounding out a hard, uneven rhythm. “You were right. It was Elisa,” I lied, moving into the kitchen

  Benjamin. It had been over a week since I had seen him. Time had crawled by, but I had done my best to forget the way he had cast my friendship aside, even after all the time I had watched over him.

  My hands shook as I went to answer his message, but then I froze.

  Was this the best idea? Ian’s death had rocked me and left me nearly friendless. When Dad took off, I felt abandoned and unprotected. But when Ben cut his connection with me, had it not been for Cheryl, Laith, and Elisa, I would have felt the most alone I had ever felt in my entire life.

  I looked at Cheryl’s refrigerator, the front of which was filled with Christmas cards, taped in a beautiful collage. All were of family and friends who loved her, and now I was among that group. I had more of a semblance of a family now than I ever had. I should be content. Besides, how much more would it hurt when he decided to leave me out of his life the next time?

  I deleted Ben’s message and left my phone on the kitchen counter to fully enjoy my Christmas holiday with Dad and Cheryl.

  Cheryl’s New Year’s resolution was to get back into shape; a resolution that she enlisted me to help her with. I wondered whether or not her new goal had anything to do with ensuring I didn’t overdo it again, but didn’t have the guts or desire to ask. For almost two weeks straight, I waited to see when she would give up on the resolution.

  I glanced out my window at the darkened sky, the cold seeping through the glass. The first light of day had yet to mak
e an appearance and I mentally shrank from the thought of being up before the sun. I closed my curtain and shuffled into my running shoes. Every muscle in my body longed to feel the soft fabric of my still warm comforter again, but instead I tapped lightly on Cheryl’s door to wake her.

  When she didn’t answer, I knocked again, a little louder.

  “I’m in the kitchen,” she called to me.

  My New Year’s resolution? I didn’t have one. I was just grateful for the company. It kept my mind off the now-regular text messages from Benjamin and on more important things—like trying to solve Ian’s riddle.

  The truth has been kept from you, but it cannot stay hidden much longer.

  What had been kept secret from me?

  Cheryl was doing her morning stretches using the kitchen counter as support. Her blonde hair was pulled into a tight bun on the top of her head. She greeted me with a smile.

  “Good morning, Sunshine. Do you feel like trying for three miles today?”

  What started out as a three-mile run ended up being a two-mile mixer, but at least she was improving. By the time we got home, I had more energy than when I had started.

  Leaving Cheryl at the house, I jumped into my car still in my sweaty running clothes. I wanted to be amongst a crowd—somewhere I could think without so much maddening quiet surrounding me.

  I turned the music up and drove without thought of where I was going. A few miles down the road a herd of young men and women crossed the street. They disappeared into a coffee shop adjoined to a bakery. My stomach growled. Once again I had forgotten just how hungry I was. When the light turned green, I pulled into the parking lot and entered the bakery. My mindless driving hadn’t taken me far, just along my usual route to school, to a popular off-campus haunt with fellow students.

  I almost moaned as the smell of baked goods smothered my senses in sickly sweet goodness. I floated up to the register to buy my breakfast of hot chocolate and a gooey cinnamon roll.

  The herd that had arrived before me had taken the tables in main area of the bakery. The other seats were too close for comfort. As I walked to the opposite side of the building and into the coffee shop, I found an empty table near the back wall. The only other person nearby was a young man with blond hair and blue eyes.